Slytherin House.

The Interview:

Leatherface (Puffing away on a cigarette, because she’s not rotted away inside enough yet): “All right Jordan, I’m going to give you a series of a few words, and I want you to tell me which one is more you.”

Jordumb: “Okay.”

Leatherface: “Glass half-full or half-empty?”

Jordumb: “I guess... Aaaah. I don’t get it. Half -full?” [I’m going with “completely empty.”]

Leatherface: “Decisive or pensive?” [Objection! Asked and answered.]

Jordumb: “What does that mean?”

Leatherface: “Party with employees or no outside relationships with employees?”

Jordumb: “Um, well what do you make, like, partying, like gettin’ drunk?”

Leatherface: “What is your greatest weakness?” [I know! I know! Her brain!]

Jordumb: “My weakness? Terrible in science. Um. He, he, he.” [She thinks her ignorance is funny. Actually, she’s terrible at every subject except “Recess.”]

Leatherface: “Do you have any mentors that you look to for advice?”

Jordumb: “I’m more so like my own mentor, kind of.” [She asks herself for advice? That explains so much. Talk about bad mentoring!]

Leatherface: “How does work mimic life?”

Jordumb: “Oh my goodness, Shelley. Um.”

Leatherface: “You’re going for a big money job. I’m gonna pay you six figures here.” [All zeroes, even the first digit.]

Homophobic Asshole: “Jordan might not have the best interview skills...” [might not?] “... But what the hell; I’d give her the job just ‘cause she’s cute.” [Spoken like Hugh Hefner. Hey Homophobic Asshole, it’s an office job, not a blow job.]

Leatherface: “Why are you looking for a new job?”

Jordumb: “Well, you cain’t be a receptionist forever. And if yer gonna pay me six figures, I’ll take it.” [This is as close to an intelligent reply as she gave.]


Nice to be reminded, amidst all the Voldebitch horror, that Jordumb is the stupidest and most abysmally ignorant grown woman in America.

But I’m ahead of myself, perhaps to put off re-experiencing the soul-grinding horror and revulsion of the eviction of idiot Lawon and the return of Bukie. Lawon was convinced that, if evicted, he had “a 99% chance of coming back,” and not just coming back, but coming back with SUPERPOWERS! The Chenbot could hardly suppress her smirk as she told us “There are no superpowers.” And where did Lawon get that 99% figure? Sniff it. Notice how it smells like shit? That’s because he pulled it out of his ass. I was impressed that he could pull such a large number out of his ass while remaining seated, but then, I’m sure his butt is trained for easy access.

Lawon: “What do you think of me now?” I think you’re a moron. The second worst thing about Thursday’s show was that we didn’t get an exit interview between The Chenbot and Lawon, as he had managed the enormous and impressive feat of making absolutely The Stupidest Move in the entire 11-year history of American Big Brother. Remember, he didn’t merely volunteer to go on the block as a pawn; he volunteered to be evicted from the house! How punishingly stupid is that? And it saved She Who Can Not Be Endured! Oh Lawon, I hope you are Googling yourself and that this brings you here this week. You asked what I think of you now. I would like you to know. I think you are an IDIOT!

And on top of all that, his idiocy, coupled with Queen Kalia’s cowardice and lameness, resulted in saving Voldebitch! No punishment is sufficient for that crime. Waterboarding is too humane.

Queen Kalia: “Oh my God! We should have evicted Rachel.” Yes you should have, you blazing moron. Now stop talking, and begin slapping yourself across your stupid face, HARD! Just keep doing it until I tell you to stop. (And that won’t be until Voldebitch is gone.)

Lawon’s shell-shocked look of bewilderment on finding that Reality didn’t conform to the Fantasy World he had pulled out of his butt was funny, but not funny enough to compensate for the hideous spectacle of seeing Boobiac delirious with joy. And we didn’t even get to see him tell The Chenbot: “I am ready to start PLAYIN’ this game!”



Since I already knew that Daniele was going to win HOH before I watched the episode, I at least derived some pleasure from hearing boob statements like Homophobic Asshole’s: “I’m pretty stoked. We have an excellent shot of winning HOH this week.” At least I’d have the pleasure of watchng those dreams crumble quickly.

