tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-25044946263600611552024-02-19T03:03:56.819-08:00The Morehead The MerrierThe world as seen through the blurry eyes of a 115 year old, alcoholic, bisexual, nymphomaniacal movie star who's really just folks.
All text contents, except when otherwise noted, copyright © 2013 by Douglas McEwan. All images of Tallulah Morehead copyright © by Glen Hanson.com, used by permission.Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.comBlogger263125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-7347994912915862542017-09-18T02:00:00.000-07:002017-09-18T13:20:05.879-07:00Game of Emmies<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>As always, I tuned in to The Emmy Awards, to see if I was in the "In Memoriam" montage. I was relieved to see I wasn't. Nor, for that matter, was Harry Dean Stanton. I know he was in </i><b>Twin Peaks: The Return</b><i>, but it wasn't his fault that it was more incoherent than I am on New Years Eve. They shouldn't take it out on a newly dead beloved film legend. (One episode I saw seemed a lot better, more cogent and entertaining than the other episodes, until Little Dougie pointed out that I was watching my aquarium.)</i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>Anyway, I tossed off a few verbal reactions, and Little Dougie jotted them down. It's nice he has time for me given how taken up he is with plugging his two new books, </i><b>My Gruesome Life</b><i> and </i><b>We Belong Dead: A Gay Perspective on the Classic Movie Monsters</b><i>. Neither of these books are about me, so what's the point of them? (Well, I do pop up here and there in </i><b>My Gruesome Life</b><i>, it being the entirely true autobiography of my dear friend, horror icon Guy Thanatos. And they are both quite funny - intentionally.) Anyway, here my Emmy observations are.</i></span><br />
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<i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Colbert's Emmy monologue was great. He killed it, with a little help from Sean Spicer, pretending to have a sense of humor about himself. I don't imagine our fuhrer enjoyed it much, which made it even better.</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>So when the award is for acting, </i><b>SNL</b><i> is a "Comedy Series," but when the award is for the show itself, </i><b>SNL</b><i> is a "Variety Sketch Series." Make up your minds, Emmies.</i></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who can turn the world on with her smile?<br />
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?<br />
Well it's you girl and you should know it,<br />
With each glance and every little movement you show it,<br />
Love is all around, no need to fake it,<br />
You can never tell, why don't you take it?<br />
But you are not winning an Emmy this year.<br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: purple;"><i style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;"><br />Mamacita lost? Oh dear. Mommy Dearest is going to be so peeved, and she can be </i><span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 17px;"><b>STRICT!</b></span><i style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;"> Trust me. I know. Frankly, while I found </i><b style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;">Feud: Bette & Joan</b><i style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 17px;"> the most entertaining show I watched on TV all year (It was the only series about something important: female movie stars!), </i></span></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i style="color: purple; line-height: 28px;">I was not surprised that </i><b style="color: purple; line-height: 28px;">Feud</b><i style="color: purple; line-height: 28px;"> didn't win anything. It was about those two Tallulah-wanna-bes, Bette and Joan. Now, if it had been about me and that bitch Delores Delgado, they'd probably have swept the Emmies, even winning categories they were not nominated in.</i></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What's wrong with this picture? I'm not in it.</td></tr>
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<i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">SNL is winning so much, it's like it's 1976 all over again. Why is Gerald Ford orange? But oops. Lorne Michaels forgot to thank our Fuhrer, without whom, they would not have swept all those awards.</span></i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidJU98T93PQh7kxtPq1AY0yDju5kbrVHpm5i17JvnQqJcvlZbS3S73LPefUnz1-2IVa5QF0Ul8hGO3mcJw71c9nLstFWMiCa9mRaotoU8inmvMinfGNRlv8sqw0W02QtCUh0Jx_d1e3FOV/s1600/Emmy+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="422" data-original-width="759" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidJU98T93PQh7kxtPq1AY0yDju5kbrVHpm5i17JvnQqJcvlZbS3S73LPefUnz1-2IVa5QF0Ul8hGO3mcJw71c9nLstFWMiCa9mRaotoU8inmvMinfGNRlv8sqw0W02QtCUh0Jx_d1e3FOV/s400/Emmy+1.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I feel a youthful 79 again.</td></tr>
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<i style="font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 1.38;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">OK, who hired the offstage announcer with the unpleasant nasal voice who keeps screaming and shouting? Because the announcer and whoever hired him should both be fired.</span></i><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>Jeremy Piven: "Now the next category contains the word 'Supporting Performances..."</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>Ah, Jeremy and whoever wrote your banter, that's two words. It's what you call a "term."</i></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HZPXG5CF_Dvinv0dZ-oRudtcWUk4bpqPBp9s4L4AOXqnU2l8Dbvr-tq6IofS1CJAPSxOWGx9Dql0SvfKwsosQ4pBw3ojisbZt9jKQ8iQwDVMUpet-plbAIBbsEd2l1ZXGOnlZ5aysyDW/s1600/Ann+Dowd.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1086" data-original-width="1600" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi6HZPXG5CF_Dvinv0dZ-oRudtcWUk4bpqPBp9s4L4AOXqnU2l8Dbvr-tq6IofS1CJAPSxOWGx9Dql0SvfKwsosQ4pBw3ojisbZt9jKQ8iQwDVMUpet-plbAIBbsEd2l1ZXGOnlZ5aysyDW/s400/Ann+Dowd.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: #f7f0e9; color: #632035; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , "verdana" , "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.4px;">Who can turn the world on with her smile?</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #f7f0e9; color: #632035; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , "verdana" , "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.4px;">Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly...</span><br />
<span style="background-color: #f7f0e9; color: #632035; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , "verdana" , "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 10.4px;">Oh wait. I already did this joke.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 19.32px;"><i><span style="color: purple;">Ann Dowd, when they announce you're the winner, you go up on the stage - preferably with alacrity as it's a long show. Did no one explain that to you? And stop looking like your cat just died. You won an Emmy. That's a nice thing.</span></i></span></div>
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<i style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple;">Lena Waithe: "I gotta thank God." </span></i><i style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple;">No you don't. Try limiting your thanks to entities that actually exist.</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 1.38;"><i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I see they replaced the words "Actor" and "Actress" with "Performer" in the "In Memoriam" montage. I wonder if they did so just so they didn't have to put the word "Actress" under the name "Zsa Zsa Gabor."</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><i><span style="color: purple;">June Foray, Chuck Barris, Chris Bearde, Robert Osbourne, Jay Thomas. All folks Little Dougie knew, some he worked with, some he just shared jokes with. The In Memoriam montage was very personal to Dougie this year. As long as I'm not in it, I'm OK with it.</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; line-height: 28px;"><i><span style="color: purple;">Damn. I was so rooting for Benedict Cumberbatch.</span></i></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No shit, Sherlock, and no Emmy either.</td></tr>
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<i style="font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: 0px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple;">OK, it's official, NO ONE at the Emmies knows how to pronounce "Junipero." It's pronounced "You-na-pair-oh," not "Jew-no-pair-oh." I can't believe that "The Lying Detective" lost to a movie no one associated with even knows how to pronounce properly.</span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><i><span style="color: purple;"></span></i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><i><span style="color: purple;">Well, the Emmy show director certainly showed Sterling K. Brown who's in charge, didn't he? White guy, I'm guessing?</span></i></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAAP4nem6ccaj16Atyx89lriPyssCkVvruqa69X5lWxc61J6HmvGZSJBGj0OPwpWjUnV0TNyGBQV_Y4_zjxOFBdZFqF8W-FG5FfbML_4zBMjz201ngShZpUVYwaeN5Sne-E_Zh-ULlPkUW/s1600/Sterling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="529" data-original-width="915" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAAP4nem6ccaj16Atyx89lriPyssCkVvruqa69X5lWxc61J6HmvGZSJBGj0OPwpWjUnV0TNyGBQV_Y4_zjxOFBdZFqF8W-FG5FfbML_4zBMjz201ngShZpUVYwaeN5Sne-E_Zh-ULlPkUW/s400/Sterling.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sterling, darling, maybe if you gave your speech nude. No one would cut away from you then.</td></tr>
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<i><span style="color: purple;">So Elisabeth Moss said that Warren Littlefield was "The coolest person I know. You're an artist."</span></i></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>Lis, there are about 200 people right in front of you who are cooler than Warren Littlefield. Go talk to some of them and learn what being cool really is. And he is </i><b>NOT</b><i> an "Artist." He's a business major.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>I'd prattle on more, but </i><b>The Desert Song</b><i> is on. If you've nothing better to do, you might want to buy and read Little Dougie's new books. You can order them by clicking on the pictures of their covers. I needle Dougie, but the books are actually pretty good.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>Cheers, darlings.</i></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpsUlo6LVD1lRnk6Xw6S8YACE9m2TphnTifsCe3f2DgUEKiwoamt1mZJkj8N7JGVO432G0BnbcQiisw4QCSwIvdOEVNFZE1pU1JyB6LIAsIIbLCC4q-ANuRiwUnC9Vlvdb5Sas-qMwsI76/s1600/Doug+and+giant+Emmy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="926" data-original-width="578" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpsUlo6LVD1lRnk6Xw6S8YACE9m2TphnTifsCe3f2DgUEKiwoamt1mZJkj8N7JGVO432G0BnbcQiisw4QCSwIvdOEVNFZE1pU1JyB6LIAsIIbLCC4q-ANuRiwUnC9Vlvdb5Sas-qMwsI76/s640/Doug+and+giant+Emmy.jpg" width="396" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now you can see why I call him "Little Dougie." Even an Emmy award towers over him.</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-37777686811391087682017-05-10T18:35:00.000-07:002017-05-10T22:59:35.734-07:00"You Never Told Me Your Aunt Was Literate."<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.amazon.com/Gruesome-Life-Adventures-Experience-Observations/dp/1683900596/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1494423405&sr=1-3&keywords=Douglas+McEwan" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqvMQuio0lQezGxI1-nG9fdvb6B5B86XSN6YOzrtyFizSfXptubgm_ls6w0CaAKxV06h_3p5dxn6O6SsYGky7nRdAIVEIxAd6t3f0bB-F1X7F84Dm5p2sadxQQhCEVFybr_L3uB3GAZyM5/s400/MGL+Revised+Cover.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Click on the book cover to order it.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i style="background-color: white;">Well, I'm back in print! This is Little Dougie's newest book about me, released this week, and available by clicking on the picture of it. To avoid appearing to play favorites with me (As if I wasn't everyone's favorite!), he hasn't put me center stage this time, but pretends the book is all about my good friend and occasional co-star, horror movie Icon Guy Thanatos, so I only make cameo appearances here and there. </i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">To my amazement, when I read it (OK, had it read to me. I don't focus all that well anymore. I turn 120 in two weeks; give me a break) I learned about another husband I was married to and had totally forgotten. Any way, you'll learn new things about me, and the parts that are not about me (Roughly a mere 85%, barely noticable) are funny and as entertaining as something not about me can be. Anyway, others who have perused advance copies all seem to like it.</span></i></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="background-color: #c27ba0;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #c27ba0;"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">"Cunning mischief. Douglas McEwan is a riot." </span></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">- RC Matheson, author of </span><i style="color: blue; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Created By</i><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> and </span><i style="color: blue; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Ritual of Illusion.</i><br />
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<span style="background-color: #c27ba0; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"</span><i style="color: blue; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;">My Gruesome Life</i><span style="background-color: #c27ba0; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> is funny, silly, disgusting, graceful, and hysterical." </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">- Treva Silverman, Emmy-winning writer for </span><i style="color: blue; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;">The Mary Tyler Moore Show.</i></div>
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<span style="background-color: #c27ba0; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Douglas McEwan is one of the last of the laugh-on-every-page writers these days." </span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span data-offset-key="2tlsa-2-0">- Ken Levine, Emmy-winning writer/producer, </span></span><i style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">M*A*S*H, Cheers, Frasier, The Simpsons.</i></div>
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<span style="background-color: #c27ba0; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Douglas has single-handedly brought back the wit and style which has all but vanished these days, the era of Patrick Dennis and never-ending cocktail parties with zany, witty personalities." </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">- David Del Valle, author of </span><i style="color: blue; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;">Lost Horizons Beneath the Hollywood Sign</i><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> and </span><i style="color: blue; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif;">Six Reels Under.</i></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><i><span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Here's what the back cover says:</span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">SWISH UPON A STAR.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;">Vincent Price, Boris Karloff. Christopher Lee, they were all scary, but Guy (pronounced "Ghee") Thanatos was the scariest of them all, and off-screen, the nicest of them all. So why do so many people around him wind up suddenly dead? And why does his mother never have an alibi?</span></div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;">Acclaimed comic novelist Douglas McEwan answers these questions in the third of his movie-star themed series of funny novels, "A Song of Sex and Celluloid," in this blackly comic novel which has been described as "I, Claudius in 20th Century Hollywood."</span></div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: #38761d;">Is "My Gruesome Life" the scariest comic novel ever written or the funniest horror novel of all time? You'll have to decide. Just don't read it in the dark. Your laughter may wake the dead!</span></div>
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<span style="color: #38761d;">(For mature audiences only)</span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0" style="color: purple;"><i style="font-family: arial, helvetica, sans-serif;">The silly billies don't even mention that it's really about me. I guess they want my appearances to be glorious surprises, "Glamour Relief," like Comedy Relief, but really, they'd sell more books if people knew it was about me. Well, someone understood this, as here is Little Dougie's Author's Bio within the book itself:</i></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0">
<span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">About the Author.</span></span></span></span></h2>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 14px;">Douglas McEwan is the author of two previous comic novels, </span><i style="color: blue; font-size: 14px;">My Lush Life</i><span style="color: blue; font-size: 14px;"> and </span><i style="color: blue; font-size: 14px;">Tallyho, Tallulah!</i><span style="color: blue; font-size: 14px;">, both of which chronicle the adventures of the forever sozzled </span><b><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">Miss Tallulah Morehead</span></b><span style="color: blue; font-size: 14px;">, who also wobbles her way into this book.
</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: blue; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">He has written and performed comedy for radio, TV, and stage. His television scripts for the local LA series <i>Fright Night with Seymour</i> were collected and published in Creatures of the <i>Night That We Loved So Well: The Horror Hosts of Southern California</i> (Second Edition) by James Fetters. On radio in the 1970s, he interviewed such comic luminaries as Groucho Marx, Bud Abbott, and Lucille Ball.
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In addition to his comic fiction, he is also the author of a successful serious stage adaptation of <i>Dracula</i> and the non-fiction book <i>We Belong Dead: A Gay Perspective on the Classic Movie Monsters</i>, also published by Pulp Hero Press. He lives in Los Angeles with two cats who are decidedly unimpressed with him.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: blue; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>That last book mentioned, </i><b>We Belong Dead</b><i>, is not about me, so I don't see the point of it, but it's funny, and if you like classic horror movies even when I'm not in them, you'll probably enjoy it also. Here's what it will look like when it is released quite soon.</i></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i style="background-color: white;"><br /></i></span></span></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe2Ugt0Fr4B4nelWV4UHaaajguyS7PSVG-neRSIpAwuINWTwIZr7C4L1amoJhPGP92tYqjPZICTdAydFQiaH5DwNPNtKpwZI4ruAALa2lFRAKu6bLPL0_DXVbi77El0kar4B28e_SZGJvI/s1600/We+Belong+Dead+Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: white; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhe2Ugt0Fr4B4nelWV4UHaaajguyS7PSVG-neRSIpAwuINWTwIZr7C4L1amoJhPGP92tYqjPZICTdAydFQiaH5DwNPNtKpwZI4ruAALa2lFRAKu6bLPL0_DXVbi77El0kar4B28e_SZGJvI/s400/We+Belong+Dead+Cover.jpg" width="258" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">Wait a minute! That is <b><i><span style="font-size: small;">MY</span></i></b> bedroom closet door! </span></td></tr>
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<div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="fa81-0-0" style="direction: ltr; position: relative;">
<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>So read and enjoy. I have to catch up on </i><b>Feud: Bette & Joan</b><i> on the DVR. Who plays me in it? </i></span></span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpTRqD0C_GjWOKKfmU1F0vJrtS-r8iO03sJ10jINeUoL2UzgyJvA60UJb6wqqkQJ-MxPFQ9ZuIn7KNx3-uxoNYC5F7heZ29nqAx-l8qdojTE814yAemDjtS-gHPHPCrbxVjCa3Xbl8OUZl/s1600/Tallu+and+Mamacita.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: white; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpTRqD0C_GjWOKKfmU1F0vJrtS-r8iO03sJ10jINeUoL2UzgyJvA60UJb6wqqkQJ-MxPFQ9ZuIn7KNx3-uxoNYC5F7heZ29nqAx-l8qdojTE814yAemDjtS-gHPHPCrbxVjCa3Xbl8OUZl/s400/Tallu+and+Mamacita.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">My houseboys are looking odd these days.</span></td></tr>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i style="background-color: white;">They waited too long to film it. The perfect actress to play Joan Crawford had passed away.</i></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span style="background-color: white;"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCQsZINPkne8vFfObji2bVdEUHE1SWGSRGgfGOLtyIt_JbZ_BwtRXpMllBu0Owkh24HS-qomN3KcS4k6E531fHj3gcA6epMXunToj-qIEP6KL4Au3z6YAZqNLG6KxFuhFT9AGt_uwEbFar/s1600/Joan+and+Michael.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: white; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCQsZINPkne8vFfObji2bVdEUHE1SWGSRGgfGOLtyIt_JbZ_BwtRXpMllBu0Owkh24HS-qomN3KcS4k6E531fHj3gcA6epMXunToj-qIEP6KL4Au3z6YAZqNLG6KxFuhFT9AGt_uwEbFar/s400/Joan+and+Michael.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">Separated at birth?</span></td></tr>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>I'd think that the title, </i><b>Feud: Bette and Joan</b><i> is too long. Maybe</i><i>, if they really want people to watch it, they should have called it </i><b>Feud: BJ.</b><i> Doesn't that sound like more fun?</i></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span style="background-color: white;"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
<span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>Anyway, the best way to enjoy your summer is reading Little Dougie's new book. Order one or two or fifty copies today. Cheers darlings.</i></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span style="background-color: white;"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfM5Di3bqSEAej0KD_WlM1GXSp0muBJP-WaIOuzWg4DX1jI_PV4BA0FQsnvLbYQLPw4IRNAQjln8ragDrPD5NHqUhOQr8cPdkVpPjCekRjH1Lk_RTO7u7Aeq1zW1M1aLcnIx_5aIGHqJCR/s1600/Bette+and+Joan+and+Tallu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="background-color: white; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfM5Di3bqSEAej0KD_WlM1GXSp0muBJP-WaIOuzWg4DX1jI_PV4BA0FQsnvLbYQLPw4IRNAQjln8ragDrPD5NHqUhOQr8cPdkVpPjCekRjH1Lk_RTO7u7Aeq1zW1M1aLcnIx_5aIGHqJCR/s400/Bette+and+Joan+and+Tallu.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="background-color: white;">From <b><i>Die, Die, You Bitches</i></b>. I was brilliant.</span></td></tr>
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<span data-offset-key="bcom4-2-0"><span data-offset-key="fa81-0-0"><span data-text="true" style="line-height: 18px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span></span></span></div>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-69611321500056624372017-01-10T21:17:00.001-08:002017-01-12T03:17:56.438-08:00Trumputin Watches Obama's Farewell<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii6ttDx-NIk-5bca0YnMKPyzM6xXQRq0DwFMJCPcH4fWYHkq9Dh9ZhXYXYw00oYXbvRGawsd0asTnDqqFyj1dfBA3PDbt9GhaXS5-9ppCdNETkBmt0pQ6PJ-D_bBFGyvhf7FYgQMiMV8U6/s1600/Bye+Obama.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEii6ttDx-NIk-5bca0YnMKPyzM6xXQRq0DwFMJCPcH4fWYHkq9Dh9ZhXYXYw00oYXbvRGawsd0asTnDqqFyj1dfBA3PDbt9GhaXS5-9ppCdNETkBmt0pQ6PJ-D_bBFGyvhf7FYgQMiMV8U6/s400/Bye+Obama.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So long, and thanks for all the fish.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>While I was watching President Obama's glorious farewell speech, Little Dougie was monitoring @TheRealTrumputin as "TheRealTrumputin" live tweeted. Enjoy.</i></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrz_3O0hVsbRtHLpz4O9lNeRgaxPz9HhoV2kbbkSxxZ7Ueho-gOLcgtNGMiHCUPr4uOSKrJoolDJAIFfl2QjtBsfQDWDhyIRPGGzjRZ6aUiqNxehj5cby77HS-dn4OZ80RPm491I0WUWn6/s1600/Trumo+sedated.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrz_3O0hVsbRtHLpz4O9lNeRgaxPz9HhoV2kbbkSxxZ7Ueho-gOLcgtNGMiHCUPr4uOSKrJoolDJAIFfl2QjtBsfQDWDhyIRPGGzjRZ6aUiqNxehj5cby77HS-dn4OZ80RPm491I0WUWn6/s400/Trumo+sedated.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 28px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"People cheering overrated Obama. Sad." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-size: 24px; line-height: 28px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama says 'All Men are Created Equal.' Commie nonsense. I'm far more equal than anyone else. Really, everyone says I am the best at being more equal." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Obama speech boring. He never mentions pussy or mocks the 'tards. Amateur." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Obama calls this a peaceful transfer of power from one freely-elected pres to the next. Ha! Thinks he's so smart with all his "Knowledge" and "Education," yet Putie and me fixed the election right under his ethnic nose. Laughs on him." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama says democracy requires a basic sense of solidarity. My base is crazy solid. Really, there's no problem, believe me. My base gets <i>REALLY</i> solid whenever Ivanka sits on my lap." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama says Poverty is falling and the rich are paying their fair share of taxes. I will fix all that with one stroke of my pen on 1/20." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">"Hey, Crooked Obama, if you love the middle class so much, why don't you marry it? </span><a class="_58cn" data-ft="{"tn":"*N","type":104}" href="https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/perfectsquelch?source=feed_text&story_id=10211175000281923" style="background-color: white; cursor: pointer; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px; text-decoration: none;"><span class="_5afx" style="direction: ltr; unicode-bidi: isolate;"><span aria-label="hashtag" class="_58cl _5afz" style="unicode-bidi: isolate;">#</span><span class="_58cm">PerfectSquelch</span></span></a><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;">" @TheRealTrumputin</span></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Obama being really helpful by listing all the stuff I'm going to need to end next week. Thanks." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama says race is still a problem. Duh. That's why I will dispose of all non-whites. Race Problem Solved. Next." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama said some guy named Finch says to understand someone we need to 'Climb into their skin.' This is why I understand women so well. I'm always climbing into their skin. (Don't tell Melania) Is this Finch guy available for my cabinet?" @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Finally Crooked Obama mentions middle-aged white guys. Took long enough. Only important demographic." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"When did Jefferson promise his slaves equality? I'm just like founding fathers; I like not paying my workers too. I should be on Mt. Rushmore (Which is a <i>WHITE </i>mountain, hint, hint.)" @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama says 'Science and Reason matter.' Wrong! I matter. That's it." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Obama's whore mom says 'Reality has a way of catching up with you.' Wrong. I'm 70 (But look 25) and it hasn't caught up with me yet. Reality is a loser." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Dumb Obama still believing that climate change stuff. Doesn't he have a thermostat? Laughing at the fool." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Obama mentions World War II, forgets the wrong side won. Never forget, <i>Mein Herr</i>." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama reads list: 'Fear of change and of people who look or speak or pray differently, contempt for the rule of law that holds leaders accountable, an intolerance of dissent or free thought, the belief that the sword or the gun or the bomb or the propaganda machine is the ultimate arbiter of what's true or what's right.' Slow down, motor mouth, I'm writing them down. All good ideas. Will be my agenda. Thanks." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Audience gives standing ovation to Muslim Obama's 'I reject discrimination against Muslim Americans.' Clearly whole crowd is Muslim Terrorists. Will deport everyone there." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crooked Obama denounces authoritarianism. Authoritarianism is as American as slavery and poll taxes. Will bring back all three. Make America Great Again." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Pinko Obama says 'Our own freedoms will eventually be threatened.' Eventually? I have it on my calendar for the 21st. Gonna be wild." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Traitor Obama: 'Unless we betray our Constitution and our principles in the fight. Unless we give up what we stand for and turn ourselves into just another big country that bullies our neighbors.' <i>GREAT IDEAS!</i> Stealing!" @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Nutjob Obama: 'We should reduce the corrosive influence of money on our politics, and insist on the principles of transparency and ethics in public service.' As Richard Pryor (My BFF. Why doesn't he phone me anymore?) said, 'That N-word's crazy.' (Memo to self. Look up definition of 'Corrosive.')" @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Weird Obama: 'Our Constitution is a remarkable, beautiful gift.' Well, the Electoral College is, anyway. The rest of it I'm not crazy about. Will throw the rest of it out. You don't need it; you have me." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Loser Obama: 'That's what our democracy demands. It needs you.' Well, it's got me, problem solved. But how rude of Obama to ignore the crowd and say that directly to me." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Obama shows his lack of class by telling us to lace up our shoes. I have a team of Thai girls who lace up my shoes for me. Only classless losers self-lace. Why does he want shoe lacers out of work? Obama screws the working man <i>AGAIN!</i>" @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Dishonest Obama: 'Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose.' Ha! Plagiarizing Kandor & Ebb. Why is plagiarism OK for him but wrong for my wife and my appointees? He's plagiarizing our plagiarism!" @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Crybaby Obama: 'I have mourned with grieving families.' I don't do mourning. Too depressing. I prefer happy families, like mine now." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Horny Obama <i>WISHES</i> Michele were Melania. Melania is hot, all Michele is good for is writing Melania's speeches." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Nutball Obama praises his daughters, little losers. I wouldn't bother to grab them. My daughters are a billion times hotter. What else matters?" @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: #e69138; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"Obama stops disloyal crowd from booing me. He was our greatest president for those few seconds." @TheRealTrumputin</b></span></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD-eGd0Mu-Sm2loTvOVdO6mnRzYKA_AWKeItiqy7oQUMC-ttK6KDCSxko915qEPYD88X6eUs2OzRh69B6PI11BI1fXTwE_kmQILIoey4dKPSJq7ffR9V9t537B0UOFQiOmSXmaIO9wOkv2/s1600/Trump+mocks+disabled.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD-eGd0Mu-Sm2loTvOVdO6mnRzYKA_AWKeItiqy7oQUMC-ttK6KDCSxko915qEPYD88X6eUs2OzRh69B6PI11BI1fXTwE_kmQILIoey4dKPSJq7ffR9V9t537B0UOFQiOmSXmaIO9wOkv2/s400/Trump+mocks+disabled.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Well, won't this be an exciting time, for the few months or weeks or hours before Trumputin launches that nuclear war he hungers for and we're all reduced to radioactive ash. Apparently he plans to counter Global Warming with a Nuclear Winter. Let's hope it's after March, so you'll all get a chance to read Little Dougie's two new books, </i><b>We Belong Dead: A Gay Perspective on the Classic Movie Monsters </b><i>and </i><b>My Gruesome Life</b><i>: The autobiography of my close friend, horror icon Guy Thanatos (In which I make guest appearances), coming in the Spring before our Nuclear Winter. </i></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Cheers, darlings.</i></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQWXfhGHiAoGplrzNzETfocSuzGdbeyOyozjIjMzszOuNPwnTZvr3u9aVpRzepvrbqnMeZllLKl5mVm1HqQmimlPyV9RuRLbNhO-nl1JplnNxJAK2lmL6TYLKqKhWgD66OZuoITvQ-JYi/s1600/Strangetrump.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="222" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQWXfhGHiAoGplrzNzETfocSuzGdbeyOyozjIjMzszOuNPwnTZvr3u9aVpRzepvrbqnMeZllLKl5mVm1HqQmimlPyV9RuRLbNhO-nl1JplnNxJAK2lmL6TYLKqKhWgD66OZuoITvQ-JYi/s400/Strangetrump.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br />
