Sorry to have been so long since posting, but I’ve been too busy covering Survivor for The Huffington Post , and watching the final season of Lost, the first season of the 11th Doctor Who, drinking, and shagging my gardener’s son, Eduardo, to blog here.
Lost concludes on Sunday. Much as I love it, I’m glad for it to end, and be a complete thing, a story I will soon know all of, six volumes of DVDs on my dining room shelf. I can stop worrying about dying before I got to the end, and just worry about dying without a martini.
However, the end of Lost has unleashed The Geek Squad: idiot fans who never cease pillorying Damon Lindeloff and Carlton Cuse for not writing the show they have in their, the fans’, heads, instead of the show in their, Lindeloff’s & Cuse’s, heads. Frankly, I’m not interested in the show inside the fans’ heads. If they were talented writers, they’d be professional writers.
One such geek, named Charlie Jane Anders, posted a list of 50 Questions she feels Lost MUST answer in the finale or she will attack ABC, and annoy it to death. You know, the fans don’t own the show. I have decided to go through her list, answer what I can, discard the trivialities, and just generally shoot my mouth off. After all, I’ve been dating The Smoke Monster, who not only smokes after sex, he smokes during sex! I insist he remain in smoke form during sex. I’d shag Titus Welliver, but not Terry O’Quinn. Sorry Terry. I love you, but not "that way." Frankly, my Lost sex dreams involve being the meat in a Sawyer-Jacob sandwich, or getting my brains shagged out by the magnificent Mr. Eko.
I will revisit this column after I’ve seen the finale, and check off answers as we got them.I'm ba-ack. My post-Lost finale addendums will be in this green print.
On to the questions:
1. So the island is the place with the glowy light that's inside all of us. Does this mean the Island's alive? People talk about what the island "wants." What do they mean? Is the island Eywa?
Coincidentally, "eywa" is just what I said when I read this article. I suspect that The Island is alive, and possibly even sentient. Who is Eywa? Isn't it spelt "Iowa"?
Whether The Island was actually alive or not, or sentient was not answered. I'm okay with that remaining a mystery.
2. How come the island heals people? Why does it heal them selectively?
The Source is obviously The Spark of Life. So I would expect it could heal. As for doing it selectively, that’s part of the sentient Island manipulating people to do Its will.
I saw nothing to encourage me to change this opinion. but keep that Source-hole plugged if you want to stay healed.
3. Who was the woman who raised Jacob and the Man In Black, and how did she get there?
Allison Janney. President Bartlett sent her to make sure the Republicans never find The Source. The Smoke Monster is Karl Rove. No, I’m sorry, Rove is The Blowing-Smoke Monster.
Never answered, so my answer stands.
4. If Jacob was a Roman, why is he so into Egyptian gods?
The Romans conquered Egypt. They all thought Cleopatra was hot. And I was!
Never answered, so my answer must be right.
5. What was with those Egyptian symbols that appeared in the Hatch when the countdown went past 108 minutes? That didn't seem like the Dharma Initiative's style.
Who cares? The Dharma Initiative was heavily into Egyptology. Remember Jack cleaning the Dharma classroom blackboard in season 5? It was covered with Egyptian symbols and Egyptology lessons being taught to the wee ones, like Little Ben. Maybe they thought Cleopatra was hot. And I was!
Never answered, so my answer stands.
6. Jacob told Alpert some previous visitors to the island had built that Taweret statue. Did he tell them to build it? Why Taweret?
He didn't like Osirus, and Anubis was rude to him at a party once. This is so unimportant. (Anders is utterly unable to distinguish between Important Questions and trivialities.) Maybe that will be answered, but if it isn’t, Who cares? And Toweret is particularly into protecting mothers, and Jacob's mom had needed protection she didn't get. (It's not widely known, but Jacob lost his virginity to Isis.)
Never answered, so my answer stands.
7. (a)Is Jacob bringing people to the island, as the Man In Black suggests? (b)If so, then who was bringing all those people to the island before Jacob did it? (c) Why does Jacob want to bring so many people to the island? (d) What was he trying to prove to the Man In Black?
That’s four questions. In order: A. Yes, Jacob brought them. That was definitively answered in What They Died For.
B. Who said the people who came before Jacob were brought there? Maybe they just arrived there by accident.
C. To prove the Man in Black and Mom wrong about people being inherently bad. That was definitively answered also.
D. See "C" above.
8. Why did Widmore bring Desmond to the island? What's the sacrifice Desmond has to make?
He brought Desmond because of his unique resistance to electromagnetism, and because Jacob told him too. We’ll will certainly find out the answer to the sacrifice query in the finale.
