Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The Presidential Inebriation.


Let joy be unconfined! Joy always hated being confined anyway, and who can blame her? But on this magnificently great day in American history, even I can not improve upon these wonderful words. I just wish I could have watched Bush flinch at each slightly padded refutation of every evil thing he stood for.


My fellow citizens:


I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.


Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbears, and true to our founding documents.


So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.


That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.


These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land - a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.


Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America - they will be met.


On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.


On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.


We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.


In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.


For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.


For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.


For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sanh.


Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.


This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions - that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.


For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act - not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do.


Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions - who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.


What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them - that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works - whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account - to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day - because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.


Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control - and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart - not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.


As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.


Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.


We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort - even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.


For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus - and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.


To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West - know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.


To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.


As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us today, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment - a moment that will define a generation - it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.


For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.


Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends - hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism - these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility - a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.


This is the price and the promise of citizenship.


This is the source of our confidence - the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.


This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed - why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.


So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:


"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive...that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."


America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.
- Barack Hussein O'Bama
44th President of the United States
January 20, 2009



Well, it's time for American Idol, and yes, I recognize the irony. See you over on The Huffington Post on Monday.

Cheers darlings.

Take a Hike, Bozos!


What is even better than seeing the new president in? Seeing these crooks OUT!


Now it's time to say "Goodbye,"
To all their infamy.
D - I - C,
See you in Hell!
K - C - H
"H" is where we'll see you!
E - N - E - Y - and Bush!

Now let's just hand them over to The Hague, and let their trials for international war crimes begin. Let "The Rule of Law" mean something again, and hold these two War Criminals responsible for their crimes.



Look for me again on Monday over on The Huffington Post, where I'll be reviewing the Screen Actor's Guild Awards, something I am uniquely qualified to do, as they named them "The SAG Awards" in honor of my breasts.

Cheers darlings.

A Departing Sensation.



In 1943, in an interview concerning his little-known, 19-year-old co-star of his upcoming turkey The Phantom of the Opera, iconic horror movie star Nelson Eddy (A man who made any movie he appeared in a horror movie. How iconic can you get?) described Susanna Foster as "A Coming Sensation."


No higher praise can be imagined, as a coming sensation is The Greatest Pleasure in Life. Even vodka comes in second, although vodka can inhance a coming sensation.


Of course, Nelson didn't invent the phrase. Nelson was not known for originality. He was quoting PMS chief studio publicist Pete Moss in 1915, describing me prior to the release of my debut film, Heat Crazed. So strongly was the phrase associated with me, that I titled the second section of my award-free autobiography My Lush Life, A Coming Sensation as well.


But sadly, on this, the Happiest Day of the 21st Century so far, we must bid a sad farewell to Susanna Foster, now a departing sensation, as she has died at the age of 84 of heart failure. It almost seems impossible. She survived a short, less-than-memorable film career, she survived hardship and want, she survived being homeless and living in her car in her late 50s, she even survived singing love duets with Nelson Eddy, but she didn't quite survive the Bush Administration.


Here she is looking on (undoubtedly appalled) at Nelson Eddy as he gets a little head from a white woman.



Her movie career encompassed only 12 films. Of those, only 2 are well-remembered: The Phantom of the Opera with Nelson, and with Claude Rains in the title role, a complete mangling of the story, with more opera than phantom, so the horror rested on Nelson and Susanna's endless singing far more than on Claude's spookiness (ironically, Claude's non-singing voice was the most memorable of the three), and The Climax, another musical horror movie which was basically a remake of the just-finished Phantom, in which she co-starred with my ex-husband, Boris Karloff, and with total sexy dreamboat, Turhan Bey.


Both films were in particularly garish Technicolor, which made them A-films, rare in mid-World War II pictures.
Phantom won two Oscars, and was nominated for 2 more. The Climax was nominated for one, but managed to lose. They must have been desperate in the 1940s, although not desperate enough to give me one. Oh sure, Phantom looked pretty in color, but what about me? What about my magnificent performance in PMS's utterly unforgettable Civil War epic East vs West?




Susanna, showing rare judgement (very rare judgement, almost none. How do you think she ended up living in a car?), turned down National Velvet. How embarrassing for her when Liz Taylor took the role she disdained and became one of the most beloved stars in the history of movies, second only to me? MGM dropped her contract. (Teenagers did not say "No" to L.B. Mayer.) Oh Susanna, were you too chagrined to confess you thought you'd been offered the title role?