The “Love Circle,” wherein Bukie, Boobiac, Homophobic Asshole, Jordumb, Leatherface and Knobby the Big Brother House Elf linked hands and jumpd up and down in joy (or in Knobby’s case, poorly feigned joy) was revolting. Knobby acts like he’s one of them. Everyone knows House Elves are a lower order of being, inferior to all humans except VIP Cocktail waitresses. He clearly thinks he’s a loveable character, when he’s a pathetic clown who is not funny.

And what’s with Leatherface being so open about which side she’s actually spying for? Why Leatherface, you evil, hypocritical, moral vacuum, people are likely to notice that you are the most-treacherous viper in the house.

But just as Leatherface’s true allegiance is coming out now, so Edsel has also been revealed. Her VIP Waitress/Whore bond with Voldebitch was shattered when Edsel threw her under the bus ineffectively last week. Edsel was not invited into the Love Coven. (It was RSVP, and BYOB - Bring Your Own Bitch) Voldebitch has turned on her. Poor Edsel, pretty, but not as pretty as Cassi, a whore, but not as depraved a whore as She Who Can Not Be Endured, stupid, but not as stupid as Jordumb. (Though pretty darn close. This is the woman who said she doesn’t know what an onion tastes like.) And now her best friend in the house is out to get her.

Queen Kalia wept, wailed, shouted, and bitched in The Diary Room over “America” voting Brendon back in. We were told he received around a million votes. Since all of those came from Sadistic creeps hitting “redial,” it means far less than a million people voted the rageaholic jerk back in, and America has around 300 million people in it, I’d say “America” isn’t responsible, just a small minority of jerks. (If you are one of them: damn you to Hell!) In any event, this is YOUR fault Kalia. If you’d stuck to your plan and evicted Voldebitch, one of them would at least still be gone. Kalia should be sentenced to being handcuffed to Boobiac for as long as either of them are still in the house. Her having to lie there, cuffed to Voldebitch while Bukie has his Victory screw, listening to whatever hideous noises Voldebitch makes when in the throws of passion (Because this is one noisy woman) would be a fitting punishment, even though the sex sessions are probably only 30 or 40 seconds long each. The “Real-Life Carrie Bradshaw” could learn first-hand (or first-some organ anyway) about Sex and the Studio City.

Voldebitch complained of Danile having been “arrogant” while Queen Kalia was HOH. Hello? That’s the black hole at the center of the universe calling the kettle “black.” Who was the most-arrogant HOH ever? Hint: I call her Voldebitch. I refer you to my Huffington Post Archives for a column last year on her first stint as HOH, where she was so power-mad and egocentric that I titled the column I, Boobiac . But then, nothing annoys Voldebitch more than when any one but her acts exactly the way she always does. (Except not as bad. No one could be as bad as Voldebitch. Bloody Mary back in the 16th century was a nicer person than Voldebitch. Lucretia Borgia found Voldebitch “too poisonous,” and Livia, the homicidal wife of Caesar Augustus, who murdered one of her own sons, several of her grandchildren and a lot of other people, said: “Voldebitch scares me,” in perfect Latin.)


But I did see something I liked: Voldebitch turning on Leatherface. Now there’s a back that needs some stabbing.

Of course, for an egomaniacal asshole like Bukie, it’s not enough to be back; he must crow about it. He felt it necessary to walk about the house shouting “I’m baaaaack!” at the top of his considerable lungs. He’s learned to be extra-loud and extra-obnoxious from a year of screwing and cheating on Voldebitch. Meanwhile, how’s that cancer cure coming along, Bukie? Better get cracking. The way they puff away on their ciggies, Knobby and Leatherface are going to need it sooner rather than later. But then, the “woman” he “loves” is herself a walking tumor, and very malignant, so maybe he shouldn’t cure cancer. It would kill Boobiac.

Dani was terrified of the challenge because it involved numbers. You know, I stand second-to-none in my loathing of math, but because it’s boring, not because it’s difficult. I understand Jordumb being scared of it. She can lose count after 3 when counting to 10 on her fingers. Remember, she’s the girl who couldn’t figure out how many minutes were in a quarter of an hour. She’s been known to refer to her and Homophobic Asshole as “the three of us.”

