The 7 Dwarfs of Dr. Lao.

I happened to rewatch Snow White & the 7 Dwarfs last night, since the only other choices were 9-11 remembrances, and frankly, I remember it vividly enough as it is without further reminder. It's not like it's a pleasant memory one enjoys lingering over.

But of course, Snow White is a pleasant memory one enjoys  lingering over, and as I lingered over it, some random thoughts occurred to me.

Oh please. Grumpy is sooooo gay.



When Snow White first identifies Grumpy, his bed is visible in the background, as it is in Doc's close-ups in that scene also, a sheet has been left hanging over the "G" in Grumpy's name on the foot of the bed, so his name is seen as "Rumpy". Like I said, Gay.

The first time Little Dougie saw it, when he was 5 in 1955, he knew Grumpy was his dwarf, and he's grown up to be the tall, not bald, small-nosed version of him, only grumpier.


                                     

I want some of what Dopey is smoking.

Why don't woodland creatures ever clean my home! Frankly, neither Snatches, my kitty, nor Baskerville, my mastiff, ever clean up anything except for Baskerville lapping up my vodka spills. My staff spend most of her time cleaning up after the beasties.

Why aren't the dwarfs wealthy, given they own "a mine where a million diamonds shine"? How do they market their product?

Ew. Didn't these creep out kids at Disneyland in the 1950s?

If Snow White really were dead, as the dwarfs believed when putting her in her glass coffin, how good an idea would that see-through bower be a couple years later? Ew! Instead of "Snow White," she'd soon have turned into "Demon-Vomit Green".


Who wants to marry a man given to making out with random female cadavers he encounters? Necrophiliacs are not good husband material. (And what's with how charmed everyone was with a Disney movie that has seven gay men living together, sleeping in pushed-together beds, and ends with animals and circus freaks killing an old lady, followed by necrophilia? Mind you, the older I get, the more I depend upon the kindness of necrophiliacs.)

The Queen is dead, and Snow White has gone off to help rule the Prince's realm. Who is the new head of the government where Snow White came from?

Why does the Queen have no staff whatever besides a huntsman and a mirror? Really. There is NO ONE ELSE in that castle! No wonder Snowy has to do the housework.

I want that peacock-themed throne! This is what all the toilets at NBC looked like back in the 1960s. (This still is from Disney's sequel: 7 Brides for 7 Dwarfs, in which I starred as the Queen. For a full description of this memorable forgotten Disney animated classic, see my previous flog posting: Feeling Grumpy.)

Why is Dopey's head three times the size of Snow White's? Hydrocephalic? (It would explain so much.) As a small kid, I thought she sang "Some Day My Prints Will Come" and that she was singing about waiting to get photos back from the drugstore.

If the dwarfs can't even remember the last time they washed, why do they have several bars of soap waiting at the trough?

Why are queens always scarier than witches? Sometimes Little Dougie scares the crap out of me. Cheers darlings.

                                     

Shedding Shelly.

"You're good. You're first class, Geoff. You'd sell John out to me, or me to John, or.. . you can tell me... have you found some way of selling everyone to everybody?"

"Not yet, Mummy, but I'm working on it."

- Eleanor of Aquitaine & her son, Prince Geoffrey in The Lion in Winter, by John Goldman.

We were never going to be rid of Voldebitch this week, as her win of the POV seems all but fated, so let us instead, look at what did happen, the longed-for, almost Shakespearean fall of Leatherface the Deceitful, into the soured Guacamole of the Outside world. Avocado get on with it.

It began before The Beginning, in the fight I mentioned last week as hoping to be included  this week. Well it was, and what an explosion it was, particularly since I don't really get what it's actually about. As near as I could tell, Homophobic Asshole was enraged to learn that Leatherface treated him exactly the same way she treats everybody else. Turned out she was not an extension of his own body, the way Jordumb is, but a separate human being playing to win the game for herself. As far as I could make out, this was news to H.A.

Was Leatherface Shelleying Homophobic Asshole? Of course, exactly the same way she had Shellyed each and every single person in the house. She was a snake from Day One. It never occurred to H.A. that she was a two-way street. It is because Jordumb is a cul-de-sac?

                                      
But it began with Voldebitch, The Source of All Evil on Earth. She went off to confront Homophobic Asshole over throwing the "Cornhole" competition which ultimately led to Bukie's ouster, since that would be somebody coming between her and her sac-free man, and nobody does that except online, or when working special parties in Vegas for visiting German businessmen or French diplomats. Of course, what she was really doing was tattling on Leatherface, directing House Hatred away from herself and onto Naugahydepuss.


Voldebitch: "Shelly told me that you threw the cornhole competition."


Homophobic Asshole (while brushing his teeth): "Where'd you hear that from?"


Say Good night, Gracie.


Voldebitch: "It's Brendan. He's my fiance." Thanks for the reminder. It had slipped my mind.


Homophobic Asshole: "Okay, so what are you talking to me for?"


Voldebitch: "I'm not."


I played that exchange back over and over, each time more amazed by Voldebitch, in a one-on-one conversation with H.A., when there was no one else present, actually denying to him that she was talking to him. She had to talk to him to say she was not talking to him. It's flat-out denial of Reality. She's certifiably insane. And she's whining.


Kalia noticed that Leatherface was Shellying them weeks ago, but overlooked it, as someone who at least acts like her ally is better than no ally at all. I've been waiting and waiting for someone to notice that they'd been Shellyed by Leatherface and turn on "Mom" and finally, Homophobic Asshole did. Feeling secure as HOH, he lit into her, little knowing that the house power was two hours away from shifting 180 degrees, and he was three hours away from Exit Interviews.