Well, we know what the Sacrifice was now. Des was to give his life to turn off The Island's Life Force long enough to kill The Smoke Monster. Fortunately for he, Penny, and Little Charlie Hume, Jack took the hit.
9. Why was Charlie fated to die, exactly? What did Charlie's death accomplish, in the end?
Far more importantly, why am I fated to die? Some folks just are. You haven’t noticed this? It saved The Island and the castaways from Widmore’s mercenaries, and it allowed The Oceanic 6 to escape The Island. Weren’t you paying attention? That was obvious at the time!
10. (a) Was that the Smoke Monster telling Ben and Locke to move the island, back in season four? If so, why did Smokey want the island moved? (b) What did moving the island accomplish exactly?
A. Yes. (She's just unable to ever work out an answer for herself just by watching the show.)
B. It got Ben and Locke to the mainland so Ben could kill Locke off-island and bring his body back for Smokey to inhabit, all essential to Smokey’s plan. It also got the Island unstuck in time, needed to work out the Faraday Life-Death paradoxes.
11. (a) Why was Libby in the same mental hospital as Hurley? What's her deal exactly? (b) Why was she in Australia?
A. Coincidence or fate. You pick. Her deal is scale-plus 10%, and residuals.
B. Who cares? So unimportant.
12. Why did the Smoke Monster kill Mr. Eko? Why did the Smoke Monster leave Rousseau alive after killing or "claiming" the rest of her expedition?
Mr. Eko wanted to go direct a movie. Rousseau was a mother.
New Question: why weren't Alt-Rousseau and Alt-Alex at the church at the end?
13. Who made the Rules? Like, what's preventing Smokey from killing the Candidates directly?
Mom.
Jack should have quick made a new rule that Smokey couldn't hurt him either, since Mom's rules didn't apply to Jacob's replacement. That way, Smokey couldn't have killed him.
14. What was so special about Walt? No, really. They made a big deal out of it and everything.
Have you seen Walt lately? He’s grown up hot! That's special enough for me! I do hope this will be addressed.
Never answered, and I admit, I needed an answer for this. Well, they have promised more answers in the DVDs. Maybe there.
15. Jacob was immortal, right? So what made him decide he needed to start doing such a huge head-hunting search for his replacement?
Jacob was not immortal. He couldn’t have died of illness or old age, thanks to The Source, but he could be stabbed to death in the chest, as we saw. He's a man, not a god. And he told us why he hunted for replacements in What They Died For, because he knew the Man in Black would succeed eventually. Weren’t you paying attention?
16. Why is Aaron so important? Why wasn't Kate supposed to raise him?
I hope this will be addressed in the finale.
For me, of all the unaswered questions, this was the most-egregious. Again and again, it was drummed into us that the fate of Aaron, and who raised him, was of crucial importance to the whole world, and then that line of inquery was just dropped altogether, and never addressed, though he will finally get to meet his real mommy. But what was so important about Aaron?
Additionally, Baby Aaron in the final scene, in Alt-World/Nice-Purgatory, was that baby actually the ghost of Aaron? Because one would expect the Aaron there to be whatever age he will be when he dies, and we know he didn't die as an infant. Plot hole!
18. Why isn't Kate a candidate?
Answered. Because she became a mother.
19. (a) What was the Dharma Initiative really up to on the Island? (b) What was their ultimate goal? (c) Why did the Hanso Foundation regard the Dharma Initiative as a failure?
A. To conduct experiments allowed by the Island’s unique properties.
B. To learn stuff.
C. Because they were massacred. Would you call that a success?
19. (A) It seems like everyone who was a passenger on Oceanic 815 has numerous connections that they don't even know about. Like Jack and Claire being half-siblings, and Sawyer's ex-girlfriend helping Kate confront her mom. (b)What caused this excessive degree of synchronicity?
A. Only the survivors had connections. The people who died in the crash had none. Nor did Cindy the stewardess-turned-Other, and the two kids she's been foster-mothering.
B. You mean who caused this excessive degree of synchronicity. Jacob.
20. What really happens if the Smoke Monster leaves the island?
He kills everyone on earth, and George Bush returns to the White House. And if he destroys The Island, and thus The Source, all Life is ended. Pay attention.
21. In the "flash-sideways" universe, the island is under water. When exactly did this happen?
Hopefully we’ll find out. But I suspect British Petroleum is somehow involved.