It was a perfectly good challenge. Highly-educated (according to them) “geniuses” like Boobiac & Bukie should win this in a walk. Heh, heh, heh.

Voldebitch, who keeps telling us how educated and smart she is, was eliminated, having written a figure well over twice the correct amount. Of course, with giant silicone bags like hers hanging from her chest, it’s not surprising that she overinflates her figures as well as her figure.

Jordumb went out second. That’s right, Voldebitch was stupider than Jordumb. I think that, for the number of pepperonis on the pizzas, Jordumb wrote down “Many.” Well, “Meny.”

Edsel didn’t “get” olives for Florida. Among her suggestions were alligators. I hope she meant dead or stuffed ones. For Florida, I’d have picked “Hanging Chads”, as in “How many of these uncounted-by-the Supreme-Court-which-Bush-Senior-appointed Hanging Chads actually were for Al Gore?” Anyway, “Doctoral Candidate” Bukie couldn’t come near the correct olive tally. Since they were martini olives, playing at home, I got the number exactly right, to the olive.

The Las Vegas item to count was cards. I’d have gone with “whores” myself, as in: “How many whores are currently in the Big Brother House?”

Jordumb: “What losers we are. We are like the worst.” Hmm. Maybe she’s not so dumb after all. That was a very perceptive statement. No wait. She said “We are like the worst.” No. Close, but an accurate statement would be: “We are the worst.”

Homophobic Asshole went out on that one. He’d be welcomed to Vegas after that, as it is clear that he can not count cards.

Edsel: “I’m starting to get dizzy ‘cause, you know, the plane propeller is spinning pretty fast...” A.) No. I can see it myself, and it’s spinning rather slowly. B.) She gets dizzy from watching a propeller spin? This ditz was born dizzy. “... I don’t deal with rivets ever, so I’m not really exactly sure what a rivet is.” Ooooh boy.

1. I "don’t deal with rivets ever” myself, but I know what a friggin' rivet is! I even know the difference between a normal rivet and a flush rivet. (Of course, all my life, audiences have found me “riveting”.)

2. You don’t need to know what they are; just count them, idiot!

3. Rivets taste just like onions. Trust me. I’ll have one heated up for you, then just pop it into your mouth, Edsel. Don’t worry. They’re not fattening.

4. It’s the sound a frog makes, dumbo.

This season really needs a Stupid-Off between Jordumb and Edsel, for the title of Biggest Ignoramus in the House.

Hey! Challenge idea! They could compete for HOH one week by guessing who has the lower IQ in the house: Jordumb or Edsel. Surprise winner: Voldebitch. (Okay, not a huge surprise.)

Knobby went out on the rivets. He is ready to start PLAYIN’ this game!

The last one was to guess the total number of gold coins in a chest. Big Brother claimed there were 2832 gold coins there. Liars! I believe that the total number of gold coins in that chest was 0. There were 2832 gold-colored fake coins in that chest, but they did not rollout a prop chest with enough gold in it to buy a three story house in Bel Air on this cheap-o show.

But that was irrelevant to Dani’s victory, and Voldebitch’s horror, anger, and despair. That’s the way I like to see She Who Can Not Be Endured, if I must see her at all: miserable and despairing.

Dani: “I’m going to make every person, even Shelley, shit their pants.” Classy Dani. I guess your apple hasn’t fallen far from its poisoned tree.

And so the parade of asskissers into the HOH room began with Knobby the Big Brother House Elf offering an irresistible deal: “If I win HOH next week, I would not put you up next week.” So, he has offered that when monkeys fly out of his butt, when George W. Bush solves the Unified Field Theory, when Jordumb gets her PhD in particle physics, and when Knobby wins HOH, he’ll — Put Dani and Kalia up and take all his orders form Voldebitch. Go away, Knobby.

Next snake to slither in was Leatherface, pretending, as she always does, to be the person she’s talking to’s best friend. Dani pointed out Leatherface’s obvious glee when Bukie returned. “I can’t sit there and be in-his-face brutal.” Why not? In any event, there could perhaps be a middle ground between being in-his-face brutal, and holding hands and jumping about with joy in the Love Coven.

