Thursday, April 28, 2011

Survivor 22: Rerun Island: The CBS Faith Hour.

In tonight’s episode of Survivor, Jeff said of The Viva Zapata Twins, Steve and Ralph, aka Mansweater, the final members of the Viva Zapata tribe: “Their only hope? A crack in the Ometepe Alliance.” Be more specific, Jeff. Whose crack? And what a vulgar way to open an episode hammocked between Easter and The Royal Wedding.

After the Rice Wars last week, and Phillip’s, aka Big Chief Ricethief’s, unfounded and racist accusations of racism leveled against Steve, Steve held out an olive branch, forgave Ricethief, and said: “There’s no apologies needed from either one of us.” Well he’s a lot more forgiving than I’d ever be. But then, Steve is desperate not to get voted out. Ricethief pretended to make up with him, while telling us Steve would probably go next, because: “He mocked me a number of times.” Hey Chief Ricethief, I’ve been mocking you relentlessly for 11 weeks now. Your sole function on earth is to be an object of mockery. If every one who mocks you was eliminated, you’d be alone out there, without even a camera crew. You’d be like lovely Earl Holliman in the pilot episode of
The Twilight Zone, wandering around an empty world, calling out: “Where is everybody?



Steve, about Ricethief: “I would really think that a mature guy...” A
mature guy? Chief Ricethief? Mature? Take a look at him: a 52 year old man, in public, wearing a kid’s two-feather Indian Headdress, too-loose fuchsia panties, kind of a loincloth, and that’s it. He looks like Sal Mineo in Tonka as an old man. What about him says “Mature,” besides his being bald?


Steve, still about Chief Ricethief: “He had to have known, you know, what an ass he made of himself.” Have you met Chief Ricethief? Rob once accurately described him as “probably the most unaware person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” He’s been making an ass of himself every single day for 27 days now, and probably for years before that.

But Steve hopes that Rob will see what a fool Chief Ricethief is, and vote the Cherokee out instead of him. Fat chance, Steve. Rob stated what should be obvious: “Phillip’s under my protection. As long as he keeps up his stupid antics, he’ll be coming with me all the way to the finals.”

Chief Ricethief, or as Steve quite sensibly called him, Numbnuts, had another vision-visit from his “great-great grandfather,” Chief Red Herring (his two missing generations from last week have, apparently been restored, or maybe Herring is just putting distance between himself and his insane descendant), and Loose Lips the Cherokee told him where to look for his stolen pants.



“Am I good or what?” he asked as he dug up his pants. I’m going with “What”. Frankly, I think it had more to do with Big Mouth Julie describing how she’d hidden them in such detail, that she only just stopped short of putting a neon sign above them, saying “Stolen Pants Buried Here.” What a true lame-o Julie is. She can’t even pull a Russell successfully. If you steal a man’s pants, burn them. And if you must bury them, don’t tell him exactly how to find them again, you stupid putz! You know, if the Hidden Immunity Idol clues were this obvious, everyone would have an idol.


Oh, and Chief Red Herring: you’re dead. Butt out!

Please someone, steal his pants again, and burn them this time, preferably, while he’s wearing them.

So now he’s all excited about going to the Tri-Doofus Tournament today, and rubbing his shorts in Julie’s face, I hope metaphorically. He repeatedly crowed about how he found them “without a clue.” While I will concede that Chief Numbnuts is indeed clueless, the fact is, Julie described how she’d buried them in way too much detail, too busy bragging to realize she was telling him how to find them. So now we have a smug Chief Numbnuts, and smug is his most-irritating state.


Out on Zombie Island, which isn’t an island, Mike was feeling pity for Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, who has “kinda been on a little bit of a downward spiral.” Mike, you can’t both rejoin the game, so he’s not your friend nor your ally. He’s your competition. Revel in his downward spiral (It’s cheering me up), and use it to defeat him. Send him to the jury, and bring your beauty back to the tribe.




But Zombie Island does seem to be turning Dr. Jesus into a real zombie. He’s barely got the energy to pray incessantly. We’re ten minutes into the episode, and he hasn’t even spewed any stupid horseshit yet, which is a record for this season.








But, at 11 minutes in, he couldn’t hold back the garbage any longer: “God has me here for a reason.” Why do you keep saying that? It’s so egotistical and stupid, even to those who are deluded enough to believe in a god, to think that something that has an entire universe to run, gives a rat’s ass whether you’re on Survivor or not. But let’s say your imaginary God did keep putting you on Zombie Island. Here’s a theory: She did it to spare the other players from having to be around you.

Dr. Jesus (after weeping like a little girl): “God has literally been carrying me for the past four days.” Doc, look up the meaning of the word “Literally”. Unless an enormous old man with a beard, or a burning bush, or a giant cartoon hand reaching down from the clouds, has physically picked you up and actually toted you around for four days, your god has not “literally” done anything at all! You are literally dumber than a dead dog.


Zombie Island Tri-Doofus Tournament for Resurrection: We saw what looked like three coffins set out for the Tri-Doofus Tournament. Oh, I hope this is the Premature Burial Challenge, where they are all sealed in coffins and buried alive. Last one to claw their way out of their coffin and back to the surface loses. What more fitting challenge for Zombie Island could there be? No such luck.