Leatherface wanted to know who had Shellyed her about her Shellying other people, and fastened on Knobby. Knobby is a  House Elf, a slave race. Knobby exists only to serve the Houseguests. Knobby would never try to kill Leatherface. Knobby only meant to maim or seriously injure. In any event, it wasn't Knobby. That would be making a move, and Knobby doesn't make moves. Knobby eats bacon. A few months ago, Knobby weighed over 300 pounds. Knobby needs to protect what's left of Knobby's heart. This means no exertion or game play. Only bacon.


And anyway, it was Voldebitch who showed Leatherface what being Shellyed felt like.


Homophobic Asshole went to Knobby next. Knobby loves H.A. Knobby thinks about H.A.'s biceps and abs when Knobby is alone at night, touching Knobby's knob inappropriately. (Not that I can think of an appropriate way to touch any part of Knobby at all.) Knobby makes dolls of Jordumb and sticks pins in them. Knobby immediately Shellys on Leatherface to Homophobic Asshole. Leatherface, seeing them go into a room together, and suspecting Knobby of Shelleying her out, barged right in and got in their faces.


Leatherface: "I have done nothing but be a horse." Of course, of course. And this one will talk till her voice is horse. That is, of course, unless this horse, is the amazing Leatherface! Go right to the source, and ask this horse. She'll give you the answer that you endorse. But, all told, that was a mean thing to say about horses.


Incidentally, Bukie's done nothing but be hung like a horse. (I saw his online photo. Impressive.)


Leatherface tried to calm things down by pouring a lot of verbal kerosene around, at one point trying to throw people under buses as they were standing beside her and she was telling the tossee that she was throwing the other one under the bus, who was also standing beside her. She was trying to Shelly everyone at once when they were all together. She was flailing. It was hilarious.


She barged into a room where H.A., Knobby, and Jordumb had just asked Queen Kalia to take a hike so they could plot, and turned that conference into an inferno also.


Her big reveal in that room was "Everyone's talking about you guys getting to the end and no one having a chance." This is, or should be, self-evident.

Jordumb: "I am shocked."


Homophobic Asshole is also dumbfounded to learn that there are people in the house playing to win it for themselves, and not on Team Jorff. He is not merely angry; he is morally outraged that someone would dare to play selfishly to win it themselves, instead of doing The Right Thing, and play for him to win.


As the fight loudly raged on, Edsel and Voldebitch listened at a safe distance, Voldebitch delighted with all the drama she'd stirred up without getting any splashback from it herself.


Homophobic Asshole: "You ride the fence too close, you're gonna get burned." This is another line I played back repeatedly, to be sure my ears hadn't revolted on me. The three or four metaphors mixed into that sentence like the contents of a verbal Smoothie have robbed it of any meaning.


Leatherface: "I'm as scared as a cat on a hot tin roof at this point." Actually, that metaphor as used by the divine Mr. Williams, was not about fear. It was about a dilemma: a cat on a hot tin roof has to jump off, but can't because the roof is too high. Leatherface should relate well to the play: it's all about Mendacity, her stock-in-trade. (Many years ago I was in Mr. Williams's only musical: Fiddler on a Hot Tin Roof. We were a smash. I was smashed the whole time, and the Fiddler smashed through the roof.) 


Things looked good for Leatherface at first. Queen Kalia's HOH win meant her safety. Knobby beat his head against Harry Potter's headpost for not doing better at the HOH contest. He went out first, owing to his stupidity.


Homophobic Asshole's loss of the POV he needed to stay in the house was sweet. That, as we learned later, he lost it because he threw one of the clown shoes out of the pit himself without noticing it, makes it hilarious! What an idiot!


However, I could have done without this taste-free Family Ickiness Revelation from Edsel because of her clown shoes win: "Thank you, Dad, for taking me to the ball pit when I was a kid, because it definitely paid off today." Ah, child services...


Everyone blamed Leatherface for Homophobic Asshole's eviction, but the tie-breaker was delivered by Queen Kalia. How does she skate?


Jordumb went completely to pieces over H.A.'s exit. "Did this really happen to me?" No. It happened to Homophobic Asshole. She slid through the show to a win last time, without doing or knowing anything, and now, when she's suffered a setback no different than what she has caused to happen to other players, the Universe no longer makes sense to her. Oh boo-hoo. Suck it up, crybaby.


Voldebitch was also crying. So she was upset that she wasn't voted out? She was counting on seeing Bukie? What?


We got to see The Pity Party at greater length, as well as a really bizarre one where Queen Kalia and Edsel had to comfort Leatherface over having to vote out Homophobic Asshole instead of Voldebitch. Hey, if anyone should cry over that, it should be me. Kalia said to Leatherface: "There's no crying in Big Brother." Excuse me? Have you ever watched this show before? Niagara Falls channels through the house some weeks. Remember Amber, a few years back? That girl couldn't say "Good Morning" without a crying jag.


And when Jordumb turned, she proved she could be just as petty as anyone else. We finally glimpsed the REAL Jordumb when she began screaming about Danielle: "Her season was four years ago, and who gives a fuck if her dad is Dick?" So having won the show wears off? Look out, Jordumb, because your win already is halfway to "four years ago".


We finally had the snake challenge we'd earlier seen Knobby hogging the practise version of. His practising didn't help much. He still went out first, as per usual.


Voldebitch pointed out that she and Jordumb were "surrounded by snakes." Actually, Voldebitch is always surrounded by snakes, because she has them for hair. It turned out that Jordumb and Edsel were both pretty good at this quite difficult challenge. Edsel even managed to score a snake eye twice.