She tried to guilt Dani out of targeting her with a lame argument that she felt like she wasn’t one of the cool kids. First off, this evil leathery hag is not kids, and hasn’t been since Bush Senior was president. And the animal-killing swine wasn’t “cool” even then. In any event, betrayals and lies and general snakishness are not cool.

Then she demonstrated her coolness by essentially saying to Kalia: “Would you leave us alone so I can throw you under a bus, please?”

Leatherface said to Dani: “I’m gonna tell you the truth, because that’s just the way that I roll.” Well that’s two big lies in one small sentence, seasoned with an out-of-date cliche. “I really like you.” another lie. “I would like to be on your side.” Yet another lie. When does this truth-telling she rolls with begin?

Leatherface then hurried downstairs to eavesdrop on Edsel and Queen Kalia, just in time for her to hear Edsel call her a “piece of shit.” Sometimes snoopers hear stuff they don’t like. Shit was insulted also

“The moral high road is impossible in this game” said Leatherface to us in the Diary Room. How would she know? She can’t even see the moral high road from the caves of Hell where she’s been slithering since Week One, when she joined The Regulators’ alliance (Remember them?) and reported every bit of their strategy to the vets, voted with the Vets, and lied to everyone about it. I guess we should feel lucky that she speaks to us in English, because her native language is Parseltongue. This witch definitely graduated form Slytherin House.

She slithered outside to coat her lungs with additional tar as she hissed more lies to Edsel: “In this game, I have never once done anything but look out for you....” LIE! She has only ever looked out for herself, and frankly, everyone should have been looking out for her. “... try to do the right thing...” LIE! “... I outta walk around here and treat people the way I just got treated...” Ah, you do. As Leatherface told Edsel lie after lie, the show edited in flashback shots of her doing exactly what she was claiming, with high moral outrage, not to have done.


Said Leatherface of Voldebitch, furious that Voldebitch had told Edsel, back when they were best buds, just what she was up to: “I will never let her take my class away from me.” You can’t take away what you don’t have. This is like seeing a bag lady on the street screaming at people that they’ll never steal her car or burn down her house.

The weirdest thing was, she was even lying to US, apparently forgetting that we see all, know all. Why tell us you have no deal with Voldebitch when we’ve seen you make the deal, seen you deliver on the deal, and saw you bouncing joyfully in the Love Coven? It makes no sense.

Bukie and Boobiac came to deal. Bukie told Dani “right now, you’re in a bad spot” No, actually you are. She’s HOH. But Bukie is a firm believer in negotiating with threats.

“I’m using pure logic to play this game,” said the rageaholic Bukie, who wouldn’t know logic if it cured cancer in front of him. Bukie’s logic included throwing his game-long ally Jordumb under the bus. Dani told them flat-out that she couldn’t trust them. But what did she do, come nomination time? She took Voldebitch’s recommendations, and nominated Knobby and Leatherface. I’d be happy, nay, jubilant, to see either of them leave, but first I want Voldebitch OUT!

Well, maybe she’s planning on backdooring She Who Can Not Be Endured. I can only hope.

However, only Leatherface seemed to be shitting her pants, and she always smells that way.

Knobby: “My game play has been really bad this season.” As opposed to his other seasons? Does he think he’s one of the vets? This is his only season, but yes, his game play sucks. Also his taste in music, food, grooming, and actresses. In fact, I’m hard pressed to find any aspect of him that does not suck. Well, he also blows.

Even at the table, as they waited for the keys to arrive, Leatherface was working the room. Okay, she was bad-mouthing Voldebitch, which I’m generally fine with, but she was telling people that Voldebitch was the spy who passed information around. Wrong. She was never privy to the Newbies’s plotting. It was Severus Leatherface who is the rat. Still it was nice to see that by the end of the hour, the Love Coven circle were all at each other’s throats, fighting to be the one to push the others under the bus first. It was like watching the Republican debate (not that I did. I’m a hedonist, not a masochist.), and seeing all the most-evil people in America stop slamming the President for their own crimes to spend an hour turning viciously on each other, and then trooping out to deep-throat corn dogs and deep-fried butter. Clog them arteries thick and fast, Bachmann and Perry. We look forward to your funerals.

Leatherface in the Diary Room: “I am actually furious that Rachel would blatantly lie.” Oh boy.