Trumputin engages in his foreign policy. </td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 19.32px;"><br /></span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-31716837380917332992016-09-27T03:12:00.003-07:002016-09-27T03:27:31.320-07:00Birthday Glamour<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiglxnY5NAE6fq97YzhwfZftfj-G3G4apsmSm8_aPUK_JoZxd19iNL2pMZCb2ac6xfkQQ6oZ7kZyLtcKew2NTIRCXjJcKLxxEKeM4fwIHz31zY1Nw1wrWelhoHmuRu40W86x1CZ-5Zj4DKZ/s1600/Doug+and+Martine+then+and+now.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiglxnY5NAE6fq97YzhwfZftfj-G3G4apsmSm8_aPUK_JoZxd19iNL2pMZCb2ac6xfkQQ6oZ7kZyLtcKew2NTIRCXjJcKLxxEKeM4fwIHz31zY1Nw1wrWelhoHmuRu40W86x1CZ-5Zj4DKZ/s640/Doug+and+Martine+then+and+now.jpg" width="476" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Martine hanging out with Little Dougie in photos taken a quarter of a century apart.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>A Quick happy birthday to my old friend, Martine Beswick, 75 years fabulous today. I love you, my darling. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>Cheers!</i></span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-26308456614401877142016-09-27T03:12:00.001-07:002016-09-28T15:38:11.172-07:00Sex, Lies and The End of Civilization<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguaA8F6ziadfC8eFn9fTVsTkUTw2c81wiV0nLb1ho7VloDm2rI6qCdbAIjag0R3FVQyFjXYYVjivhlhYm3c03BBP5Qn8XS-wobN5ZzHop0uAIcx9BdCXzA-bU6mRvfk5AtrHaktqD_0OiZ/s1600/Debate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="201" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguaA8F6ziadfC8eFn9fTVsTkUTw2c81wiV0nLb1ho7VloDm2rI6qCdbAIjag0R3FVQyFjXYYVjivhlhYm3c03BBP5Qn8XS-wobN5ZzHop0uAIcx9BdCXzA-bU6mRvfk5AtrHaktqD_0OiZ/s400/Debate.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Watch it! Those fingers are loaded!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>This old lady watched the debate, because this old lady would like someday to be an even older lady. Here's some random thoughts.</i></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">Lester Holt: "</i>You have 30 seconds to reply before I make a lame attempt to stop you and then give up and let you ramble. You have been warned.<i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Well, Trump's quiet, reasoned, presidential voice lasted almost a full five minutes.</i></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">Even if they're on watch lists wrongly, we'll help them get off.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>That's an awfully personal approach.</i></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Well, Trump's stand on taxes has nailed him the billionaire vote.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">I settled that lawsuit with no admission of guilt.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Donald, that doesn't mean you didn't do what they sued you for; it just means you bribed your way out of it, because you knew if you went to court you'd lose because you were guilty.</i></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">Admirals have endorsed me, and many more are coming next week, to 'delete' this country. I was just endorsed by ISIS.</span><i style="color: purple;">" .Huh? Anyway, it takes a Trump to brag about pre-endorsements.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Secretary Clinton has been fighting ISIS her entire life? You mean she's 14 years old?</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">I have common sense.</span><i style="color: purple;">" Possibly Trump's most transparent lie of the night.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">It was actually covered very accurately in <b><i>The New York Times</i></b>, which is unusual for <b><i>The New York Times</i></b>, to be honest.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>His inability to resist any chance to deal out insults means he basically said: I'm right, because </i><b>The New York Times</b><i> said so, and they are liars.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">Of course, any time he says "</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">To be honest</span><i style="color: purple;">" or "</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">Believe me,</span><i style="color: purple;">" he's lying.</i></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">I have much better judgement than she does. There's no doubt about that. I also have a much better temperament than she has.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Okay, those were his most transparent lies of the night. </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">What Secretary Clinton was saying about nuclear with Russia, she's very cavalier in the way she talks about various countries...</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>He's offended by how she talks about his pals in Russia.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">Once the nuclear alternative happens, it's over. At the same time, we have to be prepared. I can't take anything off the table.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>So, he won't end all human life unless he has to. I can not rule out destroying the earth. Thank you, Donald Strangelove.</i></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: blue;">And also stand up to bullies, whether they're abroad or at home,</span><i style="color: purple;">" or at the next podium.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Stamina is </i><b>really</b><i> the wrong way to go after Hillary.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: blue;">He loves beauty pageants and hanging around them..</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span><br style="line-height: 19.32px;" /><span style="color: purple; font-style: italic; line-height: 19.32px;">My favorite of Hillary's cheap shots back.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">She's spent hundreds of millions of dollars on negative ads about me,<span style="font-size: 14px;"> </span><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>MANY OF WHICH</i></span></b><span style="font-size: 14px;"> </span>are absolutely untrue.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>That made me laugh out loud. So which were the true ones?</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">(And "</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">Hundreds of millions of dollars</span><i style="color: purple;">"? Really? For a "businessman," he's not good with numbers.)</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">Hillary says trump hasn't paid taxes. Trump said: "</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">That makes me smart.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b>AMERICA, ARE YOU LISTENING???</b></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Hillary prepared, and had facts and figures.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Trump didn't, and had vagaries and bullshit pulled out of his ass onstage.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Hillary is the sort of person he used to pay to do his homework for him. Couldn't do that this time.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">"</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">My father gave me a small loan.</span><i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">Fourteen million dollars in 1968 dollars is a "</i><span style="color: #b45f06;">small loan</span><i style="color: purple;">"? To paraphrase Douglas Adams: this is some new meaning of the word "Small" with which I was not previously familiar. He pulled himself up by his dad's bootstraps.</i></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>This just in: Trump </i><b>DEMANDS</b><i> Putin moderate next debate.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 19.32px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Trump told Fox News that all the polls say he won, in a statement he prepared last week.</i></span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I had no idea I was ever married to Orson Welles.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>So, with the debate over, I'm returning to the Real World by listening to the Mercury Theater radio production in which Orson Welles plays my third husband, Count Vlad Tepes, under his better-known </i>nom de tomb<i> of Count Dracula.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="color: purple;">Uh-oh, Dracula just said to Harker, "</i>To tell the truth, I have no interest in drinking your blood. I would never drink your blood, believe me. But if I did, I would drink your blood so great, you'd love it. I would be the best blood drinker ever. Everyone says to me. 'Please drink our blood.' Frankenstein's blood-drinking policies have been a total failure. Transylvania is a mess now. I want to make Transylvania great again.<i style="color: purple;">"</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Meanwhile, if you need something to get you through the horror of the election, Little Dougie's new book (He calls it a novel, but every word is true), </i><b>My Gruesome Life</b><i>, the autobiography of my dear friend, 1960s horror movie star icon, Guy Thanatos, "The Man Who Gave Evil a Bad Name." It comes out on Halloween, so just in time for you to have a very funny book to read, purest black comedy, on election night. And best of all, since Guy and I are old, old friends (I mean it; we're </i><b>OLD!</b><i>), and made movies together, I pop up here and there throughout the book. You're sure to enjoy it.</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Until then, cheers, darlings.</i></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The greatest book ever written, sort of. Well, a very funny black comedy anyway.</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-64405015873890115272016-03-09T17:18:00.001-08:002016-03-09T17:31:51.067-08:00Creatures of the Night and Other Comforts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXmicsckX4k00tnXGlgBrXtgwk5gIwSMUkLUXZrjAlGcDj6GBusIsEFfrNOyvAgHQq5lHryal7VkOWcSmpc-aMlPz8uFDFB9JjCkRw1OSgYXXt5H2bU5rYyQWo1kZkoWQ4tA7K1Re6T5D6/s1600/Creatures+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXmicsckX4k00tnXGlgBrXtgwk5gIwSMUkLUXZrjAlGcDj6GBusIsEFfrNOyvAgHQq5lHryal7VkOWcSmpc-aMlPz8uFDFB9JjCkRw1OSgYXXt5H2bU5rYyQWo1kZkoWQ4tA7K1Re6T5D6/s400/Creatures+2.jpg" width="283" /></a></div>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Little Dougie has a word or two to share with you today, while I watch </i><b>Spectre</b><i>, and undress Daniel Craig with my eyes, because my fingers don't work too well these days. Fortunately, I can still lift a martini glass. Cheers, darlings.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">This fabulous new book, <b><i><a href="http://creaturebooks.weebly.com/creatures-of-the-night---second-edition.html">Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well: The Horror Hosts of Southern California</a></i></b> by James Fetters is now available by clicking on its title above. My interest is not "Disinterested" as they say. You may notice my name on the front cover as author of the Forward. Actually, I wrote over 100 pages of this book's content. No, it's not "The Longest Forward Ever Written," but among this book's treasures are a 20 page essay on my relationship with Larry "Seymour" Vincent, some material I wrote for a comedy album Larry did not live long enough to record, and over 90 pages of scripts I write for his TV show, all produced some 42 years ago.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><b>"Seymour" and I and "The Slimy Wall" at KTLA-TV in Hollywood, back on January 11, 1974, the day we shot my first TV script. The inscription over Larry's right shoulder says "Good show, Doug, Seymour. (I'm on the left.)</b>"</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">The "Horror Host" these days is mostly a relic of a bygone era. Oh, we still have Svengoolie, but sadly, he's a pale shadow of the brilliance that was Seymour. (When I watch Sven, which I do less and less, I find myself wishing I could enjoy him more. I like the way he offers real information about the pictures and the people who made them, but I seldom laugh. His material just isn't very good.)</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">But in the 1950s, '60s and 70s, we had ghoulish giants. This book details all the ones who haunted the TV stations of Los Angeles and San Diego, from Vampira to Elvira. 5 years ago, Jim put out the first edition, but this new edition is <i><b>MUCH</b></i> larger, and contains a tremendous amount of new material, new pictures, and including a chapter on a host utterly overlooked the first time, whom I, a dedicated horror host fan in LA in that era, had never heard of. There are scripts, not just mine, but from some of the other hosts as well. If you loved the great horror hosts of half a century ago, you will want to have this book.</span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8NAbqcVlkFXjjQXJRSQLfrw63Dv3-ZhhATjuZTsB8bN1EATtkRDBKrusyq272P2ervuqhPNHHUEsvPEMUBUfEC7XR2118EpUaWVwkDYfc8TRaap1v5yslhfjVqlYyRoP_ga4tvVwKkzGu/s1600/Seymour+clapboard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8NAbqcVlkFXjjQXJRSQLfrw63Dv3-ZhhATjuZTsB8bN1EATtkRDBKrusyq272P2ervuqhPNHHUEsvPEMUBUfEC7XR2118EpUaWVwkDYfc8TRaap1v5yslhfjVqlYyRoP_ga4tvVwKkzGu/s400/Seymour+clapboard.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: red; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>"That Leech Woman is my kind of guy."<br />A happy day that was.</b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Just for the record, I'm not making any money from the sale of this book. My interest is in preserving this small corner of show business history, and of sharing it with those who share my love of it and who retain happy, fading memories of those wonderful entertainers.</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">In a way, it almost preserves too much. My scripts (And the other scripts in it) are not reset for publication, but are scans of the originals. I made the scans of my own myself, scans of the actual papers that rolled though my 1973 & '74 typewriter. (They would be Xeroxed for the cast and crew, but I retained the originals.) This was before spellcheck and auto-correct, so my spelling errors and typos of 4 decades back are now preserved for prosperity.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The now-rare first edition commands a high purchase price these days. Get this new, better version now for its original price. Enjoy.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-17798532955248654222016-02-29T03:39:00.003-08:002016-02-29T22:22:28.795-08:00"Spotlight" on the White Oscars<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDvR-_gh70Qx2ZS5q7mf7b5ZfHWeJwRzvKFYR4g0xAFOTxybnlHsckv1KyW58SG_SgZDICl53rUSpm2XBTq3B49QC91_k52zIl4kJlfRzsToBSiYnmGW6WUYmSWpxEdSmRmR3h3pIgAQNn/s1600/Chris+Rock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDvR-_gh70Qx2ZS5q7mf7b5ZfHWeJwRzvKFYR4g0xAFOTxybnlHsckv1KyW58SG_SgZDICl53rUSpm2XBTq3B49QC91_k52zIl4kJlfRzsToBSiYnmGW6WUYmSWpxEdSmRmR3h3pIgAQNn/s400/Chris+Rock.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Hello darlings. I know I haven't posted in a while. Did you think I was dead? Well, I was briefly, but it was strictly for tax reasons. When you're 118, you tire easily. Anyway, Little Dougie got me to sit through the Oscars, and I had few quick responses. Not a whole review, but a few observations. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>I thought Chris Rock did a terrific job. It was certainly lucky for him that no black people were nominated, as otherwise, he'd have had to talk about these movies. If Hattie McDaniel had been nominated again, he's have had to scrub his entire act. </i></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiWVavldALIRQghBD77nCtQYWcQOselM3_C_nMefl3ASFZUSvpuk9LD6DL11AeFjGMO18uiKg7Ea5pXdo7Uhq_ug22DB6og0-Un5kHF1jwYae8h-1Tb02dNINxwxkOWqUBLOopZ7zjxRjF/s1600/Andy+Sirkis+Oscars.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiWVavldALIRQghBD77nCtQYWcQOselM3_C_nMefl3ASFZUSvpuk9LD6DL11AeFjGMO18uiKg7Ea5pXdo7Uhq_ug22DB6og0-Un5kHF1jwYae8h-1Tb02dNINxwxkOWqUBLOopZ7zjxRjF/s400/Andy+Sirkis+Oscars.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>"It's this big."</b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #141823; font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Nice to see Andy Serkis in the Oscar show. Was he really there, or was he in New Zealand in a motion capture suit? And am I crazy to find Andy Serkis a bit sexy? </span></i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><i><br /></i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyY0Vs-PxicfErbnrd7kVeOEIK6jY-mYBiLdrBL_aW6ZyS1unGK8TSQIghV1hKdqLuoO1vVX9gro7YKKHIyfKfwKK3VxBw-TOnURIqiLXmxPx9SD5VHkMpOQNxxEhNJVsuRaBejNURu50M/s1600/Andy+Sirkis+naked.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyY0Vs-PxicfErbnrd7kVeOEIK6jY-mYBiLdrBL_aW6ZyS1unGK8TSQIghV1hKdqLuoO1vVX9gro7YKKHIyfKfwKK3VxBw-TOnURIqiLXmxPx9SD5VHkMpOQNxxEhNJVsuRaBejNURu50M/s400/Andy+Sirkis+naked.jpg" width="318" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: blue;">Where do you wear your Precious, Gollum?</span></b></td></tr>
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</span></i></span><br />
<i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I know what motions I'd want to capture.</span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></i>
<i style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;">If you are accepting an award for Costume Design and you show up dressed like a member of a Lesbian biker gang, they should take back the award</i><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLWtrhyBj2YWmZsoFRUaPeRNdDFl5ZJb9ictBHoO0WEMYCQ5vQenzP9H_AOTeA38DxdoTdYwhv8TRUSnPdzm_gWy3N_01VxcNrP87Wn_Kb9yPoUoKoX4zuO9gZsYGjDzd8yOwpyYgNEdeL/s1600/jennyBeavan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLWtrhyBj2YWmZsoFRUaPeRNdDFl5ZJb9ictBHoO0WEMYCQ5vQenzP9H_AOTeA38DxdoTdYwhv8TRUSnPdzm_gWy3N_01VxcNrP87Wn_Kb9yPoUoKoX4zuO9gZsYGjDzd8yOwpyYgNEdeL/s400/jennyBeavan.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: blue;">You do know it's a formal event, right, Jenny?</span></b></td></tr>
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<i style="background-color: white; color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;">Given how far away from the stage the Production Designers were seated, they really should have been provided with a tram to the stage. I was able to go the kitchen, mix a martini, and return to the living room in the time it took the winners to get to the stage. Their speech was was shorter than their travel time. The band could have been playing them off before they got on.</i><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>So the guy with the horrible hair who performed the song from </i><b>50 Shades of Gay</b><i> is just called "The Weekend"? What is he, a Time Lord? He sang well enough (Is that a crazy vibrato waver or was he just nervous?) but it would have been more respectful if Cirque Du Soliel hadn't been upstaging him. Couldn't they have gone on after he finished? Suddenly I felt like I was Maggie Smith on </i><b>Downton Abbey</b><i>: What is a Weekend?</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4zo4L9_3xQEdmzNjBFaD3-PMrV8DmgzC93IJ_w7hQqbG4aolzYNFNaZIySQtIu8BUxdhQa4PMopUzMi_3l-ILlzSbqv0KUNyC9RIzYNLfQhkDxwjT3sY8I5iXUiI0Ap8h_neAqciC8Y70/s1600/The+Weekend.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4zo4L9_3xQEdmzNjBFaD3-PMrV8DmgzC93IJ_w7hQqbG4aolzYNFNaZIySQtIu8BUxdhQa4PMopUzMi_3l-ILlzSbqv0KUNyC9RIzYNLfQhkDxwjT3sY8I5iXUiI0Ap8h_neAqciC8Y70/s400/The+Weekend.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Suddenly I'm glad it's Monday.</b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>In just exactly what way did Damian Martin's one-week old baby daughter contribute to her dad's winning an Oscar for a movie completed before she was born, or probably even conceived?</i></span></span><br />
<div style="background-color: white; display: inline; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px; margin-top: 6px;">
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>New Rule: No thanking anyone who was not yet alive when you did the work that won you the award. Leave it on the bottom-of-the-screen thank-you-crawl that no one on earth is reading.</i></span><br />
<i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;"><br /></i>
<i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">They only performed </i><b style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">some</b><i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;"> but not all of the Song nominees? Well, way to let two of them know they don't rate.</i></div>
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<i style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;"><br /></i></div>
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<i style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">That's the second consecutive Best Song win for a Bond movie. And of course, I </i><b style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">loved</b><i style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;"> Sam Smith's speech! You go, girl! </i></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcw1cVr9X4oHt3WP2nQP0Q39Fk3Egd6loBsJdVjgqgv_6eZG6Y3oiu1ngyTVDFhcVCL9xowutQXUVXfTXCSjjZm-_ix9agmDRqHiPqfIoQ7AJzmzxAT3F1PKywxMWon6wufaT_8QFfIukh/s1600/Sam+Smith.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcw1cVr9X4oHt3WP2nQP0Q39Fk3Egd6loBsJdVjgqgv_6eZG6Y3oiu1ngyTVDFhcVCL9xowutQXUVXfTXCSjjZm-_ix9agmDRqHiPqfIoQ7AJzmzxAT3F1PKywxMWon6wufaT_8QFfIukh/s400/Sam+Smith.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: blue;">They're asking "Does it vibrate?"</span></b></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>The appearance by C3PO, R2D2 and BB8 was cute and all (How the hell does BB8 work?), but since they presented nothing, what did it add to the show besides a gratuitous two more minutes to an already too long show?</i></span></div>
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<i style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;"><br /></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<i style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">How about an Oscar for Best Awards Show Editing, for whomever can get the show down even to it's supposed 3-hour running time, let alone down to a more reasonable 2?</i></div>
<div>
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Dear Jared Leto, there is no such movie as "Magic Mike II." It is </i><b>Magic Mike XXL</b><i>. I may have inadvertently seen it a few dozen times, and have done my best to try and have it nominated for Best Picture. It may still be on my DVR right this moment. But your pretending you didn't know this was cute, though it fooled no one.</i></span></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><i><br /></i></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrQK8YtOeZ3eQ9-IkKgox6zoOhGlriAb2dL23k2xmjQCTwvnQecZqZn5RzkNct0b2974GjsS3aKMgif_L-i9E4-WhhvpGWZybZhDvi8HMFUoJntoQ-jR5M0pmbhgOsiWh4iTVfoXEopnm/s1600/MMXXLL.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSrQK8YtOeZ3eQ9-IkKgox6zoOhGlriAb2dL23k2xmjQCTwvnQecZqZn5RzkNct0b2974GjsS3aKMgif_L-i9E4-WhhvpGWZybZhDvi8HMFUoJntoQ-jR5M0pmbhgOsiWh4iTVfoXEopnm/s400/MMXXLL.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: blue;"><i>THIS</i> is entertainment!</span></b></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Jarad, while I have your attention, I'm glad you're so proud of your new dictionary, but I already knew what a merkin is: He's the villian in my book </i><b><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tallyho-Tallulah-Douglas-McEwan/dp/0985846305/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1456748749&sr=1-1&keywords=Tallyho%2C+Tallulah">Tallyho, Tallulah!</a></b><i>, actually named "Harry Merkin." You can read all about him, his wife, Minge Merkin, and their daughter, Fanny Merkin, just by clicking on the book's title.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>So Matt Damon's beard in </i><b>The Martian</b><i> was CGI? Can't Matty grow a beard? I'm almost certain he's gone through puberty. Or is his only beard Mrs. Damon? (They've never heard of crepe hair and spirit gum, which I'm </i><b>certain</b><i> is cheaper than CGI?)</i></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEBHUhyphenhyphenPjRRKDTF5UhFzLhGGyjvK-bt4M8ltZ-Nv-7MNpl7M3RGJBkH4FYdFyNpaTfXTI25eXslYpRgV0jSWKSryA7uzXRM7zZs0r2GKgw46RXqj0VsNcRWE3i2F95Vo0NvFH5Bl_gX9o/s1600/Matt+MArtian.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOEBHUhyphenhyphenPjRRKDTF5UhFzLhGGyjvK-bt4M8ltZ-Nv-7MNpl7M3RGJBkH4FYdFyNpaTfXTI25eXslYpRgV0jSWKSryA7uzXRM7zZs0r2GKgw46RXqj0VsNcRWE3i2F95Vo0NvFH5Bl_gX9o/s400/Matt+MArtian.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: blue;"><b>Poor Matt, trapped on a planet without me, </b></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><b>doing a remake of <i>Robinson Crusoe on Mars</i>.</b></span></td></tr>
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<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Academy, do you </i><b>really</b><i> want to play off the Iranian woman as she's saying how her short documentary has actually gotten laws changed and genuinely made progress in ending an ongoing atrocity? Her film has actually done something more important than make a few studio executives able to buy themselves third homes in Mazatlan. All by itself, it's done more good than </i><b>Mad Max: Fury Road</b><i> and </i><b>The Revenent</b><i> ever will or can accomplish. Unlike most of these movies, </i><b>A Girl in the River</b><i> is </i><b>genuinely</b><i> important. Stop playing her off. Play off actresses thanking their kindergarten teachers and their craft services people. Play off anyone thanking "God," but leave her alone.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Well, Alejandro Iñárritu outlasted the band. For once, the winner played off the orchestra.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Couldn't "Joy" put the baby down before screaming at the guy on her sofa? I was distracted by being worried for the baby "actor," who only knows that a loud mad woman is screaming angrily in its ear. The kid's distress wasn't "Acting"; it was real. You can't explain to a baby "It's only a movie."</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>I was amused when they cut directly from Mark Ruffalo to a shot of the guy he plays in </i><b>Spotlight</b><i>. "Yes, you can trust the veracity of our docudrama. We only made the lead character 400% more gorgeous than he really is, not 1000%."</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitgaSdRB5d7yTSWahfWzVNiIeOjGTyn378RrN2VCECgNiGuQsKC6Wrw4QZA8DPEhsucdaOxLulrsvLjlOO-QJ12RzmSn0neZ1MHyfzD6BOUnLkqzhZwz5u59m272qqsMtr1Ou_uWl1S_tz/s1600/Mark+and+Mike.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitgaSdRB5d7yTSWahfWzVNiIeOjGTyn378RrN2VCECgNiGuQsKC6Wrw4QZA8DPEhsucdaOxLulrsvLjlOO-QJ12RzmSn0neZ1MHyfzD6BOUnLkqzhZwz5u59m272qqsMtr1Ou_uWl1S_tz/s400/Mark+and+Mike.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: blue;">Hollywood would cast Henry Cavill without make-up as Quasimodo. </span></b></td></tr>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Why did the band play off Brie Larson with "Goldfinger"? I could see doing that for Sam Smith, but what did it have to do with Brie Larson? Was the room she and the kid were imprisoned in made of gold?</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>"Gender </i><b>CONFIRMATION</b><i> Surgery"? And Political Correctness creates another bizarre euphemism. I still haven't processed "Handi-capable" (Maybe it should be "Happy-capped"), and now "Gender Confirmation Surgery."</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>During Leo's speech, was the audience clapping </i><b>for</b><i> Global Warming?</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<br />
<div style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px; margin-bottom: 6px;">
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>Well I was shocked and delighted when Mark Rylance won. My suddenly shouting "</i><b>Yes! Yes!</b><i>" startled Little Dougie's cat Barrymore. And even after Sylvester Stallone, the odds-on favorite, had gotten himself freshly Collagened and Botoxed for the occasion. (Compared to his face in the movie, in the audience his skin looked freshly ironed.)</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7dV23bave0ezHdaU1aOC6ukCtStt57vwpo8MHFVQypb9Dw4iEx1su8gfN7AtwwZHt4E6ewnym6fnkwzwcZNbwiNvp2TQPyPMUVlpucnXzJbkZ04KHBcTKRfeLcIWADp5OBYA0Fgco99Ru/s1600/Barrymore+grown+CU.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="370" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7dV23bave0ezHdaU1aOC6ukCtStt57vwpo8MHFVQypb9Dw4iEx1su8gfN7AtwwZHt4E6ewnym6fnkwzwcZNbwiNvp2TQPyPMUVlpucnXzJbkZ04KHBcTKRfeLcIWADp5OBYA0Fgco99Ru/s400/Barrymore+grown+CU.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: blue;">Little Dougie's cat Barrymore, who outweighs me. Here he's recovered </span></b><br />
<b><span style="color: blue;">from the shock I gave him, or else he's drunk. (He is a Barrymore, after all.)</span></b></td></tr>
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<i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">Watching the clip, I could hear why hot little Tom Hardy lost. I couldn't understand a word he said. He sounded more marble-mouthed than Stallone.</i><br />
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<i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">Well, Best Picture was a pleasant surprise. After Best Director and Best Actor, I was expecting the bear rape movie to win, or barring that, given it's earlier sweep, </i><b style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Max: Furry Road</b><i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">. But the "Let's Take Down the Catholic Church" movie won. I'll bet they're seething in the Vatican. Good. I liked that.</i><br />
<i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;"><br /></i>
<i style="color: purple; font-family: georgia, 'times new roman', serif; line-height: 15.456px;">You can't say the Oscars had no surprises this year, except one: It was actually mostly entertaining for once. And best of all, I was still absent from the In Memorium montage, which means I'm still alive, just like that sex god Abe Vigoda. What a relief! Now excuse me while I drink myself into a coma. Cheers, darlings</i></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="color: blue;">Lube it first, darling, please. I'm old.</span></b></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><i><br /></i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15.456px;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span></div>
Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-21843974941270129902014-09-05T18:04:00.000-07:002016-02-29T22:31:17.870-08:00Jane Eryehead<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO5wupAph3eFv5Iw5igvmqm3xeO75CrQ2AM3gWjnc-3TK4mMTFbFGZZw6gAZkJRKAPwJFlk978Cm_YUvorEkxYjQRW4WIJjTJe8JXxxOKPyFjL_pFqU29s6ttfbg3Dn1eminOKowVUlmbz/s1600/Jane+Eyre+covers.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_480058="null" dua="true" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjO5wupAph3eFv5Iw5igvmqm3xeO75CrQ2AM3gWjnc-3TK4mMTFbFGZZw6gAZkJRKAPwJFlk978Cm_YUvorEkxYjQRW4WIJjTJe8JXxxOKPyFjL_pFqU29s6ttfbg3Dn1eminOKowVUlmbz/s1600/Jane+Eyre+covers.bmp" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>I know I haven't posted anything in a long while, but I’ve been reading </em><strong>Jane Eyre</strong><em> by Charlotte Bronte (Or is it </em><strong>Charlotte Bronte</strong><em> by Jane Eyre? Hard to tell from some of these book covers), and it's a <strong>long</strong> book, and I have old eyes. Having seen all of Dickens’s movies and mini-series (Not to mention reading his books, chapter-by-chapter, as he wrote them. "Ellen Tiernan" was the name he used for me to protect his name from being associated with mine when his infidelities were eventually reported in his biographies), I figured I’d seen all the primary brutal-childhoods-of-19th-Century-orphans, </em><strong>Oliver Twist, David Copperfield, Great Expectations</strong><em>, Smike in </em><strong>Nicholas Nickleby</strong><em>, </em><strong>Judy Garland at Metro in the 1930s</strong><em>, etc., etc.. But Dickens’s pathetic orphans are always enlivened by his wit and humor. And however bad being an orphan must be, it's still got to be better than having </em><strong>my</strong><em> mother. How I remember walking past the orphanage when I was a little girl, and envying them. Miss Bronte doesn’t seem to find any humor in - well - anything. So, here’s my impression of the early chapters of </em><strong>Jane Eyre</strong><em>.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgftEmuTFfL_dbUsg047HpIjPFOvxKwQtLP3LdaGtPI0quZ-EI3H47YVxuA58O8wAeEF3SPgbASBXFbrjPAnPrBR1VM99dre1IqkR6oltx_2Iez2Zo-clGu_1zH1vX1NkCbgmCw6LSW8zAl/s1600/Joan+as+Jane.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" closure_lm_480058="null" dua="true" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgftEmuTFfL_dbUsg047HpIjPFOvxKwQtLP3LdaGtPI0quZ-EI3H47YVxuA58O8wAeEF3SPgbASBXFbrjPAnPrBR1VM99dre1IqkR6oltx_2Iez2Zo-clGu_1zH1vX1NkCbgmCw6LSW8zAl/s1600/Joan+as+Jane.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Shallow soundstage set with a cyclorama backdrop at 20th Century Fox in Hollywood? Don't be silly. It's Joan Fontaine on a Yorkshire moor. Is that Basil Rathbone in the background, chasing a big dog?</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>Book 1. </em>My Wretched Childhood.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>Chapter 1. </em>Today’s Beatings.</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>My cousin, being a large, strapping, not to say morbidly obese, boy of fourteen, and having arrived home from a stroll past the lone flower in the "Garden," and the single tree in the "Woods" of our Yorkshire neighborhood moors, took a deep breath and began giving me my afternoon beating, employing a thick wooden cudgel for the irksome task. I was a particularly weak, grossly unattractive and sickly weakling of a ten year old girl at the time, so my cousin was obliged to beat me two or three times a day, for my own good.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>Nanny and Bessie the Mean Maid explained to me that it was my own fault for being so ugly. "If you were only a pretty child, like your cousin Georgiana, we should feel some natural sympathy for your plight, friendless and alone, trapped in a household where all, even the dog, hate you, and given beatings more often than meals," said Bessie, as she kicked me, "But you are so very, very ugly, such an offense to the eye, that we have no choice but to beat you severely every few hours, in hopes that the bruisings and swellings will conceal your more repulsive features from view."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Burn her arms with coals from the fire!" said Nanny, lovingly.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Jane Eyre" and Little Liz Taylor, pretending to have rotten childhoods.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>Chapter 2. </em>Mrs. Reed Punishes Me.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>Mrs. Reed was in a foul temper. Apparently, though I had spent the night locked in my late uncle’s coffin with his corpse, my endless screams of terror had been loud enough to penetrate the oaken coffin lid and disturb the thoughts of my Aunt, Mrs. Reed, as she counted her late husband’s money and ate bon-bons, until I passed out from the lack of Oxygen. She had me dragged before her by Bessie.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Jane," said my stern aunt, "Your screaming all night has vexed me sorely."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"I am most sorry, Auntie dear, but you had me locked in a small coffin with the corpse of the last human being who ever loved me, and I was very much afraid."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Do not sass me back, you young beggar. First you force your plump, handsome cousin to beat you for your ugliness, and now you dare answer me back, exposing all those ugly holes in your gums where we’ve knocked out your teeth? How dare you? You must be punished for this."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Auntie, you are most unpleasant, and I hate you."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Is that the gratitude you show me? I am all that stands between you and the workhouse."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"At the workhouse, I’d eat better."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"That is it, young mistress. You do not like it here? You shall go to school. Tomorrow, after your three cousins, plus Nanny, Bessie the Mean Maid and I, have all beaten you farewell, you will be shipped off to the Lowood School For Masochists, where they will put an end to all this mollycoddling you’ve enjoyed here." Then Auntie hung me upside down with chains over the dinner table for the rest of the night, where I could watch them eat dinner. Fortunately, I had eaten a small, damp sponge I'd stolen from the kitchen two weeks before, so I wasn't as hungry as usual.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3wGcoHa9ipNvhgpfxoBVmx532a7knpgC7tL11hjBJYl8N5XxdE5zz5VQsEGPyuOwqDXnchGEX_X6MRrZlCpmRc0mcKawMQ8HZDqANGtIrxTXGQYBNcWPePQesxyBbcDE0V3BdPwFZeOyK/s1600/Rochester+weds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" closure_lm_480058="null" dua="true" height="295" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3wGcoHa9ipNvhgpfxoBVmx532a7knpgC7tL11hjBJYl8N5XxdE5zz5VQsEGPyuOwqDXnchGEX_X6MRrZlCpmRc0mcKawMQ8HZDqANGtIrxTXGQYBNcWPePQesxyBbcDE0V3BdPwFZeOyK/s1600/Rochester+weds.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not, I think, one of my weddings, though I could be mistaken. <br />
(Little Johnny Abbott, the least famous person in this photo, once appeared on the same bill with Little Dougie, who's even less famous.) Abbott is playing "Bernstein," Welles is playing Mr. C. F. Kane, and Joan is playing the sled. </td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>Chapter 3. </em>Lowood School.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>At school, I quickly learned what actual unkindness is, and realized how gentle my auntie and my cousins, and Nanny and Bessie the Mean Maid, had been to me in the past.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Miss Eyre," said Mr. Sadism, the horrid headmaster, "It was reported to me that you were shivering during the night, contrary to our rules. Is this true?"</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Well, sir, you obliged me to sleep naked out on the roof during the blizzard last night. I was very chilly indeed."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"You dare answer me back, you repulsive troll of a girl? You shall be hooked up to the battery electrodes and taught a shocking lesson in manners. But first, religious instruction. Read this aloud, Miss Eyre," he said, holding open his large, wood-covered Bible for me.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Love thy neighbor as thyself," I read.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><em>"Correct, you hideous young crone. And now, to make sure it sinks in, I shall impress you with the Bible," he said, as he began striking me over the head with the wooden Bible, drawing blood on its sharp-edged cover jewels...</em></span><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia";"> ***</span></em><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia";"><em>And people thought the characters in </em><strong>The 120 Days of Sodom</strong><em> were somewhat unpleasant. </em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia";"><em>Well, cheers, darlings. And for a more-cheerful time, read my new book, </em><strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tallyho-Tallulah-Douglas-McEwan/dp/0985846305/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409964784&sr=1-1&keywords=Tallyho%2C+Tallulah">Tallyho, Tallulah!</a></strong></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What my book would look like if it weren't funny.</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-41778342446532427672014-02-19T22:03:00.000-08:002014-02-19T22:17:44.281-08:00The Stately Holmes of England. (The Butler Did it!)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: purple;"><em> Hello, darlings. Did you think I was dead? I did, but it turned out I was only dead drunk. I found myself adrift in space, and only just managed to get myself back to earth. </em><span style="color: black;">[Editor's Note: I took Tallulah to see <em><strong>Gravity</strong></em> in Imax 3-D, sitting close to the screen, and I'm afraid she lost herself in the movie a little too literally. Basically, she's just been too drunk to do much of anything besides drink. There are few people of less use than a 117 year old drunk.]</span><em> Anyway, I'm back. Fortunately, you've all had my new book, </em><strong>Tallyho, Tallulah!</strong><em> to give you your Tallulah fix while I was orbiting the earth trying to catch George Clooney. (He didn't need a space suit. He's a screen immortal. He was just trying to hide himself from any unpleasantness he feared I might be carrying. He called it his "Full-Body Condom.")</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><em>But this won't be much of a fix. You see,</em><span class="userContent"><span style="color: black;"> </span><em>Little Dougie has a new book out, sort of. Since it's not about me, I fail to see the point of it, but as he is my Webmaster, so I must be his Webslave and let him plug it. </em><strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/This-Here-Your-Sherlock-Holmes/dp/B00IDHGCGS/ref=pd_rhf_gw_p_dnr_1"><span style="color: blue;">THIS HERE IS YOUR LIFE, SHERLOCK HOLMES</span></a></strong><em> must be Dougie's way of jumpin</em><em>g on the </em><strong>Sherlock</strong><em> bandwagon, so to capitalize on </em><strong>Sherlock Season 3</strong><em> (Which was brilliantly great fun, by the way), he ran right out and did this show in 1976. (Hence the cutting-edge, current-as-yesterday's-ancient-history-lessons, </em><strong>Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman</strong><em> parody segment. Ask your grandmother what </em><strong>Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman</strong><em> was. There are also a number of gags that play off of advertising slogans that everyone knew in 1976 and no one knows now. It's like comedy from the Aztecs.)</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not your grandmother's Mary Hartman. Oh wait, yes it is.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><em>This "Audiobook," currently available as a download and shortly to be available on CD, is a half-hour radio comedy show starring Daws Butler, who, unlike Little Dougie, was a magnificent talent and comedy & voice genius, as "Ralph Backwards," Jules Verne, Jack the Ripper, William Gillette, and others, Ben Wright as Sherlock Holmes, Mike Hodel as Dr. Watson, and Little Dougie as Count Dracula and Oscar Wilde. (He </em><strong>wishes</strong><em> he were Oscar Wilde, except for that going-to-prison-for-being-gay thing.) Daws was also head writer, and Dougie was one of the team of writers who knocked it out. Here's Daws, hanging out with Little Dougie in Dougie's 1980 living room.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTz5Ov489PYZ90qpdErrWRRAUtaXS9upFOVzONTvTlvDCz7fh7U4qiUllRkAcNinSE4NrmCy1q5FiAFdErDTRvasQY61Tbq4eGmMvUHH_Z7Q6T5gTpIqiWgICTNa03_OxMHjDaXbmkiPwY/s1600/Doug+and+Daws.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" closure_lm_345208="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTz5Ov489PYZ90qpdErrWRRAUtaXS9upFOVzONTvTlvDCz7fh7U4qiUllRkAcNinSE4NrmCy1q5FiAFdErDTRvasQY61Tbq4eGmMvUHH_Z7Q6T5gTpIqiWgICTNa03_OxMHjDaXbmkiPwY/s1600/Doug+and+Daws.jpg" height="315" hta="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The great Daws Butler trying to get away from Little Dougie's death grip.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><em>To fill out the CD, and turn a half-hour show into an hour of stuff, there's a half-hour interview with, of all people, Little Dougie. Well, if you buy it, you don't have to listen to the interview. I can't imagine people buying a CD to hear Dougie talk. I sometimes pay him just to shut up. But the comedy show part is a good deal of fun, and you can't go wrong with Daws Butler and Ben Wright.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><em>Ben Wright was a wonderful actor. He was directed by Sir Alfred Hitchcock (In the movie </em><strong>Topaz</strong><em>), and acted with Marlon Brando (In </em><strong>Mutiny on the Bounty</strong><em>), so acting with Little Dougie, performing words Dougie wrote, was a big thrill for Dougie, and an career low for Ben. When you've acted with Brando and been directed by Hitchcock, acting with Dougie is definitely slumming. However, it was not an all-time career low for him. He was, after all, acting with Daws Butler, and for an all-time career low, well, in </em><strong>The Wreck of the Mary Dreare</strong><em>, his co-star was Charleton Heston. One doesn't act "with" Cheston, as that implies UpChuck was acting also. But Ben acted </em><strong>near</strong><em> Heston.</em></span> <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT-soHPfB-_Ju_FbPrengA2SkGCI1omMxiwBgujGLkn0fWB6M0n-IKU-lNJ067sIcvn3dEcwwXKahClDZ_ec_0yZnN6nZGTBmwr7Qwknx1cETCWvJbJita-lbyKczo1mnJljYvyo9YKfo4/s1600/Ben+Wright.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" closure_lm_345208="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT-soHPfB-_Ju_FbPrengA2SkGCI1omMxiwBgujGLkn0fWB6M0n-IKU-lNJ067sIcvn3dEcwwXKahClDZ_ec_0yZnN6nZGTBmwr7Qwknx1cETCWvJbJita-lbyKczo1mnJljYvyo9YKfo4/s1600/Ben+Wright.jpg" height="300" hta="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben Wright on <em>Mission: Impossible</em>. Among Ben's acting credits: <em>Journey to the Center of the Earth</em> (with James Mason, and the Olivier of untalented Jesus freaks, Pat Boone), <em>101 Dalmations</em> (The original animated one. He played "Roger," The male human protagonist), the Liz Taylor <em>Cleopatra</em> (He was the narrator), <em>The Sound of Music, The Sand Pebbles, Munsters Go Home, Topaz, </em>and <em>The Little Mermaid</em>, plus such TV credits as <em>Twilight Zone, Perry Mason, Gunsmoke, The Outer Limits, Man From UNCLE, Get Smart, My Favorite Martian, Bonanza, The Monkees, The Addams Family</em> (Yes, he worked with both The Munsters and The Addams Family), <em>Hogan's Heroes</em>, and - well, actually, it would be easier just to list the movies and TV shows he was not on. Yes, working with Little Dougie must have been a real thrill for him.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><em>Little Dougie is a long-time Sherlockian. You should see him cream for <strong>Sherlock</strong> and rail at how lame </em><strong>Elementary</strong><em> is. Mention Robert Downey Jr's "Sherlock Holmes" to him and he goes ballistic. You'd think those movies were a crime against humanity from the way they make Little Dougie foam at the mouth. This is a man who traveled all the way to England just so he could visit Baker Street and Dartmoor.</em></span> <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Little Dougie seeks the Hound of Hell on Dartmoor, 20 years ago. <br />