When Voldebitch went out second, she pretended to be happy by pouting and crying, and whining out: "I want to go home." You know where the door is, woman. Go ahead and leave. Bye-bye.


I shouldn't be surprised that Edsel won this. Rolling a ball down a slinky snake is peanuts next to negotiating a runway in 9-inch heels while high on God-knows-what.


When the power shifted to Edsel for the week, Knobby ran back to the Newbies.


In the myth, opening Pandora's Box unleashed Voldebitch on the world. Edsel might have known that if only she'd ever read -- a book. But she hasn't, and there was $5000 calling to her, so she opened the box, and Jordumb was saved and Leatherface doomed.


Queen Kalia was annoyed with Edsel, though less so when she learned privately that she also gets $5000. That softened the "sting" of losing Leatherface.

Jordumb was still so pissed about Homophobic Asshole being out of reach that she wasn't even cheered by the news that saved her bacon. Instead she fixated on wondering about Edsel's reward. "Why couldn't Ah win HOH, and get Pandora's Box?" Jordumb, if you had, it would screw up your nominations instead of screwing up hers. Voice of Reason? Voldebitch! "Who cares? ... Because we didn't!"

Knobby, of all people, pointed out first that the nominations did not matter at all. All that mattered was who won POV.

Edsel did Kalia a really big favor. She confessed to all that she got $5000 for opening Pandora's Box, but she told Kalia about her getting a matching $5000 privately. So Kalia gets a big prize with no house resentment.

Edsel made a big drama about picking her nominations, despite the fact that it did not matter. Yawn. The words: "Adam and Shelly, you are safe," were, as we saw, completely false.

Jordumb complained back when Bukie was kicked out about having to take care of Voldebitch during her meltdown, but now, here was Boobiac getting Jordumb through her zombie stage. Then off to negotiate with Edsel, with Jordumb wanting Voldebitch to be silent! Then she was hilariously tactless about Voldebitch, as she sat next to her. Boobiac was so stunned by it that she had no idea how to react, and eventually decided on her grating, fake laugh, always a bad choice. "I know you guys have your doubts about Rachel. Everybody thinks that, you know, Rachel's a liar and, ah, all that stuff, but..." And that she's an insufferable bitch, and that she's a whore, and that she's vicious and vacuous and unbearable and unstable and irritating and fake and....

Jordumb gave Leatherface The Silent Treatment. How nostalgic for Leatherface, like being back in high school again. Said Leatherface of Her Big Move: "I can't change what has happened, you know, it's been typed in ink." Leatherface is old enough to remember typewriters. Did she ever see a typewriter that typed in pencil?

Leatherface spouted off at length, full of self-justifications, to Knobby as they sat out in the smoking pit and puffed away. Knobby looked at her, and nodded to keep her mollified, and resisted pointing out to her that, since if it isn't her, it'll be him, he's not likely to be sympathetic. I got the feeling that if she'd stayed like this for a full two weeks, it would have forced Knobby to quit smoking.

About the POV Competition dummies: they were creepy. Stuffed jump suits had been hung up, and the faces of the previous-partners of the remaining players had been sliced off their freshly-slaughtered corpses by Leatherface, tanned and preserved, and were now stretched grotesquely across the heads of these dangling scarecrows.

It was straight-forward endurance, jump on and hang onto your partner's cadaver the longest, and you win. This was fair for such a crucial contest, as it really tests willpower. This is why Knobby once more fell first. This is why Voldebitch won it, would always have won it.


                                       
Knobby still thinks it's funny to mine his homosexual panic when he has to ride the back of Dominic's corpse.

Jordumb's rationalization for jumping down second (She did not fall off. She gave up and let go.), given that she was on the block, was pathetic: "I'm not one to tolerate pain. I know a lot of people,  they say it's mind over matter, but  this isn't like Survivor or whatever." Actually,  this is a lot like Survivor 0r Whatever, and when it's an endurance competition to keep from being voted out, it's exactly like Survivor or Whatever. It's always been Survivor or Whatever for pussies. However, I'll grant her that it's impossible for mind to triumph over matter without a mind.

Okay, Queen Kalia's farting was pretty funny. Queens do not fart. Queen Elizabeth II has that sour face all the time because she's still holding in every fart she's needed to pass since 1953.

Leatherface showed how she fights for her life by falling off less than 13 minutes in.

Voldebitch won it. She always would have. Leatherface is doomed.

Leatherface, speaking of Voldebitch in the challenge: "She was on Brendon't back. That's where she likes to be." Well, she does like hanging on his back like a monkey, but she prefers to hang on his front, or recline while he looms over her, facing her.

Voldebitch made a long speech enumerating all the reasons she wanted Leatherface out of the house. Every single one of them applied equally well to Voldebitch, starting right off with: "She is not a nice person."

Leatherface went crawling to Jordumb, "not about the game", getting all weepy about her kid. I was waiting for her to say her daughter needed new legs, or her grandmother would die without an operation, some weepy reason why she needed the money. She could use a soul transplant. They are pricey.

Leatherface offered a deal to Voldebitch and Jordumb. Boobiac's eyes were rolling all over the room. She took her offer too far to be even remotely credible. She, who has lied and Shellyed everybody in the house, said that, in an HOH competition between the three of them, she'd drop out and let them win. And I believe that Mickey Mouse is a real, living rodent, five feet tall, who lives in a house and has a pet dog.

Well the POV ceremony was suspense-free.

Knobby: "This is not the end of Adam. I'm going to do whatever I can to stay in this house." This consisted of doing nothing at all, while Leatherface ran around imploding. It was exactly the right move.