1. Leatherface has been blatantly lying since Day One, if not Hour One. What’s good for the dodo is good for the cobra.

2. The “lie” she’s furious about Voldebitch telling was not a lie.

“Rachel, you are safe.” Is there an uglier sentence in the English language? Well maybe “Madam, we are out of booze.” Fortunately, I’m not. Cheers darlings.

FUCK EVERYONE WHO VOTED TO BRING BACK BUKIE!

Worst turn of events in BB history. I have no jokes right now, I'm still too filled with rage. That COWARDLY ASSHOLE Kalia lost all her balls, and blew Voldebitch's eviction. Thanks to her utter lack of fortitude or brains, instead of being rid of Voldebitch, we have Bukie BACK!!! That MORON Lawon votes himself out of the house, convinced that this week the eviction would just be a formality before being granted superpowers. IDIOT! (Good riddance. Incidentally, Lawon is finally ready to start PLAYIN' this game!) If they had voted out Voldebitch, she would have had to play against Bukie, and we would only have ONE of them in the house. ASSHOLES! ASSHOLES!! ASSHOLES!!!

Now Voldebitch will not only be filled with joy over having Bukie back, but she'll think a million Americans love him and her. She'll stop feeling worthless and unloved. She SHOULD feel worthless and unloved, because she IS worthless and HATED!!!!

I have not been this disgusted by America since the 2004 presidential election. Who the fuck voted for BUKIE?? I want names! All the names, so they can be killed! I'm assuming only four people voted for him (as how many family members who can work a telephone can he have?), and they all just pressed "Redial" 250,000 times each. To every person on earth who voted for Bukie: FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID, EVIL FUCKING ASSHOLES!!!! And anyone who voted for Bukie is unwelcome here.

I don't know what a conniption fit is, but I'm guessing this is what they mean by it.

And for this I missed seeing that nobody Tim Pawlenty try to make an identity for himself by calling Michele Bachmann names on TV. I love hearing Bachmann called names. She's the only woman in America who is worse than that evil, horrible fucking BITCH, Voldebitch!

Can you tell that I am genuinely angry?

Queen Kong Meets Bridezilla!

“‘I weep for you,’ the walrus said,
‘I deeply sympathize.'
With sobs and snorts, he sorted out,
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket handkerchief before his streaming eyes.”
– The Walrus & The Carpenter, Lewis Carroll.

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “You said I pulled the first sword? Well guess what?...” [Let me! Let me! Ah, my guess is that monkeys are flying out of your butt. Am I right? Am I right? Oh poop. Well, go on.] “ ...I’m back with Excalibur! And that sword is undefeated!” So she didn’t make it all the way to the end of any Arthurian retelling beyond Disney’s The Sword in the Stone, not even a high school production of Camelot. Not even the Vegas mutilation of Spamalot. Because it usually ends badly.

But more to the point, how did Voldebitch get Excalibur? She hasn’t been allowed to leave the Big Brother House, so how could she go to England, find the unknown-for-centuries, final resting place of Excalibur, retrieve it, and return to Studio City without Alison Grodner noticing?


And besides, how could she have drawn it forth? Only he who is rightwise born King of all the Britons can draw Excalibur from its rest, let alone wield its mighty powers. Is Boobiac the rightful King of England? Should she and Bukie have been married at a cost of millions in Westminster Abbey, instead of a two-dollar, apartment pretend-wedding in the Big Brother House, with the Bridezilla adorned in garbage?


Wait! Wait! I have it! As we know, for the last week Adam was the Big Brother House Elf. But, since Big Brother gave him a gift of clothes, that is, the elf suit he had to wear, he is now a free house elf. Certainly with his freedom, must have come the ability to apparate in and out of the Big Brother House. In the Harry Potter movies and books, Dobby, The Freed House Elf, can pop-up wherever needed, with the Sword of Griffindor clutched in his - ah - I want to say “hand”? Now obviously, Adam, aka Knobby the Big Brother House Elf, must have used his magical powers to steal Excalibur for Voldebitch. It might even be one of her whorecruxes.