Jeff asked Dr. Jesus about his emotional reaction to being stuck for weeks on Zombie Island, although at this point, there’s literally no point in talking to him. He’s never going to say anything intelligent. And the devout Christian Dr. Jesus then lied to Jeff: “Overwhelming peace about everything.”

Liar!
We just saw you crying like a two-year-old-girl, and sobbing out how you were “so over this game.” Lying is a sin, Dr. Jesus. Your god will turn Her back on you, and you shall roast in The Fires of Hell, your naughty bits seared with welding tools, while being sodomized by diseased gorillas for a couple centuries at the minimum, to atone for that lie, because your god is a merciful god.

Dr. Jesus said his imaginary god decided: “You’ve honored me enough.” Are you sure that’s what She said? Because I suspect it was more along the lines of: “Lay off of me with the praying already, idiot. It’s getting me bad press in
The Huffington Post. I’m busy trying to run four wars, holding back a plague, screwing with the weather, dealing with a Dalek uprising on Omagod 7, punishing Japan because parts of America have Gay Marriage, creating a new galaxy out in the 14th sector, advising Hurley on The Island, smiting lippy Methodists, and I have to get to London for The Wedding, where I’m expected to officiate. (Laugh’s on them. I’ve made her sterile. Ha-ha!) I haven’t got time to babysit you on Survivor. I haven’t even had a moment to watch the most-recent Harry Potter
movie. Grow up!”

“I feel like I’ve accomplished what I came here to do,” said Dr. Jesus senselessly. You came there to lose?

Oh rats. They aren’t coffins. They’re shuffleboard boards. This exciting blood challenge is a game of shuffleboard. Later, Canasta-to-the-Death! (I kept expecting Dr. Jesus to say: “Jeff, I think ‘puck’ is a dirty word. Can we call them ‘Paking Pove’ pieces?”)

Once again, only one loser will go to the jury.

Andrea-or-Ashley, Dr. Jesus’s Mary Magadelene-turned-Judas, who tempted him and led him into Eternal Zomnation, was getting dirty looks from Doc Jesus, who may be a Christian, but hasn’t forgiven her for betraying him.

In order to get whiny Dr. Jesus off the not-an-island and onto the jury, Julie has to beat him. Crap. Not a chance in heck of that lame-o winning anything. Sure enough. Dr. Jesus came in first. Julie even managed to knock one of her own pucks out of the end zone. Julie, can you do anything right? Were you a real fireman, who puts out fires, or were you like the firemen in Ray Bradbury’s classic novel
Fahrenheit 451
, who starts fires?

Mike, of course, won second place. Julie to the jury, where she’ll probably screw up at the Final Tribal Council, and accidentally vote for Chief Numbnuts to win.





Jeff: “How many days did Jesus fast?” Who cares, Jeff?

Dr. Jesus: “40.” Well, duh, everything in the Bible lasts for “40 days and 40 nights”. Everything. I think The Last Supper went for 40 days and 40 nights.

Jeff: “It’s interesting that our game is 39 days.” No it’s not “interesting.” It is the
opposite of interesting. The fact of Survivor being a game of 39 days duration, and the myth that some guy supposedly named Jesus allegedly fasted for what someone 2000 years ago said was “40 days and 40 nights,” are unrelated, uninteresting, and unimportant.

If I weren’t recapping this for you, I really would turn this Bible-Thumping-fest off, and switch over to hear the music of my lovely friend Carole King butchered on Carole King Night over on
American Idol. (I knew Carole for a while back in the mid-1980s. She is a totally darling charmer, an amazing talent, and very funny.) Palin’s Pimp, you seriously need to dial back all the religion this season has become infected with. It’s making us ill. And American Idol is just two clicks on the “1” button away.

Julie explained why she was on
Survivor: “My house is in foreclosure and, ah, this was an opportunity for me to make a better life for my girls.” Let me get this straight: this 50 year old woman was losing her house, and her plan to save it was to go on Survivor, compete against younger, stronger, smarter people, lose challenges, and come home with the million dollars? Well, with sound fiscal planning and financial management like that, no wonder she’s in foreclosure.

But Julie has become more than just stupid; she’s lost what little mind she had: “I came short of the money
[WAY short!] but I’m walking away with something bigger.” Bigger than the money you need to save your house? What might that be, pray tell. Uh-oh. I shouldn’t have said: “pray tell.”

Julie: “My life is, is changed. I see Matt’s story with God, and I am looking forward to going back home
[What home? It’s in foreclosure, and you didn’t get the money you needed to save it. You’ll be building a Survivor-type shelter down by the river.] and finding a church [and burning it down?] and getting involved.” DOH!

One day on Zombie Island, and she was infected by Dr. Jesus’s madness, and has now gone crazy herself. Pathetic. Even more pathetic than stealing Chief Numbnuts’s shorts, and then doing everything but painting a bright red “X” over where you buried them.

Or, is she crazy like a fox? Because now her kids can sue
Survivor for putting her in contact with a contagious madman who infected her with his mental illness. They should get multi-millions from Palin’s Pimp. Well played, Miss Julie. Unless that’s not your plan, in which case, you’re merely one of the lamest contestants ever to get as far as the merge.