Said Edsel of her function at the POV ceremony: "A trained monkey could have done my job." Has she ever had a job that a trained monkey couldn't do? (And correct me if I'm wrong, but I've never heard of anyone training a monkey to speak, let alone host game shows, though Howie Mandell hosted a game show, so maybe they can.)

All right, the scene between Leaetherface and the mechanical fortune teller was genuinely creepy. This is religion reduced to its most naked: Lawon's Faith in his receipt of a magic, bad-stuff-undoing superpower upon eviction (His Heavenly Reward upon death), and now Leatherface spending three hours praying to a mechanical effigy of a fortune-teller, begging for a nomination-reversing superpower to be dispensed to her because, well, because she really, really wants one. Three hours.

Then she switched over to praying to a more-tangible deity, by praying to Voldebitch, offering to be her slave. Her real problem is that Leatherfaced has now Shellyed every person there once or twice and been totally found out. No one there believes any promise from her. Knobby has more credibility, and his word is worthless.

The offer of her fake diamond ring was the most outre of all. I know of no precedent for someone offering jewelry for a vote before. That it was fake jewelry, and therefore a lie and a con is par for the Leatherface course. That it was made to a girl who probably has a better eye for jewelry's value than Harry Winston was hilarious. And all of it begged the question of why she even possesses a cheap duplicate of her family heirloom ring in the first place, and why she has it with her. 

Leatherface made a hunter's offer, to cut off one of her own ears or a finger. Naugy, you cut off one of your ears, and I'll support you staying in.

As she begged for her life to Voldebitch and Jordumb, Leatherface told them how she had never thrown a competition, as the producer's played her throwing the Bride of Zingbot competition, and we heard her voice telling us why she threw it. I love it when the producers call a player on their duplicity. 

Jordumb told The Chenbot that she never got bored with Voldebitch. Probably true, but then, I doubt Jordumb would ever get bored by a dangly bit of yarn. When Homophobic Asshole wants her off his back, he distracts her with a laser pointer.

Leatherface: "I adore Jordan. I adore her heart." I'd adore seeing it basted in savory juices, slow-roasted, seasoned with garlic and maybe something weird, like an avocado, and served up to my family on Thanksgiving.

Between hanging out with the girls, both in studio and out, sipping appletinis with women who consider him harmless and sexless, complaining about fatty foods, 90210, and Torie Spelling, all the while worshipping the ground Homophobic Asshole works out-on, Knobby has morphed  into a Metalhead Gay Best Friend. Gracious me! He's turned into Lawon! Any moment now he'll be ready to start playin' this game!

Homophobic Asshole and the errant clown shoe is just funny.

And so was Leatherface voted out at long, long last. She had to make the walk of shame to go Shelly The Chenbot.

Leatherface's speech so excluded Queen Kalia, she almost blew her only vote. Knobby's speech was to ask the players to hit the "Snooze Button" on his dream. Knobby is a walking, bacon-devouring Snooze Button.

Queen Kalia's farewell message to Leatherface was the lyrics to the theme song from The Golden Girls. An original thought would tax her poor brain severely.

The HOH competition was gooey and disgusting, but not as disgusting as who won it after the broadcast ended. Knobby had no chance at it, unless he was allowed to eat the donuts and then shit them out at the other end of the course.

Well, the best that can be said for this season is, it's nearly over. Cheers darlings.

                                    

Double, Double, Toil and Troubles, Dani Burns and Jordumb Bubbles.

Well, this Thursday's show was the most (first) really entertaining episode all summer. Power rocked back and forth, and unlikely were the outcomes. (And nothing more unlikely than who won the second HOH after the show ended, but for the sake of spoiler avoiders, we'll save that for a later column.)

But before Thursday came Wednesday.

Both Homophobic Asshole and Voldebitch endlessly say they respect "Players," and want to oust "Floaters." So what did H.A. and Boobiac do? Voted out Major Player Daniele, and left Major Floaters Edsel and Knobby the Big Brother House Elf.

Why would Daniele even consider throwing the POV competition? Trusting Homophobic Asshole would be a stupid thing to do. Getting rid of her is both his right move strategically, and also his right move vengeance-wise.

Ah Knobby, what a great deal-maker! His offer to Homophobic Asshole between clouds of cigarette smoke (I've seen more smoking on this show this summer than I've seen in real life this summer. I know like one person who still smokes, and he lives in Minnesota.) was that IF he won the POV, he would let Homophobic Asshole make him his bitch. And he'd also let H.A. have the first-born offspring of the monkeys that will fly out his ass if he wins the POV competition. But H.A. already has Jordumb.

Voldebitch's verbal torture of Daniele, with its peculiar obsession about turning 25, which appeared to be pure juvenile verbal harassment and overwhelmingly petty personal vengeance, was, I believe, also strategic, as a way of getting Daniele off her game before the POV challenge, and it was quite effective. My favorite moment was Voldebitch's: "One time when I turned 25, like last year..."


"One time"? How many times has she turned 25? And "like last year"? In other words: "One of the many times I turned 25, like when I turned 25 last year, for the 8th consecutive time, I..." To paraphrase Oscar Wilde: "Las Vegas Society is full of VIP-Waitress/Whores of the very lowest emotional maturity who, of their own free will, have remained 25 for years. Lady Voldebitch is a case in point. To my own knowledge, she has been 25 ever since arriving at the age of 40, and that was many years ago now."

Boobiac: "Do you hate me? I already know he answer to that." Yes and yes. That is truly a question she should never ask anyone. When Jordumb, who has the mind of a slow child, is more emotionally mature than you are, you are a mess.

Daniele on Voldebitch not getting selected to play in the POV competition: "The look on her face alone was enough of a win for me." Not really, as things turned out.