But the laugh is on She Who Can Not Be Endured. Unbeknownst to her, Danielle got her dad to smuggle Andúril (Sindarin for "Flame of the West") into Queen Kalia’s HOH Room accouterments disguised as a picture of Queen Kalia’s mother and giant sisters reducing a full-grown beef steer to whitened bones in two and a half minutes using only their teeth. (Queen Kalia wept at the golden memory. They won a ribbon.)

Of course, as all schoolboys know Andúril was originally Narsil, the sword forged during the First Age by the Dwarf Telchar of Nogrod, a famous weaponsmith and artificer who also made the knife Angrist, which cut a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. (I’ll bet you thought I didn’t know that. HA!) Elendil, first king of Gondor, used Narsil in the War of the Last Alliance against Sauron. During the siege of Barad-dûr, Elendil and Gil-galad overthrew Sauron, but perished in the act, and Narsil broke into two beneath Elendil as he fell. Elendil's son Isildur then used the hilt-shard of the sword to cut the One Ring from the hand of Sauron. The sword was reforged in Rivendell in 3018 T.A. (Third Age. Keep up!) during the War of the Ring, and thereafter it was renamed Andúril by Aragorn, the heir of Isildur. He carried the sword to victory and the ultimate utter destruction of the Dark Lord Sauron and all the Kingdom of Mordor.

Sounds to me like Boobiac is the one in trouble.

If you, like me, find Boobiac’s tears to be the sweetest wine, this week you were drunk on your ass. Cry, Boobiac, cry.

About “Bukie.” I’ve been spelling it “Bookie,” but I saw another BB commentor spell it “Bukie,” and as that carries the whiff of “Bukakke” (Which I am not going to define for you. Google it.), it is a much funnier way to spell it, and I’m making the adjustment. No wonder Bukie was so angry when she let slip that was her pet name for him, given what it may mean. (Like I said, Google it.)

Boobiac: “If I win POV, I can’t pull you off.”

Bukie: “No, you pull yourself off.” This is really way more information about their intimate, personal practices than I need to hear.

Bukie, trying to “Comfort” Boobiac: “Worst case scenario, if I were to go home: we’re gonna be married for the rest of our lives.” Wow. That is The Worst Case Scenario all right!

Bukie is a man with a plan. He’s going to invent “something” (he hasn’t a clue what) that will cure cancer (since a man with the vision to fall in love with She Who Can Not Be Endured must be able to see that which is invisible to we mere mortal men) and thus “patent it and make money for the rest of my life.” Yes, Bukie is a man who has looked at Suffering Humanity and thought to himself: “There’s money to be made here.” The nobility is staggering. And that his Cancer Curey Thingamabob will also benefit mankind (or those members of mankind that can afford it. Bukie will have his wife’s additional implants to pay for) is like a bonus!

Funniest Line of the Week: after the first round of bidding in the POV competition, when Voldebitch made the lowest bid for the first task, Emcee Queen Lawon said: “And Rachel went down the fastest time.” I had to hit “pause” while I bellowed with laughter. And what do I hear when I hit “play” again? Bukie saying: “All right baby, don’t overchew.” Good advice, and I speak as a woman named “Morehead.”

Queen Kalia’s observation that Bukie & Boobiac’s shouted words of encouragement during competitions sounds hilariously like instructive pillow talk given in, I’m certain, the exact same volume and tone of voice, is on the nose. Once you’ve been instructed to hear them that way, you can never unhear them that way again.

Bukie: “Good job, baby. Nice and easy. Nice and easy. Doin’ great. I’m so proud of you. That’s my fiancee up there , everybody.” (They met on Big Brother. They’re so accustomed to public intimacy, that Bukie introduces her to their, I hope appreciative, audiences every performance. Of course, after Bukie was publically unfaithful to Boobiac online last year, maybe he does need to point out when it IS his fiancée “up there,” as opposed to when it’s just some woman he met in a cyberbar.)

Incidentally, when Bukie said: “I’m so proud of you,” even without the double entendre, he was expressing pride in her demonstrating that she could walk and chew gum at the same time. And adding to her Degree of Difficulty score is that she’s so top-heavy. I mean her big, smart, brain. Get your minds out of her giant bra. I’m ashamed of all of you.

Ooh, at the end, Bukie shouted to Boobiac: “Good hustle.” It is their pillow talk!