At what school did Dougie learn to be a detective?<br />
Elementary, my dear Vodka.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple;"> But this CD, which you can order by clicking on its title above, is so inexpensive that one loses no money putting up with Dougie for the sublimely silly comedy of Daws and Ben.</span></em> <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD19nxQKkh36G4RFKXGpuwBIsM5-X67xPGSAXyUFiWFgtdQH-lSZ5PlX4PgM5XUe2AEp9HtXepx1_iFjpY8LVeIA5ZWOXMragR__p7c_ByrQa9BAGXxY_G-xqXUyr4UvJesIrW41c4BxZY/s1600/Holmes+Silhouette.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" closure_lm_391875="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD19nxQKkh36G4RFKXGpuwBIsM5-X67xPGSAXyUFiWFgtdQH-lSZ5PlX4PgM5XUe2AEp9HtXepx1_iFjpY8LVeIA5ZWOXMragR__p7c_ByrQa9BAGXxY_G-xqXUyr4UvJesIrW41c4BxZY/s1600/Holmes+Silhouette.gif" height="400" hta="true" width="323" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If he doesn't look like this, he's <strong><em>NOT</em></strong> Sherlock Holmes!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><em>As for me, I'm holding out for a </em><strong>real</strong><em> man, James Bond. Ian Fleming may have been a weird-looking, sexist snob, but he was a hell of a writer, and James Bond knows how to appreciate a drunk woman. If you do too, then pick up a copy of </em><strong>This Here is Your Life, Sherlock Holmes</strong><em> and </em><strong>Tallyho Tallulah!</strong><em> But only if you want to do a lot of laughing. Cheers, darlings.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBNEWvkpDjifI65J5QnF8pRBHAvXNYgDSBIhPT0U8JF0ZnvTLQWE4EBF0lX-bSlO5XCHRmLDGIEDjdes5bSTSPnP561m-iGQav-_APAEBomg8_ZoW9uUS6Za6hMdwmHKokLeANy4XL0txb/s1600/Live+and+Let+Drink.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" closure_lm_391875="null" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBNEWvkpDjifI65J5QnF8pRBHAvXNYgDSBIhPT0U8JF0ZnvTLQWE4EBF0lX-bSlO5XCHRmLDGIEDjdes5bSTSPnP561m-iGQav-_APAEBomg8_ZoW9uUS6Za6hMdwmHKokLeANy4XL0txb/s1600/Live+and+Let+Drink.jpg" height="235" hta="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'd make a great Bond Broad. My martinis are always shaken, even if they're stirred. Just my staggaring across a room holding it leaves them severely shaken.</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-22064764703084225172013-06-10T06:33:00.000-07:002013-06-10T16:16:18.013-07:00Random Acts of Tony.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi1vmO-aH2VbCYm_y-9-IGYPP-MDEecu0nP58t4j20mX-l5pN0mpWQKYUGHqL3n0S4cm3OuH1rCkPv9tai1DWgEuKqI5dRCBOcJYjo46QCtGDHHtOb7ES_WR3v74dNjJBH2AJ7vVY7L_sb/s1600/Climb+Every+Tony.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhi1vmO-aH2VbCYm_y-9-IGYPP-MDEecu0nP58t4j20mX-l5pN0mpWQKYUGHqL3n0S4cm3OuH1rCkPv9tai1DWgEuKqI5dRCBOcJYjo46QCtGDHHtOb7ES_WR3v74dNjJBH2AJ7vVY7L_sb/s400/Climb+Every+Tony.jpg" width="400" yya="true" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Climb Ev'ry Tony!"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>There is not one new musical up for an award this season I am even remotely interested in seeing. Between the blah new shows, and the avalanche of 1970s and ‘80s revivals, I was just too bored to write a full recap/review of</em> <strong>The Tony Awards Show</strong><em>. Here are just some random thoughts that crossed my alleged mind over the course of watching the telecast.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>You know what the fake Tonys on </em><strong>Smash</strong><em> never did? It never trotted out rapist and professional beater-up-of-people Mike Tyson to befoul a Broadway stage.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I figured out what the divine Audra McDonald’s presenter outfit was supposed to be. Someone told her it was a "Fancy Dress" event, and she took the English meaning, "Costume Party," and came dressed as the poster for </em><strong>Close Encounters of the Third Kind</strong><em>. All she needed were the words "We Are Not Alone" tattooed across her forehead. </em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKWBPU-G5a0QcBB2c1_gErZtHsOK4M_K1vTrUEt0CkN39AJHJ7k9RcObLhOXSN_UCpiwM9O2ROIMNT5cDawaJNjadp552ediaIP6RSS3DAYPGb0ilWy5ReK6TRKu0Fhdj5JkZYL4ECm76H/s1600/Audra+and+CEOTTK.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKWBPU-G5a0QcBB2c1_gErZtHsOK4M_K1vTrUEt0CkN39AJHJ7k9RcObLhOXSN_UCpiwM9O2ROIMNT5cDawaJNjadp552ediaIP6RSS3DAYPGb0ilWy5ReK6TRKu0Fhdj5JkZYL4ECm76H/s400/Audra+and+CEOTTK.jpg" width="400" yya="true" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Her boobs make the glow over the horizon.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">It worked because she was presenting with Zack Quinto, who was dressed as "Mr. Spock in 1955."</span></em><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij0NEJedo8xMWN0YSHRuQcIjVPcF-6ia28fkw75LAQn8bKP6lbcD1_dkzm2-452WmPEpH4tPPdjExl1PJWX2LfDEHq-ziRuikflkJF4fRnBt1TTGR0oVyqidl5LN9P8SllkVehNcyEiunV/s1600/Audra+and+Spock.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij0NEJedo8xMWN0YSHRuQcIjVPcF-6ia28fkw75LAQn8bKP6lbcD1_dkzm2-452WmPEpH4tPPdjExl1PJWX2LfDEHq-ziRuikflkJF4fRnBt1TTGR0oVyqidl5LN9P8SllkVehNcyEiunV/s400/Audra+and+Spock.jpg" width="400" yya="true" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You barely need a color TV anymore.<br />
<em><strong>Star Trek: Into Dimness</strong></em>.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I’d rather be waterboarded than see one more second of </em><strong>Matilda</strong><em> after enduring that fake classroom full of screeching children. Oh dear, there’s also going to be something from </em><strong>Annie</strong><em>. Shoot me now, please.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Judith Light’s speech could make me nostalgic for award shows where the band plays people off.</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Having fictional characters as presenters pretty much strips away the last layer of illusion that these awards are meaningful and real. It no longer qualifies as "Reality TV." Next the characters from </em><strong>Smash</strong><em> will be handing out Tonys: "Since we won the Tony for Best Musical two weeks ago, we now get to announce the newer, realer winner of "Best musical."</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>And then, when we got to the presenters from </em><strong>Once</strong><em>, the characters were "Guy" and "Girl." We've now gone from real people to fictional characters, and then from fictional characters to Generic Character Tropes.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Hold on! "Guy" isn't a guy, it's Rory Pond</em><strong> nee</strong><em> Williams, from </em><strong>Doctor Who</strong><em>. A fellow who takes his wife's name and drops his own isn't a "guy" in my book, or at least in my blog, which this is, so he isn't.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Guy" oustside his enormous Pandorica.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Cin</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">derella</span></strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> is not much of a show, but it was nice to hear some actual Richard Rogers melodies. By the way, about "Prince Charming": Cindi can do better. "Prince Meh" is more like it.</span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Good Grief, one of The Smith Brothers just won Best Sound Design. That seems an awfully big award just to give someone for finding a way to silence audience coughing.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If I yank on his beard, will it reveal Kevin Spacey?</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If you had a cute eight year old who could dance, would you want him playing Michael Jackson? Well, I suppose it’s better, and safer, than having him meet the real one.</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><span style="color: purple;">Cindi Lauper said she’d practiced her speech in front of the shower curtain for a few days. Her hair looked like she’d slept on a shower curtain for a few days. </span></em><em><span style="color: purple;">I think this may have been the very first time I ever found myself watching Cindi Lauper and thinking: "Get off the stage."</span></em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Okay, an army of Spider-Men introduced the inhuman torture that is a chorus of little Girls belting out that shrill horror of the American Theater, </em><strong>It’s A Hard Knock Life</strong><em>. Oh, if only the little girls had seen the Spider-Men, shrieked "</em><strong>Ew! Spiders! Run!</strong><em>" and they all then fled the stage without singing that hideous number.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So neither Derek nor Tom won Best Director of a Musical after all? Well, that was much-plot-ado-about-nothing, which, come to think of it, describes the entire run of </em><strong>Smash</strong><em>. Turns out it went to a woman for directing a circus. I was hoping Susan Strohman would get it for </em><strong>Imitation of Life</strong><em>. Anyone who could make that slushy, dated soap opera almost interesting for two hours deserves every award out there.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>(In the hilarious 1959 movie of </em><strong>Imitation of Life</strong><em>, there’s an emotional moment when John Gavin snaps at Lana Turner: "Stop acting!" I’ve never seen it without thinking: "</em><strong>STOP</strong><em> acting? What are you talking about? I’m still waiting for her to </em><strong>START</strong><em> acting!")</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And that's just what she does. John & Lana Imitate Life unconvincingly.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">They’re giving Tonys to straight plays again? When did that restart? They sure weren’t doing that two weeks ago. (On Broadway, the term "Straight Play," means something entirely different from what civilians mean by "Straight Play." What non-theater folk mean by a "Straight Play" does not exist on Broadway. On Broadway, it just means "A musical with all the songs cut.")</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Are they sure they want to bring out Cuba Gooding Junior? The Oscars made the error of giving him an award many years ago now in a rush of as-it-turned-out-baseless enthusiasm for his - ah - talent, and they’ve regretted it ever since. He’s doing a play on Broadway, is he? What’s the Broadway equivalent of straight-to-video? No "Original Cast" CD?</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hey, pretty white boy, I so dazzled and distracted them with these abs that they lost track of what they were doing and accidentally gave me an Oscar. I was hoping for a Tony too, but my abs are 16 years older, and people keep looking at Cecily Tyson like she's all hot or something."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Oh, Andrea Martin can run on all she likes. I love her so much, I’m okay with just hearing her babble. (And she won that Tony for singing a song while hanging </em><strong>UPSIDE DOWN,</strong><em> performing a trapeze act as she warbles, </em><strong>in her mid-60s!</strong><em> She should get a Pulitzer!)</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>"</em><strong>Good Lovin’</strong><em>." What is this? </em><strong>Shindig</strong><em> in 1968? When did the Tonys become about fat, elderly rockers? It’s supposed to be about fat elderly Broadway divas. Where’s Liza?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I think I can skip the touring company of </em><strong>The Testament of Mary</strong><em>. </em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Now I saw the movie of </em><strong>The Lion King</strong><em>, and thought: "Eh? I’ve seen </em><strong>Hamlet</strong><em> done better." However, Simba in the movie was just a cartoon lion. He lacked the spectacular mantits on the guy playing Simba on the Tonys last night. "Hello, Kitty! Can I Feel Your Love Tonight?"</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Simba, darling, Rowr! (Lose the other pussies.)"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Given what an Amazon Sigourney Weaver is and what a hobbit Michael Bloomberg is, her kissing his ass without actually stooping over was more acrobatic than anything in </em><strong>Pippin</strong><em>.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Every time someone from </em><strong>Annie</strong><em> came out, I found myself tempted to switch over to the </em><strong>Game of Thrones</strong><em> finale, and I’ve never even seen any of its other episodes. (On The Tonys, they'd have "The Gay Red Wedding.")</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Harold Prince came out to celebrate the 25-years-and-still-running show </em><strong>Phantom of the Opera</strong><em>, which exists to prove that, on Broadway, you don’t have to be any good to be a smashing success, nor be rotton to be a crashing failure. (People who saw </em><strong>Cats</strong><em> have also learned this weird fact.) The audience at Radio City Music Hall were very polite and patient about having to sit through the lengthy </em><strong>Phantom</strong><em> excerpt on top of all the </em><strong>Annie</strong><em> crap.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So Billy Porter, the fast-reading drag queen who won for </em><strong>Kinky Boots</strong><em>, didn’t just get a job, acclaim and a Tony for work in this show; he was also, he said, "Healed." Is it a musical show or a Christian Science Reading room?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Is Matthew Broderick still doing that show he got fat for on Broadway last year? Because he’s still fat.</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So Tony show designers, what did eliminating podiums do for the show? It forced winner after winner to set their award on the floor (where it was quickly scooped up by a person whose sole function seemed to be "Tony Scooper"), while they fished out and read their speech notes. Please remember, designers, that form </em><strong>FOLLOWS</strong><em> function. Award shows have podiums for a reason.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Hey! They left Ray Harryhausen out of the Dead Folks Montage! You try using stop-motion animation in a live show some time, I dare you.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"You think Liza Minnelli is real? I animated her, frame by frame."</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Andy Griffith is still dead? It seems like he’s been in every dead folks montage for the last three years now. </span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Why wasn’t </em><strong>Smash</strong><em> included in the "In Memorium" segment?</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">R.I.P. <em><strong>Smash</strong></em>.<br />
("Psst, Debra, you were only nominated for a pretend Tony. These are the real ones.")</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Did they bring on "Velma Kelly" twice because no one has any idea who is playing her now, 17 years into the run? In any event, "Velma," if you don’t know your lines, then know where your teleprompter is.</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>You could take an entire trip to Bountiful, and back again, in the time it took Cecily Tyson to get to the stage. Fortunately, since she isn't a man, she stopped and asked for directions enroute - </em>twice!<em> She was wearing a lovely purple wad of clothing. Please tell me that she’s not related to Mike Tyson. (Well, </em><strong>someone</strong><em> beat up her frock, and it didn't look like Chris Brown's type.)</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm terribly sorry, but I seem to have slept in my frock. Are there beets? I was promised beets. The last time I was promised beets, it just turned out to be okra. This wig is heavy."</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Cecily, when they’ve been playing you off for 30 seconds or more, one "Thank you" is sufficient. You needn’t do five.")</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Patina Mitchell won Best Actress in a Musical primarily for acting near and under a 66 year-old Andrea Martin, flailing about on a trapeze in mid-air above her. Think how distracted you'd be trying to sing with your grandmother doing mid-air somersaults through flaming hoops five inches above your hair!</span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>How gay is Broadway? Well, </em><strong>Bombshell</strong><em> lost out to a show about footware. The producer of </em><strong>Kinky Boots</strong><em> told us that it was a show about accepting "Other people who might be a bit different than we are," in other words, about accepting those people who watched the </em><strong>Game of Thrones</strong><em> season finale last night instead of The Tonys, and even people who like sports. No, seriously. (However, I draw the line at people who like Mike Tyson.)</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Still they have not learned that when a show has </em><strong>already</strong><em> run five minutes overtime, no one wants a funny "Finale." Say, "Thank you," and then shut up and go to the bar. The line forms behind me.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><em><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Cheers, darlings</span>.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The creative team of <em>Kinky Boots</em> celebrates their triumph.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">[And then stop watching all this theater crap and buy and read a copy of my new book, <em><strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tallyho-Tallulah-Douglas-McEwan/dp/0985846305/ref=pd_ybh_7">Tallyho, Tallulah!</a></strong></em>, which is all about doing a play in live theater. But did I win a Tony? No? Well, <em><strong>excuuuuuse meeeee!</strong></em>]</span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-87371954201233354412013-04-14T21:45:00.000-07:002013-04-16T16:13:01.054-07:00Struttin' For Hutton.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I should have written this column a week ago, but I was weak and backsliding. (Who was sliding me about on my back? Never you mind. Besides, if he didn't say his name to me, how could I tell it to you? Be logical!) Little Dougie took me to the theater in North Hollywood last week, Broadway being too far from the L.A. MTA Orange Line for him to get to. The show was Diane Vincent's mini-musical, </em><strong>Nuttin' But Hutton: A Musical Tribute to the Songs of Betty Hutton</strong><em>, and it was great fun. Live humans singing and dancing to live music provided by live musicians. It's like a 3-D movie you don't need special glasses to watch. (Well, Dougie did.)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Diane Vincent sings, Nathan Holland grins, and my darling Vincent Price observes from the <em>Diversions and Delights</em> poster in the background. If they come in to do the show and that poster is missing, they'll know Dougie has broken into the theater and stolen it because he covets the poster. Dougie's weird.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The show is a nearly plotless excuse for Diane to sing a number (26) of songs Betty performed in movies 60 years and more back. Okay, there's not much book, but look at the songwriters whose work is included: Jay Livingston, Ray Evans, Frank Loesser, Jimmy McHugh, Johnny Mercer, Jimmy Van Heusen, Hoagy Carmichael, Vic Mizzy, Victor Young, Ned Washington, Rogers & Hammerstein, George & Ira Gershwin, Gus Kahn, and Irving Berlin. And that's not even all of them!</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Diane Vincent in red and green.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So who is Diane Vincent, some of you ask? Well, she's a singer, an actress and a comic dynamo. She spends her days playing "Lucy Ricardo" at Universal Studios Hollywood, which is not in Hollywood but in Universal City, over the hill (like so many of us) from Hollywood. These days, her evenings are spent singing Betty Hutton songs and clowning onstage. (There's no way to do most of these songs without clowning. They were written for a superb muscal clown, and are now being performed again by another superb musical clown.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>But Little Dougie is prejudiced in her favor, which is why imparital little old me is writing this review instead of Dougie. Because Diane Vincent is one of the children of Larry "Seymour" Vincent, Little Dougie's friend, mentor and employer, who passed away far, far too young, way the heck back in 1975. Larry was a pretty damn funny guy, especially with a song, himself. How funny was Larry? Well let me put it this way: he could take a script Dougie had written and even make that funny. Here, hear for yourself. Here is Larry Vincent singing </em><strong>The Freckle Song</strong><em>, and if it doesn't make you smile and laugh, then there's something seriously wrong with you.</em></span><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><br />So Dougie takes an interest, on behalf of his old friend, as it were, in Diane's career. Fortunately, that involves seeing fun shows. Thank heaven Larry didn't have untalented kids.</span></em> <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Larry Vincent and Little Dougie a mere 40 years ago. These days, Larry looks better than Dougie does, and Larry's been dead for 38 years.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So what is this show? Well, it's a celebration of the special material songs written for and performed by Miss Betty Hutton during her movie career back in the 1940s and '50s.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Betty Hutton as Judy Garland as Ethel Merman as Annie Oakley.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>For a while, Betty was Paramount's number one box office star. She was a knockabout slapstick comedienne with a flare for music. She was high energy, with an aggressive comedy style. At her best, she could be riotously funny, but she could also caress a ballad with real warmth. She was </em><strong>NOT</strong><em> subtle. She was a forceful figure who could barge into scenes and run riot. And the comedy songs written for her tended to be wild and wacky.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Betty makes the cover of Time about a month before Dougie was born.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Her best-remembered films include </em><strong>Annie Get Your Gun</strong><em> (Unavailable for decades because Irving Berlin loathed it, these days it is easily seen on DVD), DeMille's gigantic and grotesque </em><strong>The Greatest Show on Earth</strong><em>, which won the Oscar for Best Picture though it's actually laughably awful (The Academy seems to have taken its title at face value without seeing the silly circus melodrama that follows the title), with a spectacular train wreck scene that looks like it was shot on a really expensive home electric train set (But Betty is not among what's wrong with this movie), and </em><strong>The Miracle of Morgan's Creek</strong><em>, an amazingly risque comic masterpiece from the genius Preston Sturges.</em> </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Annie Get Your Gun</strong><em>, which was released 12 days before Little Dougie was born, was a rare MGM film for Betty, as she was a last-minute replacement for Judy Garland in a role written for Ethel Merman on Broadway. Though three songs from its familiar score are in </em><strong>Nuttin' But Hutton</strong><em>, unlike the other material in the show, those songs were not written for, nor tailered to, Betty. They were written for Ethel Merman, though they fit Betty like a glove. Both women were, after all, known for broad comedy and </em><strong>LOUD</strong><em> singing. (My chum Dame Edna likes to say: "That dress fits you like a glove; it sticks out in five places.")</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">DeMille has Betty throw over gorgeous, charming Cornel Wilde for that untalented block of granite, Charlton Heston. Completely insane. And that's not the nuttiest plotline in the film. It has Jimmy Stewart as a murderer (a <strong><em>NICE</em></strong> murderer) hiding out from the police in the circus as a clown by <em><strong>NEVER TAKING HIS CLOWN MAKE UP OFF, 24 HOURS A DAY!</strong></em> Yeah, that wouldn't make anyone suspicious. Stewart has one of the most bone-headed lines of dialogue ever written. Accounting for his weird behavior (Like never taking off his clown make up) to Betty, he says, sans any trace of comic irony: "Well, you know, clowns are funny people."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The best film she was ever in, ironically enough, is not represented in</em> <strong>Nuttin' But Hutton</strong><em>, but </em><strong>The Miracle of Morgan's Creek</strong><em> was not a musical. It is an incredible knockabout comedy about a woman who can't remember who knocked her up. That might be a common theme in films now, but in 1944, it was shocking, and Sturges ladeled on the innuendo by naming Betty's character "Trudy Kockenlocker." The dirty joke winking inside that name was wholly intentional. (The closest to the name of the man who impregnated her with quintuplets that Trudy can recall was "Ratskiwatski." Apparently, she was knocked up by the recently-deposed Pope, back when he was Private Ratskiwatski in Hitler's army.)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Note the joke "Who kissed the boys goodbye, regiment by regiment." In my own memoir, <em><strong>My Lush Life</strong></em>, I mention that during the war, I raised the doughboys' morale "unit by unit." Writing almost 60 years later, I was able to use the more-clearly dirty joke. Also, it says "The <em>True</em> Story of Trudy Kockenlocker." She's a fictional character; it's not a true story. That's just a flat-out lie.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Nuttin' But Hutton</strong><em> tells you something of Betty's life, like mentioning the four husbands (A piker. Dougie has established that I've had a </em><strong>MINIMUM</strong><em> of 10 husbands, possibly several more. He chronicles a newly rediscovered husband of mine in our new book, </em><strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tallyho-Tallulah-Douglas-McEwan/dp/0985846305/ref=tmm_pap_title_0">Tallyho, Tallulah!</a></strong><em>), and Betty's life's bizarre third act, where she spent years scrubbing floors and serving food and whatnot at a rectory, as a desciple of a Catholic priest. She'd always allowed men to control her, as did many women of her generation (though far from all of them), but at least studio heads employed her as a movie star and paid her handsomely. "Father Maguire" felt floor scrubbing and cooking was the best way to employ her talents. She had hard times, rehabs (A close friend of mine saw her onstage at Melodyland Theater in the 1960s in </em><strong>Annie Get Your Gun</strong><em> and said she had massive problems remembering her lines), and politcally she was a big ole Republican who worshipped at the alter of Ronald Reagan. But the show isn't really that much about her. It's an excuse for Diane Vincent to tear into Betty's comedy songs and knock them out of the park.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, these are not the Village People. The chorus guys ranged across this photo are the "Doctor, Lawyer, and Indian Chief." I was amused when seeing the show to note that the "Doctor" is wearing rubber dishwashing gloves, not latex surgical gloves.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Wisely, Diane makes no attempt whatever to impersonate Betty Hutton. There's really more Lucy Ricardo in her renditions than Betty Hutton, though a Lucy who can sing, which all survivors of </em><strong>Mame</strong><em> screenings know was not among Miss Ball's many, many talents. Diane is the real deal. She's not imitating comedy up there, she is a genuine comedy talent. And the energy! She sings more than 20 numbers, not little excerpts or medlies, full out, full-length, singing, dancing, clowning renditions of legendary brassy comedy songs like</em> <strong>Rumble, Rumble, Rumble</strong><em> and </em><strong>Hamlet</strong><em>. The choreography is excellent, and on the nose right for the songs' periods. The chorus guys are not likely to draw much attention away from her, but they execute the choreography perfectly, and in the rare song without Diane, while she's off changing her outfits (Which she does at least once onstage) or just, I would think, collapsing with exhaustion, their vocal blend is delicious to hear. And little Justin Jones (The "Indian" above) does a cute ventriloquist bit that is very funny. The vocal work, dancing, and music playing in the show is all top-notch professional work. The pit band (actually they're on a balcony above the stage) is led by the show's co-writer, Diane's husband, Sam Kriger, and he's done a first-rate job of whipping this show into shape musically, and seeing that all its techncial i's are dotted and t's are crossed.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>But we waited until halfway through the run to see it, and then I was too lazy to get this review up sooner. There's only two weeks left. It closes on April 28. So off your butts. Go see Diane's take on Betty's songs. You'll have a grand time. You can get tickets </em><a href="http://www.nuttinbuthutton.com/Nuttin_But_Hutton/Home.html"><strong>here</strong></a><em>.</em></span><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;">Oh hell, here's another Larry Vincent comedy song, just because we love and miss him:</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Cheers, darlings. (Buy my new book!)</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I barge up onstage to "help out" only to find the liquor onstage was only cold tea. I detest show busness sham!</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-60798832140296662492013-02-25T06:57:00.000-08:002013-02-25T14:27:09.603-08:00Miserable Moments With Mr. Lincoln Eating Humble Pi.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrESy_d-xiumNhasxKNYyLoIiDnvWrZy7EkC0Yl_NsjtJjukC9X21C70e8U1C5Hm1zUgglkh7qFJkOytkBrrbnn60yVzq1Cgov-VjnUXx8t_VIvadXxEZiN7d0rTXhJicYbaDRrUGiSFl6/s1600/seth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="328" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrESy_d-xiumNhasxKNYyLoIiDnvWrZy7EkC0Yl_NsjtJjukC9X21C70e8U1C5Hm1zUgglkh7qFJkOytkBrrbnn60yVzq1Cgov-VjnUXx8t_VIvadXxEZiN7d0rTXhJicYbaDRrUGiSFl6/s400/seth.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, at least he's not Jimmy Kimmel.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>There’s no way around this fact: the 2013 Oscars were weird.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Seth McFarland said he honestly could not believe that he was there. No could, Seth, no one.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The Oscars have a "Theme" this year? What is this? The Rose Parade? This year’s theme was "Music in Film." What will next year’s be? "Progress Through Advancement"? "Vegetables: the Entré’s Poor Relations"? "Semi-Universal Brotherhood"? "Victory Through Airpower"?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The reason almost no one laughed at the idea of Ron Jeremy being offered the Oscar Host gig (which is a pretty funny idea) wasn’t that no one there knew who he is; it’s that no one there would </em><strong>admit</strong><em> they know who he is.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Could Jean Dujardin be any more gorgeous? I don’t see how.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>You know, many of Seth’s jokes were funny and yet failed to land. It’s the smugness. His smirky smugness makes you want to punch him, not laugh with him. "I’m told it’s okay for Quentin Tarantino to use [the n-word] because he thinks he’s black" is a </em><strong>terrific</strong><em> joke. It fell with a thud, and provoked not even a single mild titter in the entire audience. Seth is so amused by his own jokes before he even tells them that no one feels like laughing afterwards. On </em><strong>SNL</strong><em> and again here, he’s proved to be a disaster as a host.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Captain Kirk asking "Why can’t Tina and Amy host every show?" was supposed to be a joke, but frankly, it’s no joke. They should.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Why does Captain Kirk look 20 years older than he did when he died in </em><strong>Star Trek: Generations</strong><em>?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The Gay Men’s Chorus singing about lady’s boobs? What’s next? Mel Gibson judging on </em><strong>RuPaul’s Drag Race</strong><em>? Did they know what the song was about, or were they singing it the way they would sing a song written in </em><strong>Latin</strong><em>? Did the Superbowl halftime show include a "Guess Which Player’s Package This Is" quiz where they projected close-ups of the player’s crotches in wet jockstraps while gay football fans (all 3 of them) try to guess whose junk is whom?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Seth, you are not Steve Martin, you’re not Fred Astaire, and you’re not Lenny Bruce, but you may be turning into the American Ricky Gervais. (Three years ago, that was a compliment. This is not three years ago.) </em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Best Supporting Actor was a hell of a category. All five nominees already have Oscars. Was Tommy Lee Jones up for Best Supporting Toupee?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>With his now-second Oscar, do you think Christophe Waltz could afford to buy an "r" for his first name?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy joking about how their phones are not ringing with job offers, when they are both working non-stop, and her movie is in its second week at #1, must have played as downright hilarious to the thousands of actually-unemployed actors watching at home.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Not one of the nominees for Best Animated Feature were traditional hand-drawn animation. Am I the last person in the world who loves hand-drawn animation? The award went to </em><strong>Brave</strong><em>. Yawn. I’d have preferred </em><strong>Frankenweenie</strong><em>, but I’m just that type of person.