I see that several of my readers who leave comments have stated that they could not understand anything the Zingbot said. Now I find the Zingbot dreadfully tiresome. I'm sorry; I'm funnier. (It didn't dare steal from me, but it stole one from regular commenter "Pablo Diablo". Hey Zingy, get your own act!) However, I had no trouble understanding what he said: so I'll transcribe his zingers for the sake of those to whom it was just a whine. (And why would they take its voice up an octave for a "Build Zingbot a Bride" competition? They must have been building a lesbian fembot, to celebrate Gay Marriage in New York. How ironic that Homophobic Asshole won it. He made a lesbian fembot faster than anyone. I'll bet he's made Lesbians out of many fems who were not Lesbians when they first met him. Jordumb certainly seems to be getting closer to Boobiac these days for no good reason. Hmmmm.)

"You say 'Mischievous,"
And I say 'Mis-CHEEV-e-ous.'
You say 'vertiginous,'
And I say 'Huh?'
Mischievous, Mis-CHEEV-e-ous,
Vertiginous, Huh,
Let's call the whole thing off."

Yes. Let's. (And it's "mischievous." You can take the hick out of the back woods, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time.)

Queen Kalia had a "good feeling" that the POV challenge would be "something that we're good at." So the competition would be about sucking at Big Brother? The amount of actual information about the upcoming challenge contained in Queen Kalia's "good feeling" was "Zero." As for it's accuracy rating: also "Zero." It was jigsaw puzzle-solving in three-dimentions, and you both sucked at it harder than Voldebitch after receiving a $300 tip from a Japanese businessman who just sat through a Seigfried & Roy performance and now wants relief!

When the Zingbot 3000 entered the Big Brother House, it committed a terrible crime; it upstaged Voldebitch. She Who Will Not Just Be Ignored could not stand that the Zingbot was the immediate Center-of-Attention, her rightfully-born throne, so she tried to claim attention back from the usurper, by chiming in: "Zing me!" This produced something you do not see every day: a robot having an awkward moment. Zingbot had a script to deliver, and Zingbot is not to be tricked into delivering his material out of order. Zingbot's act has "structure." Zingbot has never worked The Comedy Store Main Room at midnight on a winter Wednesday night, for 7 drunk hecklers. I have. Zingbot just stared, wishing it had Gort's death ray from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Zingy, we all feel that way when looking at, or worse, hearing Voldebitch, but what can you do? (Seriously, WHAT can you do?)

Zingbot: "Hey Jeff, 1995 called; they want their soul patch back." Hey Zingbot, 1985 called, and it wants its tired, outdated "so-and-so called" joke-set-up back. Will your next zinger feature "Knock-knock?" or "You may be a redneck if.."? Everyone laughed as though this was funny. Also, "1995" would be an "It," not a "They." Zing!

Zingbot: "Hey Portia, shouldn't you be named for a car with a roomier trunk?" This joke would work better if there were a car called "Portia," but there isn't. There is a car called "Porsche," but that's not what he said. And she should be named for a topless convertable, because she has nothing up top. Zing!

Zingbot: "Rachel, every other word out of your mouth is the F-word: fiance, fiance." That was the best it could do for Voldebitch? That's like zinging Hitler with a joke about waking up hungover and accidentally using his mustache for a toothbrush. There are, shall we say, richer lodes to mine in Boobiac.

Zingbot: "Daniele, do you own a car? Or do you still prefer to just ride your daddy's coattails?" The horribly mangled metaphor in this lame joke left me with an image of Evel Dick racing down the 405 Freeway on foot, running as fast as he can, with Daniele hanging on to his coattails (which means I see him dressed in a swallowtail frock coat from about 80 years ago) for dear life, as she is battered along the concrete, her dragging, bloody legs in constant danger of being run over and pulped by passing cars. Also, there are too many words in the joke, and a needlessly split infinitive. The joke should be: "Daniele, do your own a car, or do you prefer riding Daddy's coattails?" It's still not funny, and the metaphor is still mangled, but it's more concise and has better comic rhythm.

I'm not going to bother quoting his previously-mentioned, Knobby-is-Uncle Fester joke. Go read the original joke in the comments here a few entries back.

Zingbot: "Shelley, what do you call someone who likes to smoke, hunt, and fish? A dude." Okay, that was a bit funny. A dude who is a jerk, I should add. Her loves are all killing: hunting is killing animals, fishing is killing fish, and smoking is killing Leatherface. Puff, fella, puff! Smoke more! (And unsurprisingly, Leatherface's Diary Room rejoinder was her wish she had a gun from her personal arsenal to shoot Zingbot with, and kill some working-for-scale day player inside it, overhwelmingly hot. Killing, that's Leatherface's idea of a good time.)

Zingbot: "Kalia, you write a sex blog, but you seem to be an expert on the thing done after sex, like sleeping." What a long way to go for such a limp joke. Before it got to its sleeping joke (and you have to be a relentless feeds watcher to know that Queen Kalia, like most house pussies, spends 85% of her time asleep), I had finished four other jokes using all or part of this Dostoevskian set-up line:

"Kalia, you write a sex blog. If there's two things you know nothing about, it's writing and sex."

"Kalia, you write a sex blog. Is it called 'Sex For Dummies'?"

"Kalia, you seem to be a expert on what you do after sex: grabbing a sixpack, and watching TV."

"Kalia, this week you seem to be an expert on the things you do after sex, rolling over and going home."

Zingbot: "Hey Jordan; the only reason Jeff hasn't proposed yet is because he knows you're terrible at answering questions." Again, a long, long way to go for an extemely tiny excuse for a joke. Jordan couldn't possibly be expected to follow a sentence with that many words in it, and sure enough, she nodded off during her own zinger. Her response to her zinger, "Wait, what?", was the single funniest moment in the entire hour.