On her way out, just to grab her last chance to be lame, Julie hollered out: “Peanut butter and oatmeal!” You know, I get that the players on
Survivor undergo serious hunger, but I can not imagine being hungry enough to eat peanut butter or oatmeal, let alone peanut butter and oatmeal. Yuck! You can probably get steak and lobster, or Eggs Benedict, or chicken enchiladas, or pizza, or even just a grilled cheese sandwich with extra-sharp Cheddar on sourdough bread with real butter at that hotel. Why would you want peanut butter and/or oatmeal? “Porridge, gruel, and Castor Oil! Yea!”



Back at camp, Andrea-or-Ashley confessed to Natalie and Ashley-or-Andrea that she felt “kinda weird” seeing Dr. Jesus all fatalistic (Honey, he’s always fatalistic. He believes he has no power over his life, that his imaginary god controls everything that happens to him. He’s an idiot.), and felt some mild guilt for playing and betraying him. Rob was listening to every word. She has always been on shaky ground with him over her Dr. Jesus connection, and letting him hear her experience even the tiniest twinge of remorse for Dr. Jesus makes her shaky ground into the 1906 San Francisco earthquake.

Sure enough, a moment later Grant was shirtless......






What? Where am I? Would you please keep your hands to myself! Oh. Sorry. My mind wandered down dark, erotic paths for a moment. Where was I? Oh yes.

A moment later a shirtless Grant was discussing with Rob the possibility, “when the time comes,” of getting rid of Andrea-or-Ashley, before Dr. Jesus has a chance to return, and she assuages her guilt by helping him defeat Rob. If “the time” were to come now, Steve and Mansweater might survive for another episode. If either of them had a brain, they’d be asking Andrea-or-Ashley long questions about her Dr. Jesus guilt, making sure Rob overheard every word.

Grant was disturbed that Andrea-or-Ashley felt sorry for Dr. Jesus. I was reminded of the moment in the classic musical
Damn Yankees, when the Devil punishes Lola by making her say “Never feel sorry for anybody,” 100 times. Where is Satan when you need him? He’d be the perfect tonic for an afternoon of The Dr. Jesus Faith Hour.

Immunity & Reward Challenge: This was coming at 24 minutes into the show. That’s early, which means there’ll either be some lively jostling to choose who gets voted out today, or else we have a long, and therefore lively, Tribal Council coming up. The challenge wouldn’t be in the first half of the show if they didn’t need the room in the show’s back end.

Good classic challenge: elimination log rolling. It’s full of action, and people falling into Fabio’s Latrine. (I wonder if Chief Numbnuts has been consulted about moving Fabio’s Latrine about for challenges. After all, he has the army’s highest peacetime medal for portable toilets. He’s an expert. He’s not The Specialist. He’s The Four-Flusher!)

But they are also playing for reward. Jeff uncovered a huge chocolate cake, and at least three players spontaneously exploded. Also ice cold milk, and a “secret” additional reward. (Life After Death? No. That’s the reward Dr. Jesus is playing for on Zombie Island. And he’s just going to end up with Samsonite luggage anyway.)

The first match-up was an interesting pairing: Grant vs Rob. Of course, Rob doesn’t need Immunity. He has his Hidden Immunity Idol that only we viewers and Alfred the Butler know about, and besides, there’s no chance he’ll get voted out yet. But he’s a big believer in no one but him ever having Immunity. But then there’s Grant, the best athlete playing this season, and yet, playing against his bud, his friend, and his commandant.

Grant, of course, beat Rob. Rob was wearing shoes, for one thing, while Grant had sense enough to play barefoot, which gave him a better grip on the log, and better sensing of how it was moving. After they had both fallen, came a touching moment of homoerotic passion, as Grant declared: “I love you, Rob,” as he and the man he will be leaving his wife for after the season ends bobbed about in Fabio’s old urine. I was getting damp myself.

Then came Andrea-or-Ashley vs Ashley-or-Andrea. It was like the mirror routine from The Marx Brothers’ classic movie
Duck Soup played by identical bimbos on a log, only not funny.

Andrea-or-Ashley fell first, though how Jeff could tell which one won I do not know.

Next up was Mansweater vs Steve, the whole of Viva Zapata. Fortunately for Mansweater, no spelling is required, but he better be careful. That man is a living sponge. He comes out of the water weighing six times what he weighed when he went in.

Steve, the former-professional athlete, fell first, while Mansweater, the hog-slopper and steer-herder, lasted longer. There was then a one-hour break while Mansweater was run through a wringer, to get the water back, and refill Fabio’s Latrine.

Then came Natalie vs Chief Numbuts. Would his great-great grandfather, Chief Red Herring, help him beat an 18 year old girl? Apparently. I expected him to leap about, yelling: “How good am I? I slaughtered that little girl. I could take on a whole troupe of girl scouts!”

Next Grant vs Andrea-or-Ashley. I then had a visit from my great-great grandfather, the 19th Century Mormon Bishop and Polygamist, William Haney Hickenlooper, who died in 1888. Was he going to tell me if Grant beat Ashley-or-Andrea? No. All he said was that he would have married Ashley-or-Andrea, Natalie, and Andrea-or-Ashley, “all five of them,” except that by Mormon polygamy standards, they were all over-the-hill. “Once they’re past fourteen, I’m no longer keen,” he said. But premonition or no, Grant, of course, won.

Next up, Mansweater vs Chief Numbnuts. Mansweater has the disadvantage of now weighing twice what he did first round, owing to all the water still soaked up by his fur, but Chief Numbnuts was handicapped by being insane. The winner would be going against Grant in the final round, and, either way, I was speed-dialing a bookie to place a bet on Grant winning Immunity.