At Universal, her primary function was as a threat to keep Deanna Durbin in line. Deanna turned down Phantom. I never realized Deanna was that smart. Maybe Nelson creeped her out too.

Of her performance in Phantom, Bosley Crowther wrote that Susanna sang "quite pleasingly." I am reminded of Lucia's comments on the opera singer Olga Braceley's voice in Trouble For Lucia, one of E. F. Benson's divinely hilarious Mapp & Lucia novels. Lucia "praises" Olga thusly: "Some notes lovely." (If you've never read any of Benson's Lucia books, do so right away. They are the purest comic joy.)

Here's a last look at Susanna, in The Climax, with my ex-husband doing all lovers of music and/or horror a huge favor. Now Prince Sirki has taken over for Boris forever.


Cheers darlings.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Splattered by Golden Globs!


"Yes," you're all saying, "I watched The 66th Annual Golden Glob Awards on TV myself, but how can I know what I thought about them until I read what Tallulah Morehead thinks?" I feel your pain, although I'd vastly prefer feeling your pleasure. (What is with this weird fad of feeling people's pain? Bill Clinton started it; a man who clearly preferred feeling pleasure.)


Well rejoice fans, because my Golden Globs review is up, only not here. Arianna Huffington begged me to post my review over on her struggling little website which is starved for readers, The Huffington Post. It was sad. There was sobbing, and pleading and tears, and offers of vodka and tender Greek boys doing it Greek style. So I relented, and posted my review there. But here's the link, darlings, so you can read it for yourself.


Enjoy darlings. And I'll be back here with something fresh soon. My guess is, it will be vodka.


Cheers darlings.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Their Loss is Our Gain.



Hello darlings, and welcome to my first flogging for 2009. Or at least, my first flogging here at The Morehead the Merrier. I have already had my first flogging while chained to The Huffington Post, with my debut piece, Dead Folks, in which I discuss many of the major dead celebrities of 2008, none of whom, I am glad to report, are me. If you haven't perused it, click on the link and check it out, as I'm not reposting it here.


However, here and here only, exclusively for readers of The Morehead the Merrier, is my far more upbeat year-end obituary piece, My Good Riddance List, people who passed away this year that I am more than glad to see go. The don't-let-the-Door-Into-Hell-hit-you-on-the-ass-as-you-saunter-in type of folks. (Oh all right. Let the door hit you.) They're the Feel-Good Death Notices of 2008. Enjoy.


Since I put his picture at the top of the column, I may as well start with Good old George Putnam, the bombastic, right-wing, demagogic Los Angeles TV & radio "News Reporter". I put "News Reporter" in quotes, because George wasn't so much a reporter as a blowhard gasbag propagandist. If he were 30 years old now, instead of dead, he'd be a star at The Fox "News" Channel. This man made Bill O'Reilly look like a moderate. I'd say he made Bill O'Reilly look sane, but no one can make Billo look sane, not even Ann Coulter, and next to Ann Coulter, Norman Bates has a firm grasp on reality.


George's signature sign-off was "And that’s the up-to-the-minute news; up to the minute, that’s all the news. Here’s to a better, stronger America. I'll see you at 10, see you then." That was George, red, white, and blue. Mind you, while he was proud of being white (Much as his being white embarrassed the other white people), he claimed he never worked blue, and he was adamant that you were better off dead than red.


Anyway, George was so patriotic, he even died on 9-11, just so the rest of us would finally have some good memories of that date.


George was a big fan of Los Angeles Mayor Sam Yorty, and is often credited with his election and re-election. Sam was an incompetent clown who humiliated this city for years back in the 1960s. Think of Georgie Bush without the Death toll or charisma.


George was 50% of the inspiration for The Mary Tyler Moore Show's Ted Baxter, terrible as that is to say about Ted who was, unlike George, lovable. The other 50% was Jerry Dunphy. Jerry inspired Ted's airhead side. George wasn't an airhead. He was evil.


George delivered the news in a style that was hyper-dramatic, ridiculously bombastic, and LOUD! His hammy baritone delivery was so loud, you heard him even if you were tuned to a different station, or didn't own a TV, or were born without ears.


On the Internet, you'll find his anti-pornography screed Perversion for Profit. Imagine being against pornography! He thought gays were "Perverts." He didn't go for "Different strokes for different folks." He advocated the same strokes for all folks.