Bride of Zingbot will never make anyone forget James Whale's masterpiece, Bride of Frankenstein, but as a tribute to last weekend's Khardasian wedding, it was fully appropriate, as Kim is made up wholly of artificial parts also. And of course, The Chenbot is a Fembot herself. And it was a good and difficult challenge. You couldn't float through this one. I'd be curious to know what Homophobic Asshole's winning time was. My guess: 72 hours. (And he was still three days ahead of Jordumb.)

Knobby didn't bother to try to win, just futzed around. I'm deeply shocked. Of course, if Homophobic Asshole was serious about sending Floaters home, Knobby would be well-advised to win POV. Plus demonstrating that he can actually win something (Remember, his previous POV "win" was Daniele deciding to let him win.), might give his deal proposals some small element of credibility, since they always hinge on "If I win HOH..." or "If I win POV..." or "If dinosaurs return and eat Cleveland..."

Queen Kalia: "The problem for me is that all the pieces look alike." So this wasn't a problem for anyone else? This isn't a basic aspect of blank jigsaw puzzles generally? Queen Kalia's idea of a puzzle is: which shoes to wear with her purse.

If only Bukie were here to play this challenge; he would have assembled the Fembot that would have cured cancer! Thanks for nothing, CBS

Leatherface intentionally tanked it too. She doesn't "make." She destroys.

Unfortunately, after the challenge, we went on watching the contestants kissing Homophobic Asshole's asshole, instead of watching Zingbot "interface" with Fembot on their wedding night. As some of the more-smug-looking ladies working at Disneyland could tell you but won't because it would get them fired, sex with audio-animatronic robots is incredible. As long as they're plugged in, they keep right on going, plus they vibrrate on nine different speed settings, from "Mild Temblor" to "Puree." Those three Johnny Depp robots in the Pirates of the Carrabean ride get more action than the real Johnny Depp does, and the two robot Harrison Fords in the Indiana Jones ride were nearly dismantled for doing gay robot porn videos under fake names.

Edsel heats a thing that holds her head up? Is her neck too weak to do the job itself from undereating, or has she never learned how to operate her neck?

Queen Kalia tried throwing Edsel under a bus, which sounds like three freeway lanes clogged up for two hours. In trying to aim Homophobic Asshole in his stated direction of going affter Floaters, she said: "It really bothers me that I could leave before someone who has done literally nothing." Whereas Queen Kalia has only done nearly nothing. She did have a week as HOH where she screwed up royally and massively. Of course, H.A. doesn't know it yet, but he's screwing up pretty fiercely by not taking her deal. He'll be regretting it to The Chenbot fairly soon.

So Homophobic Asshole pulled down Edsel and put up Daniele, and her goose was thorougly cooked. The Floaters chances of making it to the end increased exponentially.

Apparently Leatherface and Homophobic Asshole had a huge fight Thursday morning, when it was too late to edit into the show. I hope we see it on Sunday.

The great things about the double eviction episodes is that they are fast-paced, with all the fat trimmed, and secondly, the game gets really unpredictable. This was a satisfying hour with genuine suspense.

Queen Kalia wept crocodile tears over having to turn on Daniele. Oh boo-hoo. Tell it to Leatherface, Misstress of Crocodile Tears.

Daniele managed to move Leatherface into actively working to keep her in. But, after another bout of her Diary Room crocodile tears, her highly-resistable force met a truly-immovable object: Knobby's intense stupidity, and his hero worship of Homophobic Asshole. Knobby's tastes are appalling: "Metal" (among my favorite minerals), Torie Spelling, bacon, hollering, early heart failure, Evel Dick, Homophobic Asshole, being lame. Leatherface spelled out the whole logical case for why he is a fool to support the surviving Vets any longer, and he smiled , nodded, and, like any blob at rest, would not move.

Leatherface tried turning Voldebitch against Homophobic Asshole. When did they become buds again? Last I heard, they hated each other.

Daniele, whose fate hung in a precarious balance already, made a keep-me speech that consisted of berating players, ala Dominic earlier on. It was really a vote-me-out speech. What was she thinking?

Queen Kalia's speech was much, much shorter, and even dumber: "Vote for me!" No, you idiot. You want them to vote for Daniele! It's an eviction vote, not an awarding-the-prize vote. You just asked everyone to vote you out.

Daniele informed The Chenbot that she is "not a coaster," so the Chenbot had to place her coffee cup on someone else. Oh Knobby!

In her classy farewell speech, Boobiac told Daniele that she, Daniele, is a bitch. I can't choose from the 400 remarks this triggers in my mind, so insert your own irony here.

The first HOH challenge was a mental challenge, yet Jordumb came within a hair's breadth of winning it. Had the last question gone the other way, the situation in the house would be a hell of a lot different now. But Queen Kalia took it, and enacted Daniele's Revenge, consequences be damned!

The poor players only had one commercial break to kiss Kalia's ass. Fortunately, her ass is so huge that they could double, and even triple, up.

Voldebitch didn't even bother trying to kiss Kalia's ass. If ever there were a lost cause. Homophobic Asshole and Voldebitch went up. On to the live HOH competition. Wow. Suspense!

But it was looking for giant clown shoes in a tub of colored balls? Is this a challenge for adults, or a game for a 7 year-old's birthday party? (Wouldn't Voldebitch have an advantage? After all, she uses clown shoes for bra cups.) This competition was so easy, Edsel won it, and she's still afraid of clowns.