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So Mark Andrews, who directed </em><strong>Brave</strong><em>, "just happened" to be wearing a dress? He didn’t know he was going to the Oscars? Did he dress in the dark and accidentally put on his wife’s clothes? (Look, Little Dougie is Scottish, and is mildly unembarrassed to be descended from a proud race of transvestites.) Mark mentioned his wife and four kids, which is understandable when accepting an award on international TV in drag.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So why wasn’t the tiger in </em><strong>Life of Poi</strong><em> nominated for Best Performance by a Big Pussy? They nominated that little Wallis girl. (Who is also CGI.)</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>How does Claudio Miranda, winner of Best Cinematographer for</em> <strong>The Life of Cake</strong><em>, see well enough to light and photograph a movie with his blanket of hair in his face? If he took off 50 pounds I’d have thought he was Ann Coulter. (Claudio, it turns out, is not into completing his sentences. His speech consisted of a rambling stack of half-sentences, all abandoned mid-clause.)</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Someone tell me, because I’m too lazy to Google it: is Claudio Miranda the first person to win a Cinematography Oscar for photographing a 3-D movie?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><strong>Life of Pudding</strong></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> won Best Special Effects over </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em>? They stuck Siegfried & Roy’s act adrift (good idea) and stirred in a lot of religious faith bullshit and psychedelic imagery that would have gone over great in front of a 1968 LSD-besotted audience of hippies, and that trumps bringing Tolkien’s gigantic fantasy world to life in 48 fps 3-D so well you felt you could touch it? Not to me. They made a fake tiger. I’m impressed. Where’s their army of goblins? Where’s their Smaug the Dragon? Where are the mines of Moria or Rivendell? Where are the armies of Mordor?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>At least they admitted that most of what you saw in </em><strong>Life of Equals Sign</strong><em> (Assuming you were one of the ten or twenty folks who saw it) was "fake" That sort of nullifies its Cinematography award. "Gee, he really transferred those images directly off the computer onto film well." </em><strong>Shouldn’t Life of Infinity </strong></span><span style="color: purple;"><em>have been Nominated for Best Animated Feature? Or was it afraid of taking on </em><strong>Frankenweeie</strong><em>?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Wow! The effects team for </em><strong>Life of Cherry Tarts</strong><em> received the strictest "play-off" I’ve ever seen. When Bill Westenhofer simply would not stop talking, but just got louder and louder, they sent the shark from </em><strong>Jaws</strong><em> to eat his voice! They cut his mike off just as soon as he mentioned co-workers in "Financial Difficulties." Can’t have any reminders that not everyone in Hollywood is rich and successful spoiling the evening.</em> <b>Eat his tongue!</b></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwLXzim5YGkpabMCufj0mQFKhrRmtBXE2JQTKoFUWZRC2yyl_hg3UKwliA0Rpd6rHnD4a7EZTlKJF65v84y-vHrOfiZB9BdDib1ZdkQ6zpL6NjrMS7kNXlnQBMET35kcfcm6cG5xrK8X9n/s1600/Jaws.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwLXzim5YGkpabMCufj0mQFKhrRmtBXE2JQTKoFUWZRC2yyl_hg3UKwliA0Rpd6rHnD4a7EZTlKJF65v84y-vHrOfiZB9BdDib1ZdkQ6zpL6NjrMS7kNXlnQBMET35kcfcm6cG5xrK8X9n/s400/Jaws.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"<em><strong>GET OFF THE STAGE, BLABBERMOUTH!</strong></em>"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Channing Tatum presenting Best Costumes? That’s ironic. The man should not be allowed to wear costumes, or anything at all.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Just once I’d like to see a contemporary-set film nominated for Best Costumes. It went to </em><strong>Anna Karanina</strong><em>. Well, I must admit, Garbo did look stunning in that movie, but what took them 78 years to get their award out?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><strong><em>Les Misérables</em></strong></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> won Best Make Up over </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em>? Hello? All they did was make everyone look filthy, and give a few of them horrific haircuts. Let me tell you, I know Barry Humphries, and he looks nothing like a giant goblin. And many of those dwarves, in real life, are not repulsive! Well, the guy who played Kili anyway.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeewpyrxoqM-MrXW407l7uPd04z7gueETVWSYkb7vTFrNW9oaUtkPNkkHbFSsTos0DQVjsL28AEQnhBwxNcbcjYObuE2rUE9Q7tMAqjj4PX-e5zEQVWwrSkpo7PXe0_6-L6wMrelP5zJe4/s1600/Barry+delighted+CBE.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeewpyrxoqM-MrXW407l7uPd04z7gueETVWSYkb7vTFrNW9oaUtkPNkkHbFSsTos0DQVjsL28AEQnhBwxNcbcjYObuE2rUE9Q7tMAqjj4PX-e5zEQVWwrSkpo7PXe0_6-L6wMrelP5zJe4/s400/Barry+delighted+CBE.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry Humphires in character make up.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCc0tNuvTvuZ13S-9rDOo4xpNMcD-nix6CuFBGkNXhPwdJPh_UEE6SYZPBX58tRZpicg8Q0rwuoi7ERGJHd9kFGbVDg7iXv83hGBDsNfBHOaeM3xQiueDrkaXOt017v2Pd5ImSDG5sonvq/s1600/Barry's+Great+Goblin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCc0tNuvTvuZ13S-9rDOo4xpNMcD-nix6CuFBGkNXhPwdJPh_UEE6SYZPBX58tRZpicg8Q0rwuoi7ERGJHd9kFGbVDg7iXv83hGBDsNfBHOaeM3xQiueDrkaXOt017v2Pd5ImSDG5sonvq/s400/Barry's+Great+Goblin.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry Humphries au natural.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So far, Spielberg’s </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> sweep has been riveting!</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Hallie Berry introducing the Bond tribute? How about a </em><strong>real</strong><em> Bond girl, like my friend, the divine </em></span><span style="color: purple;"><em>Martine Beswick?</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBxW4t_Fw4o8UN6B7O2xuSvXKCy2pSyzenl9tCAZwYt5Lm9ZJlBf5cO3dIDs2jnQzwiXbT9lciwicXs6mF6WLuo5D7HQ524sSGZXtpQyOyexdBwDBcNxE1_JBHVA_XOH5XNbJKXKBQH5oX/s1600/Doug+and+Martine.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBxW4t_Fw4o8UN6B7O2xuSvXKCy2pSyzenl9tCAZwYt5Lm9ZJlBf5cO3dIDs2jnQzwiXbT9lciwicXs6mF6WLuo5D7HQ524sSGZXtpQyOyexdBwDBcNxE1_JBHVA_XOH5XNbJKXKBQH5oX/s640/Doug+and+Martine.jpg" width="512" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Divine Martine Beswick, Bond Girl Extrodinaire, with<br />
Dougie, Little Dougie.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Hey! What happened to the reunion of all the James Bonds we were promised?</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOKiYZBMv_Lh_sc5C_nJk8IwhnoZkHPwKhXGaC0JxPE3nsmokogamT-xZgueBBM96X-FDrcDmiUhipOHGVRnb8SHWFEcJRTycGooAOXSEyk-Mbi7aAH2KDu0iWSluY7DkHVelMV8bVhIfl/s1600/Bonds+James+Bonds.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOKiYZBMv_Lh_sc5C_nJk8IwhnoZkHPwKhXGaC0JxPE3nsmokogamT-xZgueBBM96X-FDrcDmiUhipOHGVRnb8SHWFEcJRTycGooAOXSEyk-Mbi7aAH2KDu0iWSluY7DkHVelMV8bVhIfl/s400/Bonds+James+Bonds.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sir Sean, George, Rog, Tim, Pierce, and Danny. Give me the bookends; you can have the others.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Even though Dame Shirley Bassey was severely out of voice, and did not sing </em><strong>Goldfinger</strong><em> anywhere near as well as her classic soundtrack recording of it from almost 50 years ago, nonetheless, I got chills when she came on and began to sing. And she found some of the old magic for her last big note.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqJ6xRIFQFj2jdruQ14r9tVV9rrbI-aw-r-fprvBqdXA7fvqmyFp1pJ3WYxMcCQ2T2uCUGZiXqvVKu_Ni1wJ4snKfz4Su6zs7Kalh6msJYuCJVMj6poNFZtblkBjhi00l317JpDnle98xP/s1600/Bond+James+Bond.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqJ6xRIFQFj2jdruQ14r9tVV9rrbI-aw-r-fprvBqdXA7fvqmyFp1pJ3WYxMcCQ2T2uCUGZiXqvVKu_Ni1wJ4snKfz4Su6zs7Kalh6msJYuCJVMj6poNFZtblkBjhi00l317JpDnle98xP/s400/Bond+James+Bond.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Bond, James Bond." Sir Sean creates the icon.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The presenters for Best Short Subjects tried to tell us Spielberg started in short subjects. Spielberg started in TV. His 8mm juvenilia doesn’t count.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Seth apparently thought we would be surprised to learn that other actors had played Lincoln before, like we’ve never been to Disneyland. I remember having lunch in the Polo Lounge once, back in 1975, and seeing Raymond Massey walk in, slowly and majestically. He looked so much like the real Abe Lincoln had arrived for lunch, I found myself looking about for his Secret Service detail. (You’d think they’d learn.) Part of the effect came from the fact that Massey looked old enough to be the real Lincoln.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>The orchestra is a mile away? Hello? Why? Were they bad? Boy, they must be playing </em><b>LOUD!</b></span><span style="color: purple;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Maybe that’s why Catherine Zita-Jones Douglas sang her song from </em><strong>Chicago</strong><em> flat. The number had nothing to do with handing out awards and only added to the running time, but it’s hard to complain about three minutes of actual entertainment, even if it was flat.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I could have done without Jennifer "I’m Sorry My Gay Fans Are All Going to Hell; It’s Not My Fault; I Don’t Make The Rules; God Does" Hudson shrieking that painfully overdone </em><strong>American Idol</strong><em> audition number at me. I could do without her on </em><strong>Smash</strong><em> also.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>After Catherine’s slightly-off-key song and Jennifer Hudson screaming banalities at us, what a relief and joy it was to have Hugh Jackman walk out on stage (Okay, Hugh Jackman walking out on stage any where, any time, is a joy), singing a good song simply and beautifully. That it grew into</em> <strong>Les Miz</strong><em>’s wonderful Act I finale only added to what was turning into a momentary evening highlight.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Well, it took balls for Russell Crowe to "sing" live on The Oscars. If only he could sing. They "compressed" the number a bit for time constraints (They needed more time for Seth’s jokes to bomb), which necessitated having Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham-Carter-Burton-LeStrange sing at the same time as Crowe rather than after, as in the full arrangement of the song. This helped to disguise the fact that none of that trio has any business singing anywhere but their own shower, and </em><b>ONLY</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> when showering alone.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Admittedly, live-mixing the sound on a complex number like that is tricky, which is why we heard way too much Russell Crowe (That would be any Russell Crowe) in the song’s final build. The wisest thing the sound mixer could have done would have been never to turn on Russell’s mike in the first place.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>It was now clear that by "A Tribute to Film Music," they actually meant "A Tribute to John Williams’s Screen Music," as it was one John Williams cue after another. Hey Academy, ever hear of Max Steiner or Franz Waxman or Bernard Herrmann?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Gee, they had both Captain Kirks, the new one and the old, old one, on the show.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The teddy bear from </em><strong>Ted</strong><em> is just Seth McFarland’s voice over a bit of animation. Hardly seemed worth the effort. He’s standing right there, and his jokes still aren’t getting laughs.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Mark Whalberg looked crestfallen to announce a tie. Yes, Mark, how awful that more people get Oscars rather than fewer.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Why is it that every time I see Christophe (What’s good for the Nazi, is good for the guy who escaped the Nazis with his dreary singing moppets) Plummer, it seems like an ever-bigger pleasure? Is it the rising awareness of how few great performances we have left coming from him? Love you, Chris.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>In Sally Fields’s "comedy" bit with Seth at the beginning of the show, about a year ago, she did a couple jokes that acknowledged that Anne Hathaway was going to beat her for their Oscar. If only she’d said: "Because they like her, they really, really like her." Anne was, needless to say, the least-surprising winner of the evening, save one.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Anne was trying to be classy, but an unfortunate accident of staging and angle as she expressed respect for the women she’d just trounced, caused her to say "I look up to you all so much," as she looked </em><strong>DOWN</strong></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> at them in the audience below her. I confess I giggled.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>They seated some of the nominees this year in the stage boxes, but not Daniel Day-Lewis. They didn’t want to risk putting Abe Lincoln in a stage box again with so many actors on the premises. There was an ugly incident about 148 years ago.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Okay, there were three measures of Bernard Herrmann music when the wife of that </em><strong>American Idol</strong><em> judge came out.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>What the hell is wrong with Kristen Stewart, apart from her taste in movie roles and men? She limped out like she’d been shot in the foot, her hair was a rat’s nest (Really, it looked as bad as Mitzi Shore’s hair), she had apparently been made up by a blind raccoon in the dark, and she stood in an awkward posture, and grunted loudly while Harry Potter read nominees. I thought they were setting up some lame comedy banter "bit," but no; it turned out she was trying to hide crutches behind her back. Apparently she injured herself when she fell out of public favor when it came out that she was a huge slut, even for Hollywood, and I speak as a huge slut myself. (And I've always had sense enough to use liquor as a crutch.) So it wasn't just her being graceless and sullen while upstaging the only actor of her generation whose movies have made more money than hers. She did not have to go to the bathroom, nor were the drugs wearing off early. What is the appeal of this ratbag? Admirable young Mr. Radcliffe deserved better than to have to present an award with Cedric Diggory’s hand-me-downs.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>They gave the Production Design Award to </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em>? Hello? I’m sure it recreated the Civil War nicely, and didn’t just use leftovers from </em><strong>Gone With The Wind, Gore Vidal’s Lincoln</strong><em>, and </em><strong>Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter</strong><em>, but in </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em> an entire world had to be created from scratch. It’s a vastly larger achievement. No wonder the winner was unprepared to speak. He never expected to win. (The cutaway shot during his speech to William Shatner asleep in his seat broke me up.)</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Why was</em> <strong>Life of Lemon Meringue</strong><em> even nominated for Production Design? All there was to design was a small boat, a large kitty and the ocean. That must have taken the better part of an hour.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Selma Hayek’s outfit was trying to strangle her. Don’t blame it a bit. She was announcing the "Not-Important-Enough-To-Be-Awarded-On-TV" awards. Since when is the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award swept off the TV awards? Has even Hollywood been so infected by the Ayn Rand craze among the Teabaggers that they’ve become embarrassed by philanthropy? Will it become "The Ayn Rand Sucker Award for Entitling The Largest Number of ‘Parasites’"?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>It was nice that they included Herbert Lom and Ray Bradbury in the Dead Folks montage. Then they brought out Babs, to remind us that Death has an upside. (One can’t help wondering if Babs agreed to sing on the show just to show Dame Shirley Bassey that she, Babs, still has all her chops intact.) I’m no fan of Babs, but her singing Marvin’s song, and doing it so simply and so well, was a sweet moment, even if it made Marvin’s death look like the Academy considered him a greater loss than, well, Ray Bradbury, or Richard Zanuck, or Charles Durning, or even Robert B. Sherman and Hal David, both of whom made a fair penny with their ditties also.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>When you've got a movie that pushes that most pernicious of human follies, Faith, you expect to hear blather like "A movie which transcends religion." Give me a movie that refutes religion, thank you. So I was unsurprised when that very blather came from Michael Danna as he accepted Best Score for</em> <strong>Life of Pa</strong><em>. Consequently, when he pointed upward as he thanked "My mom, who’s ..." I was waiting for "with God" as one earlier winner had said of his dad (No, dear, he’s dead), or "In Heaven" or some other sort of magic thinking malarkey, so when he finally finished his phrase with "...who’s ... in the balcony here watching," I was surprised into laughing. His Mom isn’t with God, she’s with the paupers. Good for her.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>It was starting to look like more of a </em><strong>Life of Pooh</strong><em> sweep than I - or Spielberg - ever expected. His smile was becoming more and more forced.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Two Oscars for </em><strong>Skyfall</strong><em>. It’s been 47 years since a Bond movie won Oscars. That’s a </em><strong>real</strong><em> tribute to Bond.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The reigning 007 reaches for his weapon.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Adele darling, we adore you and all, so I say this with love, just one word: salads. (Where does that thick, unintelligible, working class accent of hers go when she sings?)</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Was Charlize Theron on stilts or is Dustin Hoffman a hobbit?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Quentin Tarantino won the Original Screen-Writing award. I may vomit. I have no jokes to make about his speech because I fast-forwarded through it. I really can not stand that skin-crawly creep and his vastly-overpraised violence-porn trash films.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Tim Burton is doing commercials now? Tim darling, I know that neither </em><strong>Frankenweenie</strong><em> nor </em><strong>Dark Shadows</strong><em> did terribly well at the box office but come on, you can’t have spent all of that </em><strong>Alice in Wonderland</strong><em> money yet. For the record, I enjoyed both </em><strong>Dark Shadows</strong><em> and </em><strong>Frankenweenie</strong><em>. Not loved (Like I loved the original </em><strong>Frankenweenie</strong><em> live-action short subject), but liked. I didn’t want my money back either time, which is more than I can say for Spielberg’s </em><strong>Hook</strong><em>. (Two decades have passed, and I </em><b>still</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> want my money and the 150 minutes of my life spent on </em><strong>Hook</strong><em> back!) I’d take Burton’s worst over Tarantino’s best any day. (Though Tim still has penance to serve for what he did to </em><strong>Sweeney Todd</strong><em>.)</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Jane Fonda, who is 300, looked stunning. As she walked out, you could hear Teabaggers and right-wingers changing channels all across America.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Well, between the way the evening had been going and the fact that neither Tom Hooper nor Ben Affleck were even nominated (A fact that grew more and more embarrassing as the evening went along and</em> <strong>Les Misérables</strong><em> and </em><strong>Argo</strong><em> piled up awards while </em><strong>Silver Linings Playbook</strong><em> won only one, and </em><strong>Beasts of the Southern Wild</strong><em> was conspicuous by its not winning anything at all, in a year when a James Bond movie won two!), Ang Lee’s win for </em><strong>Life of Pu</strong><em> surprised no one but Spielberg, who may have spent more on his </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> Oscar campaigns than he did on the film itself, and the movie was pricey. Thank Hollywood Tarantino wasn’t nominated.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Someone tell me, as I’m too lazy to Google it (or write a truly fresh sentence about it), but is Ang Lee the first person to win an Oscar for directing a 3-D movie?</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Did they give Ang Lee this Oscar because, after winning for</em> <strong>Brokeback Mountain</strong><em>, at least this movie was about a boy learning to like and get along with a pussy?</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>You know, there’s something very cruel about dangling an Oscar before a 9 year-old child that she hasn't a chance in Hell of winning. Yes, we all need to learn to deal with disappointment and failure as we grow up, but having to deal with losing an Oscar at 9 is a bit more harsh than losing a little league game.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple;"><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Seth introduces the overwhelmingly-charming, astronomically-gorgeous Jean Dujardin (The way the evening had been going, I caught myself almost saying "Jean Valjean"), he strolls out, my legs go all rubbery, and they cut to Kristen Stewart, who looked bored to the point of rudeness, and impatient to get back to whatever crackhouse she appears to have just crawled out of. I’ve woken up in gutters from a three-month-long drunken binge looking better than she did last night</span>.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Kristen Stewart finally cheers up a bit at last night's Oscars.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I wonder how Jean Dujardin, a genuine Frenchman, felt all evening long as several honors were given to a movie in which France is shown to be entirely populated by Australians and Britons.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY7AxRdeACg_UtADVWplqUndhiX53W8K2mCU2MItU73QX5RWInli7ZGNJEhtcl3G90fHpd9RJXTEUGFm9WmoNZwgkJw25vP3crf-b6MtJRRkdPwQX7OqXtqu-Sc5cxQNwm9y7YNVQ5l8IF/s1600/Jean+bearded.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgY7AxRdeACg_UtADVWplqUndhiX53W8K2mCU2MItU73QX5RWInli7ZGNJEhtcl3G90fHpd9RJXTEUGFm9WmoNZwgkJw25vP3crf-b6MtJRRkdPwQX7OqXtqu-Sc5cxQNwm9y7YNVQ5l8IF/s640/Jean+bearded.jpg" width="448" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">If he got any more gorgeous,I'd explode.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I’ve watched a number of Jean Dujardin films over the last year, since falling in love with him in </em><strong>The Artist</strong><em>: the hilarious spy spoofs </em><strong>OSS-117: Cairo, Nest of Spies</strong><em> and </em><strong>OSS-117: Lost in Rio</strong><em> (These are </em><strong>really</strong><em> funny movies. Trust me. See them. You’ll thank me), his oddball western comedy, </em><strong>Lucky Luke</strong><em>, and especially his bizarre, goofy and unique non-surfer surf comedy </em><strong>Brice de Nice</strong></span><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> (A very odd movie, but very, very funny), and even after all that Dujardin worship, his Best Actress presentation speech was still the most English I’ve ever heard</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> out of him. I hope he’s learning English fast, because I want to start seeing him in movies without subtitles. He is terrific.</span></em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8jm7I7psV4V5_-e2JFkF6XKrJA_Ba__xqZ_wk3jBYpaGWUASVul1qOglfv7t7ujdyAAfDdolnjoPqrqXO0CwKxgQINJUNOHJCcRrQM22epNV72w6e6LVztOfmTH_ZQAtZnrSJr_3lDJX/s1600/Brice+de+Nice.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEha8jm7I7psV4V5_-e2JFkF6XKrJA_Ba__xqZ_wk3jBYpaGWUASVul1qOglfv7t7ujdyAAfDdolnjoPqrqXO0CwKxgQINJUNOHJCcRrQM22epNV72w6e6LVztOfmTH_ZQAtZnrSJr_3lDJX/s640/Brice+de+Nice.jpg" width="450" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This movie is highly peculiar, but funny.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Let me get this straight, Jennifer Lawrence starred in </em><strong>The Hunger Games</strong><em>, which was, among other things, a grueling physical ordeal involving lots of dangerous stunt work, but she can’t walk up on stage without falling on her face? There goes her image. The first actress in history to need a stunt double to collect her Oscar. (To be fair, she might just have fainted, which is understandable, given she was getting closer to Jean Dujardin, and also to the lesser experience of winning an Oscar. Dujardin could make me faint easily. In fact, on viewing the replay, I think she fell on her face deliberately just so Jean Dujardin would run over and rescue her, as he did. Smart girl.)</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jennifer Lawrence goes down for Jean Dujardin. Who can blame her?</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>At least Best Actress didn’t go to Jessica Chastain (whom I thought would win it) for the "Torture Works" movie.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Daniel Day-Lewis won for playing Abe Lincoln, something a robot could do, in the process becoming the first actor with three Best Actor Oscars. That was the first sentence I wrote for this piece, hours and hours ago, so I’ve come full-circle. That’ll show Raymond Massey. He was merely nominated for playing Abe Lincoln. (Not that Fredric March won anything for his Jean Valjean, even a nomination. But then, he didn’t sing.) Meanwhile, Tom Hanks, with his paltry two Best Actor Oscars, is understudying the role of John Wilkes Booth. Meryl Streep merely said: "Men! Aren't they silly?"</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih5RCO-_khaj2DGUb7rhXPuv7Yg7wrRlNfyZJXDR6ZfbRcjh3D-vOEIutnISF0XDydhlOHtWtQJ7q9hrKwa5qiuM_bH25tYz9oKll6d8aUvxZpsAuKfzn9yjAOL0-hKLIlHT4ZSL9_xzx4/s1600/Disney's+Lincoln.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih5RCO-_khaj2DGUb7rhXPuv7Yg7wrRlNfyZJXDR6ZfbRcjh3D-vOEIutnISF0XDydhlOHtWtQJ7q9hrKwa5qiuM_bH25tYz9oKll6d8aUvxZpsAuKfzn9yjAOL0-hKLIlHT4ZSL9_xzx4/s400/Disney's+Lincoln.bmp" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spielberg's Lincoln, Gore Vidal's Lincoln, or Disney's Lincoln?</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>So Daniel Day-Lewis ended up being the funniest speaker all evening. How embarrassing for Seth. (And for me. I had to go back and remove a "Spielberg doing </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> as a musical" joke I had already put in earlier in this review. </em><b>DOH!</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> Thanks a lot, Danny boy!)</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Seth felt Meryl Streep required no introduction (True), but Jack Nicholson needed a long list of his credits? Well then, why did Seth omit </em><strong>The Raven</strong><em>, with Jack Nicholson, Boris Karloff, Vincen</em></span><span style="color: purple;"><em>t Price and Peter Lorre? Now </em><strong>those</strong><em> are </em><b>stars!</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> In fact, I was married to at least one of them, maybe more.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg09lffR0hj8Cp3iOYRFKvb4VGT21UCinRJK-X5PW1SAZ-Y_GlJcMh3jB1KI02fp09CNdq0EEy7ku-W8g7xQyGikZqer1JQdEj_mb9joZw5fhhkBv6GNLO_xGVtB8BGeo18DhA-lo6lDr6N/s1600/Jack+Raven.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="323" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg09lffR0hj8Cp3iOYRFKvb4VGT21UCinRJK-X5PW1SAZ-Y_GlJcMh3jB1KI02fp09CNdq0EEy7ku-W8g7xQyGikZqer1JQdEj_mb9joZw5fhhkBv6GNLO_xGVtB8BGeo18DhA-lo6lDr6N/s400/Jack+Raven.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jack could be learning acting from Peter Lorre and Vincent Price, but there's a woman in the room, so he's a bit distracted.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Boy, the White House Oscar Party looks like a bunch of overdressed stiffs. Who were those Gilbert & Sullivan Lesbian Major-Generals standing behind Mrs. Obama? I thought we’d stumbled onto a Fire Island production of </em><strong>H.M.S. Pinafore</strong><em>. Well, at that point, the show had only run overtime by 24 minutes, so they needed more pointless filler before everyone could hit the bar.</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>They did not trust the First Lady of the United States of America with The Envelope until the last second? The woman knows state secrets. I’ve seen them give those envelopes to Andy Dick and Robert Blake.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><strong>Argo</strong></span><span style="color: purple;"><em>. So the Best Picture was directed in such a lousy manner that its director wasn’t even nominated. Weird year, to put it mildly.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim5Lx80jWbvFIuoLSFn2Gw-eYEUu8G448OTIpvjBAEgvu46Kxw3Yr3r6boEkMJ9YogswAlijmbcGlY2uvSVxBO0QizxqUYtw70GJgE70kWxR5nQE_k93WuZCqFGy8rpT4pboSlz0DMplTi/s1600/benaffleck2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" gsa="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEim5Lx80jWbvFIuoLSFn2Gw-eYEUu8G448OTIpvjBAEgvu46Kxw3Yr3r6boEkMJ9YogswAlijmbcGlY2uvSVxBO0QizxqUYtw70GJgE70kWxR5nQE_k93WuZCqFGy8rpT4pboSlz0DMplTi/s400/benaffleck2.jpg" width="398" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The crappy director of the Best Picture.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>On The Emmys as hosted by Neal Patrick Harris (to inexplicable overpraise), they’ve instituted a monumentally bad idea, finales. For some reason they've stuck in a funny song after the last award two years running, unseen by millions of viewers in the bathroom, the kitchen and the bar, and The Emmys only tend to run four or five minutes over. This year The Oscars picked up on this monumentally terrible idea and upped the "Bad Idea" anté by tacking on a finale to a show that had already run over by</em> <b>a full half hour</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em>, and then including in it that odious Chenowith creature, whom I guess got out of her evil church early enough to get to the theater.</em> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Pay attention, Award show producers. After three and a half hours of bloated blather and butt-kissing, all </em><b>ANYONE</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> wants is to hit the bar, the winners to celebrate, the losers to drown their sorrows (Quvenzhane Wallis had finished every last drop in her hip flask and needed some more vodka </em><b>NOW!</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em>), and the neutral parties to start having some fun. </em><b>NO ONE</b></span><span style="color: purple;"><em> wants another 5 minutes in their seats while Seth and The Chenowith Creature indulge themselves. Just say "Thank you and good night," and then shut up and go away!</em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So what did we learn from this year’s Oscars? Well, after looking at Hugh Jackman, Ben Affleck, George Clooney, Jean Dujardin and Abe Lincoln, beards are back! It used to be that the beards at the Oscars all wore dresses and wedding rings. No wonder Little Dougie has stopped shaving.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Cheers, darlings.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Want some more Tallulah to read? Buy a copy of her new book, <i><strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tallyho-Tallulah-Douglas-McEwan/dp/0985846305/ref=tmm_pap_title_0">Tallyho, Tallulah!</a></strong></i> You’ll laugh a lot more than you did at Seth!</span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-88031462892081052002013-02-18T02:21:00.001-08:002013-02-18T14:52:14.765-08:0079 Reasons For Joy.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>February 17 (Which I realize ended even as I dictated this to Little Dougie. Well, I was out celebrating) is my favorite holiday, as it is Barry Humphries's birthday. Barry is the funniest man alive, and we hope he stays alive for many more years to come. Today he hit age 79, the age I was way back in 1976.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dame Edna, Sir Les Patterson and Sandy Stone in Barry's final stage tour show.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Barry is an artist, a writer, a memoirist, a novelist, a Dadaist, an actor, and a genius, but he's best known as a comedian who works in characters, his best known trio being Dame Edna Everage, Sir Les Patterson and his own favorite character, Sandy Stone. How much sadder a world this would have been without Dame Edna.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry as "Envy" in <em>Bedazzled</em>. "Look at the table <em><strong>HE'S</strong></em> got."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>One medium Barry is not as well known in as his stage and TV work is the motion picture, my specialty. But he has done films. He made his film debut in </em><strong>Bedazzled</strong><em>, with Dudley Moore and Barry's great friend and mentor, Peter Cook. Barry played "Envy," and his role, though small, was hilarious.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>He's made many a movie since, sometimes doing small cameos as Dame Edna, sometimes playing small straight roles, like his role as the stage director in </em><strong>The Leading Man</strong><em>, a fine Hitchcockesque thriller set in the world of London's West End theatre starring Jon Bon Jovi, or his role as Maeterlinck in </em><strong>Immortal Beloved</strong><em>. And sometimes his roles can be bizarre indeed, such as his very large and important role as the blind - or is he? - TV presenter in </em><strong>Shock Treatment</strong><em>, the miserable sequel to </em><strong>The Rocky Horror Picture Show</strong><em>. More recently, Barry was the voice of Bruce the shark in </em><strong>Finding Nemo</strong><em>, which has resulted in Barry now being a voice on a Disneyland ride.</em></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Little Dougie has this same great poster on his living room wall.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>But from time to time he's tried really doing his characters in a film built by him for them. There were his two Barry MacKenzie films, based on a 1960s British comic strip that </em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Barry used to write, and then there was the ambitious, funny and disastrous </em><strong>Les Patterson Saves the World</strong><em>, in which Sir Les accidentally farts near a cigarette lighter as he addresses the UN General Assembly, and inadvertently sets fire to an Arab ambassador and causes an international incident. Barry plays both Sir Les and Dame Edna in this film, though the "Madge Allsop" in it is not the wonderful Madge we remember being played by the delightful Emily Perry. Barry only met Emily for the first time a few months after shooting the film. </em></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Little Dougie with Emily Perry, 20 years ago, in her dressing room, which had been Gracie Allen's dressing room back in the 1950s. Comedy Holy Ground.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Les Patterson Saves the World</strong><em> was a huge box office and critical disaster (It was never even released in the USA, and barely ran a week in England), but that was forgotten when, mere months later, he debuted his TV show, </em><strong>The Dame Edna Experience</strong><em>, a talk show so great and hilarious that the DVDs of episodes from 1987 still sell, even though most of the guests on it are all now dead.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The lower portion of Dougie's poster is, as you can see, signed to him by Edna, Les and Barry,</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Some of his roles are still more bizarre, like the weird idea to cast "Dame Edna" as Mrs. Crummles in a screen version of Charles Dickens's </em><strong>Nicholas Nickleby</strong><em>. He wasn't billed as himself but as Dame Edna, although his Mrs. Crummles neither looked nor sounded nor behaved anything like Dame Edna at all. Nathan Lane was utterly miscast as Vincent Crummles (Nathan comes across as about as British as Jean Dujardin), but how can you not love a movie that presents Barry Humphries and Nathan Lane as a married couple, tells Dickens's great story faithfully if - ah - speedily, and features a magnificent performance from Christopher Plummer? (Christopher Plummer giving a magnificent performance? How often does that happen? Oh right, Every time he acts in anything.)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Anyone want to see the Nathan Lane-Barry Humphries sex tape? Me neither.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em> And for bizarre, it will be hard even for Barry to top his performance as The Great Goblin in Peter Jackson's delightful </em><strong>The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey</strong><em>.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry as The Great Goblin. He sure looks different in 3-D and 48 fps than he does when you're just in a room talking with him.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The amazing part of Barry's performance as the CGI character The Great Goblin is that it is so clearly Barry. Look at that picture above. You can </em><strong>SEE</strong><em> that it's Barry, his eyes, his facial expressions, his acting. And he gets to sing a song, a charming little ditty titled "The Torture Song."