Mansweater beat Numbnuts. No surprise. The man is part goat, so he’s very sure-footed.

The Goat vs The Adonis. Mansweater also made the mistake of wearing shoes, which has to be the first time that’s happened. Grant won Immunity and a cake far too large for one. How many would he be allowed to share it with? And what was the surprise prize?

Although Grant was of the opinion that he could eat that entire cake himself, nonetheless, he was allowed one person to share it. Was there any doubt it would be Rob, after he’d just declared his love for him? He could have his cake, and eat him too.

I loved watching the other players clapping in a desultory, bitter fashion for their not getting any cake. Let them eat rice!

Grant was then allowed a second choice to share cake. Mansweater made a bizarre offer: “Man, I’d hug your neck if you’d let me have some o’ dat.” Why would he think that offer would be attractive to - well - any human on earth? Who hugs necks? I mean besides The Boston Strangler, and he’s dead.

Mansweater: “Not a gay person, but I don’ know what else to do.” The hurricane-force winds that swept across America at 8:30 PM last night were actually the exhalations of 4 million deeply-relieved gay men, all saying “Whew!” simultaneously. As for what else could he do; he could offer to - ah - silence Chief Numbnuts. Or just promise to start wearing shirts full time.

Grant chose Andrea-or-Ashley. I wonder why? I mean yes, she “hugged his neck” without scratching up his body, but she’s the very bimbo he’s considering voting out tonight. Is this a consolation prize? You can have some cake, but you’re going home? Natalie looked none-too-pleased, though frankly, these girls all look like they never eat cake anyway. Natalie only weighs two pounds, and the Bimbo Twins together don’t hit a double-digit weight. The cake itself outweighs all three of them.

Jeff tossed the mystery packet to the tribe, telling them to bring it, still unopened, to Tribal Council. What was the point of that? Why even mention it at all at the Challenge, if it’s a twist for council and not a prize?

And then Jeff only gave Rob, Grant, and Andrea-or-Ashley two minutes to scarf cake and milk. And no plates, no forks, no cake slicer. What are they, animals? He’s forcing them to eat like Mansweater on Thanksgiving.

As he ate, Grant said: “Ugglemphgh, grgmphlgrbgh ftagn.” I couldn’t agree more. I think I read that in an H.P. Lovecraft story once. It’s how you summon Great Cthulhu from the sunken city of R’lyeh.

Grant explained his strategy to us. He was putting Andrea-or-Ashley at ease, the better to blindside you ,my dear.

The second half of the show began with some breathtakingly gorgeous shots of beautiful whales breaching the sea. Unfortunately, they then cut back to our players. More whales; Less Chief Numbnuts.

Andrea-or-Ashley began babbling her speculations as to what the “twist” is. There is 100% no point to doing this. It is whatever it is, and we’ll find out at Tribal Council.

But Rob then had the whole tribe pointlessly speculating on it. They said it “felt like a deck of cards” so Andrea-or-Ashley said maybe they drew cards, and the one who got the wrong card would go home. Ah yes, a twist that would completely invalidate any and all game play, and make leaving totally random. I’m betting that’s not it.

In any event, as Oscar Wilde wrote: “These speculations are profitless.”

Mansweater tried to make a pointless statement to Steve, as they wondered which of them was going home, but it came out as:

Mansweater: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

Steve: “Pardon me?”

Mansweater: “Qwsghdl offgruten shani wallace yuggoth.”

Steve: “One more time?”

Mansweater: “There’s gonna be none telling what happens.” (Thank you CBS for the subtitle.) That was a long way to go for a sentence not even close to grammatically correct. Who knew Mansweater read Lovecraft? Who knew Mansweater can read? What amused me was it was no big deal to Mansweater to be asked to repeat himself twice. I’ll bet few people ever understand what he’s saying first crack out of the barrel.


Mansweater sat on a rock and told us: “Gribbledung blurbington chopping block tonight bgrfgh twist at Tribal dorfknoocky paddington.” I think he may be right. (I’m guessing at the spelling of “bgrfgh.”)

Rob had his plans worked out, and also can speak intelligibly, despite his thick Boston accent. Steve was burned out and apathetic. Mansweater still had some game, unless the next challenge was tongue twisters. Therefore, Mansweater was marked for death.

But Rob was bothered by the secret twist: “I don’t understand why there has to be a twist.” Then allow me to enlighten you, Rob. You have this game so utterly under your control, so mapped out and finalized, that I get complaints, usually 20 or 30 each week just from “Saddle Bum” alone, in my comments column, endlessly and tiresomely bitching and whining that the season is “too predictable.” And what do they do when things get too predictable? They toss in a twist to shake things up. And things need a really thorough shaking at the moment.

But Rob doesn’t want things shook up. He likes things just as they are, with him on a straight track to victory. He can’t strategize or prepare for a secret twist, and it irritates him.

So, just in case the twist was an immediate second elimination vote, Rob floated to Ashley-or-Andrea and Natalie, voting out Mansweater first, and then Andrea-or-Ashley, for the sin of feeling sorry for Dr. Jesus. They were all for it. Sitting there watching Andrea-or-Ashley stuff herself full of chocolate cake hadn’t helped her case either.

Ashley-or-Andrea on Boston Rob: “We’re kinda taking our lead from him.”
Kinda? Yeah, the way the allied troops in the European theater of war during World War II “kinda” took their orders from General Eisenhower.