Edsel wisely left the nominations as they were, despite Homophobic Asshole reminding Edsel that he used the POV to save her earlier in this column. The Queen of Evil vs the Last Athlete Standing. Although I would have preferred Voldebitch be evicted, or burned at the stake, there's little doubt that it's best for everyone except Jordumb that it was H.A. who hit the highway.

Think about it. Now left we have Queen Kalia bonded tightly with Edsel, and apparently with Leatherface, though how firm that is depends on whom the next HOH is (It's...), since Miss Naugahyde of 2011 goes where the power goes. Then you have Jordumb and Voldebitch clinging to each other, Jordumb the Stan Laurel of the two, she knows she's a fool, and Boobiac is the Oliver Hardy, who thinks she's a whole lot smarter than she ever actually is. And then there's Knobby, the last man standing. (God, what a bad season for men on this show), who, if he can be trusted to vote with them, makes it three-to-three, but Knobby's ideas of self-interest (which are unrelated to what is actually good for him, see his bacon-love) will also sway in the breeze. So the good thing is, the rest of this season could go either way. It's unpredictable again. The bad thing is, there's no one there I want to see win. I'm rooting against all of them!

Knobby looked ready to cry over choosing which of these two close, personal friends, who barely speak to him and view him with barely-concealed contempt, to vote out.

Homophobic Asshole's speech was all trying to talk Leatherface into voting for him over whatever their fight was about.

And then, to make it still more suspenseful, it was a tie: Jordumb and Knobby voted for Voldebitch, while Edsel and Leatherface voted for Homophobic Asshole. This left it up to Queen Kalia to complete Daniele's Revenge. I so hoped for Voldebitch, but I can't fault her for throwing out H.A.

Homophobic Asshole's classy statement that "no one in there has a sac," is literally true. There are five women and Knobby, who has shown again and again that he lacks any balls whatever. H.A.'s comment was meant as railing against Floaters, but he didn't evict floaters. He talks, talks, talks one game, and plays, plays, plays a different one.

As always, Voldebitch's tears are ambrosia. Let us savor them for a few days. Cheers darlings.

Cornholing.

Am I to believe that no one on the Big Brother staff, no one in the Big Brother house, and no one at CBS Standards and Practices knows what "cornholing" actually means? Hello? It's had its obscene meaning for at least 200 years.

You want some laughs? Check out Lawon's exit interview with The Chenbot online, which never aired. It opens with The Chenbot trying to strangle the idiot. Nothing Lawon says makes any sense. He's a total, drooling moron. He's a Martian, a particularly stupid Martian. He is ready to start PLAYIN' the game now though. "I still I think I won, because I came in the house the same way I was outside of life." (Huh?) What, exactly, is good about that? In any event, Lawon, you did not "win," not ANYTHING!!!! And we learned that Dani, Lawon, Edsel, and Queen Kalia's alliance has a name: "The Pajama Jammers." No wonder they're all too embarrassed to say it on TV, except Lawon.It's perfectly clear that nothing can embarrass Lawon, short of dressing well.

Well, whatever went wrong this last week, at least Bukie is gone to the Jury House, though utterly gone would be better. This is another reason they should have evicted Voldebitch weeks ago. Now, even when she's out, she'll still be on the jury, and I'll still have to see, and worse, hear the hideous bitch.

The problem with the soap suds challenge is we watch this show to see the players play dirty, not clean. It is, of course, great fun to watch the players fall on their asses, though sadly, no serious injuries. But it was pretty obvious even before last Thursday's episode ended that Homophobic Asshole (A man who thinks cornholers shouldn't educate kids) was going to win HOH, and the instant it ended, I went online and found out that, yup, he did. But did Voldebitch or Leatherface choke to death on suds, or break a limb falling over? Sadly, so, so sadly, no. (The tricky part was the poor CBS show staff who had to dangle large, rabid dogs over the challenge, to drool foam on them.)


Voldebitch: "Rachel is back!" Boobiac, you never left! Go away. dig a hole, crawl in, and pull the dirt in over you.

"I'm probably the only person in the house who knows what a dishwasher is," said the woman who has no idea what an avocado is, and thinks Guacamole is some rare, "weird," exotic dish. Where do they find these people? Edsel has never tasted an onion, and Leatherface has no idea what an avocado is, nor what a "moral scruple" is either. I guess she's not interested in foods she can't go out and kill. On the plus side, since avocados and guacamole are delicious, the fact that Leatherface has missed out pleases me. What does she eat? Pig intestines? If so, watch out Voldebitch! (I used to grow yummy avocados on trees in my yard, and by me, I mean my staff.)

I'm sure Voldebitch knows what a dishwasher is: "The Hispanic guy who works in the kitchen, but isn't a cook." And I 'm certain Boobiac has washed dishes. It's how she pays for restaurant meals at restaurants that don't take blow-jobs in place of cash.

Voldebitch: "I like a foam party just as much as the next girl, but I don't know if I can handle this much foam." OK, Leatherface (who is the next girl) doesn't know what avocados are, and I have no idea what a "Foam Party" is. Cujo's birthday celebration? Maybe Voldebitch's tricks are so afraid of catching arcane diseases from the shrill trollop that they won't let her touch them naked unless they are both covered in antiseptic soap studs. She should be sterilized before every use, or better yet, cauterized.

When Jordumb predictably fell on her tiny butt (vanishing completely into the mountains of suds) Leatherface helped her up. You wana play boy scout, Rawhyde-puss, or do you want to win Big Brother? Because you need to win HOH. Did you see Homophobic Asshole, who thinks he loves Jordumb, and who constantly tells us how the pathetic child is "a little cutie," stop to help her? No. And who won HOH? Homophobic Asshole.