</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry and his wife of 22 years, Lizzie Spender, at the world premiere of <em><strong>The Hobbit</strong></em>.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>No, Barry's gorgeous wife, whose father was Sir Stephen Spender, the former Poet Laureate of England, is not wearing one of Edna's hand-me-downs, but Edna might be able to squeeze into it. Barry recently took off a bit over 2 stone. Lizzie once told me that one nice thing about being married to Barry is having a husband who really knows just how uncomfortable wearing pantyhose is.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry proves that he's literally a bigger star even than Sir Ian McKellan.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Sadly, Barry's character died in the first film, but I'll probably go see the other two Hobbit movies when they come out anyway. <a href="http://www.tallulahmorehead.blogspot.com/2012/12/hobbit-forming-movies.html"><span style="color: blue;">I rather liked it</span></a>.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This picture was a present from Barry to Dougie. it lives in a frame on the wall above his TV.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>In the years I've known Little Dougie, I have, of course, introduced him to my many celebrity friends, but it was Dougie who introduced me to Barry. The photo below was taken the night they first met, at NBC in Burbank back in 1992. Barry, for reasons that defy understanding, actually likes Dougie, and has even been known to laugh at Dougie's jokes, which is more than I do.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Little Dougie and his friend Christy Kanen with Dame Edna in Burbank on Ash Wednesday, 1992. Christy is wearing Chevy Chase's name tag. (Chevy's real name is "Cornelius.")</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>That night was a great one. Imagine you're in a room with Chevy Chase, Robin Williams, George Hamilton, Ringo Starr, Rue McClanahan, Burgess Meredith, Kevin McCarthy, and Kim Basinger, and the only persons who really excite you are Dame Edna and Madge Allsop!</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOCHDs5uRCUxz-e5lnVITv-iwrVoBt9rC45oZs92Ew_nh3mF0UhYPBB8HU2EooWSRiQW21rC1uf59SoROku2gGdSaoZ1YusBBGIUYZbE9sxqEIC1VutGg8Nukb5m5sXzC98oDmuDyGsECl/s1600/Edna+1st+sig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOCHDs5uRCUxz-e5lnVITv-iwrVoBt9rC45oZs92Ew_nh3mF0UhYPBB8HU2EooWSRiQW21rC1uf59SoROku2gGdSaoZ1YusBBGIUYZbE9sxqEIC1VutGg8Nukb5m5sXzC98oDmuDyGsECl/s640/Edna+1st+sig.jpg" uea="true" width="420" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the first page of the book Dougie is holding in the photo above, Edna's autobiography.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Dougie and I are both heavily addicted to seeing Barry work live. This is the scariest thing about Barry nearing his 80s. He's great on TV, wonderful in books, but only at his very best live onstage. The tickets below are but a few of the many, many Edna tickets we've bought and enjoyed over the years.</em></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMk816KqPWouuCn7-6xgQsV-WDJFgL36DxXBMFPjYXGfzlxKbkGeJKzsw5RthfCtevC8Du67IaZuu7VPyavDgIxygFY5kKR7zjPtj0n49vrHCJSvJlrqZCtlANgBKGHQfwFIJ3ayLL1yvq/s1600/Edna+tickets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMk816KqPWouuCn7-6xgQsV-WDJFgL36DxXBMFPjYXGfzlxKbkGeJKzsw5RthfCtevC8Du67IaZuu7VPyavDgIxygFY5kKR7zjPtj0n49vrHCJSvJlrqZCtlANgBKGHQfwFIJ3ayLL1yvq/s400/Edna+tickets.jpg" uea="true" width="310" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The nicest gift Barry ever gave Little Dougie and I appears on the back cover of every copy of both of my books. In fact, you could show your respect for Barry's opinions by buying a copy of my new book, </em><strong><a href="http://www.electricnoggin.com/Tallyho.html">Tallyho, Tallulah!</a></strong><em> (Hey, a girl's gotta drink, and liquor may be quicker but it's still not free.)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg652oyKQ8O8XxsBQCUoFmkJswLax6pFbTRFGP9jec2Qr0zXmgfaUXS8C3dQG6f4eDHUsQTRsPgdmg-6JnwquhycilwFMQ2J9ecsH9xiN_L8mmwveWuZze9ShndCmORhwiSA_AWcYnXpdqL/s1600/Edna's+blurb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="253" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg652oyKQ8O8XxsBQCUoFmkJswLax6pFbTRFGP9jec2Qr0zXmgfaUXS8C3dQG6f4eDHUsQTRsPgdmg-6JnwquhycilwFMQ2J9ecsH9xiN_L8mmwveWuZze9ShndCmORhwiSA_AWcYnXpdqL/s400/Edna's+blurb.jpg" uea="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Edna seems to think Dougie wrote my book instead of me, but then, she thinks she wrote her book and not Barry.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>In America, over 23 years, Barry has gone from unknown to a household name. When you're a question on Jeopardy, you've arrived!</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'll take 'Towering Comic Geniuses' for $1000, Alex."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>In December, 2011, Barry appeared in an elaborate Christmas Panto in London. Little Dougie's first important show business mentor (and the co-dedicatee of </em><strong>Tallyho, Tallulah!</strong><em>) is named Dick Whittington, but this show was not about him.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj62eQHFJNcal8iVp5Vq032SUE-B3y6HkZBN9a93UMMN3NCd5D0FNFW5-5r4Ruds1I9NsJk85Qf4pEBwrR7n0kRwdqnHglUld2Q6f4L5gw_Nk2cswBG9JFJtJ1Z8no4yp0fPxBJQgVY838g/s1600/Dick+Whittington+program.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj62eQHFJNcal8iVp5Vq032SUE-B3y6HkZBN9a93UMMN3NCd5D0FNFW5-5r4Ruds1I9NsJk85Qf4pEBwrR7n0kRwdqnHglUld2Q6f4L5gw_Nk2cswBG9JFJtJ1Z8no4yp0fPxBJQgVY838g/s640/Dick+Whittington+program.jpg" uea="true" width="448" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The most-searing drama Tennessee Williams ever wrote.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>But this amazing theatrical career is ending. Barry has just ended his final Australian tour. He is booked to bring his final stage show to London's West End, and plans also to play Broadway, and then, that's it. If you have never seen him live onstage, sell the house if you have to, sell your kids, anything needed to get the money to go to New York or London to see the last-ever Barry Humphries stage show.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>But while we will shortly lose Barry as a live stage performer, he's </em><strong>ONLY</strong><em> retiring from the stage. He will continue to do TV, radio, write books, make recordings, and do pretty much everything else he does except tour in stage shows. And much as I wish he would do them forever, the fact is, I don't know how he's done it for so long. He just spent a year as a 78 year old man, touring Australia in a show where he played three or four different characters in the course of a night, singing, dancing, and mind you, solo shows, onstage the whole evening working at peak energy, eight shows a week. I get exhausted just watching him.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>He has been busy writing. Just 3 years ago he published </em><strong>Handling Edna</strong><em>, Barry's rip-the-lid-off expose of the "truth" about Dame Edna. It included the resolution of a mystery he set up in </em><strong>My Gorgeous Life</strong><em>, 20 years before. It's not available in America, so you'll need to order it from an English or Australian bookseller, but do so. It's hilarious.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ0uE1i067VcVnuCjLksnraOBE-71s8waCD79ptFAyNd5KhV2-LQSpKohyphenhyphenInzSomUdiqtNo7kpcLCi6mXUL9WiLhKqAzuONKCynYeIfOD8knp_x3RTHYpGpz8bVSh3bdGvYZgiWN6wvJ33/s1600/Edna+peruses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ0uE1i067VcVnuCjLksnraOBE-71s8waCD79ptFAyNd5KhV2-LQSpKohyphenhyphenInzSomUdiqtNo7kpcLCi6mXUL9WiLhKqAzuONKCynYeIfOD8knp_x3RTHYpGpz8bVSh3bdGvYZgiWN6wvJ33/s640/Edna+peruses.jpg" uea="true" width="480" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Edna's blurb on <em><strong>Handling Edna</strong></em> is less flattering than the one she wrote for my book.<br />
It just says: "I'm suing!"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Last year he revised and substantially enlarged his 1985 book </em><strong>The Traveller's Tool</strong><em> by Sir Les Patterson. It's obscene, disgusting, sexist and vile. Yup, it's unflaggingly hilarious from cover to cover. The blurbs on the original edition say: "Hundreds of pages of pure filth." Rex Ingrams, The Spectator, "A truly coarse series of observations," Sunday Telegraph, "Painfully funny but very filthy," Northern Echo.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj35W0CkTGS80lwmo5P1juHV38GeryMa0JS_kp2_U1Ze94pvPQO2pE9tOYiU_Be0rveEIzAkdAe6U0-qOcTwEaUqUwaAiMyGia5FBFU8xKDm-boHq5aSP4iYX17nTBQOT0ZkDt62mtMZYaj/s1600/Traveller's+Tool.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj35W0CkTGS80lwmo5P1juHV38GeryMa0JS_kp2_U1Ze94pvPQO2pE9tOYiU_Be0rveEIzAkdAe6U0-qOcTwEaUqUwaAiMyGia5FBFU8xKDm-boHq5aSP4iYX17nTBQOT0ZkDt62mtMZYaj/s400/Traveller's+Tool.bmp" uea="true" width="293" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This book is hysterically funny, but I wouldn't recommend giving it to your sweet elderly granny.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Sadly for America, the print edition is not available in America. You'd have to order it from Australia. However, the audio book edition is </em><a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1743113633/ref=oh_details_o03_s00_i03?ie=UTF8&psc=1"><strong>easily and cheaply available from Amazon</strong></a><em>, and features not only Barry performing the entire book (The audio book is uncut, unabridged), but also includes some of his recordings of Sir Les's songs which are hard to come by elsewhere. The song</em> <strong>Give Her One For Christmas</strong><em> is worth the purchase price alone.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMk29__AnUK8zYT2VscEebk-mA7yZjV-3c-qDYzsg8gw3zXRkG82r6cMt2XbhQz4eWAV-B8QY5zgDGmwJtA1UulUUre2t55j82LSzRlIMLW9i8dEv1rGzhOc0J4pU7fsXXU1o_HXseLMtw/s1600/Traveller's+Tool+Audio.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMk29__AnUK8zYT2VscEebk-mA7yZjV-3c-qDYzsg8gw3zXRkG82r6cMt2XbhQz4eWAV-B8QY5zgDGmwJtA1UulUUre2t55j82LSzRlIMLW9i8dEv1rGzhOc0J4pU7fsXXU1o_HXseLMtw/s400/Traveller's+Tool+Audio.jpg" uea="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is the audio book edition. "<span class="userContent">In Portugal, it's Cockburn's Port, pronounced 'Co-burn's' I'm told by some plummy-voiced Pom who probably asks his wife each night for a "Fu..'." </span><br />
<span class="userContent">- Sir Les Patterson in "The Traveller's Tool Enlarged," Chapter 11, "National Beverages or 'Bevvies'."</span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Read the copy on the back cover of the audio book. (If it's too small to read, click on it.)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8omWy6fcCKf27y0PqQ8LJkMcP6uExAfn4PstCHEqKEdz1Ymml_uj-BlzIQP5l6L_EQ6O27YIH3lEiZiNigc0fezrwb_x5Y0q37L3bsk8PaPZlHQM1q6LtU0172DlGmRlqy8S8zRg8JBMh/s1600/Traveller's+Tool+rear.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="247" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8omWy6fcCKf27y0PqQ8LJkMcP6uExAfn4PstCHEqKEdz1Ymml_uj-BlzIQP5l6L_EQ6O27YIH3lEiZiNigc0fezrwb_x5Y0q37L3bsk8PaPZlHQM1q6LtU0172DlGmRlqy8S8zRg8JBMh/s400/Traveller's+Tool+rear.jpg" uea="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
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<span class="userContent">"[One of the young women involved] was actually giving Brend the Kiss Of Life when he jumped the twig. I guess he even might have made it too if she'd been giving it to him on his mouth."<br />- Sir Les Patterson discussing a fellow Austrtalian polico's demise "on the job" (in a brothel) in "The Traveller's Tool Enlarged."</span> </div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Here's Dougie elderly copy of the original, unenlarged edition.</em></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YYJ8pFweyf6Z58ngtyqPYvzFbN05500znolfAayheDlst8MLwozMEG2cRFvVYk06APvE_ixiWibQTiNUBS63dcMg5-RoYWxFSygVr7ibfk73esqnlCUTGJpXf0jWB4Ciurmkfh9FpXme/s1600/Traveller's+Tool+pb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0YYJ8pFweyf6Z58ngtyqPYvzFbN05500znolfAayheDlst8MLwozMEG2cRFvVYk06APvE_ixiWibQTiNUBS63dcMg5-RoYWxFSygVr7ibfk73esqnlCUTGJpXf0jWB4Ciurmkfh9FpXme/s400/Traveller's+Tool+pb.jpg" uea="true" width="245" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Of course, Little Dougie's copy is signed by Sir Les himself.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqT88JQHXhkPqh2vRNn3uf_29UKVWKNeDjEcJiuSSwF7CkXkKgm3D7e5EeUaNtccUlV5U8MySQ_Z5VzM4IVSEAuDkMjmxncl0ZfBC_p3K5Z1xOTeiPEAF_bjjXzYMP6arK4GOaXLA2McpV/s1600/Traveller's+Title+page.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqT88JQHXhkPqh2vRNn3uf_29UKVWKNeDjEcJiuSSwF7CkXkKgm3D7e5EeUaNtccUlV5U8MySQ_Z5VzM4IVSEAuDkMjmxncl0ZfBC_p3K5Z1xOTeiPEAF_bjjXzYMP6arK4GOaXLA2McpV/s640/Traveller's+Title+page.jpg" uea="true" width="376" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I assume Sir Les was trying to write "All The Best," or "All My Best," but it sure looks to me like "All All Best." What do you think?</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Anyway, belated happy birthday, Barry, and thanks for 6 decades of big, big laughs. How about 6 more decades? Cheers, darlings.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNZqv1TUkBf6ahH0Uv9MOFU-P-CWSpz9TFQsf9RtALeWKiyhAxMNgb87FkAtbL5Hjd0QycZKWPn1Xm9GWZad7urWlWgOdu4m7-BAU946favRKHQi5yrYx8nT3c7DpIwydqW2CV97gvQFrG/s1600/Edna+Dougie+and+Tallu.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNZqv1TUkBf6ahH0Uv9MOFU-P-CWSpz9TFQsf9RtALeWKiyhAxMNgb87FkAtbL5Hjd0QycZKWPn1Xm9GWZad7urWlWgOdu4m7-BAU946favRKHQi5yrYx8nT3c7DpIwydqW2CV97gvQFrG/s400/Edna+Dougie+and+Tallu.jpg" uea="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dougie, Dame Edna and myself, all wearing "The Scream," outside the late Shubert Theater in 2001. This photo was taken by Lizzie Spender.</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-86352548089399352002013-02-14T19:57:00.002-08:002013-02-14T19:57:55.403-08:00Some Like It Sentimental.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Happy Jack Benny's birthday, everyone. Promise her anything but give her a copy of </em><strong><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tallyho-Tallulah-Douglas-McEwan/dp/0985846305/ref=tmm_pap_title_0">Tallyho, Tallulah!</a></strong></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>Cheers, darlings.</em></span><br />
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-83908691223168096792013-02-08T15:19:00.000-08:002013-02-18T18:40:33.463-08:00Au Revoir, Arpad.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Arpad Miklos was the name by which porn star and sex worker Peter Kozmo was best known. He was a chemist in his native Hungary when legendary gay porn director Kristen Bjorn discovered him in 1995. Within a very few years Arpad was living in New York City, embracing his role as the manliest top daddy in gay porn. (One photo I saw of him today was captioned: "Is Gay. Is manlier than most men.") Openly and avidly gay, a total top, highly intelligent, but some saw his image as rough, brutal. I never got that. This was a highly intelligent man, with a large sense of humor, who was known as a gentle, sweet soul. I could never buy him as a son-of-a-bitch nasty daddy; his essential sweetness and gentilness always shown through.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">But apparently his humor ran out. He committed suicide this past Saturday night, and that sweet soul snuffed himself out. I never met him. I have no insight or knowledge into why he died so suddenly and unexpectedly. There are always those in porn, one very recent example springs to mind who shall be nameless here, where when they kill themsleves or O.D. you only ask: "How did they last so long?" Not Arpad. He was the essence of of a survivor in porn. The typical gay porn star who is Right Now's Next Big Thing will, in 12 months, be on the "Whatever Happened to..." list. An average porn performing career lasts 3 years tops. Arpad made over 100 videos (not including his recent, mulititudinous webisodes) between 1995 and 2012, 17 years of continuous porn work. That's almost unheard of. He's an institution. He won awards for Best Scene, Best Top, Best Video, Best Escort, you name it, in porn, he won it. He was said to have a storage locker full of trophies about which he cared not, which may explain why he never called when he became the first, and, to date, only, person to win this blog's "Tallulah's Studly Hunk of the Month Award" three times.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I have no deep point to make about society, no cautionary tale. That would be stupid and presumptive. I do not why he took his life. I'm just sorry for someone I liked. He will be missed. He is missed.</span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Addendum, 2/18/13: A few more details have emerged. Arpad died of an intentionally self-inflicted drug overdose. He left a note that left no doubt of it being suicide, and left explicit instructions for what to do about his remains and his service. He did not give a reason for killing himself, saying he did want to give haters and those who automatically look down on sex workers the "satisfaction." He was a very stoic and private man. His closest friends say it was close to impossible to get him to speak of his own emotions or personal problems. Friends said they knew he'd been depressed, but not how deeply depressed he actually was. So sad. So very, very sad.</span><br />
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-8985406324885192622013-01-28T08:33:00.000-08:002013-02-10T11:15:28.235-08:00(Dick Van) Dykes and Male Actresses at the SAG Awards.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Maybe it’s me, but I think the SAG Award trophy, "The Actor," is hunkier than the Oscar. Better hung too.</em></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I like that the SAG Awards only run two hours. You save so much time when not handing out awards for Best Catering and Most Egregious Use of 3-D.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>The voice-over blather over the montage of arrivals would need to be 2000% percent better simply to rise to hackneyed. "Hey, Ben Affleck, </em><strong>Argo</strong><em> find your seats." Hey banter-writers, </em><strong>Argo</strong><em> fuck yourselves. Well, it’s immediately clear that these are not the WGA awards.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben Affleck gropes a hunky naked man.<br />
(I <strong><em>KNEW</em></strong> it<em><strong>!</strong></em>)</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>What has SAG got against the term "Actress"? </em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>How am I supposed to take seriously hearing "I’m Sofia Vagara, and I’m an actor"? It's enough of a challenge taking seriously "I’m Sofia Vagara and I’m an actress."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>The anorexic wife of one of the </em><strong>American Idol</strong><em> judges (the first-ever hot </em><strong>A.I.</strong><em> judge) gave out Best Supporting Male Actor in a Male Role in a Movie, Slide Show or Shadow Puppets Performance. </em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNWNs8xMtfRhPcV0FkLf6MLaLaD_Hjap7fQ3TcHenVntQbRH7rlogZ4V3sr5FCQzhbw05y7jg3xJ3c5MyX3mZvcK6ht1lC_LiE9ABYw2IrnWwRGRbZnVnGNHXAjnmEoQdD5WSndQDrQr3D/s1600/Keith.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNWNs8xMtfRhPcV0FkLf6MLaLaD_Hjap7fQ3TcHenVntQbRH7rlogZ4V3sr5FCQzhbw05y7jg3xJ3c5MyX3mZvcK6ht1lC_LiE9ABYw2IrnWwRGRbZnVnGNHXAjnmEoQdD5WSndQDrQr3D/s400/Keith.bmp" width="243" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mr. Nicole Kidman</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>The clip of Phillip Seymour Hoffman in</em> <strong>The Master</strong> <em>(Which I’m told someone saw) had him saying: "Our past has been reshapened." I trust it’s not up for any writing awards.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>How weak has not eating anything since 1997 left Mrs. Keith Urban? Well, she almost needed help to open the envelope. I was amazed she could lift it.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Tommy Lee Jones was so sour-looking all through the Golden Globs, clearly hating every moment, that it’s no surprise he didn’t bother to show up for the SAG awards, despite it being a far more respectable award. And how pissed off were Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Alan Arkin and Javier Bardem, all of whom </em><strong>did</strong><em> show up, only to lose to the no-show? Bardem came all the way from Spain, for pity’s sake! Come cry on my bosom, Javier.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Javier Bardem where he belongs, in bed with me! He has <em><strong>excellent</strong></em> taste in literature!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>"Outstanding Female Actor." Oh please! It doesn’t just sound wrong, it sounds </em><strong>PRETENTIOUS!</strong><em> "Outstanding Actress," what is wrong with that? (Even with performers like Barry Humphries or Charles Busch, no one ever says "Outstanding Male Actress.")</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr6XkTKOQ069uWlCIl9dFCytlLli2y2fAemwlRRpqaG228YdTCLd84Nytm3UwKunIDbJMNiKBAfIgGyTI3iPDjiGRyoLSM7Lpj4iftypcdIzNJlHK0QkUkCTLy8BBFjqM9DFSg98alcKaL/s1600/Male+Actresses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="263" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr6XkTKOQ069uWlCIl9dFCytlLli2y2fAemwlRRpqaG228YdTCLd84Nytm3UwKunIDbJMNiKBAfIgGyTI3iPDjiGRyoLSM7Lpj4iftypcdIzNJlHK0QkUkCTLy8BBFjqM9DFSg98alcKaL/s400/Male+Actresses.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two of my favorite male actresses.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Isn’t </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> like two days long or something? (I haven't seen it. I read the Gore Vidal book.) Why then do I keep seeing the exact same Sally Field clip over and over on show after show? Is she only in one scene? Are they afraid of spoiling the ending?</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>You know, If I were going to pay a woman to have sex with me (Don’t hold your breath, ladies), I’d want someone a lot hotter than Helen Hunt. Did she take double coupons or something?</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Oh Justin Timberlake, you broke my heart when you married that - that - that woman who is not Vera Miles, and worse, is not me. I guess you had more trouble chewing your way out of her restraints than you did chewing your way out of mine. At least mine were flavored. Is that woman thoughtful enough to tie you to her bed with chocolate-flavered restraints?</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqUsWfXN1B6ElLUJcWpnOuj9a0M28D8efBs1fvqgYItXs8wfSGLUPQJa9rx0He8t1DxIoOPtW6yTtuUKOzfHOiLIf9Yli2vdolDGWRI4qgJ8qd_8fgYmYX_zro74VUh4VdIyCEfZpadVQA/s1600/Justin-Timberlake-My-love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqUsWfXN1B6ElLUJcWpnOuj9a0M28D8efBs1fvqgYItXs8wfSGLUPQJa9rx0He8t1DxIoOPtW6yTtuUKOzfHOiLIf9Yli2vdolDGWRI4qgJ8qd_8fgYmYX_zro74VUh4VdIyCEfZpadVQA/s640/Justin-Timberlake-My-love.jpg" width="362" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Justin Timberlake as Hamlet.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>This is the second award Anne Hathaway has won for singing badly. Who knew they gave awards for it? On</em> <strong>American Idol</strong><em>, they wouldn’t even have sent her through to Hollywood. (Well, this year "Hollywood Week" was actually shot in Northridge, but no one ever shouts: "You’re going to Northridge!")</em> </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>For Alec Baldwin’s</em> <strong>30 Rock</strong><em> clip they used a short scene which was totally stolen by Elaine Stritch. (To be fair to Alec, pretty much any scene Elaine is in she steals. The woman is a scene kleptomaniac.) And what the hell was that on Alec’s head? It looked like he’d borrowed Channing Tatum’s hair for the evening. Alec has now won 8 times for a show that only ran 7 years. How I wish Alec had said: "I’d like to thank my wife, Hilaria, for not being that Bassinger bitch."</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPi1MGPJv2R5Y7TlAWM7jRDBsEkZCXPY_Ii1Gc-LIyHBmrQL-kNJHu3iQbttXw80ROEqp36o7f79O3nanf-XLZwiUNQuS7p73Gx5W-MgoajlPnJ7lrWvC4RrKReqXk1PWcly6ORtTPuOrQ/s1600/apple-mac-alec-baldwin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPi1MGPJv2R5Y7TlAWM7jRDBsEkZCXPY_Ii1Gc-LIyHBmrQL-kNJHu3iQbttXw80ROEqp36o7f79O3nanf-XLZwiUNQuS7p73Gx5W-MgoajlPnJ7lrWvC4RrKReqXk1PWcly6ORtTPuOrQ/s400/apple-mac-alec-baldwin.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I <em><strong>LOVE</strong></em> when Alec Baldwin Skypes me. He could Skype my brains out anytime.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Best Girly Actor on a TV Series or Rennaisance Faire was one hell of a line-up of talent. I had to pull a name out of a hat to choose whom to vote for. Tina Fey is a perfectly acceptable choice, she being a comedy goddess after all.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Betty White wasn’t there? Did she die? I love Betty intensely, but when you’re over 90 and somehow still starring in a weekly TV series (Hell, somehow still breathing, and I speak as someone who is 115), any time they’re even a minute late, let alone a no-show, "Did she die?" is the first question to pop into one’s head.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I was by this time expecting that </em><strong>30 Rock</strong><em> would take the Gang-Comedy Ensemble award, but it was nice that instead, it went to a show that will still be on the air next week.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Poor widdle Sawah Pawin. Two weeks ago Julianne Moore won a Golden Glob for making her look like a shallow, vacuous opportunist who is monumentally ignorant and grasping. Last week Fox News fired her, indicating that even among the Far Right Lunatic Fringe, she’s no longer fooling anyone. Now tonight, Julianne Moore won the SAG Outstanding Womanly Actotrix in a Miniseries, TV Movie or Circus Award for making Sarah look like a nasty, petty, egomaniacal, self-serving ratbag with the morals of a horny necrophiliac on visiting day at the morgue, and fewer brains than the animals she gleefully shoots from a helicopter - </em><strong>after</strong><em> she shoots them. What a terrible month that ghastly woman is having. My </em><strong>schadenfreude</strong><em> is having an orgasm! What a shame Julianne can’t win an Oscar for it also, or at least a Nobel.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So Ernest Hemingway once sexually assaulted a mildly attractive waiter in a restaurant when suddenly erotically aroused by his own chest hair, despite being on a date, I guess, with Nicole Kidman Urban? What was their source for that scene? That gave my credulity a good stretch, though not as much as the "Hemingway" in</em> <strong>Midnight in Paris</strong> <em>(Adorable Corey Stoll), who spoke all the time in a parody of his own prose style.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I assume Kevin Costner was not there because he, like me, never expected him to win Outstanding Male Actress in a - well - Anything. There were, after all, other nominees. </em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>What’s happening to Ed Harris? In his clip, I mistook Ed for the late Dennis Hopper. Dennis Hopper dead is a better actor than Kevin Costner alive. (None of the nominees showed up for that category. Was that some sort of prank? A protest of something? None of them wanted to miss </em><strong>Downton Abbey</strong><em>?)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Ken Howard has evolved, if that’s the right word, from the White Shadow to the Pillsbury Doughboy.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih0SWt6iQv4nHk59XFfR6e0tzWIjVV7Rhz7QQhoz3zw5Af5wmWQtz3LrHPpTpazeeQe5kLTfFaVZYlN6bNgxGsC96W-L1NOP-rQuC5u_4J_hFZNUjB6xUeXclkmpNchnYG6PEywbn371u4/s1600/Hugh+Jackman+damp+profile.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEih0SWt6iQv4nHk59XFfR6e0tzWIjVV7Rhz7QQhoz3zw5Af5wmWQtz3LrHPpTpazeeQe5kLTfFaVZYlN6bNgxGsC96W-L1NOP-rQuC5u_4J_hFZNUjB6xUeXclkmpNchnYG6PEywbn371u4/s640/Hugh+Jackman+damp+profile.jpg" width="404" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I wanna be loved by Hugh.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I was sitting comfortably in a warm dry chair watching the show and dictating these musings to Little Dougie. Hugh Jackman walked out. (I think there may have been someone beside him, but I couldn’t see the other person any more than you can see the planet Venus when the sun is risen.) Hugh began to speak. The room began to swirl. I became disoriented. The next thing I knew, I was swimming out of my chair to escape drowning in the sudden flood unleashed beneath my lap. I need to put the show on pause for a few minutes and go take a quick, ice cold shower. Hugh, Hugh, Hugh. (Dougie! Go get a paper towel and wipe off the TV screen. You’ve left tongue streaks all over it.)</em></span> <br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>(Hugh, my future husband once you lift that silly restraining order, everyone on earth has seen the Harry Potter films and read the Harry Potter books. It’s not necessary to tell us that Bellatrix LeStrange is from Harry Potter, any more than you need to tell us that Catwoman is from Batman or that Wolverine is from my fevered night fantasies. What you could possibly explain to us is how, after Tim Burton’s film of</em> <strong>Sweeney Todd</strong><em>, anyone on earth would hire Helena Bonham Carter Burton to sing in a musical again. Is she shagging Tom Hooper? A woman who’ll shag Tim Burton can’t be accused of holding out for looks. Come to think of it, after seeing Tim Burton’s</em> <strong>Sweeney Todd</strong><em>, why would anyone cast Sacha Baron Cohen in another musical? Is he shagging Tom Hooper also? )</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXV3evFekqdaZK2YtK3nlWlxs9bd-5Viv8NXVxi_SC5wB1EIctY9sHm0_niZ84OFtTQia64mLC_3Q_GPEfGGu3zwcNGUo5njaBKrBTGMK3lcy8EdkVg_0PRnUNVDKNUExYLjo6gWZrr_oB/s1600/Hugh+in+shades.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXV3evFekqdaZK2YtK3nlWlxs9bd-5Viv8NXVxi_SC5wB1EIctY9sHm0_niZ84OFtTQia64mLC_3Q_GPEfGGu3zwcNGUo5njaBKrBTGMK3lcy8EdkVg_0PRnUNVDKNUExYLjo6gWZrr_oB/s640/Hugh+in+shades.jpg" width="438" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Hugh made me love Hugh.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>A Lifetime Achievement Award for Dick Van Dyke? Hard to think of a more worthy recipient. Okay, his "Cockney" accent in</em> <strong>Mary Poppins</strong><em> sounds like a high school drama student doing "Australian," but he does everything else really well. And he’s someone you associate with high quality projects. I did not realize he was on</em> <strong>Diagnosis: Murder</strong><em> for longer than </em><strong>The Dick Van Dyke Show</strong><em> ran. Are they sure it didn’t just </em><strong>seem</strong><em> longer? Having a superb physical and verbal comic actor/singer/dancer noticing clues every week in the billionth "Old Star as Non-Cop Who Solves a Murder Every Week Because the Police are Stupid" whodunit TV series seems like such a waste of talent. And on the rare occasions that I watched that show, I was - let’s say distracted - by his hot son Barry. </em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS7eTj6F1059HROM0YAP3Z6LZVs-0rfuaxMttf5kkqPBP7t1l4iHJwtpaky5fTR0YVXKnDNHc3vLDvtZH2dwzS6OpMIm1Em99SQHPNm7E-1CeDdUo5nV_lz4I-LJCNW0bngFNBGraXzRlZ/s1600/dick-van-dyke-mary-poppins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgS7eTj6F1059HROM0YAP3Z6LZVs-0rfuaxMttf5kkqPBP7t1l4iHJwtpaky5fTR0YVXKnDNHc3vLDvtZH2dwzS6OpMIm1Em99SQHPNm7E-1CeDdUo5nV_lz4I-LJCNW0bngFNBGraXzRlZ/s400/dick-van-dyke-mary-poppins.jpg" width="318" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dick Van Dyke as Hamlet.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Anyway, Dick Van Dyke’s career is well-deserving of a Lifetime Achievement Award. Too often these days, Lifetime Achievement Awards are going to people in their 40s, or even their 30s. I believe that The Oscars next month plan to give a Lifetime Achievement Award and the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Quvenzhané Wallis.</em></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiixTFtvz1wcS54WwO0hQa_eDsYksXIA9epLPdd9Oo09yjnrKI-h1fLEqILszE0HRif9XtIAulB-Nbxj4cjNlV0QfgohlPpP0rn07vn8s4FxfCWkJKB_3KdiyqHPhg9bRSPWO9soC-3YyjY/s1600/Baby+Harry+Potter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="297" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiixTFtvz1wcS54WwO0hQa_eDsYksXIA9epLPdd9Oo09yjnrKI-h1fLEqILszE0HRif9XtIAulB-Nbxj4cjNlV0QfgohlPpP0rn07vn8s4FxfCWkJKB_3KdiyqHPhg9bRSPWO9soC-3YyjY/s400/Baby+Harry+Potter.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The next recipiant of AFI's Lifetime Achievement Award, Baby Harry Potter from <em><strong>Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows</strong></em>.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>(Sidebar rumination: after watching a multitude of whodunit shows on TV over the years, one could be forgiven for wondering how the police ever manage to solve murders on their own without help from con-men consultants, private sleuths, coroners, defense lawyers, nosy doctors, crime-fiction writers, psychic children, teenagers with a van and a large dog, husband and wife busybody teams, Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys, Casper the Friendly Ghost, and so on and so forth. How did Lieutenant Columbo manage to solve murders so well? He </em><strong>was</strong><em> a cop.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So both Carl Reiner and Mary Tyler Moore told Dick Van Dyke they couldn’t participate in his career tribute because they both have (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) "The Flu." And he bought it? Dick, they cancelled out because of the "flu" six months ago! (I’m joking - about Carl.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Oh Amy Poehler, you are a goddess.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3VJeU7zX_t5chRWtoReGkLV6vqt8C1SMlMtyuK_raDH6FMuvSfjRMKP3XSq5k2PJ6_P7WqOvvgMOjF6gxyaH-JvR-LTYLGl5ORwONoAgu1JR5RxnqHxlmAaeRx802g28kx91xHQNhR4dc/s1600/taye-diggs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="385" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3VJeU7zX_t5chRWtoReGkLV6vqt8C1SMlMtyuK_raDH6FMuvSfjRMKP3XSq5k2PJ6_P7WqOvvgMOjF6gxyaH-JvR-LTYLGl5ORwONoAgu1JR5RxnqHxlmAaeRx802g28kx91xHQNhR4dc/s400/taye-diggs.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I digg Taye, even if he is married to the Wicked Witch of the West. He melted her heart. Dorothy Gale melted the rest of her.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Thank Heaven Taye Diggs was wearing an unflattering goatee. (Do you know how hard it is for something - anything! - to be unflattering on Taye Diggs?) When they first announced he was coming out, I was afraid I was going to have to change chairs again.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_QrWGIO1ILWZ5afAY8pH5Nh3zqhfXqWtTEh4DNomVghTcWQyQM7cgc7m7vbqIc9G0k17Fjup6ns9azYC5ucQ9Vu5Go32TWAoQ2HIKeYS3BB8vyKXE-K_xedM5sU9pqGNy_V_VJ8TT5VCg/s1600/imagesCATSEHDV.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="310" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_QrWGIO1ILWZ5afAY8pH5Nh3zqhfXqWtTEh4DNomVghTcWQyQM7cgc7m7vbqIc9G0k17Fjup6ns9azYC5ucQ9Vu5Go32TWAoQ2HIKeYS3BB8vyKXE-K_xedM5sU9pqGNy_V_VJ8TT5VCg/s400/imagesCATSEHDV.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Like my cock ring? I had to have it specially made."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I’m supposed to believe that Claire Danes deserves the award for Outstanding Effeminate Thespian in a Dramatic TV Show or Sleazy Carnival over Maggie Smith? Maggs may be the Most Outstanding Penis-Free Actor alive after me. I’m sure Claire Danes is fine, as actors with still operational wombs go, but I missed her Shakespearean work opposite Lord Olivier and her Noel Coward work with Sir Noel Coward, whereas, I did see Maggs do those things. Gertrude Lawrence wished she played Amanda Prynne as well as Maggie did, and the part was written for Gertie.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Well, at least Claire in her speech did what Jodie Foster failed to do at the Globs; she came out as a man, though it seemed to be news to her too.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Two observations about the Dead Actors and Dead Female Actors montage: 1. Relax. I was not in it again this year. 2. Did Jack Soo die </em><strong>again?</strong><em> I could have sworn he had died already, back in 1979, but there he was in the Dead Female Actors and Male Actresses Montage. We loved Jack so much it was hard enough having him die just the once. It seems mean to him and to us to make him die twice.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>It takes a teensy bit of the sting out of the death of rightly beloved Larry Hagman to know that, starting tonight, we get one last run of new </em><strong>Dallas</strong><em> episodes with him. Larry was a lovely, funny, agreeably weird, genuinely eccentric guy, and the memory of my making him roar with laughter on one occasion about 4 years ago pleases me greatly. How wonderful that the </em><strong>Dallas</strong><em> revival came along just in time to enable Larry to go out back on top again. But now the son of Peter Pan has flown away for good, and Dallas is our new Neverland.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikahOHuHv9pfOHhLwFJc_jgWo4xsyixpcFbe27EFjuAr9j-WRXalA0BkPXrd7oyOF4tMs7Bv5Fh0F2uTZUApd5ObD2pCxxglHmMEzzeukvRRUNWetW12kUVuOPiXdLII9-9Hb0zYJpitHH/s1600/JR+EW+Cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikahOHuHv9pfOHhLwFJc_jgWo4xsyixpcFbe27EFjuAr9j-WRXalA0BkPXrd7oyOF4tMs7Bv5Fh0F2uTZUApd5ObD2pCxxglHmMEzzeukvRRUNWetW12kUVuOPiXdLII9-9Hb0zYJpitHH/s400/JR+EW+Cover.jpg" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">What is the point of being a Show Biz Immortal if you can still just die, like lesser people? You know, like you.