George is dead now, but porn is alive and healthy, and that to me is a better, stronger America. You'll find my comments on his death in more detail in my flogging from September: Kaputnam.




Chuck Heston, or as I've always called him, Cheston, ascended Mount Sinai for the last time this year. Cheston won an Oscar for his ripely cheesy performance in Ben-Hur. Must have been a slow year. Chuck was really just Steve Reeves without Steve's charm, sex appeal, and Marvin Miller's voice. And you never saw Steve Reeves trying to arm every school kid in America, or constantly expressing his Deep True Love for a parade of America's most evil men: Richard Nixon, Dick Cheney, the entire Bush Family. I imagine him on the set of his Dynasty spin-off night-time soap opera The Colbys, and Aaron Spelling asking him, "Could you dial back the ham, Chuck? Your artificial, cheesy over-posturing is even embarrassing Joan Collins.

Sometimes people - well, Rush Limbaugh - well people also - Let's say, People and also Rush Limbaugh - ask me afterwards why I didn't like Cheston, onscreen or off. You have to wonder about people who say he was a good actor. I always want to ask them things like, "Was your view of the screen obstructed? Did the speaker hanging in your car window short out when he entered? You do know he was the guy with the long white beard right? The bald sexy guy who can act is Yul. Was this perhaps the first movie you've ever seen in your entire life?"


Chuck and I did one film together, a jungle adventure titled The Nude Bush. I played the title role, so don't worry; Dubya isn't in it. In our backlot epic, based on the classic short story Loonychuck vs His Aunts, Cheston owns a Soylent Plantation deep in the dense, uncharted jungles of Anaheim. Since he's far into the jungle, and wants to be even deeper into the bush, he sends for me, as I possess the deepest bush in Anaheim. I sail up the Tustin River, as Cheston's email-order Fancy Woman. We have the usual, everyday jungle-living challenges: monkey housebreaking, native torturing, drug smuggling, a small-dicked virgin man intimidated by a woman who has had sex with normal-sized men, rogue crocodiles, etc., until the climax, when the Soylent Plantation is laid siege to by an army of Soldier's Aunts. These pesky old Soldier's Aunts want their Soylent Green fresh! But the laugh is on the Soldier's Aunts. Soylent Green is made from the natives. Soylent Red is made from the better people. If those Soldier's Aunts had known whom they were eating, they'd have keeled over, and been Soylent Red themselves inside of a week.


For my full evisceration of the Cheston career, check out my April posting: Ben-Hur, Done Him.



Another prominent occupant of this Good Riddance List is Gordon B. Hinckley, President of the Mormon church. The Mormon Church made itself particularly odious this year, which is quite an achievement for them, by spending millions to legislate its delusions into California's laws, in the name of Religious Freedom, even though making their tenants into our laws is the precise opposite of Religious Freedom. Happy as I am to see Hinckley off to Mormon Heaven (Or, as it's known to everyone else, Hell), it does little good. Like Popes, no sooner does a Mormon president die off than they select a new one. At least they only have one at a time, which is more than you can say about their wives, much as they like to pretend to the contrary.


Another person this year from the"We have to destroy Religious Freedom to save it" camp, whose death represents no loss whatever, is George M. Docherty. This fatuous fool, to whom the principle of The Separation of Church and State in our First Amendment was a custom more honored in the breach, led the push to include "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance, in direct violation of the Bill of Rights. We are one nation under laws, and George M. Docherty is now one fool under dirt. By the way, he wasn't even an American. He was from England, which is still legally a theocracy, something we are still fighting not to become, and he returned there to die. They are welcome to him.


Frankly, when Jessie Helms died this year, I have no idea why a national holiday wasn't declared. Jessie was Evil Incarnate: bigoted, ignorant, stupid, and vile. Dancing on his gave isn't enough. They should hold a grand ball on his burial plot. You know what the devil has done to Jessie in Hell? He's locked him in a room with a TV just showing the 2008 presidential election returns over and over. He gets to spend Eternity watching O'Bama get elected President, over and over and over and over. Talk about "Uppity"!


William F. Buckley Jr. had the graciousness to die this year, possibly from the horror of seeing what 8 years of following his lifelong policies and philosophies did to America and The Conservative Movement. Dubya was clearly a buffoon. Buckley was clearly very, very smart, but their combined idiot politics has brought us a new depression. Thanks Bill. Roast in Hell. (And I'm sorry, but watching him on TV could make your skin crawl. The man was creepy!) I discussed his death at greater length in: Why Is This Man Smiling?