Dani expressed doubt that Queen Kalia has ever washed a dish in her life. Queens have kitchen maids for that sort of drudgery. I have my doubts that Queen Kalia has ever eaten off a dish before. Kalia may not be smart, but she is a lousy competitor. Kalia, of course, blamed Dani's cheer leading for her ultra-lame performance. Queenie, if you were a competitor, you would tune everything out, and play the challenge to win! Kalia is pathetic. Quit blaming others for your lousy game play. The I-hope-Edsel-will-win-HOH "strategy" didn't really pan out, Edsel having won so far - ah - oh yes, nothing!

Fierce competitor Voldebitch, decided her strategy would be to cheer on Homophobic Asshole rather than play to win.

Voldebitch: "Come on girls, at least when you win, I pretend like I'm happy." This was the biggest single lie anyone has told in the house all summer. Pouting, sobbing, having tantrums, getting all weepy in the bushes, so Bukie has to talk her down from near-suicide is her "pretending like I'm happy"? How does she express misery? Firebombing Tripoli?

The worst thing about Homophobic Asshole winning HOH is that getting rid of, or better yet, killing, Voldebitch is not a priority with him. Leatherface now loathes Boobiac, but it's too little too late. I will never come to like Leatherface. Likewise Voldebitch is sick of Leatherface, and "had enough of her fake attitude." Oh that's the deepest cave in the world calling the Sun "dark." I've had enough of Voldebitch's fake boobs, fake hair, fake laugh, and fake education. (But I've had enough of Leatherface too. It's double-eviction week. Wouldn't it be great if Leatherface and Voldebitch both went? Please, please, please. Next week is my kitty cat's 14th birthday. Do it for my pussy.)

Dani thinking her "deal" with Jordumb and Homophobic Asshole means anything is purest wishful stupidity. Has she ever met her own father?

I liked that even Homophobic Asshole now knows that the answer to "Who wants to see my HOH room?" is always "No one!" Can we retire that ritual now, please? Even the players are sick of it. Apparently Jordumb has been teaching Homophobic Asshole's neices how to spell.

Leatherface decided, apropos of nothing, to go gratuitously start another fight with Voldebitch. This is a woman who would stamp on Godzilla's tail, and yell: "You call that levelling a city? My granny eats cities better than you do, and she's only radioactive after she eats baked beans!" And the substance of her complaint? She wanted Boobiac to stop "making eyes" at her. Of all Voldebitch's many great Crimes Against Humanity, making eyes at Leatherface is low on the list. After all, looking at Leatherface won't give Voldebitch any pleasure - nor anyone else. She's a sight to make eyes sore. I loved Boobiac's lame defense: "Shelley, I haven't been talking about you to anyone --- --- --- like recently." (By "like recently," she means since Leatherface, like, entered the, like, room.

Okay, Leatherface likes peanut butter. Many otherwise-sane people do. She likes English muffins. So do I. But she claims to be 40, for Heaven's sake (which means she's 55), and she eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Yuck! Even at 8 years old, that made me bilious. But she likes it. Fine. Eat it, but you might at least TRY sampling other foods offered you. Even being from The South is no excuse for picking up a pear and having to ask "What is this?" I don't much like pears, though they are preferable to even the world's finest apricot or nectarine, but I friggin' know one when I see one. She called pears and avocados "weird foods." Leatherface, what's weird is a woman of 55-but-admitting-to-40 not recognizing a pear, and eating peanut butter and jelly. Maybe if she'd gotten some decent nutrition at some point in her life, she wouldn't have skin that would shame an alligator. (But she only eats peanut butter she herself has killed.)

I was eating an egg salad sandwich when I saw that "America" had voted to allow Have-Nots to eat hard-boiled eggs. Homophpobic Asshole picking The House Stooges, I mean the remaining Pajama Jammers, to be the Have-Nots was kind of funny in a sick way, or would be if it didn't forbode his nominations. (I was waiting for Leatherface to say: "What is an 'egg'?" We don't have 'eggs' in The South. It's Yankee food, suh!" She should love avocados. They used to be called "alligator pears," and she's now seen what pears look like, and she has skin like that of an alligator with bad skin.) Queen Kalia told us of Jalapenos: "I physically can not eat them!" Can she eat them spiritually? How about metaphysically? How about stuffing some up her over-abundant ass? It's not like she's being forced to eat something "weird" like a pear.

The table got smaller. Whoopie. I could spend this time watching old George Burns & Gracie Allen TV shows.

Dani: "I'm not stupid." Well, not compared to Jordumb or Lawon, but she's never going to get her doctorate any more than Bukie ever will.

Homophobic Asshole was pretty funny, when Edsel came up to talk game, being sarcastically impressed that she was ready to start playin' this game, 49 days in.

He nominated Queen Kalia and Edsel, planning on backdooring Daniele. Well, maybe the double eviction on Thursday will get one of these stones out of my gall bladder.

Oh, and all you New Yorkers squawking about the earthquake there yesterday? Shut up. Less than a Richter 6, with the epicenter several states away in Virginia? Puh-leaze. Here in California, that's not an earthquake, merely a vibrator that got left on. Wake me when you get a real earthquake.

Until then, Cheers darlings.

A Shining RAY of Joy.

Today is the 91st birthday of Ray Douglas Bradbury. (Little Dougie likes including Ray's middle name, for obvious reasons.) Bless his huge heart, he's still with us. Stay with us Ray; we need you.

Here's a link to the posting I put up a year ago on his 90th birthday. It could use a revisit today, or a first visit, if you didn't read it last year. All Hail Ray Bradbury. Cheers, Ray darling!