Okay, we found out, and the answer is --- never. That was an imaginary world the castaways created together to get back together and move on in the afterlife. The Island was real. The alt-world was not.
22. How/when did Roger Linus and Pierre Chang get off the island before it sank?
You mean in the Sideways Universe? In the Sideways Universe, they were never on The Island. (Oops. I am wrong here, at least in about Roger and Ben Linus. A review of Dr. Linus reveals that Roger says he and Ben were there, but left. As to when, I have no clue, but it was not during the pre-Incident evacuation, as Young non-alt-Ben was with The Others in The Temple at that time. I hope this question gets answered.)
Ah-HA! it was all make-believe. They imagined alt-world after they died.
23. Why did Ben and Widmore hate each other quite so much? Why couldn't Ben just shoot Widmore in the face that one time when Ben came into Widmore's bedroom?
Already answered. Because they wanted each other’s power. And Ben didn't shoot Widmore in his bedroom because he wanted Widmore to suffer the grief of losing his child as Ben had. The dead don’t suffer. They’re dead. When he shot Widmore in his living room in New Otherton, it was because he couldn't kill Penny. Pay attention.
24. Why did Widmore order Keamy's gang to kill everyone on the island except for Ben? Especially since Widmore is so keen for Locke to lead the Oceanic Six back to the island a few years later. And why exactly is Widmore so keen for the Oceanic Six to come back to the island? Because they're Candidates? Or some other reason? If he is keen for there to be Candidates on the island, why did he order Keamy to kill them all?
Another question that is already answered. Widmore wanted revenge, and The Island all for himself, until Jacob visited him, and straightened him out. After all, if all Life on earth is destroyed, that includes Charles Widmore.
24. After Richard Alpert met Jacob and Jacob explained the island to him, why didn't Richard repeat that explanation to everyone he met?
Duh. Because Jacob told him not to. And maybe he did tell The Others. The Cult of Jacob seemed to understand the stakes. What makes you think he didn't?
25. How did Richard and the Others decide whom to recruit from among the various people who came to the island after that? What was the deal with all those lists? The lists weren't lists of Candidates, since the Others didn't try to recruit Sawyer or Jack. So what were they?
Jacob sent the lists; ask him. Did you just forget Ben saying "All those lists..." to Jacob shortly before he killed him?
26. Why did the Incident in 1977 leave the island's women unable to give birth? What's with the huge importance placed on fertility on the island, what with the Tawaret statue? Why are so many women separated from their babies?
Did The Incident cause it, or was it a punishment for The Dharma Purge? I do hope the pregnancy problem is addressed. As for why so many children were separated from their mothers, to save them. Mothers are a bad lot. Jacob's was, and mine was a horror. In any event, an island containing The Source of Life would of course be all about fertility and the passing on of Life. Unless Charlotte's dying words, "This place is Death," were right.
Well, the pregnancy problem cause was never addresssed. I still maintain it was punishment for The Dharma Purge (Genocide is a pretty huge crime, and demands huge punishment.), but it might have been "The Incident" as suggested above. Maybe they'll tell us on the DVDs. And Charlotte's dying words were wrong. The Island wasn't Death. The Alt-World was Death.
27. So why was Widmore unable to return to the island? And then why was he able to return to the island after all? Also, why did turning the donkey wheel mean that Ben was unable to return to the island, except with the Oceanic Six?
Widmore couldn’t return because he broke The Rules and was banished. He was able to return because Jacob lifted his ban and summoned him. Clearly turning the wheel did not prevent Ben from returning, and his task was to bring back The Oceanic 6 and Locke, though the assignment probably came as much from Smokey as from Jacob. Ben had a poor grasp on whom he was getting his orders from. But he gets them from Hurley now.
28. What was the deal with that brand on Juliet's lower back? The cross/asterisk thing?
(Zzzzzzzz) Just The Others’ version of a scarlet letter. And Sweet Holy Heaven, what a boring, trivial, unimportant question. Who cares?
29. Where did that supply drop come from? You know, the huge pallet of food and stuff?
The Hanso Corporation, who thought The Swan was still manned. After all, "if the world hadn't ended, someone must have been still pushing the button" would be their logic.
30. Who built that weird Dharma Initiative door that leads to a stone wall? Did the Others put it there as part of their fake village?
Okay. What are you talking about?