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>In the nominees clips for Best Multi-Gender Thespian Troupe on a TV Drama or High School Play, whoever chose to put a clip of the guy in the</em> <strong>Breaking Bad</strong> <em>drug-scumballs’ and lowlifes’ dinner scene describing eating microwaved lasagna as being like "eating scabs" where it would be instantly followed by a scene of over-civilized snooty posh folks having a formal dinner at </em><strong>Downton Abbey</strong><em> deserves a raise. (Mind you, I had just finished consuming some lasagna I had reheated in my microwave not ten minutes earlier, so thanks for almost giving my viewing snack a winter repeat. Fortunately, I developed a taste for eating scabs many years back during a particularly long actor’s strike.) </em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Since the scene from</em> <strong>Boardwalk Empire</strong><em> was also of people talking around a table while they ate and drank, when we got to the </em><strong>Homeland</strong> <em>clip, I was mildly disappointed that it wasn’t a dinner scene also. How nice it would have been if all the clips were dinner scenes.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Sigourney Weaver doesn’t seem to know how to remove a slip of paper from an envelope. Does she not get any fan mail ever, or does she palm it all off on an underling to open, read and discard?</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Wait! They let the housekeeper make the acceptance speech for</em> <strong>Downton Abbey</strong><em>? Shouldn’t it be one of the toffs? It seems someone has forgotten her place. Next she’ll want the vote! Harumph!</em> </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Helen Mirrin was nominated for playing Lady Alma Reville Hitchcock? Look, I love Helen and all, but I met Alma. She was a hobbit. She must have been a full foot shorter than Helen. And then there’s the fact that Mirrin is so beautiful that even in her ‘60s, she’s still sexy and stunning. Alma was, well, ah, she was very, very talented, and very, very brilliant, and very, very accomplished - and homelier than a bulldog with pink eye.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh47Jk65hxw19O8Ml28ju72alom6TajEjPXcySlk27oFpZphuJ4GT1Qy4-g7GsaEYT2dIzHBmOWeDhP8G-f9W_9f3eDiRfZQiuvm5TyrNutSTNVL-eo2tkvCr1hUK6ZDzIZN4h7CAzgNv41/s1600/hitchalma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="252" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh47Jk65hxw19O8Ml28ju72alom6TajEjPXcySlk27oFpZphuJ4GT1Qy4-g7GsaEYT2dIzHBmOWeDhP8G-f9W_9f3eDiRfZQiuvm5TyrNutSTNVL-eo2tkvCr1hUK6ZDzIZN4h7CAzgNv41/s400/hitchalma.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Don't you wish the Hitchcocks had made a sex tape together? That would be <em><strong>scary!</strong></em></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So Daniel Day Lewis won Best Actress in a Male Role for playing the guy on the money. Frankly, the role of General Grant is worth ten times what the role of Lincoln is worth. Let’s face it; a robot could play Lincoln. For a moment there I thought Lewis was going to thank John Wilkes Booth. (Did Booth’s agent get 10% of the blame for the assassination?)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl8TZGPtGsEpzsi_sb5ozAq7rG5VgildHBqIKWz-3BwiZncZCD6XB29g9Mg0TWi0_7LFcu3BJeBbffi9RbxIkWVLmDKysHHY2ZPGbJ9o_GX-glvRTOLducToY9_P37m8Ug4NcKz-s6rNB4/s1600/Lincoln+Money.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="168" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjl8TZGPtGsEpzsi_sb5ozAq7rG5VgildHBqIKWz-3BwiZncZCD6XB29g9Mg0TWi0_7LFcu3BJeBbffi9RbxIkWVLmDKysHHY2ZPGbJ9o_GX-glvRTOLducToY9_P37m8Ug4NcKz-s6rNB4/s400/Lincoln+Money.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Abe was our first Republican president, and our last good Republican president. Mayhaps then it is fitting that he achieved the greatest ambition of all Republicans; he <em><strong>became</strong></em> money! Little Dougie's father used sometimes to complain: "I'm not made of money, you know." Well Lincoln is these days.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So although no individual actorette of any gender in </em><strong>Argo</strong><em> was deemed worthy of an award, nonetheless, they won the Whole Bunch of Thespians in One Flick award? </em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Apparently, the players in </em><strong>Argo</strong><em> all suck individually, but together they’re great. Okay. The real message here seemed to be: everyone else in </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> besides Daniel Day Lewis and Tommy Lee Jones is lame. I guess you need three names to win for that movie. If only she were Sally Tyler Field. They’d have given the ensemble award to</em> <strong>Les Misérables</strong> <em>if only it hadn’t been for Russell Crow’s "singing." There's no way to announce the award as going to "The cast of </em><strong>Les Misérables</strong><em>, except for Russell Crow."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Notice how in an award show entirely controlled by actors, no one gets played off? And let me just add ... </em><span style="color: blue;">[Music begins playing my theme song, <em><strong>Heat Crazed</strong></em>]</span><em> ... that I could never have written this column... </em><span style="color: blue;"><strong>[Music gets louder]</strong></span><em> ... without the help of Little Dougie and ... </em><strong><span style="color: blue; font-size: large;">[Music becomes deafening] </span></strong><em>... <span style="font-size: x-large;"><strong>Oh fuck it! Cheers, darlings.</strong></span></em></span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-88515005250587166562013-01-27T17:44:00.001-08:002013-01-28T10:48:08.006-08:00Comments Policy Change.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhixA9vSYOPiF1JTQoTwo4Ha9P9V0EQv31yOVeVZqdzCkmQgeoxLHNzX9GRWaNlpGFqBgAdW_H8Sc7R6Kd-GbzxwBNER54YwsQQu_uTFlaQk99k5d3TZ9R9uFwwVCCNVQsVTY20BJ4dOGp9/s1600/Tallulah+Goes+Down+on+the+Titanic.bmp" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="270" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhixA9vSYOPiF1JTQoTwo4Ha9P9V0EQv31yOVeVZqdzCkmQgeoxLHNzX9GRWaNlpGFqBgAdW_H8Sc7R6Kd-GbzxwBNER54YwsQQu_uTFlaQk99k5d3TZ9R9uFwwVCCNVQsVTY20BJ4dOGp9/s400/Tallulah+Goes+Down+on+the+Titanic.bmp" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I <strong><em>HATE</em></strong> being strict! I'm usually "Miss Take-Liberties."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I have had to disallow anonymous comments on my comments pages. Some anonymous coward has taken to leaving gratuitous, and worse, inaccurate, insults and not signing them. </em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>This coward criticized Little Dougie's hair, accusing him of having a Donald Trump combover. This is absurd. Dougie is not the best looking he's ever been at his advanced and dessicated age, but the one thing he still has is all of his actual hair. This is like criticizing President Obama for being "a fat ugly woman." There are plenty of instultable targets on Little Dougie, but his hair is just not among them. The insulter was far more on target when he opened with calling him an "OLD queer hipster." Well, he </em><strong>IS</strong><em> old, 62 to be precise, and he </em><strong>is</strong><em> homosexual, though proudly. It's not actually something he's ashamed of. But "hipster"? What? Is he Maynard G. Krebs? A genuine hipster would laugh in Anonymous Coward's face. Actually, the fact that Anonymous Coward actually used the word "hipster" shows that he or she (But I'll bet it's a "he") is pretty friggin' ancient his or herself. But when you use "queer" as an insult, all you're showing is that you're a homophobic bigot, and you have won the Low Ground. Well, we've established that Anonymous Coward is an elderly homophobic, ageist, hairist, bigot and coward. Little Dougie is stung to the quick.)</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><em><span style="color: purple;"></span></em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So I'm sorry, but anonymous posting is no langer allowed. If you want to leave a comment and don't have a Blogspot account, you'll have to open one. They're free, and you are not requried to start your own blog to have one, but no more anonymous cowards spewing insults from behind their chickenshit anonymity. Sign your insults or fuck off, and I mean that in the nicest way.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><em><span style="color: purple;"></span></em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Cheers, darlings.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdRZNz7D-9C9naIg59FYfZ7PYWAOVKPwMqyIfUp-9kpANBRSm_2__4ZoMSuPmsCLPfgRAGrLhCVJPCYHDdBKGu63ZrA68YdM3D-oE9JONTYLzYIFY2HRkGY3lVZaCPSNbRoR1FQhi89VEj/s1600/Doug+Lounges.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="464" oea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjdRZNz7D-9C9naIg59FYfZ7PYWAOVKPwMqyIfUp-9kpANBRSm_2__4ZoMSuPmsCLPfgRAGrLhCVJPCYHDdBKGu63ZrA68YdM3D-oE9JONTYLzYIFY2HRkGY3lVZaCPSNbRoR1FQhi89VEj/s640/Doug+Lounges.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A recent shot of Little Dougie. The hair is real.</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-88908047847046078872013-01-15T14:12:00.001-08:002013-01-15T14:15:29.826-08:00Post-Golden Globes Addendum re: Jodie Foster.<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I 100% agree with Wilson Cruz's remarks on Jodie Foster's speech at the Golden Globes: "<span style="color: blue;">The part that pisses me off is that she got up there and mocked the risk all of the other people who came out while she was hiding for decades and made it possible for her to get up there and act as if it was a non issue. It's a non-issue because people risked their careers and yes, their lives, to make it so. So, on behalf of all those people, Jodie, you're welcome, and Fuck you.</span>"</em></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia; font-size: small;">Cheers, darlings, except for Jodie, who can rot with her evil pal Mel Gibson.</span></em></span><br />
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-66132037415967186152013-01-14T19:51:00.000-08:002013-01-15T23:48:11.566-08:00Gobs of Globes<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiknaFILX8DFFo_yCVv3HMKn-ZyhapcP965q4kAu95VVheBNwOhy1Ml7q4Antjo8euYl4T-hIewbSnYjj8Ae2sd0H7UjtH5O2z9J0lFXzDxnEYy0-qZEktKM8obGBacXhyphenhyphen3eYS5-FIi5RVj/s1600/67th-golden-globe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="280" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiknaFILX8DFFo_yCVv3HMKn-ZyhapcP965q4kAu95VVheBNwOhy1Ml7q4Antjo8euYl4T-hIewbSnYjj8Ae2sd0H7UjtH5O2z9J0lFXzDxnEYy0-qZEktKM8obGBacXhyphenhyphen3eYS5-FIi5RVj/s400/67th-golden-globe.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Without doubt, the most phallic of all show biz awards. They should call them the Golden Dongs.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Ah the Golden Globs, the award show where you can drink throughout the whole show and buy an award. It was three hours that flew like ten.</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>First off, having Al Roker on the red carpet right after the clip of his confessing to pooping his pants, what Joel McHale called a "shart," ran on</em> <strong>The Soup, Letterman, The Daily Show</strong> <em>and probably other programs I missed, was an unfortunate choice. One kept wondering if it would become a brown carpet at any moment, and you’d think any entering celebrity wouldn’t want to get to near him. "What’s that smell? Is it</em> <strong>Gangster Squad</strong><em>, or just Al Roker having another incontinent moment?" I just hope he doesn’t have Incontinental Drift. Maybe he could host</em> <strong>Shart Week</strong><em>, or an odious game show like</em> <strong>Card Sharts.</strong></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Tina and Amy are comedy goddesses. On the other hand, before Ricky Gervais ever hosted, I was pitching for him to host because I felt he was brilliantly funny. Well, that’s all over with. I don’t want that happening again with Amy and Tina. Girls, stay funny. Don’t become smug and sour like Ricky has.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>"Mandy Patinkin is also a treasure of American musical theater." Who wrote that line? Mandy? How about we make the Great Over-Actor and Over-Singer a </em><strong>BURIED</strong><em> treasure, and then lose the map to him?</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>You know, Christoph Waltz is such a good actor and such an engaging person, I almost didn’t mind that his winning an award meant an award to a Tarantino film, even though I loathe Tarantino and his entire output.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Well of course Maggie Smith won; she’s a goddess of acting. Why did the other nominees even bother to show up? Maggie didn’t. She probably told them she had to wash her hair. "The Golden Globs? Call me when it’s a real award."</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Maggie Smith in <em><strong>Downton Hogwarts</strong></em></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So Michael J. Fox’s son Dan, who looks like he </em><strong>might</strong><em> be about old enough to get his learner’s permit later this year, or maybe next year, is a "Philanthropist"? Really? What is the source of his fortune? Where is Dan Fox Hall, or the Dan Fox Library? You know, giving your lunch money to schoolyard bullies doesn’t make you a "Philanthropist."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Clint Eastwood’s daughter, eh? Is this the loony one who torches $100,000 dollar purses? (Speaking of loony, the mere fact that there </em><strong>IS </strong><em>such a thing as a $100,000 purse is pretty darn loony.) Will she be setting fire to the lady winners’ gowns? Will she be presenting Golden Globs to empty chairs? (At the Eastwood residence, the song from </em><strong>Les Misérables</strong><em>, </em><strong>Empty Chairs at Empty Tables</strong><em>, is considered a song about a packed house.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I’d love to have seen the look on Sarah Palin’s face when the movie about what a, nasty, evil, and stupid boob she is won Best TV Movie. </em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Well of course Julianne Moore won for playing Sarah Palin. She was much more convincing in the role than the real Sarah Palin was.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>How does Catherine Zita-Jones-Douglas-Zack-Duncan keep getting more beautiful? I figured she was married to that old guy because she would always look young when standing next to him. I can certainly think of no other reason. It’s not like he was sexy even when he was young, early last century. But he wasn’t standing next to her while she introduced a 2-second clip of</em> <strong>Les Miz</strong><em>, and yet she was still incredibly gorgeous. She looked so great, I’m amazed people weren’t mistaking her for me. (Well, she is a brunette whereas I am a natural Platinum blond.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Amy Poehler was one inch of doublestick tape away from showing us her Golden Globs, though no one seemed to be complaining about it.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>The elderly lesbian who was President of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association thinks it’s an "Honor" to hold that post. Well, English is clearly not her first language; maybe she needs to look up the meaning of the word "Honor."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Apparently Paul Rudd can not speak without a prompter.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Paul is willing to let you play with his Golden Globes, when my turn ends, so don't hold your breath.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>When you give an award to Homeland, the terrorists win.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Do they ever waterboard Mandy Patinkin on </em><strong>Homeland</strong><em>? If so, I may have to catch it.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>The sight of Robert Downey Jr. kissing Mel Gibson made me vomit. Didn’t Robert get the memo that Gibson is anathema? Didn’t his agent ever tell him: "Never be seen on national TV kissing any notorious homophobes or anti-Semites or drunken crazy wife/girlfriend abusers, let alone kissing someone known to everyone to be all of the above and worse"?</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>When they introduced "Tony Mendez," I was expecting the Cuban cue card guy from Letterman to walk out. Instead it was some elderly CIA spook who sure looks NOTHING like Ben Affleck. (Ben was looking great though. The beard is flattering, not that a man as gorgeous as Ben Affleck needs to wear a beard - or anything at all!)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7B70H1l6Tojdr-5hpnKgqv9lmWJvRXh-pbIqxxIt91z6O9BEXCuAu_zmeQ2YKdmcGaVYZdSJlEzi7rd8OPsAO7eneAvocHKP-NHCuMz0a2iyHJQzkLxp7D-GN8IcEDzG4E6IZqNeM8sDp/s1600/Tony+Mendez.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="296" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7B70H1l6Tojdr-5hpnKgqv9lmWJvRXh-pbIqxxIt91z6O9BEXCuAu_zmeQ2YKdmcGaVYZdSJlEzi7rd8OPsAO7eneAvocHKP-NHCuMz0a2iyHJQzkLxp7D-GN8IcEDzG4E6IZqNeM8sDp/s400/Tony+Mendez.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Tony Mendez who is not an American hero, and who has never been played by Ben Affleck.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Not only was "Tony Mendez" not Letterman’s cue card guy, but he seemed to have trouble even reading cue cards. He’s not an actor, I know. But he </em><strong>was</strong><em> a spy, and acting is life and death for spies. Sir Christopher Lee, a </em><strong>GREAT</strong><em> actor, was also a real, behind-enemy-lines, spy in World War II (For </em><strong>our</strong><em> side; he only pretends to be evil in movies. He’s actually a very good man; he’s just a very bad wizard) has this to say in his autobiography, </em><strong>Lord of Misrule</strong><em>, about his experiences as a spy (His actual spy adventures themselves are still classified): "As the new spy, I found myself like an actor taking on a part in a long-running play, except that here, the actors were obliged for their lives to depend on me." </em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sir Christopher Lee's Scaramanga, aka, <em><strong>The Man With the Golden Globe</strong></em> - ah - <strong><em>Gun</em></strong> was the most cheerful Bond villain.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Given that he was a real, genuine spy, and a war hero, I wonder how he kept a straight face on the set of </em><strong>The Man With the Golden Gun</strong><em>, watching Roger Moore, the lamest of all James Bonds, going through his pathetic paces. Come to think of it, his Scaramanga does grin a lot.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXQ0QaHMhZ9A40pyu7H44YIiBsIICtBcKlSxT2Wla1TTKDlQeQjcrPn8_s3R_xiDI0CwRtPjCoUT0KOGZ4B6HwexN3O1UmDDhOekNTNhYZ80MvznETq4Qw61okVCe2sboVoeu747-ne87L/s1600/Spy+vs+Spy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="266" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXQ0QaHMhZ9A40pyu7H44YIiBsIICtBcKlSxT2Wla1TTKDlQeQjcrPn8_s3R_xiDI0CwRtPjCoUT0KOGZ4B6HwexN3O1UmDDhOekNTNhYZ80MvznETq4Qw61okVCe2sboVoeu747-ne87L/s400/Spy+vs+Spy.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Spy vs Spy</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>What was Jennifer Lopez’s dress made of? Doilies?</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmA0DlbYAlxpe4wbLsYRhdhJd984eaRENvxqO9rdY9Tc-HLN6FmxJBuCOe_bquRnjnzk5ZLUP9uedv26eFycWVBIStzZuZ2NgxcU3QOq_H8cMpNVwKJN2LrXAZ5uceW-FEYtSByFKZ2S_N/s1600/o-JENNIFER-LOPEZ-GOLDEN-GLOBES-2013-570.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmA0DlbYAlxpe4wbLsYRhdhJd984eaRENvxqO9rdY9Tc-HLN6FmxJBuCOe_bquRnjnzk5ZLUP9uedv26eFycWVBIStzZuZ2NgxcU3QOq_H8cMpNVwKJN2LrXAZ5uceW-FEYtSByFKZ2S_N/s400/o-JENNIFER-LOPEZ-GOLDEN-GLOBES-2013-570.jpg" width="292" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Now that she's "left by mutual agreement" <em><strong>American Idol</strong></em> (Show Biz jargon for "Fired"), her next project will be a sitcom called <em><strong>The Slutty Nun.</strong></em></td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Wasn’t it nice of Adele to class up the night by talking about how she and her friend had been "pissing ourselves," as they watched the show. She’s lucky they didn’t make her go sit at Al Roker’s table. She’s also lucky that she doesn’t sing with that accent. Apparently, pronouncing ALL the consonants in her words is too much effort.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Wait. They gave an </em><strong>ACTING</strong><em> award to Kevin Costner? Kevin is one of the most boring actors ever to sustain an inexplicable career. Did he say anything amusing? As always, he opened his mouth to speak and I dropped off to sleep.</em></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTQcTM4XcNnzMXhU5loI0pC-ZgoamKtnKoYoefx5tSI-W4gipXdSQFljJCr94GZBvvZTb4fvel75K4iNXtzJeYn8H1zn5lw7COThL22RaEJ2v_w7STKMJm4hOOUcZNKWuX8t8X0ifKzHak/s1600/Costner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTQcTM4XcNnzMXhU5loI0pC-ZgoamKtnKoYoefx5tSI-W4gipXdSQFljJCr94GZBvvZTb4fvel75K4iNXtzJeYn8H1zn5lw7COThL22RaEJ2v_w7STKMJm4hOOUcZNKWuX8t8X0ifKzHak/s640/Costner.jpg" width="504" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The super-excitng, Oscar and Golden Glob-winning, superstar Kevin Cost--- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-size: small;"><em>When they introduced Bill Clinton, I half-expected that that Eastwood girl was just going to wheel out an empty chair.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAyPdlsVHzJQ-O0HnPeZuy0tBLi9WmIhETBvjpwaQXhuapWRixFcTXtq393jd-Sc0yQ7zV5rm-fEm2wjcyFYRZtJT_dXcfsPHYTY41q4rmZdaxJ16qj_rYWHGYWh3U95FmZiMGLA5IlUsr/s1600/Clinton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAyPdlsVHzJQ-O0HnPeZuy0tBLi9WmIhETBvjpwaQXhuapWRixFcTXtq393jd-Sc0yQ7zV5rm-fEm2wjcyFYRZtJT_dXcfsPHYTY41q4rmZdaxJ16qj_rYWHGYWh3U95FmZiMGLA5IlUsr/s640/Clinton.jpg" width="406" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bill being "Presidential."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I was amused that they had a Democratic president introduce the clip from a movie about a Republican president. Imagine if George Bush were doing it: "Heh, heh, heh. I love this Lincoln guy. Only in Amurica could a Disneyland robot be The Decider. I remember when Daddy took us to Disneyland when I was a teenager. The robot stood up and I said: "Dada, it’s that guy on the money! Lincoln was a great robot, who rose in power from a mere penny to a whole damn fiver. Though I have to say I liked the Teacups better, 'specially when I was drunk and coked up. So what’s this Lincoln movie about anyway? Hey, Roker, you’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie. Heh, heh, heh."</em></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyAeaJlTwK44vyuH3taaHZfEfWudkcZKKZXdnJV15SJYnLRZfNoJWqTCiQesPkcGcJ_2HAyxY-n2R3ZRMa_mlYonmdokKQ3vm-DgBYfFUcgInDDWwPnHNHk5K6PapECxZ-wNN4MPLdF6sC/s1600/animatronic-lincoln.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyAeaJlTwK44vyuH3taaHZfEfWudkcZKKZXdnJV15SJYnLRZfNoJWqTCiQesPkcGcJ_2HAyxY-n2R3ZRMa_mlYonmdokKQ3vm-DgBYfFUcgInDDWwPnHNHk5K6PapECxZ-wNN4MPLdF6sC/s640/animatronic-lincoln.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I think Spielberg's decision to cut Lincoln's nude scene was wise. Who can forget that final scene, when the robot John Wilkes Booth sneaks into Lincoln's theater box and unplugs him? "<em>Sic Semper Robotus!</em>"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So was Tina Fey in male drag and mustache to keep Clinton from hitting on her? Amy’s "That was Hilary Clinton’s husband," was funny, though she should have added: "He’s actually had his penis inside Hilary - among others."</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib_dFeIhTLTv9BFgVpppBo2elCa8v5iUKC7Xi7a0QVlG_4JYKkz31v9lzR4Afy44Lypi_qp8xzZwYGrgClUY7t9fdviTKOeKNIw56z9LAXLgdbLZgSGEgvFWnw46WsBJbnGUQ8JDPtUOrp/s1600/Amy+and+tina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="291" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib_dFeIhTLTv9BFgVpppBo2elCa8v5iUKC7Xi7a0QVlG_4JYKkz31v9lzR4Afy44Lypi_qp8xzZwYGrgClUY7t9fdviTKOeKNIw56z9LAXLgdbLZgSGEgvFWnw46WsBJbnGUQ8JDPtUOrp/s400/Amy+and+tina.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Tina does not make for a hot male, although maybe a better hairstyle would help.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So they follow a former president with two of </em><strong>SNL</strong><em>’s best alumni introducing two of </em><strong>SNL</strong><em>’s most-annoying alumni. </em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>You know, I love Hugh Jackman so much that the sight of him laughing hard at terminally unfunny Will Farrell and excruciatingly annoying Kristin Wiig’s tedious bit did not make me lose all respect for him. My esteem for him took only a very tiny, momentary dip. I thought: "Hugh’s had to suffer through Russell Crow’s ‘Singing’ in person, and repeatedly, take after take, so he’s suffered enough."</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixcqdr95gF0zMqggSirxpqgQZ6dpVVlJVR2tv6bG0VkkPZir7JeQ8HuKjp10z3TCOXytCMZvuSkENpqA0SuM7wjukbJoDh5K6O0gHWaTVuVUUQBsgvhvxK-kF0IsFOUoCqKSZ6VysepnZu/s1600/Wolverine+warbles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixcqdr95gF0zMqggSirxpqgQZ6dpVVlJVR2tv6bG0VkkPZir7JeQ8HuKjp10z3TCOXytCMZvuSkENpqA0SuM7wjukbJoDh5K6O0gHWaTVuVUUQBsgvhvxK-kF0IsFOUoCqKSZ6VysepnZu/s400/Wolverine+warbles.jpg" width="296" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A scene from <em><strong>Les X-érables</strong></em>.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">So Sarah Lawrence beat out Maggie Smith and Meryl Streep? Hell of an achievement. Who is she? I’ll give her this, she was genuinely funny, considerably funnier than Ferrell and Wiig.</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Is John Krasinski even remotely aware of how dishy he is? He just keeps getting hotter, the more so for his seeming unawareness of it.</span></em><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>You know, the big song, </em><strong>I Dreamed a Dream</strong><em>, that Anne Hathaway did in one long take, and which won her this award and has her the favorite to take the Oscar too, is knocking people out for her emotional, rip-your-heart-out, acting performance. But playing it as she walked up, just sound, so it’s just music, what you hear is an out-of-control vibrato, massive pitchiness, and an inability to sustain a note. It works as acting, but as music to listen to out-of-context, it just becomes bad singing. I may end up loving the film when I see it, but I don’t expect I’ll be buying the soundtrack album. </em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Still, Hathaway’s rendition of it is preferable to the dozens of gay twinks I’ve heard sing it in gay piano bars over the years, often musically perfect, but grinning joyously ear-to-ear as they sing about how their life was totally screwed, tone deaf to the song’s emotional content. I’m not joking. Imagine a twenty-something guy with a broad look of sheer joy on his face as he belts out "I had a dream my life would be so different from this Hell I’m living." I don’t have to imagine it; I’ve seen it, repeatedly.</em></span><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;">Quentin Tarantino won for screenplay? Ew. I had to fast-forward through his speech. I just can not bear him. At least the writer of the Torture Works movie lost.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9_gVp0SNBblQRY5AEIVuzLmQxV0EP1UXnXM2jGdxkO7T8e8cKyNk-txYM4vAmDjHww9YiNHPIJ-9VxsrTy67mgBGixa3sCUsv73LDO7MXZYavlKfloW5UcZyGqxwfeJZpYUu_b0aq6nDr/s1600/No+Tarantino.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9_gVp0SNBblQRY5AEIVuzLmQxV0EP1UXnXM2jGdxkO7T8e8cKyNk-txYM4vAmDjHww9YiNHPIJ-9VxsrTy67mgBGixa3sCUsv73LDO7MXZYavlKfloW5UcZyGqxwfeJZpYUu_b0aq6nDr/s400/No+Tarantino.jpg" width="332" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're only encouragng this creep. Plus, he thinks it's a vibrator.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Nice to see </em><strong><span style="color: red; font-size: large;">NO</span></strong><em> standing ovation for Stallone and that Nazi-spawn walking turd, Ex-Governor Shitzenegger. Indeed, the house barely seemed to applaud them. Tarantino followed almost immediately by Stallone and Shitzenegger. Well, the money I spent on my dinner was now totally wasted.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>It’s nice that they found each other so friggin’ funny, because I sure didn’t. I think I’d have even preferred a return of Will Ferrell and Kristin Wiig to marble mouth and the vile Austrian anus. (And isn’t Stallone aging horribly? Doesn’t he realize the facelifts only make him look ever more grotesque? He just gets uglier and uglier. At least Shitzenegger was always ugly.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Did they colorize</em> <strong>Kon-Tiki</strong><em>? I’m fairly certain it was in black and white when I saw it back in 1960. (And it was 10 years old then.)</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZN-xzLJ1WQwtzOkmPpMl2451POteUaFRMxo0FyvF2SjEQSiFCaVF81F60V3QuacvbvEL5igSKZd3ahgIcNlUIqHW9kMNhU1WAkBhtOY5J0J8L-DNKvjienNH1DlGmy1Od1_YS9VNgcMAO/s1600/Heyerdahl.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="310" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZN-xzLJ1WQwtzOkmPpMl2451POteUaFRMxo0FyvF2SjEQSiFCaVF81F60V3QuacvbvEL5igSKZd3ahgIcNlUIqHW9kMNhU1WAkBhtOY5J0J8L-DNKvjienNH1DlGmy1Od1_YS9VNgcMAO/s400/Heyerdahl.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">People seem to think Thor Heyerdahl and I are related or something, because all my life men have greeted me with cheerful cries of "Hi yer, doll!"</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>So did </em><strong>Amour</strong><em> actually win, or did Shitzenegger just lie to give the award to a fellow Austrian? After all, lying is all he knows how to do. (He certainly never learned acting - or governance.) If you ask him what time it is and he says "Eweven o’cwock," it’s probably 3:30.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Nice to be reminded that Sacha Baron Cohen can still actually be funny. He was so annoying in </em><strong>Hugo</strong><em>, and so not-funny in </em><strong>The Dictator</strong><em>, I was beginning to forget that </em><strong>Borat</strong><em> had made me laugh harder than almost anything else I’ve ever seen.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Speaking of funny, Aziz Ansari was hilarious. "I can’t feel my ears" may have been the funniest line of the evening in context. (Am I weird for thinking he’s kind of cute?)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Was that guy Lena Dunham hugged on her way up to get her award the nerdishly adorable guy in </em><strong>Fun</strong><em>? You know, Jack Antonoff</em></span>.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEmaMve7upDJev3U-aGoWnqkEAz3MIeT2FhOQKL8RhfnyCO__2v0IZJnrG-H0UGoiu-bqQcj-Ml-Utn1s6W1uB16xX6C3McAS64bVjQOav9UqWZL6kJ6_mtItCF0UdurRHKwYrl2XsrH_q/s1600/Anton+off.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="321" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEmaMve7upDJev3U-aGoWnqkEAz3MIeT2FhOQKL8RhfnyCO__2v0IZJnrG-H0UGoiu-bqQcj-Ml-Utn1s6W1uB16xX6C3McAS64bVjQOav9UqWZL6kJ6_mtItCF0UdurRHKwYrl2XsrH_q/s400/Anton+off.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jack Antonoff? Well, I really don't know Anton well enough.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Robert Downey Jr’s line: "The Cecil B. DeMille Award says every bit as much about the presenter as it does the recipient," made me laugh so hard I almost forgave him for kissing Mel Gibson – but </em><strong>only</strong><em> "almost."</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Oh dear. The tribute to Jodie Foster. Uck. Look, Jodie is a pretty good actress, clearly intelligent and educated. I ought to respect and admire her. Why don’t I? Well, first off, she needs to reign in her giant ego. Secondly, she needs, really, really </em><strong>needs</strong><em>, to </em><strong>stop</strong><em> hanging out with and butt-kissing that walking turd, that vile piece of garbage, Mel Shitbrain Gibson. And finally, she needs actually to come out. Her jokey near-come out bit, which depended for its alleged "humor" on the fact that everyone there and across America already knows she’s a Lesbian, was offensive. To take the courageous public coming outs of braver performers than she, like Neal Patrick Harris, John Barrowman, Rosie O’Donnell, Ellen Degeneris, Greg Louganis, Ricky Martin, Dan Butler, Richard Chamberlin, Chris Colfer, Rupert Everett (Who shares little Dougie’s and my birthday), Jessie Tyler Ferguson, Harvey Fierstein, Malcolm Gets, John Glover, Zachary Quinto, Cheyenne Jackson, Sir Ian McKellan, Sir Derek Jacobi, T.R, Knight, Leslie Jordan, Adam Lambert, Nathan Lane, Matt Lucas, David Hyde Pierce, George Takai, BD Wong, Graham Chapman, David Ogden Stiers, Roger Rees, Graham Norton, Simon Callow, and Jim Parsons, and then equate them to Honey Boo Boo was </em><strong>mind-bogglingly offensive</strong><em> and insulting to all these people whose asses she is not worthy to wash. Jodie Foster, you coward, go away. Go play with that vile piece of garbage - </em><strong>HOMOPHOBIC</strong><em> garbage - Mel Gibson.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjwvHdBtL4P7XxEuV982Z1LWb9nBVn17KIp6FVV3zo3KcWwz9KcTFVXc5u3rFReljXETEOWtqXJxHKaxhk7UansqSSSY-CHaXlj2W0hffvVRh-gaDlTlFIRopLrcm0sNfbHcJTevGn9BUJ/s1600/Mel+looks+back.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="296" jea="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjwvHdBtL4P7XxEuV982Z1LWb9nBVn17KIp6FVV3zo3KcWwz9KcTFVXc5u3rFReljXETEOWtqXJxHKaxhk7UansqSSSY-CHaXlj2W0hffvVRh-gaDlTlFIRopLrcm0sNfbHcJTevGn9BUJ/s400/Mel+looks+back.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The younger, prettier Mel Gibson looks back to the future to the days when his inner ugliness finds its way to the surface So he's revolting now outside and in.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I’ll tell you what did give me pride and hope and tears: my first draft of that list of openly gay performers was </em><strong>FOUR TIMES AS LONG!!!</strong><em> They are the brave ones. Jodie is the smug, self-satisfied coward, hanging with that asshole Gibson.</em><br /><br /><em>Oh well, the cowardly bitch looked great. Lovely exterior, revolting interior.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>I don’t know if Ben Affleck was actually the Best Director of those nominees, but he sure was the Best Looking Director. And I think his beard looks great also.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Big Ben apparently does great work behind the camera. He certainly works well in front of it.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Jimmy Fallon and Jay Leno’s bit was funny, which is odd since Jay Leno was in it. (30 years ago, I thought Jay a very, very funny man, and admired him offstage as well as on. I knew him slightly in those days. These days, not so much. He’s been pandering to the lowest common denominator, and kissing the asses of the right-wing - He did more than anyone to gift us with Governor Shtizenegger - for the better part of two decades now, and my respect for him has drained away.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Notice how Christian Bale’s mere presence can suck all the life out of a room? He’s talented, but ... Well, baleful. He's still more morose, grouchy Batman than charming-man-about-town Bruce Wayne.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Ben Affleck had his beard finish his speech for him two awards later. That’s a new strategy.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>My Godless, Bill Murray looked like he’d been in a fist-fight in the parking lot. Bill darling, I admire the heck out of you. You’re incredibly talented and hilarious with, it seems, a still-expanding range, and I know you like to play with your crafted image as a gifted eccentric, but really. You knew you were going to be on TV. At least wash your face, and maybe 30 seconds with a hairbrush would not be a waste either.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Was there an award for Best Looking Actor in the World? No? Well then, Hugh Jackman should get a second award, but I loved that he won what he did. He won my heart some time back.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>They made Hugh Jackman </em><strong>AUDITION</strong><em> to play Jean Valjean? Why? The instant I first heard that Hugh had been cast in that role I said: "Of course! Perfect! Ideal casting! Born to the role!" Colm Wilkinson, whom I saw play it on Broadway 25 years ago, is now too old for the part, but they could not do better than Hugh. His whole career has been an audition for that role. Did they audition Russell Crowe? If so, why is he in the movie? They should have said to him: "Thank you for coming in, Mr. Crowe. </em><strong>NEXT</strong><em>!" </em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>In his speech Hugh said: "A lot of you know my wife" (Is that "Know" in the Biblical sense?) "She’s the greatest woman in the world." </em></span><br />
