Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A Dark and Stormy Knight

A week or two ago my friend, fellow flogger, and emotional slave, Little Kent Levine, over on his wanna-be, imitation-of-mine flog, By Kent Levine, (Kent disguised how blatantly his flog exists only to imitate mine by the cheap trick of him beginning flogging about a year ahead of me. No one ever falls for that obvious doing-it-first ploy.), wrote a piece about this new batmovie, The Drunk Night, to publicize this little sleeper of a movie no has heard a word about, in the vain hope it can stave off the box office juggernauts The Love Guru and Fly Me To The Moon. Have you heard about this little batmovie? It's gotten no press at all. It's about a nutty gay cowboy trying to break into stand-up comedy by staging street theater comedy pranks ("Hey Gotham City ferry passengers; you've just been punked!"), and simplifying Gotham City's healthcare options, only to be unjustly persecuted by a two-faced D.A. and Zorro, because he accidentally snuffed his boyfriend's sister. It's pretty good for a low-budget indie.

Anyway, in Kent's piece, he pointed out that in the movie, many of Gotham's residents and gangsters are occasionally mildly inconvenienced by some of the events, and noticing that Gotham only seems to get an hour of daylight every day. (That's such a calumny. It's summer. Gotham gets a balmy 97 minutes of sunlight every day. Open your eyes, Kent.) From this, he ventured to ask the question: "Why would anyone live in Gotham City?"

Since I regularly visit Gotham City, I feel I am qualified to answer this question. Come with me, fans and slaves, to Gotham City, The Paris of America. (Albeit, the Paris of the 13th Century.)

"Why would anyone live in Gotham City?"

Well for one thing, for The Theater.

The restaurants are legendary.

The low melanoma rate.

The only sane response to the place is heavy drinking.

It hasn't gotten all cheap, flashy, and corporate, like Metropolis.

"It's Egg-citing!" says Egghead.

Affordable rents.

Many rodents, but some of them fight crime.

CATS never played there.

Ferry boats not crowded anymore.

New employment opportunities constantly turning up.

You can still find a reliable butler.

Free-range penguins.

That Spiderman dickhead never visits.

Constant urban renewal.

Citizenry very accepting of alternative lifestyles and modes of dress.

It's so unspoiled.

Boys in tights befriended.

Because if you move away, the Joker wins.

Not overly crowded.

They don't shoot Big Brother there, so those psychos are far away.

No longer "Campy".

The bats there don't drink your blood, although the clowns might.

The Police Commissioner used to be Dracula, yet someone else is called Batman.

District Attorney Dent soft on gambling.

Capes still in fashion.

Apparently impossible to get a speeding ticket.

Disney Company about to open a "Tragic Kingdom."

Big profits to be made investing in bat guano futures.

George Dubya Bush is not the Mayor.

They're still casting Survivor: Gotham City.

Arnold Schwarzenegger moved away.

World-class spelunking.

Lex Luthor and Donald Trump leave it alone.

Nicer than Fresno.

Cheers darlings.

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