Oh sweet heavens, as if Mike Huckabee winning a primary wasn't bad enough (Just what we need, another President who doesn't believe in evolution. Mike is, after all, proof positive that Man hasn't evolved beyond bacteria, even if he's also a living refutation of "Intelligent Design."), now California, and indeed much of the country, has been struck by a catastrophe that dwarfs Hurricane Katrina, surpasses the recent firestorms, and makes Hiroshima look like the annual Ewing Family BBQ. No, I'm not referring to the fact that the AMPTP's refusal to settle the WGA Strike has resulted in our getting only 8 episodes of LOST this winter, horrific as that is, not to mention a winter edition of Big Brother. This is worse, far, far worse. Owing to Barry Humphries's recent emergency appendectomy, Dame Edna has cancelled her performances in California this month. In fact - brace yourselves! - she's cancelled her whole American tour!
This is the first time in history that our whole country has been devastated by a foreign invasion being called off. NEDS - No Edna Depression Syndrome - is sweeping the nation. Emergency rooms are full of suicides, while ER's Dr. Kovatch is off in Croatia, unable to help. Lack of Edna is laying waste to America. Now we know what caused Britney's meltdown. How can such a brain-free celebrity be expected to cope without Edna's guidance? I can't help her. Whenever I enter a room she's in, her alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet goes off.
Unsurprisingly, FEMA is helpless. Although the incompetent fool Faux-President Dubya had appointed to run FEMA (into the ground) back duing Katrina is long gone, the person running it now is still someone appointed by Dubya, and so he's doing "a heck of a job," in other words, a total incompetent. If I believed in God I'd say God help us. But then, if I believed in God, I'd be standing next to Chuck "Rhodes Scholar" Norris, behind Mike Huckabee, right near the vestigal tail he doesn't believe he has, close to where his brain would be if only he'd evolved one.
Hang on America, and when you vote, vote for the candidate most likely to bring Edna back. We must have hope!
Fortunately, the news isn't all bad. We've had our first entry on this year's Good Riddance List. Carl Karcher, the founder of Carl's Jr., that gourmet eatery which covers our country like a pox, died this week, at the undeserved age of 90. There's nothing like the death of an evil man to start a year off right. Last year it was Saddam Hussein; this year, Carl Karcher.
No, it's not that he started a string of restaurants that has no wine list. It's his political affiliations. Karcher was slightly to the right of Attila the Hun. Hitler once said of him, "He's a little extreme, isn't he?" Basically, he never met a homophobic, anti-gay cause he wouldn't give lots and lots of money to. That's where your dollars went when you ate at Carl's Jr., anti-gay rights political causes. He was a big financial backer, 30 years ago, of the failed California ballot proposition that would have required all the gay teachers in California to lose their jobs. (Who would teach Drama and Choir?) And needless to say, there were plenty of other right-wing lunatic fringe causes he used his millions to support. This is why, for over 30 years, Little Dougie and I have refused to spend a cent at Carl's Jr., until it was no longer that right-wing nut-job's cash cow.
So Welcome to Hell Carl Karcher. Have it your way. I'm celebrating at Burger King. In the musical words of Paul Williams:
"Though your memory lingers on,
All of us are glad you're gone.
If I could live my life half as worthlessly as you,
I'm convinced that I'd wind up burning too."
Cheers darlings.
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