Bad Mouths

I don't understand why Borat was so angry at The Laugh Factory the other night, darlings. He seemed so charming in that movie. I was so taken by him that I invited him over to my palatial movie star mansion, Morehead Heights, for a quick drink and a friendly rape, although unfortunately I forgot to frisk him for cutlery first, and he was able to use a pocket knife to cut his way out of my wedding sack before I could get him to rape me. He paid me a lovely compliment as he fled, favorably comparing my womanly parts to the costumes worn by sexy Christopher Lee in The Lord of the Rings. He said I even had room for Azamat to join him inside me. You can't buy praise like that.

But apparently he was more irked than I thought, since in these videos I keep seeing of him onstage, berating that nice tinted gentleman who was augmenting his act, he seems so peeved. And what an odd place to store a fork!

And now I read that my old friend OJ Simpson has blown a book deal. Now I've blown a book dealer or two, but never a book deal. Great Heavens darlings, if they'd publish my memoirs, you'd think they'd publish anybody's! Coincidentally, my original title was If I Drank It!

OJ and I almost worked together a few years ago. We were all signed up to shoot my comeback film (I hate that word "Comeback"! It's a pathetic bid for attention!), a remake of The Black Stallion with OJ in the title role, scheduled to shoot in the summer of 1994, but then he suddenly became unavailable, and the whole deal fell through. I have no idea why.

What's wrong with these people these days? I'm still waiting to hear back from Mel Gibson about my offer to play Golde opposite his Tevye in my proposed remake of Fiddler on the Roof. I figured, even if we don't sing together that well, we could certainly enjoy some cocktails on the set, but he hasn't get back to me either.

You get back to me soon, darlings. Don't be like Mel or Borat. Cheers darlings!