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<span style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><strong><span style="font-size: large;">OH MY DOG! I’M MRS. HUGH JACKMAN!!!</span> </strong></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My newest husband. If you think you're surprised, think how surprised I was! Let's get this stupid awards show over so Huge and I can get to the honemoon.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>You know this is not the first, nor the second, nor even the seventh time I’ve woken up and found I’d acquired a new husband during a blackout, but of all my surprise husbands, Hugh is definitely the best! My drunken haze taste is improving. So when do we get to the honeymoon, darling? I’ll show you a </em><strong>Lay Misérable</strong><em> you’ll never forget. </em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Hugh’s little dig at Ben Affleck for having his beard finish his speech later was a lovely ad lib. Good grief, he’s a fine actor, a wonderful singer, idiotically over-handsome, sex on toast, kind, considerate, decorative, hyper-charming, humble (Ever tried that, Jodie? I mean genuine humbleness, not a fake display of false modesty) willing to tell a polite lie to spare someone’s feelings (He thanked Russell Crowe after all, I assume for not succeeding in totally sinking the movie), and now it turns out he can also be funny and witty off-the-cuff! Does Hugh Jackman have any flaws at all? Even one tiny one? Tell me he leaves the cap off the tooth paste or the toilet seat up, anything. I’m grasping for at least one flaw, just to make him human.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Well, if they’re going to blank out Jeremy Renner’s off-the-cuff foul language, they need to be faster on the button. "Shit" sailed through clear as a bell before the sound went silent. Al Roker probably thought Renner was giving him a direction and immediately befouled the Press Room. Basically, Renner had a verbal shart.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Is his name "Renner" or "Rimmer"?</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Dustin Hoffman worked a plug for the movie he’s directed into his reading of nominees. That’s a real, old-time Hollywood pro for you, always flogging the product. Dustin was on Letterman quite recently to plug </em><strong>Quartet</strong><em>. He described the film in a manner that made it sound deadly dull. He realized this and tried back-pedaling, assuring the audience that it was not deadly dull or stultifyingly boring. Then he ran a clip from it that not only was deadly dull, but actually managed the rare achievement of being a gigantic snooze despite Maggie Smith being in the clip! Do you know how hard it is to make Maggie Smith boring? That takes work. (Dustin, directing his first movie at age 75, must be the oldest first-time movie director ever.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>When</em> <strong>Les Misérables</strong><em> won Best Comedy (When I think "Comedy," I think </em><strong>Les Misérables)</strong><em>, Musical or Flea Circus, I thought, Jeeze, it’s the 1987 Tony Awards all over again. (And then I began singing along with the cast.)</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>To the producer of</em> <strong>Les Miz</strong> <em>who was surprised to find he was being played off "already": First off, you had Anne Hathaway taking some of your time to continue her speech (A new awards show trend: serialized acceptance speeches), and then, I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you speak</em> <strong>REALLY sloooooooowly</strong><em>. Did you listen to Ben Affleck race through his speech? That’s how you say a lot in a short amount of time.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>(And Anne, I know you’re excited and all, but taking your producer’s time to extend your own personal time in the spotlight is about as rudely self-involved a blunder as you could commit. "Yes, our movie won, but let’s listen to </em><strong>ME</strong><em> some more! I haven't thanked my plumber yet, or my fifth grade teacher.")</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Jessica Chastain is such a fine actress that I was ok with her win, even if it meant an award going to the Hurray For Torture movie.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Now I’ve seen everything. The band actually had the gall to play off Abraham Lincoln! Oh well, better than shooting him.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>Well, they often say that the Golden Globs are predictors of The Oscars. Not this year. The Best Director winner isn’t even nominated for the Oscar, and this also means that </em><strong>Argo</strong><em> hasn’t got a prayer of winning Best Picture. So will</em> <strong>Les Miz</strong> <em>take Best Picture next month? Will they do a sequel to </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em>, like</em> <strong>Lincoln II, The Reconstruction</strong> <em>- "This time it’s personal!" or</em> <strong>Lincoln: The Man, The Robot, The Car, The Penny! </strong><em>BTW, there is almost no truth the rumor that Abe Lincoln's body, before being placed into his coffin, was wrapped in a giant bank penny wrapper.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: small;"><em>If I have a major complaint about the program it’s that there wasn’t enough of Tina and Amy. But then, is there ever? Cheers darlings.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ben before he got plump and covered his shoulders with ugly tattoos. Why would you tattoo such a lovely body? Talk about "Gilding the lily."</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-83878549136042400032013-01-10T22:34:00.001-08:002013-01-11T00:47:06.472-08:00"It's an Honor Just to be Nominated." Or Is It?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The Oscar nominations were announced this morning. As usual, I was snubbed. Their pathetic excuse was that I haven't been in a movie since 1969. That might hold water except that they never nominated me when I was making films, so that's just a dodge. At least this year, I'm in good company with other snubees like Kathryn Bigelowe and Ben Affleck. "Yes, we're nominating </em><strong>Argo</strong><em> for Best Picture, but as for its acclaimed director; argo fuck yourself, Affleck," said the Academy.</em></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>Having 97 Best Picture nominations is a pretty meaningless waste of time, especially with still only 5 Best Director nominees. It's like those schools that pass everyone, and only give out "A"s, so no kid ever feels inferior. Result? They learn nothing and end up being actually inferior, as well as not learning how to cope with failure. When did "Self-Esteem" become more important than actually learning stuff in school? What is this? Texas? </em></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia;"><em>Face it, Ben and Kathryn, if they didn't nominate the director, then they have no intention of giving your movie any awards. This year </em><strong>Zero Dark Thirty</strong><em>, or as we like to call it, the "Hurray for Torture" movie, will win squat.</em></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>Frankly, it would save time just to list the films </em><strong>NOT</strong><em> nominated for Best Picture, which is pretty much just </em><strong>Hitchcock, Skyfall</strong><em> and </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em>, which are almost the only movies I saw in theaters this year. Well, I did also see </em><strong>Dark Shadows</strong><em>, and the RSC production of </em><strong>Frankenstein</strong><em> with Benedict Cumberbatch, and I mean to catch </em><strong>Les Misérables</strong><em>, because I </em><strong>LOVE</strong><em> the stage musical of it. Plus, I'll gladly spend three hours staring at Hugh Jackman doing almost anything.</em></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Denzel, Bradley and Joaquin, don't worry about your speeches. This is a two-horse race: Hugh Jackman and Daniel Day-Lewis. </em><strong>Go Hugh!</strong></span></span> <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know who has my vote!</td></tr>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Django Unchained</strong><em> for Best Picture? Really? Oh well. That gore-loving hack Tarantino was not nominated for Best Director, so it's not going to win anything. <span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" id=".reactRoot[62].[1][2][1]{comment397031900391196_66127317}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2]"><span class="UFICommentBody" id=".reactRoot[62].[1][2][1]{comment397031900391196_66127317}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0"><span id=".reactRoot[62].[1][2][1]{comment397031900391196_66127317}.0.[1].0.[1].0.[0].[0][2].0.[0]"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tarantino, in all of his trashy, overpraised films, wallows in ugliness for its own sake. And for the merchandising of his new comedy violence-porn trash flick, he's outdone himself. Toy slaves for your kiddies to play with! Now Tarantino has an excuse; he's a hackish dweeb who thinks he's cool when he's actually clueless, but what is Harvey Weinstein's excuse?</span></span></span></span></em></span></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Toy Slaves! Be sure also to get Barbie's Malibu Dream Plantation and Slave Quarters. Collect and flog the entire set. (Soon to include toy attack dogs to rip your slave dolls apart.)</td></tr>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> was nominated for "Best Adapted Screenplay." Excuse me, but </em><strong>what</strong><em> is it "adapted" from? Yes, they used historical sources, and that book by that Goodwin woman who thinks of Disney's robot Lincoln as a high-tech sextoy, but </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> is an </em><strong>ORIGINAL</strong><em> screenplay by Tony Kushner. Why is it nominated for "Adapted Screenplay"? From the title, it sounds like it's adapted from </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em> by Gore Vidal, a great novel (the only kind Gore wrote) that was already adapted (As "</em><strong>Gore Vidal's Lincoln</strong><em>") with Mary Tyler Moore as Mary Tyler Lincoln and Sam Waterston as the robot.</em></span></span><br />
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>And just why wasn't </em><strong>Tallyho, Tallulah!</strong><em> nominated for Best Original Novel by a Movie Star? Unlike </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em>, you don't know how it ends before it even starts.</em></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Quvenzhané Wallis is nominated for Best Actress. Quite apart from the silliness of thinking a 9 year old child can take Best Actress from Jessica Chastain, the fact is that a presenter on opening the envelope and seeing the name "Quvenzhané Wallis," will probably just announce "Naomi Watts" rather than struggle on live TV trying to figure out how to pronounce "Quvenzhané." (Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Wallis, what was wrong with "Donna" or "Mary" or "Jane" or "Tallulah," nice, easy-to-pronounce, normal girl names? Names people can say.)</em></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Best Supporting Actor is one of the most talent-packed categories I've ever seen: Alan Arkin, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Robert DeNiro, Tommy Lee Jones and Christoph Waltz. </em><strong>ALL FIVE</strong><em> of them already have Oscars! Who can choose between them? All are great actors, and none of them are very shaggable anymore. (And Hoffman never was.)</em></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Hitchcock</strong><em> received only one nomination (and that one was a stretch), for Best Make-Up. Basically, they were nominated for giving Sir Anthony Hopkins an additional chin. Don't hold your breath waiting for it to beat out </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em> for that award. In any event, it sure wasn't going to win Best Adapted Screenplay.</em></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><strong>Kon-Tiki</strong><em> was nominated for Best Foreign Language film? But it was made in 1950! Why is it only nominated now, 63 years later? Who remakes documentaries anyway?</em></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Not surprisingly, there was no Best Song nomination for </em><strong>Lincoln</strong><em>. </em><strong>The Battle Hymn of the Republic</strong><em> was a pre-existing tune, and the title song from </em><strong>Our American Cousin</strong><em> just isn't all that catchy. Maybe if Adele had sung it...</em></span></span></div>
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<span class="userContent"><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;">Anyway, I'll have much more to say on the Oscars after the Oscarcast next month.</span></em></span><br />
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<span class="userContent"><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;">Oh, and today would have been the 74th birthday of Sal Mineo, if only that scumbucket mugger hadn't murdered him 37 years ago. The bloom would be off his youthful beauty by now, but I wish we all had gotten to know how he would look at 74.</span></em></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfQVb7uDspn2DlwdNWMMWZcqL37qxBeFX13IbvkxgRoGhWXmpErfX7vtGOmqbfeUktYxwBre6KRqdjNDxfod1J8iwKFIMyFM1cC1CtgMFkH8Mz0IU71dVXiN29I_navL-63jC1INndDjnQ/s1600/Sal+shows+it.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfQVb7uDspn2DlwdNWMMWZcqL37qxBeFX13IbvkxgRoGhWXmpErfX7vtGOmqbfeUktYxwBre6KRqdjNDxfod1J8iwKFIMyFM1cC1CtgMFkH8Mz0IU71dVXiN29I_navL-63jC1INndDjnQ/s400/Sal+shows+it.jpg" width="307" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sal Mineo in his Oscar-nominated performance for <em><strong>Exodus</strong></em>. This beautiful man could have made me go on an exodus to where ever he was.</td></tr>
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<span class="userContent"><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;">Cheers, darlings.</span></em></span></div>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-64449147673911637392012-12-23T00:01:00.000-08:002012-12-25T17:18:21.753-08:00Merry Mayan Apocalypse & a Happy No Year.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijt17xDeJXv6VAgF3Qh2rVQWca0R9YgW01dsSuGtl46mbuuuZmg3iwgi2QA2YALjvU2ciXNajzJlpAUXatgD1FIRtXzlsgyxPisJGrw2pHUYoJRNu5PdLKxYzQoLuHs1tYHPvb46CuoIlL/s1600/Tallu+Greets+Xmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijt17xDeJXv6VAgF3Qh2rVQWca0R9YgW01dsSuGtl46mbuuuZmg3iwgi2QA2YALjvU2ciXNajzJlpAUXatgD1FIRtXzlsgyxPisJGrw2pHUYoJRNu5PdLKxYzQoLuHs1tYHPvb46CuoIlL/s400/Tallu+Greets+Xmas.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, I have been nicely naughty.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Oh, it's the bloody holidays again. Well, why write new stuff for Christmas? No one else does. What's on TV all week? The billionth repeat of </em><strong>Charlie Brown's Christmas.</strong><em> Darlings, Charlie Brown is on Social Security. He's almost 70. </em><strong>How The Grinch Stole Christmas</strong><em>. No, not the unbearable Jim Carrey horror movie (Though that is on, if you know any children you really hate!), but the delightful animated version starring my ex-husband Boris Karloff. Darlings, Boris has been dead for over 40 years. The show still airs every December! Also on, the hundred billionth repeat of Frank Crapra's </em><strong>It's a Maudlin Life</strong><em> with Jimmy Stewart. That picture was shot 100 years ago. For everyone in that movie these days, </em><strong>It's a Wonderful Death</strong><em>, because they are all dead, and if I ever have to sit through that movie again, I'll kill myself too. If an angel had ever shown Crapra what Life would have been like if he'd never been born, he'd have seen that no one ever made this movie, and the world was full of a lot fewer bored people every Christmas.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAILd2OXdL4Imzil9jIMfgk0ciilEm1pYOyfzmeWO2Qc2_uc1fRF-_W6vbJ8sZ4HdaXz5G3D-O4q9vRySVd-b6VlJLbMbGO0GFHF8pAzm7v9H4dGM4mVtz_SMhl1KupbY9Vnhwkmo7NmwN/s1600/Charlie+Brown+Apocalypse.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAILd2OXdL4Imzil9jIMfgk0ciilEm1pYOyfzmeWO2Qc2_uc1fRF-_W6vbJ8sZ4HdaXz5G3D-O4q9vRySVd-b6VlJLbMbGO0GFHF8pAzm7v9H4dGM4mVtz_SMhl1KupbY9Vnhwkmo7NmwN/s400/Charlie+Brown+Apocalypse.jpg" width="310" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Charlie Brown Christmas show is a bit "edgier" this year.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>What else is on? Repeats of all the Christmas shows that have been on every single year since the manger in Bethlehem. (If we pretend for a moment that the Christmas Fable is actually true, and is not what it so obviously actually is, a myth. Hint: Virgins don't get pregnant. Believe me, I tried that one on my mother a century ago and even she wasn't stupid enough to fall for it.) </em><strong>Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer</strong><em> (Had a nip or two have you Rudy? Me too.), </em><strong>The Little Bummer Boy, Rudolph the Big-Dicked Pornstar, Miracle on 34th Street, A Christmas Story</strong><em>, and of course, 8000 different versions of </em><strong>A Christmas Carol</strong><em>. Much as I love Charlie Dickens (And I might add, he adored me), how many times can I see that same exact story? Who is your favorite Scrooge? Alastair Sim? Albert Finney? George C. Scott? (George, here's a note that obviously your director was afraid to give you: Scrooge is supposed to be English. You might at least have thought about </em><strong>trying</strong><em> an English accent) Sir Patrick Stewart? Mr. Magoo? Scrooge McDuck? Paul Ryan?</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvmmAHitEmi3ycHlqj4-VQOAdsSEKRSB8WCC6fUJ_YzUcEkJKxLg4nhIOPMg0hxjBeczt5OFfKWJ86rknMoOkUItCVTXukOvC-nngCI2rmijeAeeXzKh4JHGLZNeK8GUhx6m9tf5IukRlo/s1600/Scrooges.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvmmAHitEmi3ycHlqj4-VQOAdsSEKRSB8WCC6fUJ_YzUcEkJKxLg4nhIOPMg0hxjBeczt5OFfKWJ86rknMoOkUItCVTXukOvC-nngCI2rmijeAeeXzKh4JHGLZNeK8GUhx6m9tf5IukRlo/s400/Scrooges.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Again, Jim Carrey does <em><strong>not</strong></em> make my cut. The duck scores over Jim.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Not that there's nothing new. We do get a fresh </em><strong>Doctor Who</strong><em> Christmas special, </em><strong>Doctor Who and the Snowmen</strong><em>. At last, a reason to look forward to Christmas! After all, it was, of course, The Doctor who saved us from the Mayan Apocalypse. (The world was supposed to end on a Friday? Clearly it was a mischisel. They didn't mean to chisel "End of the World"; they mean to chisel "End of the Week.")</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggHw-v67I7xRzI7GgVbAKIfmncMh141HgM0oHsf2ygQiY3z8rQQnAvP6O3hyUy3b12FyFebrBu5B9oBETgNE59qVxMUvJQl5_GY65qUkEXQDajTiPpw26O8culboqgHlgE49u_T7lJAhKH/s1600/Doc+Xmas+2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggHw-v67I7xRzI7GgVbAKIfmncMh141HgM0oHsf2ygQiY3z8rQQnAvP6O3hyUy3b12FyFebrBu5B9oBETgNE59qVxMUvJQl5_GY65qUkEXQDajTiPpw26O8culboqgHlgE49u_T7lJAhKH/s400/Doc+Xmas+2012.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our 2012 Christmas present from the BBC.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So let's dip into my bag of familiar annual Christmas postings.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><em><span style="color: purple;"></span></em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>First, of course, our Mel Gibson classic. After all, what says "Peace on Earth, Good Will Towards Men" more than Mel Gibson ranting against Jews?</em></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQh4snS5gGsHLXHYnGebtndRo2h5fGaPILtwD_UQji8lJzyIQaGS2vRVpv6OGH6-uIYgOkUGAQ9Q_Fme_bgGtldNCjh0mqdCED5bsOarMjGg9M16cDh2xnWl_iDmDbnfbAw5Mour_8L_5q/s1600/Sandy+Claws.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQh4snS5gGsHLXHYnGebtndRo2h5fGaPILtwD_UQji8lJzyIQaGS2vRVpv6OGH6-uIYgOkUGAQ9Q_Fme_bgGtldNCjh0mqdCED5bsOarMjGg9M16cDh2xnWl_iDmDbnfbAw5Mour_8L_5q/s400/Sandy+Claws.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">One of these guys is only a nightmare before Christmas; the other is a nightmare all year long.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>The Passion of the Elf </strong></span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>by Inclement Clarke Morehead</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">'Twas the night before Christmas, all through Morehead Heights</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Not a creature was stirring, 'cept deep in my tights;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">My pantyhose hung by the chimney with Nair,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">In hopes that Huge Jackman soon would be there;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The vodka was nestled all snug in my head,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">While visions of sugar-tits made my legs spread;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Like me in my turban, the brave with no head,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Had just gone to sleep, or perhaps we were dead.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">When outside my skull there arose such a clatter,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I fell out of bed to see what was the matter.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Away to the window I crawled like a flash,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Tore open the shutters and threw up my hash.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Then mooning my breasts from my new-fallen pants,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Gave the luster of porn to my sagging implants.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">When what to my blurry red eye there appears,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">But some really big gay, and eight quite tiny queers,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And a little old driver, so drunken and glib, son,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I knew in a moment it must be Mel Gibson.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">More rapid than virgins, his coursers they came,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And he humped them, and shouted, and cursed them by name;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"Now, Flasher! Pole Dancer! Fag Prancer, you Vixen!</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">On Slutty! On Trampy! On Scrotum and Nixon!</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">To the top of her porch! To the top of her house!</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Now dash away! Dash away! Tear off her blouse!"</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">As dry heaves that before the wild hurricane barf,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I can’t get these stains off my lovely headscarf.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Up to my house-top they flew just like Krypto,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">With the drunken old fool who made Apocalypto.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And then, in a flash, I heard on my ceiling,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The horrible sound of my juices congealing.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">When I stuck out my butt, to show my endzone,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Down my chimney Mel Gibson came hard, with a groan.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">He was painted bright blue, and was covered with gore,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And he smiled and he laughed and he called me a whore;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">A bundle of buttplugs was flung on his back.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">He was stinking of gin, my aphrodisiac.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">His eyes -- how they watered! His dimples -- how sexy!</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I don’t know why he gives the Jews apoplexy.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">His wet drooling mouth was drawn up like a bow,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And the beard on his chin was as yellow as snow;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The stump of a leg he held tight in his teeth,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And the blood it encircled his head like a wreath;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">He had a broad face, narrow mind, and round belly,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">That shook when he raved, like petroleum jelly.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">He was skinny and drunk, a right smelly old elf,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I got damp when I smelt him, in spite of myself;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">A wink of his eye and a twist of his knob,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And his purple-eyed warrior started to throb.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">He spoke not a word, but just started to jerk,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And soon stained my poster of Young Captain Kirk.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Then shoving his finger inside of his nose,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And giving a prod, up my chimney he rose;</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">He soon gave his team a quite mean disemboweling,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And then filmed their deaths, as they all lay there howling.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Last I heard him exclaim the incredible news,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"Happy Christmas to all. Now go kill some Jews."</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg52YXdfn4fPNm5EIfFH7s6mZdLXBLzUj-ea_TE9uxU_McIPZW2wRhUKK-Ed3RqFNEvjoUtkeXTWj31l1oiG6mM_ZQwK8fNxWrNAmzEX1x70sKvjkQYgcwyd-tUKplBv_G4FhhUnEtO9wrH/s1600/Mel+Flies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="308" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg52YXdfn4fPNm5EIfFH7s6mZdLXBLzUj-ea_TE9uxU_McIPZW2wRhUKK-Ed3RqFNEvjoUtkeXTWj31l1oiG6mM_ZQwK8fNxWrNAmzEX1x70sKvjkQYgcwyd-tUKplBv_G4FhhUnEtO9wrH/s400/Mel+Flies.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">When Mel says "Ho, ho, ho!" He's not laughing; he's ording a date or three from an escort service.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">What is more Christmassy than Utah, where the Mormon Church shows its love for everyone by contributing money and activism to deprive gay people from having the right to marry. After all, who knows more about "Traditional Marriage" than a man married to 12 women, most of them teenage cousins of his? This past year they tried to take over the entire country by installing one of their most odious members as President. They failed spectacularly. Ho, ho, ho indeed!</span></em><br />
<em><br /><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"></span></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Little Dougie's family was Mormon on his dad's side, so nothing says "Christmas" to him more than fending off Mormons. So let's all sing that lovely song from</span></em> <strong><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Meet Me in Salt Lake City</span></strong><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">:</span></em><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Have yourself a very Mormon Christmas,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Make your loafers light.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">From now on our homos will be out of sight.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><span style="color: purple;"></span></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Have yourself a very Mormon Christmas.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Make the Yuletide gay.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If they'd won, our weddings would be wiped away.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><span style="color: purple;"></span></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Here we are, what a pity,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Salt Lake City,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Oh wow.</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Faith-based friends who are queer for us,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Can't be near to us,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">They vow.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><span style="color: purple;"></span></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Some day soon the courts will all resolve this,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">If the Latter-Day Saints allow,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">But till then, tell Brigham Young to screw a cow,</span><br />
<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And have yourself a very Mormon Christmas now.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieopiO61eUdk7Lii6Gf4GXw8K7XFQAR_i7VCwgXz1S3sT0xyTWBjIbsAfNQwAAftTa72Wf9lCMhRYZLC3oRFhj5eh07vVWoHYGka8CHPY0IsP5E1NYfjSHuuZyx2cgPNSg3whn-3vwAm6v/s1600/Real+Christmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieopiO61eUdk7Lii6Gf4GXw8K7XFQAR_i7VCwgXz1S3sT0xyTWBjIbsAfNQwAAftTa72Wf9lCMhRYZLC3oRFhj5eh07vVWoHYGka8CHPY0IsP5E1NYfjSHuuZyx2cgPNSg3whn-3vwAm6v/s400/Real+Christmas.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That's Little Dougie, his mother and his sister Gretchen on Christmas 1955. The night before, this room was stuffed full of Mormons.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So, what would be the perfect Christmas gift for everyone on your Christmas list? You guessed it!</span></em><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVEpGYnjZx3Dcg4z1kah_lJfF2j6LBfKFUExGKsCmIDI7TzbuW6rmzh14KHs3HDpiIoy5hh6v-5iBCfz9ZjVRLT3hG0MHZkXKYbzFK7kKhyphenhyphen007cGUjTbsQR_5-Ldf4a5R_uKxGbMdYbTgY/s1600/Tallyho+for+Xmas.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVEpGYnjZx3Dcg4z1kah_lJfF2j6LBfKFUExGKsCmIDI7TzbuW6rmzh14KHs3HDpiIoy5hh6v-5iBCfz9ZjVRLT3hG0MHZkXKYbzFK7kKhyphenhyphen007cGUjTbsQR_5-Ldf4a5R_uKxGbMdYbTgY/s400/Tallyho+for+Xmas.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><em><strong>Tallyho, Tallulah!</strong></em> all takes place in the summer, so it will make you feel nice and warm on a cold winter evening.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So darlings, I'm your Auntie Christ, keeping the Christ out of Christmas. On behalf of myself, Little Dougie, the Headless Indian Brave, Eduardo my gardener's son, and everyone here at Morehead Heights, I'm wishing a very happy holiday to all of you little people sitting out there, in the dark, watching me, and touching yourselves.</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><em><span style="color: purple;"></span></em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Cheers, darlings!</em></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheQwCqODlXXAd0QT8GqYaMQAzgzy9E-UqkiCx1R6gGcSwLA8BmOGSA3OcWcxGjUl1kd6GMx4-edysavm0zJCj_YzzypnJ2GsPAhZwWFL-Cpi7u7aAdjIruQX9uJYpyEm2iOcgO4eNpz_59/s1600/Happy+Holidays.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheQwCqODlXXAd0QT8GqYaMQAzgzy9E-UqkiCx1R6gGcSwLA8BmOGSA3OcWcxGjUl1kd6GMx4-edysavm0zJCj_YzzypnJ2GsPAhZwWFL-Cpi7u7aAdjIruQX9uJYpyEm2iOcgO4eNpz_59/s400/Happy+Holidays.jpg" width="308" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Welcome to the Mayan Afterworld!</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-52420506545327665502012-12-18T23:10:00.000-08:002012-12-22T22:29:33.758-08:00Hobbit-Forming Movies.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOzpNFb-XuM9GKdymhHfRhpvrgzTk7_NTVzHbFVVXw39gAwWoIXhkihF_60hoA28fpjrfcmpOZk28GGCWb5jdn6MxROK7wTtR0y5ITtFECJImDfCM7EtLwAI2wybPNwhDU9G_nb8QmbbDr/s1600/Bilbo+looks+out.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOzpNFb-XuM9GKdymhHfRhpvrgzTk7_NTVzHbFVVXw39gAwWoIXhkihF_60hoA28fpjrfcmpOZk28GGCWb5jdn6MxROK7wTtR0y5ITtFECJImDfCM7EtLwAI2wybPNwhDU9G_nb8QmbbDr/s400/Bilbo+looks+out.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The road goes ever on and on,<br />
Down from my door where it began.<br />
Now far ahead the road has gone,<br />
And I must follow if I can."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Little Dougie took me on Peter Jackson's new amusement park thrill-ride the other da--- What, Dougie? Oh. Dougie tells me it wasn't a ride, just a movie called </em><strong>The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey</strong><em>, but since we saw it in 48 frames-per-second 3-D, it looked so real, I thought I was there. Probably just as well I wasn't. That place is more dangerous than passing out at one of Lionel Atwill's parties.</em></span><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;">Anyway, I really loved it. At the end of the three hours, I wanted three more hours.</span></em><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Did you know I was in </em><strong>The Lord of the Rings</strong><em>? I was, but I was cut from the theatrical release version, and from the extended DVD edition, and from the still-upcoming, super-extended, hyper-long, extra-inclusive Red, White and Blu-Ray DVD version which is 24 hours long. "I just have no room to shove you in." Peter told me, although that's not what I said to him on a certain moonlit night in Aukland, when Peter fell prey to my charms, and I to his. Hobbit sex can be wild!</em></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-8B8v_Xn3TBqCWQzh5D_mmKbBLdnsR3TFZOttYIQjHV79-V8XFZvqw-_tiKeYBRDz3qLKAKhyykPA5iqdS2iIlPVhoJXq6f7pLTF_Nej1uAjfpxe7-bCo8qEZfRGH0eRjHCpIeBs-pCc9/s1600/Tallulah+in+Elvish.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="111" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-8B8v_Xn3TBqCWQzh5D_mmKbBLdnsR3TFZOttYIQjHV79-V8XFZvqw-_tiKeYBRDz3qLKAKhyykPA5iqdS2iIlPVhoJXq6f7pLTF_Nej1uAjfpxe7-bCo8qEZfRGH0eRjHCpIeBs-pCc9/s400/Tallulah+in+Elvish.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Tallulah Morehead" in Tolkien's Elvish writing.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><em><span style="color: purple;"></span></em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I was originally cast as Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ, the elvin camp-follower. I am appointed by Elrond (Played by the same actor who impersonated me in his drag act in </em><strong>Priscilla, Queen of the Desert</strong><em>. He worshipped me!) to accompany the Fellowship of the Ring, assisting the fellows with their Male Needs along the road. Here I am seen accepting the charge of the Ring-Bearer. (Everybody on the set talked this way.)</em></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkvi7A3Dc3_73T5GUuhVIZFxOREX1QPv4dXWiFVzCvs4DP8_sIXe3A3q3-5kfvzTmoZ3Tl5zbRzB3pG_dAjbvA2qetp2K6auDETHtalCqh5rxmD-ck4GzVItdHvdLlFZbMceJ2q3MJByuk/s1600/Tallu+at+Elrond's.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkvi7A3Dc3_73T5GUuhVIZFxOREX1QPv4dXWiFVzCvs4DP8_sIXe3A3q3-5kfvzTmoZ3Tl5zbRzB3pG_dAjbvA2qetp2K6auDETHtalCqh5rxmD-ck4GzVItdHvdLlFZbMceJ2q3MJByuk/s400/Tallu+at+Elrond's.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Speaking of rings, I think at one time or another I was married to every one of these guys.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So in the original cut that no one ever saw (Except one film editor, who begged for the boon of being blinded afterwards. After seeing my performance, he preferred losing his eyes, to their ever seeing lesser sights. The tributes a star receives are strange indeed. I sent him a sweet note on an autographed picture, but he never wrote back), I am the tenth member of the fellowship, with tender scenes of relieving each member's member, easing their burdens by taking their loads from them at the end of each day, caressing Gandalf's magic staff (You could probe a Balrog with that rod! Look at the all the virgin boys at their computers, reading that, and typing "LOL, LOL" instead of laughing), restoring Aragorn's "Broken" sword, role-playing as Legolas's personal quiver, being probed for information by the Horn of Boromir, and two minutes each for three of the hobbits, and then half an hour for Sam Gamgee. Little Sean is a plump hottie.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em></em></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidyJCSbSfxpehs7W5GZhhoV73ANM3tWjG58q1jo1tHR5KFIbKbjMkxkkZaf4E9ssTaotWWRgPHCb_13ZekqJDQzcNuwqwmMcY8uvmGok8QKpFTboB3ZyTeJbnYRsuMjZTfmcklVdAEJAPU/s1600/Tallu's+Fellowship.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEidyJCSbSfxpehs7W5GZhhoV73ANM3tWjG58q1jo1tHR5KFIbKbjMkxkkZaf4E9ssTaotWWRgPHCb_13ZekqJDQzcNuwqwmMcY8uvmGok8QKpFTboB3ZyTeJbnYRsuMjZTfmcklVdAEJAPU/s400/Tallu's+Fellowship.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Well, the Moria, the merrier.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /><em><span style="color: purple;"></span></em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>"What about Gimli the Dwarf?" a few of you virgin fanboys with no life ask. Please! Do I look desperate enough to have sex with a dwarf? I'm only 115, not 1115. Remember the dialogue in the extended DVD version of </em><strong>The Two Towers</strong><em>, when Gimli admits that dwarf women look exactly like dwarf men, and Aragorn adds "It's the beards."? Get a clue boys; Gimli is a </em><strong>GIRL!</strong><em> Frankly, when I order a gimlet, I expect something a lot more appetizing to be delivered than John Rhys-Davies on his knees. Besides, I was playing an elf. Elves loathe dwarves!</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>However, I may break my rule for Kili in </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em>. Hubba! Hubba! Look at those eyes!</em></span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiztzSUdcrVH3ez1R4FMB_gA4BbGolDkjZW7NIWrUZXIrdyaQFSkx5HqMOfEdfFqcvkYYnoESmRBrxwPNE87atgLUkd4NwHoO-pTERElyL_wn_aRknERhil2o0SvNzbM3AIhRtz0uye2q3q/s1600/Kili.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiztzSUdcrVH3ez1R4FMB_gA4BbGolDkjZW7NIWrUZXIrdyaQFSkx5HqMOfEdfFqcvkYYnoESmRBrxwPNE87atgLUkd4NwHoO-pTERElyL_wn_aRknERhil2o0SvNzbM3AIhRtz0uye2q3q/s640/Kili.jpg" width="432" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Neither Grumpy nor Dopey ever had me mentally undressing them, especially in 48 fps and 3-D. Kili, you slay me! <br />