Steve crept over to Natalie and Ashley-or-Andrea, telling them that he and Mansweater were voting for Rob tonight, and trying to seduce them into turning “this whole thing upside down,” and joining their vote. This is like telling Susan Atkins and Patricia Krenwinkle that “we’re killing Charlie Manson tonight.” Frankly, if he’d said Chief Numbnuts, he might have had a shot, not much of a shot, but a shot. They, of course, ran right off to report the offer to Rob, as required in his bylaws.

Of course, what Steve accomplished by this was getting Rob’s target-site swung over from Mansweater to himself. Nice of him.

Tribal Council: It’s only 40 minutes into the show. Tribal Council normally comes around 50 minutes in, so we’re in for something, probably connected to that twist. Last week, over on EW.com, Jeff Probst promised a Tribal twist “that nobody saw coming.” Well, they’ve seen coming random drawing for elimination (Ridiculous. It won’t be that), or a double-vote Council, so either it’s neither of those, or Jeff didn’t know what they saw coming.

Jeff asked Andrea-or-Ashley if she’d maybe consider making a big move tonight, and joining the Last Stand of Viva Zapata, but she feels “completely safe tonight.”

When even Chief Numbnuts wasn’t buying Steve’s feeble-and-harmless act, he brought up Rob’s betrayal of allies in previous seasons. While this is actually a solid point, it’s not making a dent on these guys and gals.

Now they were voting at 43 minutes into the show. Oh, we will be getting another elimination. What else will they do for ten minutes? Play Scrabble? (Imagine playing Scrabble with Mansweater. “Yes you have put ‘Zaquapia’ across a triple-word space, but it’s not a word.” “Are ye callin’ my grandmammy a liar?”)

As the vote began, Steve whispered “Let’s do it” to Natalie. Steve! You’re 51. She’s 18, almost one-third your age. That’s inappropriate at best, revolting at worst.

Mansweater actually spelled Rob’s name correctly on his ballot. That’s something for him to be proud of on Zombie Island, where he was quickly sent. It’s just as well his torch was put out. Every time I saw it near his furry shoulders, I worried about the fire hazard.




Twist Time: “This could be interesting,” whispered David to Julie on the jury. I sure hope so.

The twist turned out to be that they would play another Immunity Challenge right then, and then vote someone else out. Well Jeff, they did see 50% of the twist coming, and even prepared for it, so your “twist nobody saw coming” wasn’t all that accurate.

The package did indeed hold a stack of cards, and Jeff was then dealing out stacks of cards to everyone. “Steve’s gotta win” whispered Julie to David, ignoring the fact that Steve never wins challenges. She just can’t be right this week to save her life, which she failed to do.

It’s a memory challenge. They have to show back, using the cards, symbols Jeff will show them, in the came order he showed them. Oh dear. A mental challenge. The smart money will be on Rob.

Natalie and Chief Numbnuts, the two biggest dummies left, went out first. They both made amazing mistakes. They didn’t just show the symbols in the wrong order; they showed symbols Jeff hadn’t displayed at all. It’s one thing to get the order you were shown them wrong, but to think he’d shown you a symbol he hadn’t shown at all
takes real stupidity. I guess those federal agents aren’t trained to remember what they’ve seen for an entire three minutes.

Grant and Andrea-orAshley went out next. They got the order wrong, but at least they showed symbols that had been shown to them. As I predicted, Rob won.

Steve switched his vote to Grant this time. I have no idea why. Did Grant play for NFL teams Steve had played against? (In different decades, obviously, there being a 22 year difference in their ages and all.)

But Rob had also changed his mind, because Andrea-or-Ashley was not voted out, Steve was, and the last of Viva Zapata was gone to Zombie Island. I was disappointed. As shake-ups go, this twist was a fizzle. I was looking forward to one less bimbo in camp. Well now, next week, the Up Tempo Tribe can begin feasting on itself.

So the Zombie Island challenge next week will be what? A duel duel? A Quad-Doofus Tournament? Bridge? Scrabble? Uh-oh, Mansweater, if it’s Scrabble, you’re doomed, although Dr. Jesus will probably spell all his words in Latin.

Cheers darlings.


To read more of Tallulah Morehead, buy her book, My Lush Life. Also, you can read Little Dougie's contributions to the newly published book Creatures of the Night That We Loved So Well: The TV Horror Hosts of Southern California by James Fetters.

47 comments:

Natalie Sztern said...

Why can't I get rid of the feeling that Chief Featherbrain is a 'plant'; he has perfectly white straight teeth (i always look at teeth as an indicator of class; if teeth look good chances are they are kept good and that goes to character) perhasp because at 54 I just came out of them...it is absolutely impossible that Chief Featherbrain is real.

How come u haven't done a search of the FBI or something...I am telling you he is a conscious plant and he is going to be the game changer...there is just no other way because he is clearly not of right mind too clearly

Tallulah Morehead said...

His former federal dental plan probably keeps his teeth intact, or maybe they're replacement teeth, but how a man acts and speaks tells me more than his teeth. He's no plant. They are legally prohibited from placing plants among real contestants. The FCC is STRICT about game show rule enforcement.