All right. I finally figured out you meant at that village where Walt was held. I assume that obviously old wall with heiroglyphics was ancient. They musty have built the fake village around it. That was so obvious at the time, it never occured to me to be a question, and was long forgotten.
31. Was Rousseau "claimed" by the Smoke Monster the same way Claire and Sayid were?
No! All her colleagues were, but not her. That was VERY CLEAR BACK IN SEASON 5!
32. What was the Sickness that the Dharma Initiative was vaccinating people against? Is it similar to the Smoke Monster "claiming" people, or something else?
It was a fake disease, designed to scare and control people. Again, that was answered ages ago. Pay attention.
33. When the Smoke Monster told Sayid that he could have Nadia back from the dead, was he referring to the "flash sideways" universe, or something else? Or just lying?
Duh. He was lying. All his promises to recruit folks were lies. Do you use your own brain at all when you watch the show?
34. What was the deal with Pierre Chang having so many wacky pseudonyms?
Oh man, is that unimportant. Leave that one unanswered. It’s lots more fun as just a puzzling detail. Let’s just say he had an immense fear of identity theft. Or he was on the run from the fuzz, like half of the castaways. Who cares? By the way, which were the "wacky" ones?
35. What were the Others having Kate and Sawyer build? Was it really going to be a runway? For what?
Okay, you are really starting to annoy me. This was so answered last season! It was a runway, and it was built so that Ajira 316 could land on it. Did you think they were building a second runway on Hydra Island? Were you paying any attention at all during season 5? Jacob ordered it, because he knew that, three years later, it would be needed. Really, pay attention, and stop asking questions that have already been answered a year ago.
And so Ajira 316 could take off again. It also meant that the runway Kate and Sawyer were forced at gunpoint to work on building was what enabled them to return to civilization. That was a pretty cool irony.
36. So if the hydrogen bomb going off caused the "flash sideways" universe and prevented Oceanic 815 from crashing, how did it change Hurley's lottery numbers, or make Sawyer a cop instead of a con-man?
Who said the hydrogen bomb went off? The Island doesn't look post-nuclear blast to me. And whenever the sideways Island sank, it wasn't in 1977, as Dr. Linus never went there at all. Anyway, we should get some of that answer in the finale. (Again, oops. I am wrong about Dr. Linus never having been on The Island. However, I remain unconvinced that the bomb ever went off, and I believe, from a long list of alt-Universe clues, that The Island may well have sunk earlier. We'll see. I am certain that this will be answered in the finale. It is an important question, unlike what was "Juliet's brand all about".)
Smirk Mode engaged, as Kryten would say on Red Dwarf. I was right. The H-Bomb never went off at all.
27. Is Ji Yeon the "Kwon" who's a candidate?
No. For one thing, Jacob's never laid a finger on her. (And now that we know Kate was crossed off the list because she became a mother, we can deduce that the "Kwon" candidate was Jin, since Sun was a mother.)
28. Who's the mother of Jack's son David in the "flash-sideways" universe? On a related note, where's alt-Juliet?
I’m sure we’ll find out in the finale. Alt-Juliet is busy fighting lizard aliens. I strongly suspect that Alt-Juliet is the mother of Jack’s son. We’ll see at the concert.
I'm not going to engage Smirk Mode here, because pretty much everyone on earth figured out that Alt-Juliet would be David Shepherd's mother, except for the little minor fact that David Shepherd never really existed.
29. What happened to the body of Christian Shephard on the "flash-sideways" Flight 815?
Don’t know. Don’t care.
30. Come to think of it, what happened to Christian's body on the island?
Don’t know. Don’t care. So unimportant.
31. Sayid was "claimed" by the Smoke Monster, but he still had free will afterward. What did that being "claimed" thing mean anyway?
Clearly, the "claim" didn’t take, or wore off. His humanity re-awoke. Maybe Dogen was wrong.
Speaking of Dogen, he was in the alt-world. Why wasn't he at the church at the end?
32. What does god need with a starship? I mean, why does Locke need an airplane to leave the island?
He’s not a god. If he didn't need transport off The Island, he'd have left millenia ago. And that airplane was never going anywhere. A tree broke through the windshield and killed the co-pilot when it landed. How do you fly a jet with a broken windshield in the cockpit? How would you even turn it around on the runway? Everyone get out and push?