You should see him when he's using the power of The One Cockring.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpDEFTp9F2Nb84JjSuOoOriA-56NX07km63CvDJ737AdYmQiZvWC3nTLUA6iU-kYc1VbTbjJ97MGOnVhAmBrOjSC6OouLS9g-sIsO-jBMY34PaAUxIpBsyKSCJmLZaU8ynQ3WhvLTEkjaz/s1600/Kili+naps+nude.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="227" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpDEFTp9F2Nb84JjSuOoOriA-56NX07km63CvDJ737AdYmQiZvWC3nTLUA6iU-kYc1VbTbjJ97MGOnVhAmBrOjSC6OouLS9g-sIsO-jBMY34PaAUxIpBsyKSCJmLZaU8ynQ3WhvLTEkjaz/s400/Kili+naps+nude.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I hope this picture of Kili is a still from part 2 or 3, because <em><strong>THIS</strong></em> would fully justify 48 fps 3-D!</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>And while Kili was the hottest dwarf, he wasn't the only hot dwarf. Richard Amitage's Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain, was pretty tasty too. He was certainly a hell of lot different than Hans Conried was in the role back in the 1977 Rankin-Bass animated version of </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em>.</em></span> <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOgX3O5c3QNAla3GTvjlh2puUReDeuIQKQAaitBVx_IGHrc28DrsMgbchAERieJCNXE7hHdtcgyzvGX0_yft4lZiGRn5ZQwsiT-CsDfT3lneZygdM1FNrn2IW-VgH-PIof-kdlIYhNNUm2/s1600/Thorins.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOgX3O5c3QNAla3GTvjlh2puUReDeuIQKQAaitBVx_IGHrc28DrsMgbchAERieJCNXE7hHdtcgyzvGX0_yft4lZiGRn5ZQwsiT-CsDfT3lneZygdM1FNrn2IW-VgH-PIof-kdlIYhNNUm2/s400/Thorins.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Oh Thorin, you slay me.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>But I'm being fickle. You see, back when I was on The Road to Mordor (The weirdest Bob Hope-Bing Crosby movie ever made) I met </em><strong>HIM!</strong><em> </em></span><span style="color: purple;"><em>My one great love, the man I felt sure was to be my next, perhaps my final, husband. My dear, darling, passionate Gollum!</em></span></span> <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm2P9ygYLcoT-i2qhhyphenhyphenfmCxlp-ak5hEthNTRO9Ow3zYAoPkCySZ-chzXr-jvYdbW62CfgETsrAD4IE4yOWu9bZlVfhZwi4P-75BmDlAFlw1kfZMedimXce9fFDE0Jks71SPvK_U_djx-h4/s1600/Tallu+reaches+Mordor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm2P9ygYLcoT-i2qhhyphenhyphenfmCxlp-ak5hEthNTRO9Ow3zYAoPkCySZ-chzXr-jvYdbW62CfgETsrAD4IE4yOWu9bZlVfhZwi4P-75BmDlAFlw1kfZMedimXce9fFDE0Jks71SPvK_U_djx-h4/s400/Tallu+reaches+Mordor.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So much trouble just to lose some bling. </td></tr>
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<span style="color: #993399; font-family: lucida grande;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Sméagol, Sméagol, my so very precious little ring-bearer. How well I recall our nights of passion out on the Dead Marshes, and shaking our booties all night long in Mordor's hottest night spots. (We never missed "Wet-T-Shirt Night" at Orodruin. Even now, the aroma of Damp Orc makes me damp too.) He may have only worn a ragged little loincloth (Giving one freer access), but underneath it lurked his own, special </em>Barad-Dûr<em>, a Dark Tower that was truly his precious. Bear in mind, he wore Sauron's ring around that magnificent unit for 500 years. It was </em><strong>magic! </strong><em>What a </em><strong>man</strong><em>, or whatever the hell he was!</em></span></span></span> <span style="color: #993399; font-family: lucida grande;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>But, perhaps like all great love affairs must be, ours was not to last. Too soon the shoot was through, and Gollum was off to "other projects," and not returning my calls. And then, every shot of me was removed from the film. (Peter's exact words were "I want every last trace of that filthy woman, even her stench, </em><strong><span style="color: red;">scrubbed</span></strong><em> out of my movie! And from my hands! My God, My God,</em> <strong>I can still smell her on my hands!!!!</strong><em>" Sadly, he was, like so many before him, intimidated by my magnificence on film, and cut my role rather than risk himself being lost in my corona. Poor, envious man. And it's not like I scarred his son for life. The boy was okay with it.)</em> </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3W0N3QACm2ItMft29r1W2nsYJr0IiFNixigaEJqKyQJV6z7italGp3sUz5ByBeLJISt4R8LWbMgr2W6WE9-p3VSOKJSiJUKabQH_zMRkVBrr0OYdubZrTsvRqtDn43scbwk6Ly8Fby2xe/s1600/The+Tallugonath.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3W0N3QACm2ItMft29r1W2nsYJr0IiFNixigaEJqKyQJV6z7italGp3sUz5ByBeLJISt4R8LWbMgr2W6WE9-p3VSOKJSiJUKabQH_zMRkVBrr0OYdubZrTsvRqtDn43scbwk6Ly8Fby2xe/s400/The+Tallugonath.jpg" width="268" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"The Tallugonath." Peter Jackson had my giant statues at the entrance to Gondor CGI'd out. So petty. This is what is called a "Big star."</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #993399; font-family: lucida grande;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia;"><em>Meanwhile a sort of dishy British actor named Andy Sirkis began giving me odd looks on the lot, and avoiding me off set. What was his problem, I ask you? Sure he's cute, but I never really even met him. Why does he act like three of my ex-husbands? If he were gay, instead of a husband and father, I'd be certain he is an ex-husband of mine. Might he be one of my handful of straight ex-husbands? Andy? Were we ever married?</em><br /><em><br /></em><em>And then Gollum, my Gollum, vanished. It was like he dropped off a cliff into a volcano. (He always was a loner.) Gollum, Where are you? I pine for you. I weep unnumbered tears. Sméagol, you are forever my one, my true --- Precious! Your Gàlæƒêllåthéöñ waits ever, yearning for you, as I sail on to Valinor.</em><br /><br /><em>But here he was back on the screen in 3-D, having his precious ring stolen by Dr. Watson. Will Sherlock Holmes still solve "The Case of the Missing Ring of Power" when he realizes it was Watson who stole it? Gollum and Watson's scene together near the end of the film is one of the highlights, which is ironic since it's set in a dark cave.</em><br /><em><br /></em> </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihlnEkft1A5MzjjfFj59H_-5t8umFrOViMhpe1OThZSjYtvDs0ztrvN0GfIwlJjJsEIVCwXshEj4oWm4fbV9v93aMhd-rAxFbWLuNtrsDBy0I462RoJyrJGafdiT-P9Ed8i2r-C0LU925E/s1600/Tallu+and+Tolkien.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihlnEkft1A5MzjjfFj59H_-5t8umFrOViMhpe1OThZSjYtvDs0ztrvN0GfIwlJjJsEIVCwXshEj4oWm4fbV9v93aMhd-rAxFbWLuNtrsDBy0I462RoJyrJGafdiT-P9Ed8i2r-C0LU925E/s400/Tallu+and+Tolkien.jpg" width="350" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">JRR and I, a match made in Beleriand.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>It was interesting to see lovely Cate Blancette basically playing me. It's not widely known, but I inspired J.R.R. Tolkien to create the Lady Galadriel. Reuel looked at me and said, "A lady thousands of years old, still beautiful, but, instead of a drunken slut, she's a magical elvin queen! It will work!" Ah Reuelly, you big, curmudgeonly, Ludditish lug. When you thrust your magical talisman deep into my fiery Crack of Doom, You showed me what Fantasy is all about! You were my favorite Bad Hobbit.</em> </span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7iiU3E4TNSCMKtfpKKbBVLzoFom16VGFTLTzwBnTSOnebVNHGTtn0AVZymqZYtpAF678b4Qw2MMemJld76kqBgv1w-YHnDGRL14LTVtZ2wumlifIT9oD6OhxOQvWkpsjRkjjdWoPahS7X/s1600/Return+King+Signed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg7iiU3E4TNSCMKtfpKKbBVLzoFom16VGFTLTzwBnTSOnebVNHGTtn0AVZymqZYtpAF678b4Qw2MMemJld76kqBgv1w-YHnDGRL14LTVtZ2wumlifIT9oD6OhxOQvWkpsjRkjjdWoPahS7X/s640/Return+King+Signed.jpg" width="404" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How big a Tolkien geek is Little Dougie? Well, this is the title page of his hardcover edition of <em>The Return of the King</em>. The signatures are, clockwise from the upper-left corner: Sala Baker who played Sauron in the prologue of <em>Fellowship of the Ring</em>, Chief Hobbit Peter Jackson, screenwriters Philippa Boyens, and Fran Walsh, some old guy no one's ever heard of called "Sir Ian McKellen," and darling little Sean Astin, whose mother was Helen Keller and whose dad was Gomez Addams. I'm told it's rare for Gandalf and Sauron to sign the same parchment.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Little Dougie has actually read all those Tolkien books. Sometimes he has strange ideas about what constitues "fun." What did he think of this new </em><strong>Hobbit</strong><em> movie? I asked him, though I forget why. He said: "</em></span><span style="color: blue;">I was a wreck. Just as, 12 years ago, when I saw <strong>Fellowship of the Ring</strong> the first time, and started crying when Gandalf rode into a Hobbiton that seemed pulled out my brain from when I read the books, this time out, the first notes of Howard Shore's familiar music gave me goosebumps, and when Hobbiton came on in 48 fps and 3-D, so it was even more real than last time, boom, the tears started flowing again, and recurred periodically throughout the picture. (Who cries to see Gollum again? Me.) Do you know what a hassle it is to wipe trears from your eyes when you're wearing TWO sets of glasses?</span><em><span style="color: purple;">"</span></em></span><br />
<em><br /></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Pathetic, isn't he?</span></em><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPraCDBf3Kj3EWkHnR4fuO8jzzqViBqm4YmcbND6Yk_W1neFsx0u3ne3YOr1po10qIg-xI6toisonPlbBJdBK5fDoY8orOWhDX4DQ7FTlyCopkFueO8g8pG3FHQKvMR7ue7njLyk6_N6Gj/s1600/Conversation+with+Smaug.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPraCDBf3Kj3EWkHnR4fuO8jzzqViBqm4YmcbND6Yk_W1neFsx0u3ne3YOr1po10qIg-xI6toisonPlbBJdBK5fDoY8orOWhDX4DQ7FTlyCopkFueO8g8pG3FHQKvMR7ue7njLyk6_N6Gj/s400/Conversation+with+Smaug.jpg" width="310" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Peter Jackson has not released any pictures of how Smaug will look in the second film yet. This painting of Bilbo and Smaug was painted by Tolkien himself.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><span style="color: purple;">Benedict Cumberbatch, that wonderful actor who plays the real Sherlock Holmes, not that fake Sherlock impersonator on CBS, plays Smaug, and gets a solo, full-screen credit, which is odd, because Smaug never speaks in this film, and I doubt that the CGI visuals of Smaug (Of which we get only teasing glimpses), were Benedict doing a motion-capture performance of Smaug's tail in flight, so why is he credited in the movie at all? Orlando Bloom will be in part 2 next year, but is not in part 1, and he doesn't pop up in the credits. Cumberbatch must have a hell of an agent to get him billing, great billing, on a movie he isn't in.</span></em> </span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeZc1UFXewS8IHOTHNiG44c8HB9KUHTTsA1w-wWci4BPHZQaW0e0KS1_iAgv74O1QBbWf-rOts-k13BjH6NPksWduZFDdiNgNieBOtHfxIZweVEK71bgI5rePJntTADAnhs9RJApbzvZsO/s1600/Trolls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="207" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeZc1UFXewS8IHOTHNiG44c8HB9KUHTTsA1w-wWci4BPHZQaW0e0KS1_iAgv74O1QBbWf-rOts-k13BjH6NPksWduZFDdiNgNieBOtHfxIZweVEK71bgI5rePJntTADAnhs9RJApbzvZsO/s400/Trolls.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Larry, Moe and Shemp camping.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Another very surprising set of guest stars were The Three Stooges as the trolls who turn to stone. I thought they were dead. They were fun, but it would have been better if they'd had Curly instead of Shemp. </span></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Joe Besser felt the money wasn't enough to justify resurrection.)</span></em></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRauV0e4KbNqrJjQ2G_WSbo9DH5NlcCZRtHqBs3cIEs7g1gEn1GFMfT7eSmYQpJmtWMvXmxTYqwRHrG9dw6VXPqYQpVOzamWsApgI3qG_4SvoY-Ze-2Kkp9G1NXW8BHr3H7iu3zdyARdfi/s1600/Hobbits+escape.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRauV0e4KbNqrJjQ2G_WSbo9DH5NlcCZRtHqBs3cIEs7g1gEn1GFMfT7eSmYQpJmtWMvXmxTYqwRHrG9dw6VXPqYQpVOzamWsApgI3qG_4SvoY-Ze-2Kkp9G1NXW8BHr3H7iu3zdyARdfi/s400/Hobbits+escape.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The barrell scene isn't in part 1.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>48 fps 3-D is a hell of a way to see a movie. Most movies are in 24 fps 2-D. When I began in films back in 1915, before I was born, they were silent, 16 fps and 1-D. I do not understand the folks, many of them critics, bitching about the movie looking "too real". This "Fantasy films should look unreal" idea escapes me. Ray Harryhausen, whom most of you know I adore, always bitches about CGI looking "too real," and gives that party line, but there I figured it was just him being defensive. As I said in </em><strong>My Lush Life</strong><em>, Ray made movies back when special effects were </em><strong>supposed</strong><em> to look fake.</em> <em></em></span></span><br />
<em><br /></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">I go to see a movie about Middle-Earth to see and "visit" that made-up magical place in the books, and want it made to look as real as possible. When a burning pine cone shot out of the screen into the audience and I involuntarily blinked to protect my eyes from the embers, despite wearing 3-D glasses, so my eyes were well protected, I knew it was working really, really well.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKS52itFykbbsiqdDX1iYC6FZRur2UHPdBcFIOk2fPTtJlZjkUYjCZ_6hfQWk0GC5JWx9uuiBMljDByn8OUJHjH5L-x0G8sG00n3cfFowDJRerOecFFXlnvh85T-oVQ5fkmHQkaide-7_y/s1600/Wizard+Dwarf+and+an+elf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKS52itFykbbsiqdDX1iYC6FZRur2UHPdBcFIOk2fPTtJlZjkUYjCZ_6hfQWk0GC5JWx9uuiBMljDByn8OUJHjH5L-x0G8sG00n3cfFowDJRerOecFFXlnvh85T-oVQ5fkmHQkaide-7_y/s400/Wizard+Dwarf+and+an+elf.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A wizard, a dwarf and an elf walk into The Prancng Pony...<br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>It was nice to have a friend in the movie, in my case, my friend Barry Humphries, The Funniest Man in the World. Barry plays, brilliantly, the Great Goblin, and wears an outfit and make-up almost as grotesque as he does when playing his character Sir Les Patterson. And Barry even gets a song, appetizingly titled "The Torture Song." Shouldn't that song be in </em><strong><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Les Misérables</span></strong><em>? Barry, as usual, was so much funnier than everyone else in the picture that they killed his character off towards the end, just so he won't also steal the other two movies as well. Sir Ian McKellen slices his belly open. I've known jealous co-stars who would do anything to sabatoge my performances in the past, but Sir Ian takes it to a new level.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgieMe3aC2wxRuM73oOxRf9hPRWUREWge6ybbjLNcqMQgq1nzQ5U6kBksZrmmGIKj_P7ZgWK9zxR63e-bKS-5E_0OLQFbQ8UnnVRSBTF8Q25r1FuJ1MO7yCktdautUcbpDZYs8LWmrVnx1q/s1600/Sir+Les+leers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgieMe3aC2wxRuM73oOxRf9hPRWUREWge6ybbjLNcqMQgq1nzQ5U6kBksZrmmGIKj_P7ZgWK9zxR63e-bKS-5E_0OLQFbQ8UnnVRSBTF8Q25r1FuJ1MO7yCktdautUcbpDZYs8LWmrVnx1q/s400/Sir+Les+leers.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry Humphries as The Great Goblin.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR1X_8wowAykGGcnBguikQDih_f0FiGLVH2mdnqTyxdB1l1u4M_onu6ajk01AOzeWPvU16A-py6nSik_NZIPrIdMRlJy1hOoea3gztYm8xQXWS6oH7qGYhvmlcXegWgvPg5TNxrexyaNwL/s1600/Barry's+Great+Goblin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiR1X_8wowAykGGcnBguikQDih_f0FiGLVH2mdnqTyxdB1l1u4M_onu6ajk01AOzeWPvU16A-py6nSik_NZIPrIdMRlJy1hOoea3gztYm8xQXWS6oH7qGYhvmlcXegWgvPg5TNxrexyaNwL/s400/Barry's+Great+Goblin.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barry Humphries as Sir Les Patterson.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The 7th Doctor Who, Sylvester McCoy, walks off with a goodly portion of the middle of the film. Well, not "walks off," more like rides off on a bunny-sled. He plays Radagast the Brown, yet another wizard, and one who must have been considered a bit odd even back in his undergraduate days at Hogwarts.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgit1zJ-p-GaYONvPFm2UhaTNTcHbuMwWheEgWXkqP2FWjf8bGo3ss_HdyQ3WuNmhb5XcgAd9avpE-cxFNxtZEb6e3sqWDAzM35aVgzjf2xbM5IeHY4_iHcWWrQI5FXOmJQfaIsgC3fRe_U/s1600/Doug+and+Radagast.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgit1zJ-p-GaYONvPFm2UhaTNTcHbuMwWheEgWXkqP2FWjf8bGo3ss_HdyQ3WuNmhb5XcgAd9avpE-cxFNxtZEb6e3sqWDAzM35aVgzjf2xbM5IeHY4_iHcWWrQI5FXOmJQfaIsgC3fRe_U/s400/Doug+and+Radagast.jpg" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">There is almost no truth to the rumor that Sylvester McCoy hopped in his Tardis and flew back to Middle-Earth solely to get away from Little Dougie. Daleks might also have been involved.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Little Dougie has never been to Middle-Earth, or even New Zealand, despite having relatives who live there just to get away from him. But as you can see, he hangs with the residents anyway. You saw his Sir Ian "Gandalf" signature above, and that shot up there with Radagast, and look below, there he is with Saruman and with the Great Goblin. He told me that, in person, the 3-D effect is a little blurry. They look far more real in the movie. After all, Reality is not 48 fps.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2myt2rAUFw-kgA5wGBqJjPXKbzPQ0RMkElDvSCGk88WkexFAD_zIdMmM_xqr16Fc7OXazv0v-rEr5bmxoDJlOkvW3EFxZxG0RnSF_OXRf74vdLSf1sbfc2RDOacmZ6B8OGzviMKzGYyDl/s1600/Doug+and+Tolkien+villains.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eea="true" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2myt2rAUFw-kgA5wGBqJjPXKbzPQ0RMkElDvSCGk88WkexFAD_zIdMmM_xqr16Fc7OXazv0v-rEr5bmxoDJlOkvW3EFxZxG0RnSF_OXRf74vdLSf1sbfc2RDOacmZ6B8OGzviMKzGYyDl/s400/Doug+and+Tolkien+villains.jpg" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A great goblin and poses with Barry Humphries. BTW, that large yellow book Barry is holding is the manuscript of my autobiography, <em>My Lush Life</em>, which is dedicated to him.<br />
You know why Dracula/Fu Manchu/Saruman looks so much younger here than in the movie? Meeting Little Dougie was so terrifying to him that it aged him over night.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"> <em>The fact is that the movie, no matter what the New York Times says, is great fun from beginning to end, and when you're hurtling through the goblin's caverns in 3-D that looks more real than your date does, it's exciting, gorgeous, funny, and joyful. If only Kili had some nude scenes, it would be the perfect entertainment. (Why is there no gay porn in 48 fps 3-D?) Snow White took one look at Thorin and Kili, went out, dug up the corpse of Walt Disney, and yelled at it. Who can blame her? Have yourself some fun and go see </em><strong>The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey</strong><em>. It will cheer you up after </em><strong>Les Misérables </strong><em>makes you miserable. Cheers, darlings.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Far over the Misty Mountains cold, <br />
To dungeons deep and caverns old,<br />
We must away ere break of day,<br />
To find our long-forgotten gold."</td></tr>
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Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-2570876167408922702012-12-16T16:03:00.002-08:002012-12-17T00:43:29.767-08:00The Raves Keep Pouring In.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTtDoHlZyq-avZ1adPZz0pT3L-vk35nGZnHa00dIhH0hkWTCSj4J777J39DXsi8BZ1iyd6KRoUu62pdAcDLyUFaJHqWZLUVJjtxRte8kAEvMdb146n8QdiBExyR595VwnpuNGHWh9Nb3xp/s1600/A+&+C+read.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img bea="true" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTtDoHlZyq-avZ1adPZz0pT3L-vk35nGZnHa00dIhH0hkWTCSj4J777J39DXsi8BZ1iyd6KRoUu62pdAcDLyUFaJHqWZLUVJjtxRte8kAEvMdb146n8QdiBExyR595VwnpuNGHWh9Nb3xp/s400/A+&+C+read.jpg" width="295" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sherlock Costello and Dr. Abbot detect a great read.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Yet another 5-star review of my new book has appeared on its Amazon page, this time by longtime Tallulah devotee, Tim Constant, who is obviously a man of taste and distinction.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">5.0 out of 5 stars.</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">"Notes on a 'Nearly Living Legend' or Vodka and Vitriol</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: #38761d;"></span></span><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">By Timothy L. Constant </span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><em><strong>TALLYHO TALLULAH!</strong></em> By Douglas McEwan is, without question, the funniest book I have ever read - but more, it is social satire of the highest stripe; a vat of sulfuric acid thrown in the face of a mendacious, hypocritical, intellectually lazy, society. The main character, Tallulah Morehead, is a Teabagger's worst nightmare. She is a one-hundred-and-fifteen-year-old B movie star who knows where all the bodies are buried, and who lives completely without morality or restraint. I love her. She is who I wanted to be when I grew up and whenever she speaks, I suddenly hear the voice in my own head saying all the things that I would say out loud if I wasn't afraid of Crucifixion.</span> <br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Now that's criticism! Thanks, Tim. Cheers, darling.</em></span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-9455357840576271542012-12-16T03:17:00.003-08:002012-12-16T03:29:37.677-08:00Critic's Cherce.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Another rave review has appeared on the</em> <strong>Tallyho, Tallulah!</strong><em> Amazon page, this time by Dylan Brody. A second rave. </em></span><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Dylan is, as I was, a scribe at </em><strong>The Huffington Post</strong><em>. His </em><strong>Huff Po</strong><em> writer's profile says:</em></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Dylan Brody writes and performs humorous short stories and whimsical essays in venues around L.A. and across the country. A thrice-published author and award-winning playwright, he has performed stand-up comedy on A & E's Comedy On the Road and Fox TV's Comedy Express and recently was honored to present a story at the New York Public Library's Tribute to George Carlin, hosted by Whoopi Goldberg. Mr Brody's CDs <em>Brevity</em> and <em>True Enough</em> are available through Amazon.com and iTunes. He lives in Sylmar, CA, a location he describes as 'crap neighborhood adjacent.'" </span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Here's What Dylan had to say about my new tome:</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">5.0 out of 5 stars. </span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"You know what? Make it a double."</span><br />
<span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">By Dylan Brody </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: blue;"></span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">There's a particular type of boozy-broad snark that has been emulated for years by gay men. I have never fully understood the allure for some men of imitating a sedated and inappropriate aging Judy Garland or a gin-addled Dorothy Parker, frankly, but the impulse is clearly there and for many the attitude and snideness serve as a crutch for an inadequate wit.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: blue;"></span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Douglas McEwan does not adopt this persona, from what I can tell, as compensation for a lack. Rather, Tallulah Morehead, drunken, aging, Hollywood sexpot, serves as a vehicle for a wit that I found myself wanting to hear beyond her recognizable voice. <em><strong>Tallyho Tallulah</strong></em>, McEwan's second turn with the character (I haven't read the first), had me laughing from the introduction. Once the story was underway it held me, grinning and chuckling throughout.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: blue;"></span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The delightful debauchery of this tale of self-importance in the world of summer stock puts camp on the page so exquisitely that one can nearly smell the vodka in the printer's ink. If text can slur languidly, Douglas McEwan has figured out how to make it happen.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /><span style="color: blue;"></span></span><span style="color: blue; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do yourself a favor. Read this book. With a drink in one hand and a hot young pool boy in the other.</span><br />
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>What excellent advice, even if he's fallen for the myth that Dougie wrote the whole book and that I am some sort of fictional character, just because that's what the book says. (My publisher's lawyers felt they had to allege that I don't actually exist so that I can't sue myself. Lawyers.) I wrote it with a drink in one hand and Eduardo, my gardener's son, in the other. Little Dougie did all the typing. Incidentally, if you opt for one of the less-expensive ebook formats, Kindle, Nook, iBook, you can eSmell the eVodka.</em></span><br />
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<span style="color: blue; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>I should be back in a day or so, reviewing </em><strong>The Hobbit</strong><em>. I can tell you, Peter Jackson would like my review of it. Cheers, darlings</em></span><em>.</em></span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2504494626360061155.post-46681008377044564872012-12-13T03:42:00.001-08:002012-12-13T14:49:33.654-08:00The "Wisdom" of the Wrong-Wing.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl0A8mMGoZPP4Y-UzuLGFP4KqIv4iebk7odkonWi1HGvO08aNlwhgEtbNCatXsDUID_ytV4J1DfETaiDpEIRkOudWrTeT-fFAKLE6gKWC2Q_O4zOnuxP0S82KSt2HjJUzrmLyE1SxpyVmP/s1600/mitt-romney-mister-1-percent.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img bea="true" border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhl0A8mMGoZPP4Y-UzuLGFP4KqIv4iebk7odkonWi1HGvO08aNlwhgEtbNCatXsDUID_ytV4J1DfETaiDpEIRkOudWrTeT-fFAKLE6gKWC2Q_O4zOnuxP0S82KSt2HjJUzrmLyE1SxpyVmP/s400/mitt-romney-mister-1-percent.jpg" width="285" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">America's Bane at Bain.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>How lucky are we that the Republicans lost the election? Well look at the crap that pours from their mouths.</em></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Hello. I am extremely stupid and enormously ignorant. Vote for me!"</td></tr>
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<br /><em>“…the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more.” </em><br /><em>~ Michele Bachmann, Speaking to Iowans For [Rich People's] Tax Relief about the framers of the Constitution, who fought that Revolutionary War to free the slaves. Not </em><strong>THEIR</strong><em> slaves, of course. Jefferson kept his slaves until he died, but you know, they were all for Freedom --- for land-owning white males.</em><br /><br /><em>Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.” </em><br /><em>~ Rep. Michelle Bachmann. So let's lock her in a room and pump it full of CO2. After all, it's not harmful.</em><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I'm rich! You're not! HA-ha!"</td></tr>
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<br /><em>"Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People’s pockets. Human beings, my friend.” </em><br /><em>~ GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney. He means specifically </em><strong>HIS</strong><em> pockets, as though he were human.</em><br /><br /><em>“Exercise freaks … are the ones putting stress on the health care system.” </em><br /><em>~ Rush Limbaugh, fat drug addict.</em><br /><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mr. Health.<br />
"Drug users not named 'Limbaugh' should all go to prison!"</td></tr>
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<br /><em>“Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.” </em><br /><em>~ George W. Bush. </em><em>Ignoring for a moment "Families is" rather than "Families are" from an alleged Yale graduate, don't you love it when Wings take Dream? (Is that what Wings took? Let's ask Sir Paul.)</em><br /><br /><em>“From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” </em><br /><em>~ Texas Governor Rick Perry, on the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, in 2010, explaining why he worships BP as "God."</em><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I may be an asshole but at least I'm stupid."</td></tr>
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<br /><em>Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant — they’re quite clear — that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments.” </em><br /><em>~ Sarah Palin. Do you think she just believes that since </em><strong>she</strong><em> never read The First Amendment (or anything else), no one has? She was right about one thing here though, the Founding Fathers </em><strong>were</strong><em> "quite clear" on the matter.</em><br /><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
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<em>“Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them.” </em><br /><em>~ Jerry Falwell. So unless you're a teenager (Or a TV evangelist), if you want to patronize a hooker, divorce your wife and marry the whore, or just screw a free slut. At least he's now okay with wives having jobs.</em><br /><br /><em>“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change.” </em><br /><em>~ Dan Quayle. Yup, especially if we elect Republicans.</em><br /><br /><em>“I get speaker’s fees from time to time, but not very much.” </em><br /><em>~ Mitt Romney, who earned $374,000 in speaking fees in one year according to his personal financial disclosure. In his defense; $374,000 </em><strong>is</strong><em> Mitt's idea of "not very much money."</em><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"We're against gay marriage also. We're douchebags."</td></tr>
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<em>"I hope that’s not where we’re going, but you know if this Congress keeps going the way it is, people are really looking toward those Second Amendment remedies and saying my goodness what can we do to turn this country around? I’ll tell you the first thing we need to do is take Harry Reid out.” </em><em></em><br /><em>~ Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle, proposing the murder of Senator Harry Ried in a radio interview. This is what is called a "crime".</em><br /><br /> <em>“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.” </em><em></em><br /><em>~ George W. Bush. Well, the little buggars won't hold still while he spreads the peanut butter on them.</em><br /><br /><em>“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.” </em><br /><em>~ Dan Quayle. Certainly he needed to study </em><strong>something</strong><em> harder in school. The Republicans thought he should be president.</em><br /><em><br /></em><em>"If we took away women’s right to vote, we’d never have to worry about another Democrat president.” ~ Ann Coulter. How about we meet her halfway, and just not let Ann Coulter vote?</em></span>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ann Coulter's Driver's License photo.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"> <em>“My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You’re facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don’t think too much further than that. And so what you’ve got to do is you’ve got to curtail that type of behavior. They don’t know any better.” </em></span></span></div>
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, explaining why his state's poor residents should just be allowed to starve to death. This what they're talking about when they say "Compassionate Conservative." (A Compassionate Conservative is one who feels the super-rich's pain.)</span></em><br />
<em><br /></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">“Our nation was founded on violence. The option is on the table. I don’t think that we should ever remove anything from the table as it relates to our liberties and our freedoms.” </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Teabagger-backed Texas GOP congressional candidate Stephen Broden, suggesting the violent overthrow of the U.S. government if Republicans don’t win at the ballot box, interview with Dallas’s WFAA-TV, Oct. 21, 2010. The common term for this is "Sore Loser." The legal term for this is "Treason Against the United States of America."</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"'Refudiate,’ ‘misunderestimate,’ ‘wee-wee’d up.’ English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!’” </span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>~ Sarah Palin on why she's like Shakespeare. Let's lock her in one room and lock 1000 monkeys in another room, and see which writes </em><strong>Hamlet</strong><em> first. My money is on the monkeys.</em></span></span><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">“She’s not young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a President. And besides, she has cancer.” </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Newt Gingrich being "presidential" about his then-wife. He's so right. First Ladies are required by The Constitution to be hot. Just ask Eleanor Roosevelt and Barbara Bush.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 1941.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"> <em>“The Federal Department of Education should be eliminated. The Department of Education is unconstitutional and should not be involved in education, at any level.” </em></span></span><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Sharron Angle, July 12, 2010, who clearly has never been involved in education at any level, especially "receiving."</span></em><br />
<em><br /></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” </span></em><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>~ Pat Robertson. Damn! He's seen through our clever ploy! </em><strong>DOH!</strong></span></span><br />
<em><br /></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">“The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them.” </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Rush Limbaugh. Volunteering to be a target, Rush? (He's never heard of "disassembling"?)</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rush Limbaugh on disarmament.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>“There are hundreds and hundreds of scientists, many of them holding Nobel Prizes, who believe in intelligent design.” </em></span></span><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Michele Bachmann. Sadly, none of them have names. And the ones holding Nobel Prizes had to give them back to the actual scientists they belonged to when they came back to the table from the washroom. She doesn't seem to grasp what a "scientist" is. Michele, your pastor is not a "scientist."</span></em><br />
<em><br /></em><em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"These are beautiful properties, with basketball courts, bathroom facilities, toilet facilities. Many young people would love to get the hell out of cities” </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Carl Paladino on housing poor people in prisons. No, prisons are too nice for poor people. Let's house Republicans in them.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Republican Social Safety Net.</td></tr>
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"They [Republicans] say, ‘You’re too conservative.’ Was Thomas Jefferson too conservative?" </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Nevada GOP and Teabagger favorite Sharron Angle, March 21, 2010. No, Sharon, Thomas Jefferson was not "too conservative." He was a liberal. Just ask King George III.</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"I'm tired of some people calling me wacky." </span></em><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Teabagger heartthrob Sharron Angle, also on March 21, 2010. Then I suggest she shut up.</span></em><br />
<em><br /></em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>“Trees cause more pollution than automobiles.” </em></span></span><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Ronald Reagan, who stands by his words, and has refused to breathe that poison Oxygen for years now.</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Friggin' Polluter!</td></tr>
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<em><br /></em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>“We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.” </em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>~ Senile old man John McCain. The "Situation" being that there is </em><strong>no</strong><em> "Iraq-Pakistan border."</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pakistan? Hello, Pakistan? Where are you? I see Mordor, but not Pakistan.</td></tr>
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<em><br /></em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>“We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.” </em></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>~ Ann Coulter. The </em><strong>sole</strong><em> good thing about Ann Coulter is that she's such an </em><strong>OPEN</strong><em> thug. She celebrates her own being subhuman.</em></span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Evil? Moi?"</td></tr>
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</em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>“Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease.” </em></span></span><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ "President" George W. Bush. Is Africa's "incredible" disease "incontinence"? Because it's a continent.</span></em><br />
<em><br /></em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>“What people recognize is that there’s a fear that the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union and our loss militarily going forward.” </em></span></span><br />
<em><span style="color: purple; font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">~ Michele Bachmann, apparently unaware that the Soviet Union collapsed more than two decades ago. And something must be done to stop that Austro-Hungarian Empire! And those Etruscans will be trouble one day also!</span></em><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pound-Foolish, the Lying Clown.</td></tr>
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<span style="color: purple;"></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: purple;"><em>Well, they lost. Why not celebrate with a nice new copy of </em><strong>Tallyho, Tallulah!</strong><em>? The perfect stocking stuffer. Cheers, darlings.</em></span></span>Tallulah Moreheadhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07416330735326405496noreply@blogger.com0