He was found by a producer of the show, skateboarding or roller skating, on wheels anyway, in Venice, CA, probably in fuchsia shorts and feathers, and the producer was struck by what a "character" he is, and that's how he got on the show. Not a plant. Same way we got stuck with would-be Goodfella Dan last season; a producer met him in a bar and thought he'd be a good character.

Next they'll be trolling insane asylums, the only place to find people even crazier.

MiddayDark said...

Even in an asylum they probably couldn't find anyone crazier than Beelzebimbo or Featherbrain. I'm all for it.

Honestly though, it isn't even Fuschia Phil's neuroses that bother me - it's his incredible hypocrisy. If I have to hear him tell his tribemates not to interrupt him at Tribal one more time (after he undoubtedly interrupted them in the first place) I'm going to concuss myself from trying to jump through the tv screen.

Tallulah Morehead said...

MiddayDark, you are right on the nose! His full-of-himself factor is HIGH indeed/

MirrorGirl said...

Madame Morehead--I've been looking for this over at HuffnPuff for two days, but couldn't find it. Have you abandoned your old post?

DHMO said...

I laughed so hard and so loudly that my budgie fell off its perch. Kudos for standing up to those sensors (sic)at HP sauce.

PabloDiablo said...

Great post. I guess the new overloads of HUFFPO don't appreciate your witty comments regarding Matt's God. Oh well, glad your still posting. I saw Jeff's video blog and it is so nauseating how duped he is by the whole Matt/Faith thing. I don't know how much of that is just marketing to the desired demographic, but it seems that they are really trying hard to force this narrative down our throats. It is getting to be a bit boring these last few episodes and Featherbrains antics are no longer laughable, just tired!

Tallulah Morehead said...

Mirror girl, I haven't abandoned it, but it appears to have abandoned me. They're not returning my emails. MAyeb they'l return yours. My editor's name is Hallie:

Hallie@huffingtonpost.com

Well Pablo Diablo, the Huff Po hasn't told me it has anything to do with my atheism POV. But then, they are not returning my emails, so they haven't explained the bullshit reason they did give me, that it was "too long. Cut HALF of it, when it is NO LONGER than last week's, last month's, last year's, nor all the the year before.

Yes, Jeff's reaction to Dr. Jesus is very opposite of mine. I watched his video blog this week also. he finds all that "Faith" admirable. The odd things people admire. Does he admire people who deeply believe they are Napoleon?

Kaylee Ahnemann said...

Tallulah darling,
first off I want you to know that I sent a pushy (but in a friendly way!) email to Hallie at Huffpo inquiring why your recap was absent. I would like to forward the message to you, I am going to include my email addy in this message, if you reply with your email addy, I will pass the message along. Secondly, bravo on another witty, insightful and well-written recap. I would like it if Matt just suddenly disappeared, never to be seen again, with no explanation. Bible-blather over. Unfortunately, we are stuck with him. (by the way, was that Matt's god that just destroyed a large area of the South, killing hundreds? Shame on Matt, crying like a sissy and making God mad! The tornado was Matt's fault!) I also was disgusted by Steve, not only for playing the game poorly, but mainly for voting for Grant after Grant totally gave him props earlier in the Tribal Council ("Steve was in the NFL. He's not a quitter"). Anyway, the last few episodes have been a bit of a snore strategy-wise but things should pick up now that canniblism will be necessary. Maybe some of the sleepwalkers will finally realize that all 6 of them cannot win together and that it is time to get rid of Rob. Seeing less of Ralph will be a plus as well. Hope to see you back on Huffpo soon!

Kaylee
dentexpert@msn.com

Jae Lachance said...

Could not find you on Huffington Post, came direct to your blog... no choice but to delete Huffington from my bookmarks, since YOU were the best thing on there.... love your madcap sense of humour! Keep it going!

MirrorGirl said...

I have to say I am shocked that they won't allow you to post your blog. I will indeed write to your editor.

Re Jeff's admiration, I think what he admires most is a steady paycheck, and there's no way he's going to jeopardize it for these clowns. He cannot possibly believe half the stuff he's said regarding this season's freakshow (Philip is a serious person who knows what he's doing, Matt's faith is inspiring, etc.; he's even referred to those empty-headed robots as "women"). Whoever cast this mess really left him in a bind. I think he's trying desperately to say something good about people he now wishes had never shown up in the first place--trouble is, the sweat is showing and it's making him look bad.

This was my first time watching Survivor after 5 or 6 seasons, and it has just fallen to pieces. I used to enjoy it, but this is it for me. Just the sight of that pool filled with green Gatorade is making me ill, never mind the contestants.

I enjoy your columns more than the show, so keep them coming!

Tallulah Morehead said...

I have it on good authority that the tornadoes killing hundreds in the deep south were sent by Dr. Jesus's god to punish them for Massachusettes having Gay Marriage.

Jeff is one of the panel of people who select the candidates. He's there for their interviews for the spots, and votes for who will and won't be taken, so unless someone he voted against got in with other votes, he only has himself to blame.

Thank you all for your love and supportive comments.

Anonymous said...

Have registered my annoyance with Hallie. Although I have to say - blog with photos enhances the enjoyment. I could not stand the thought of losing your brilliant comical insight into Survivor.

Jezabel

bws58 said...

Finally found ya, I figured the column was behind due to a Royal Wedding coma cause it didn't occur to me it was a HuffPo/AOL Hell maneuver...silly HuffPo, you were the ast reason I ever even went there...bookmarking this site, and bye bye Po

Anonymous said...