Bobby Fischer was a great chess player. He also thought 9-11 didn't go far enough and wasn't bad enough. He was a pig. Bye bye Bobby.



This man is Carl Karcher, the creator of Carl's Jr Restaurants. The money you spent there, he then gave to The Republican Party, to all sorts of hyper-conservative causes and organizations, and to anyone fighting against Gay Rights. He sold out his interests in Carl's Jr. a while back, and he's dead now, so it's okay to eat there again. Just don't order the Soylent Burger, unless you found Carl easier to stomach than I did.


I always felt a bit sorry for Christian Brando, but not sorry enough to forgive murder. Unless he was expressing a delicious irony, Marlon chose the wrong name for that son.


Tony Snowjob was a talking head at The Fox "News" Channel who became Dubya's press secretary. In short, he was a professional liar. Well, they weren't important lies; just invented, make-believe reasons for sending your kids off to die in Iraq. Let's just laugh it off.


Richard Darman was the Republican White House budget director who helped persuade President George Bush Senior to renege on his "no new taxes" pledge. Oh well, it wasn't like we ever believed George in the first place. Oh wait; the fools who voted for him did believe him. Well they just got what they deserved. The problem with that is, we all got what only they deserved, and that goes for the idiots who voted for his son too.


Here's an old favorite: Earl L. Butz. Remember him? He was the Agriculture Secretary under Presidents Nixon and Ford who lost his job when we all heard the wildly racist joke he enjoyed telling. That it was racist was merely to be expected. Nixon appointed him, remember? But that it wasn't remotely funny was really unforgivable. Hey, did Sam Kinison ever try to run the Department of Agriculture? Butt out. And Butz's out!



And Evan Mecham is another fun one. This over-the-top revolting GOP governor of Arizona, after just 15 months in office, became the first U.S. governor to be impeached and removed from office in 59 years when, in April 1988, the state Senate convicted him of obstructing justice and misusing $80,000 in state funds allegedly funneled to his Pontiac dealership to keep it afloat. Nixon just looked like a car salesman. Mecham was one. He just sort of gave himself an economic bail-out, without going through channels.


Mecham brought out the worst in Arizonans: racism, bigotry, intolerance, car salesmanship. After taking office in January 1987, Mecham rescinded the Martin Luther King Jr. state holiday, saying its creation had been illegal. In addition to canceling the holiday, Mecham said working women caused divorce (
Patronizing "Working Women" can cause divorce.) and that he saw nothing wrong with calling black children "pickaninnies." Lovely man. How can one not be happy to see a clown like this dead? What a shame he didn't live long enough to see O'Bama elected to the White House.


At first glance, Richard Hecht seems like one of the good guys. He was a leading figure in the Los Angeles County district attorney’s office, overseeing cases for years, and helping to found its organized-crime unit in the late 1960s. Hecht was "a stabilizing force, a really wonderful guy," said John Van de Kamp, who was district attorney from 1976 to 1982. "Dick was the go-to guy for advice." Ira Reiner, who was district attorney from 1984 to 1992, called Hecht "the bricks and mortar" in an office "where it’s always about managing problems. Without exaggeration, he solved every problem he was brought in on."


Well, not every problem. There is still that pesky little Freedom of Speech thing he worked so hard at eradicating.



Let us look back at the 1962 arrest and subsequent trial of the great Lenny Bruce on obscenity charges. Future Sheriff Sherman Blockhead, then a sergeant in the department, sought Hecht's counsel on whether Bruce’s routine at the Troubadour nightclub in West Hollywood was obscene. Hecht sat through a show – and said "Yes." Something was obscene all right, but it wasn't Lenny Bruce. It was Hecht using The First Amendment to wipe shit off his ass.


"I was deliberately slow in reacting," Hecht recalled in the 2002 book The Trials of Lenny Bruce. (I assume he means "slow" in the sense we mean when we refer to "Slow children.") "I finally concluded that this was an obscene performance under the law." What law? Not The Bill of Rights. Hecht testified at Bruce’s trial. The trial ended in a hung jury (My favorite kind!), so at least he was ineffective at persecuting a greater man than he for exercising his rights under The Constitution.


The real crime was that Hecht never stood trial in Federal court for violating Lenny Bruce's constitutionally guaranteed freedoms.