Well, I was spectacularly wrong about the airplane not going anywhere. I was really amused watching them "repair" the windshield. Nailing up - what? Plywood? - over the window! Let's hope those nails made for an airtight seal, or they may all get sucked out the crack like Goldfinger was. Watching them nailing it up, I said aloud to Little Dougie, "At least they're not using duct tape." Then - Boom! Out came the duct tape, and just about Myles's last funny line. Frank managed to get the plane turned around on his own. Too bad they didn't find Cindy. She could have returned to her old sterwardess job. Now she'll be ruled by Hurley. For me, getting the plane working again was the biggest stretch, though I cheered when we saw that Frank Lapidus had survived getting slammed by an iron door, and being in a sunken submarine.
33. Why are the Numbers so important? I get that each of the Numbers corresponds to one of the remaining Candidates as of a while ago. But that's just another instance of the Numbers popping up in relation to something. Why these numbers? Why were they powerful long before Jack, Hurley, et al. came to the island?
Once Jacob had assigned the numbers to his candidates, based on the degrees his lighthouse viewer had to be aimed at to see them, they gained power. Who knows why, or cares?
34. And come to think of it, what was the point of having someone broadcasting the numbers over the radio over and over again for years?
So Hurley would receive them is my best guess. But it's too unimportant to think about.
35. If Jacob is dead, and his ghost is wandering around talking to Hurley, what's with the little kid version of Jacob? Why can only certain people, like Sawyer, see the little-kid Jacob?Jacob’s ghost can appear as an adult or as a child. And now all the candidates can see him. When the fire burns out, no one will be seeing him ever again. And they are so not going to waste time in the finale answering that unimportant triviality.36. Who was Juliet inviting to coffee? What sort of coffee? Can I come? Will there be biscotti, or madeleines?Alt-Lizard-Sawyer. De-Caf. You're not invited. In fact, she mentioned you specifically as not-invited.I knew it was alt-Sawyer when she said it, back in the first episode of this season, and I was right. As for whether you can go. Fine, but you have to be dead to go.
37. Why can't the Smoke Monster cross a line of ash? What about the sonic fence?The circle of ash (not a line; always a circle. The one at the cabin went all the way around the cabin.) is very old, very traditional magic. You’ll find it in the novel Dracula. The sonic fence is effective against it because it is.38. So the Man In Black can't leave the island. But Jacob was wandering off the island all the time, buying Louis Vuitton luggage, touching the Oceanic Six and various other people, and stocking up on Flannery O'Connor books. At one point, Jacob opened a dance studio in Newark. What gives?Jacob was alive, and powerful, and in charge. The Man in Black had been killed, and made into a Smoke Monster, tied to The Island by The Source, unable to leave. The Island is a "Designated Smoke Monster Area." Rather obvious.39. When Ben took Locke to Jacob's Cabin, there was a weird telekinetic storm and Locke heard a voice saying "Help me." Was that Jacob? Or the M.I.B.? What sort of help did the voice have in mind? More importantly, what's with the dog painting in Jacob's Cabin???It was the Man in Black. He wanted, and got, Locke’s help in killing Jacob and leaving the island. MIB liked doggies, but couldn’t get one of the ones that show dogs playing poker because Sam Malone had bought them all up.That was only 39 questions. Sort of The 39 Steps to Annoyance. This character can’t even count. And she didn’t even ask what has become of Rose & Bernard, or Vincent the doggie, or what the Man in Black’s name is. (It’s Fred.)
Well we found that Bernard & Rose are still living happily ever after on The Island with Vincent, the only doggie on earth who was alive in 1977 and then still alive in 2007. Lindeloff and Cuse promised that, when the show ended, Vincent would be still alive, and they not only kept that promise, but he was in the penulitimate shot, snuggling with Jack as Jack died. Awwww. Now he can go fetch Rose & Bernard to come bury Jack.
Questions that still need addressing: What became of Cindy and those two kids? What's the deal with Walt? What's the deal with Aaron? Will a jet with a nailed-plywood windshield actually make it to civilization? Since Sun's parents, including her evil father, are raising Je Yeon, will she grow up as screwed up as Sun was when we first met her? Will she ever meet and marry Aaron? Kate violated the terms of her parole by leaving California; will they throw her in the slammer when she gets back? Will Kate and Sawyer hook-up when they return to civilization? Will Sawyer get Oceanic money as a new survivor of Oceanic 815? Why didn't Jack & Desmond become Smoke Monsters, albeit, nice ones? Why couldn't female Others have babies after The Dharma Purge? Why didn't Jimmy Kimmell's alternate endings include The Man in Black waking up and finding Jacob taking a shower?
Will there ever be another show as great as Lost?
Cheers darlings.