Glad I found your blog. Morehead: 1, God: Zero. (God Herself Couldn't stop Morehead... almost sounds perverted)

Chris said...

I won't be visiting HuffPost anymore till they bring you back either and am so glad that you're still posting here.
Here's the awful premonition that struck me after watching last week's episode: Desolation Island is now reaching critical numbers and what if next week there's a melee between the remaining Survivors and the second-chancers, the losing team having to vote off several members to the jury? That would certainly shake things up and could be the only way to break Rob's stranglehold on the game, even though, after Grant, he's the one I'd like to see win.

GardenGuy said...

I too sent an email to Hallie. I asked specifically why your article was not posted so I hope to hear back from her. I mentioned that the longer the article the more space there was for their ads on the side of the page! I'll be following you where ever you write. I already set up a new bookmark for this page.

drb19810 said...

My favorite lines from this episode (paraphrased) -

Matt - My God is awesome. Everything I do is to honor God. I am an instrument of God's will. God has been carrying me.

Jeff - Let's play shuffleboard!

Tallulah - thank God I found your blog. Please keep it up. It has literally been carrying me.

Patrick said...

Like others here I've been looking for your latest update on HP. Now that I've found your blog I understand what has happened. I've sent an email to your editor expressing my displeasure with HP. Let me know if there are any other email addresses I should copy.

Patrick said...

Love your blog. Any chance you'd consider not using italics? Makes reading very hard on my eyes. It also kind of changes the tone in my head, as if there's some stress put on every word :)

Marke said...

Tallulah, can you please update us on what YOU have heard from HP?

bluzkat said...

Like others, I'm happy to have found your blog. I was having withdrawal symptoms without my weekly recap, which was fabulous as usual.

I enjoy your scathing commentary. I admit, though, I love the Redemption Island twist. If Matt comes back to the final 3, he may win it. I bet he wins the fan vote and prize at Final Tribal Council. Also, if Chief Featherbrain goes to the end and says, "Ha, fooled you all." I'd vote for him. I am really looking forward to seeing if he's crazy as in mad or crazy like a fox.

Tallulah Morehead said...

What I have heard from Huff Po is exactly nothing at all. I have sent Hallie TWO emails asking for clarification, and have received no replies whatever, going on six days now. Unless she was killed in the raid on Osama's home, there's really no excuse. Have any of you received replies?

This week I will write my reglar column and "submit it". If it is rejected again, that will be it. I'll post it here, then I will stop writing them. Too much work, too many long nights for the - sorry - vastly smaller readership I have here.

Here are my quality readers, but doing the Huff Po was always all about increasing my readership to a size where publishers would be more interested in my next book. (all done, and seeking publication. title: Tallyho Tallulah!) I know from four years here that this blog doesn't do it, though I will continue to post material here, but the Survivor and Big Brother recaps will end.

bluzkat said...

Nooooooo, say it isn't so! I LOVE your recaps. I don't even watch BB, but I read your hilarious recaps. It's better than the actual show. There has to be a way to drive more people to your blog. I wish I were smarter about that.

Anonymous said...

Thought. It is possible Hallie is gone? Was she let go and everyones emails are just 'floating around' in cyber-space? Who else can we contact?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for letting me know where to find you!

pamurchu said...

So glad to have found you, Old Girl. I too have been checking HP for your blog. I was actually worried that something had happened to you healthwise, and am quite relieved that you are here, still stirring the pot, with your Survivor comments. (Which, by the way, are exponentially more interesting than this season...)Hopefully, HP will continue posting your updates. There must be a place for your humor there. Today's HP has an article about a grown man who lives his life as a baby, complete with a photo of him in a playpen on its front page. If there is room for that nonsense, then there must be room for you!

PacifisticPanda said...

If they choose to give Tallulah the boot, I shall boycott no .... we shall boycott the huffingtonpost. We shall rise up! They did it in Egypt, WE CAN DO IT HERE!

But seriously, please don't leave me Tallulah. I've been reading for 2 years, I can't stop now. Sure there's Dalton Ross but......... you're far out of his league.

Darcianne said...

I have also left an email for your editor--and I'm so glad I was able to track down your blog. I look forward to your Survivor column more than I do the actual show! Keep up the great work!

Patrick said...

Tallulah,
When I sent an email to Hallie on May 3rd, I received the following out of office notice:

I am out of the office and will return May 10th. Please forward all
urgent blog-related inquires to clare@huffingtonpost.com.

Tallulah Morehead said...

That's more reply than I've had. So she took her shots and then took it oon the lam. Undoubtedly intentional timing.

kaylee ahnemann said...

Tallulah darling,
now that Redemption (which-is-not-really-an) Island has become Camp Sausage Fest, we will see if anyone back at Camp RobsInCharge has the balls to make a big move. Grant probably has big balls but he also has a mancrush on Rob. I don't want to even discuss Phillip's balls. And the vapid 3 (Andrea or Ashley, Natalie, and Ashley or Andrea) have only been tea-bagged by balls. They will probably all just sit there and continue to do as Rob says. Hopefully something interesting happens tonight!

Tallulah Morehead said...

Isn't it nice to be able to comment without worrying about "moderation"?

Anonymous said...

Glad I found you Tallulah!
I will be writing Hallie too voice my displeasure with them.
Drumz

MirrorGirl said...