In an audio interview that accompanies the book, Hecht partly explains the prosecution of Bruce by saying, "It was a different world at that time." No, I was there. It was this same planet, this same country, this same state, and this same Bill of Rights.


Nor was this Hecht's only attack on American Civil Liberties. Hecht became involved in the unfortunately successful prosecution of 20 college militants at San Fernando Valley State College, now known as Cal State Northridge. An L.A. Times editorial called the verdict "a landmark" because student activists had been found guilty of conspiracy charges for the first time, which provided "a new weapon against campus militants." Oh joy. He found new ways to stifle dissent, and continue using The First Amendment for toilet paper. He would have made a Good Little Nazi. Go to Heck, Hecht.


Well, the competition for the anti-coveted title of Most Awful Person to Die in 2008 is getting heated. Hecht was bad, but there's worse coming. Like for instance:
Ruth Greenglass. Her testimony helped send her sister-in-law, Ethel Rosenberg, to the electric chair. Now those are real Family Values! The execution of The Rosenbergs was a particularly shameful chapter in American History.


In July, we lost Frank "The German" Schweihs, reputedly one of Chicago's most feared mob enforcers. Without enforcement, the poor Chicago mobs will just be chaos.


A strong contender, but here's still worse: George Habash, a founder of Arab Nationalism and the architect of infamous airline hijackings in the 1960s and 1970s. Think of George the next time you're taking off your shoes in the airport, as part of the 6-hour boarding process. (George? Really? George? Not Saddam or Habib or Osama? Hmmm. The Republicans tried to make us all afraid of O'Bama just because his middle name is Hussein. Maybe we should have been alarmed at Dubya being named "George." And that George Washington guy we're all supposed to admire. You know the English, our allies against Iraq, classified George Washington as a "Revolutionary" and a "Radical". They even put him on their "No-Voyage" List!)


Well George Habash was pretty awful, but he's still not the top, most revolting, disgusting, evil man to die in 2008. No, the winner is - envelope please - Former Indonesian President Suharto!!! Let's hear it for him. Here's a picture of him with one of his disreputable associates.



This ruthless dictator ruled Indonesia with an iron fist in a spiked steel glove for 32 years! Estimates on the number of people he murdered run from 300,000 (Such optimists) up to around 2,000,000! Folks, we have a winner!

Imagine having murdered so many millions of people, you not only no longer know exactly how many people you've killed, but you can't even narrow it down to the nearest 1,000,000! I may have lost track of how many men I have married, but at least I know that the number is still in the low 2 figures. And I know exactly how many people I have killed.


But Suharto wasn't just a mass murderer and torturer; he was also a world class thief! He multi-tasked, or multi-crimed. He helped himself to Indonesia's money to the tune of roughly $40,000,000,000. America is a Republic. Dubya "Exports Democracy" and tried to make us a Theocracy. But Suharto made Indonesia into a Kleptocracy! When they finally threw him out, they didn't just find towels in his luggage; they found a palace!


Here's a funny fact about this mass-murdering swine. Since he was vehmently anti-communist (as in, he murdered all the communists in Indonesia he could lay hands on, and their spouses, and their children, and their pets, and their friends, and their friends' families and pets, and their neighbors, and their neighbors' families and pets, and anyone else in the vacinity who might have seen anything, and anyone else in the vacinity who hadn't seen anything, and anyone else he felt like, whch was anyone else.), the United States Government considered this filth an ally, and he was always able to count on the C.I.A. to aid him in his atrocities and his thievery, particularly his atrocities in East Timor in the mid-1960s. Democratic and Republican administrations alike provided billions of dollars in military weaponry and training and economic aid, as well as diplomatic cover, to Jakarta over Suharto's 32-year reign. In the United States, Washington's role in Indonesia's killing fields of 1965-66 is effectively forgotten. And the record of American complicity in atrocities in East Timor has been largely ignored - despite calls by that country's official truth commission that the United States apologize and pay reparations. In the words of Pogo, "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

And you want to know the Worst Thing of All about Suharto? (He only had the one name, like Paladin, or Tonto.) He died peacefully in bed, at age 86. None of this Karma-catching-up-with-him crap. He died wealthy, pampered, and unpunished. He enver even stood trial. And while he's been out of power for a while, his successors have kept his Kleptocracy going in his honor.




So put a smile on your faces, friends; because all these jerks are dead! Cheers darlings!