Tallulah, I never got a reply from the elusive Hallie, either. I'm sorry to hear that you will quit the recap after this week if they don't post it over at HuffnPuff, but I can understand. I've wondered for a long time why people post there at all--I've always assumed you guys don't get paid, or not much anyway.

Tonight's ep was interesting for a couple of moments when it looked as though Andrea might beat Rob, but then Rob killed himself to win the challenge and did. Of course, I doubt it would have occurred to the rest of the idiots to vote Rob off even had he lost, but it would have been nice to see the look on his face.

Will be back later to check out this week's blog. Ciao!

Anonymous said...

Tallulah: I adore your recaps, and rest assured I have voiced my displeasure to HuffPo for their actions. It's asking a lot, but please reconsider filing your recaps (even in abbreviated form) through the end of this season-- it could lead to another entertainment website picking you up for all we know, and we, your dedicated fans, will greatly appreciate it. I am well aware of how long these posts take to craft, but I'm hoping you will stick around through the end of the season regardless (unlike Matt).

I have a theory regarding Russell which I have not seen advanced anyplace else-- and apologies if it has, but here goes: CBS and Mark Burnett have gone to great lengths to bury and downplay Russell Hantz's boot list leaks to SurvivorSucks, a clear violation of his contract with a massive fine ($5M?) for the perp. In Burnett's eyes, Russell = Ratings, so I'm thinking he made a deal with the devil. You can find Probst's video exit interview with Russell easily enough online, and ol' Jeffrey all but groveled to get Hantz to come back. My guess is that the producers offered Russell the option of either a return engagement vs. two open-and-shut breach of contract lawsuits. Your thoughts?

Oh, and I had the "honor" of having Mark Burnett hit me up for $80,000 way back when his lone claim to fame was airing the Eco Challenge outdoor adventure race series. I turned him down. True story.

Keep up the great work!

Gregg in Germany

James Nichols said...

I absolutely love your work and look forward to your posts every Thursday, and have now read all of your past articles.

aprilinva said...

Tallulah, know that even if the powers that be at HuffPo are idiots, we are still cheering for you here. Not surprisingly, I posted a comment at HuffPo earlier today expressing my concern that it was your anti-religious stance that made them wary (pussies) and don't you know they yanked the comment in short order (and I didn't even use the p-word there!). Miss your Survivor recaps, hope you and Dougie are healthy and happy.

April in Virginia

GardenGuy said...

Tallulah, I got a canned reply back from Hallie saying she was out of the office until May 10th and was told "Please forward all
urgent blog-related inquires to clare@huffingtonpost.com" So maybe she really hasn't seen your emails yet.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"GardenGuy said...
Tallulah, I got a canned reply back from Hallie saying she was out of the office until May 10th and was told "Please forward all
urgent blog-related inquires to clare@huffingtonpost.com" So maybe she really hasn't seen your emails yet."


She saw mine before she left, as the first was in reply to the one she'd sent me that day (last Thursday) saying she wasn't running last week's column unless it was cut by 50%. She may not have seen emails sent after last Friday, but mine were on Thursday and Friday, in which case she'll have a lovely inbox stuffed with your complaints to come back to on Monday. Thanks to all for your loyalty in writing.

Lisa Lindell said...

I emailed Clare-
Lisa
Houston TX

dannyo152 said...

Telling you too many words is like telling Cecil B. DeMille "Too many Christians."

Though, as I think about it, if there was something about which I may criticize Survivor: Redemption Island...

Too many words? Pardon me Ms Hallie, but you're kinda missing the point. Do we have to assign viewing "Amadeus" as homework.

I hope HP let you back at full strength. I mean, sheesh, how many "No really, Ayn Rand just like you, fed her goldfish and therefore, oh liberal, you really should cheer this movie of her book" can we bear without some Tallulah to cleanse the palate.

I just caught up on the current season, and the Redemption Island That Is Not An Island bit is working better than I expected. I suppose what would really throw a wrench in the game-as-we-know-it is if the last Redemption Island Contest is for the third finalist position.

OooSillyMe said...

Oh Tallulah I am so glad to have found your blog and that you are well. I was worried sick... I sent Hallie an email stating my displeasure at missing your column. Please don't give up your blog posts...we need you.

AnnieNigma said...

Ms Moorehead,
After finally discovering your fine postings here, I went back and sent a reply to your last HP posting of April 21. In it I wrote I believed since HP joined up with AOL, the censors have taken over, and it must be your take on Dr. Jesus that sent them over the edge. I also commented on their Christian hypocrisy and doubted I would get past the moderator. I didn't.

Is it just me, or has anyone else noted the change on Huffington Post? It used to be a welcoming place, but now seems to have been invaded by extreme right wing trolls who will not even tolerate a difference of opinion.

Thank you for speaking your truth and calling out the hypocrisy factor. And, thank you for always making me laugh out loud with your well written, witty observations on Survivor. You are a treasure that I am grateful to have found. . . again.

Well done, Mr. Moorehead.

Josi said...

(I’m guessing at the spelling of “bgrfgh.”)

I think you have the Gaelic-celtic spelling there dear. The more common recent spelling is bgrrfgh, so that you emphasis the rolling of the tongue.

Seriously though, I stopped at that point and laughed for several minutes before I could continue. No additional stroking of ego necessary by lauding your brilliance and wit once again.

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