Knobby the House Elf was eliminated first, since he was there to prove that he could do well at competitions, just not this competition, which was made up of a lot of other competitions, all of which he’d already lost anyway, so he could hardly be expected to win this one, could he? He was so mad, he put Voldebitch, aka Bridezilla, on his “Naughty” List. That will keep her awake nights. He might - ah - play badly near her. Or go shirtless.


Boobiac then knocked herself out by bidding that she could solve a puzzle like Maria in no time at all.

Homophobic Asshole is not only terrified of spelling, he’s also a lousy milk delivery system. He fails being a mammal at the most-primal level.

Bukie won POV, like I was worried that Edsel would actually win. When Bukie was trying to use his big, manly club to knock his balls into a gaping hole on a bushy slope, we got to hear Boobiac’s usual pillow talk back: “You got it sweetie. Close, close, close, close.” I was waiting for “a little bit to the left.”

Bukie then got clever, clever like a moron. He conceived the brilliant plan to pretend to intend to use the POV to take himself off the block, and then, at the crucial moment, take Boobiac off instead. This would accomplish...? I’m still trying to figure that part out. It is utterly pointless. Danielle, as anyone would, came up with two choices, one for if he came off, the other if she did. Bukie sprang his Genius Moment. Danielle nominated Jordan, and Bukie was doomed. No way the psycho manpet of Voldebitch, whose rages are asinine and annoying, would be kept over dopey but sweet Jordan, who doesn’t annoy people.

When Leatherface enters a room and asks: “What’s cookin’? What are your plans?” That’s the time to shut up.

WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? Bukie: “Daniele, you spent all week building this beautiful house of cards. And what did I do? I just took one little flick at one card, and it all came tumbling down.” Huh? What is he babbling about? What does he think he’s done? Danielle spent all week trying to insure that Bukie gets evicted. He made her think for a few hours that she might, just might, have to settle for Boobiac going home this week instead of him. Wow, it’s like choosing between ice cream or cake, between vodka or gin. No bad outcomes. Then, he provided her, via his last-moment “clever” play, his “flick,” with a moment of relief mixed with joy, and insured that Bukie will, in fact, be gone this week. Oh Moron, that House of Cards is still standing, but you’re not.


Bukie: “Using the Power of Veto on Rachel is really a no-brainer for me.” That’s good. It’s the ones that do require a brain that he can’t do.

The show went on and on about how Bukie had “shocked” everyone in the house by taking Voldebitch off the block. Oh please. Who was fooled, and so what? Some people may have been disappointed, like those of us who would happily see Studio City burned to ashes, and the ground sown with salt, if only it would rid me of Voldebitch forever, but not shocked. We could still be happy that Bukie was going away, preferably to a rubber room where he can work on his cancer-curey-thingee and on his tan at the same time. (He could cause and cure cancer the same day!)

Jordan wanted to know in advance if she’s getting evicted because she brought an “Eviction Dress,” like her confirmation gown, assuming she’s ever been confirmed, or even established. Does she own a shroud too, and want to know in advance before death takes her, so she can be dressed for the occasion? She’s an odd girl.



Boobiac, with the skill of a professional narcissist, made Bukie’s impending eviction all about her.

Voldebitch: “Who am I going to jump on when I win HOH?” In the hideous event of that catastrophe occurring a third time, I have a suggestion as to whom, or more accurately, into what, she should jump.

Boobiac in her full-scale Self-Pity Party in the hammock: “No one cares in this game about anyone but themselves.” Translation: No one in this game cares about me more than themselves.” Yes? So?

Boobiac to Bukie, through sobs: “You made a mistake by ever asking me to marry you... I ruin everything... When I get out of the house this summer, people are going to hate me more... I’m not going to ever get a job. I’m not even that smart.” Wow! Talk about searing self-honesty! Everyone of those statements is absolutely, 100% true, even if she’s made Bukie “more happier” than he’s ever been. (Merely being “more happy” was insufficient; he had to be “more happier.” PhD candidate, he says.)

Boobiac: “I’m not a bad person.” Well, the honesty couldn’t go on forever.




Evil Dick was back with a pre-taped indulgence of his ego. I could not possibly care less. I care more for the fates of the snails in my neighbor’s garden than I care what Evel Dick has to say — about anything.

I loved that the live studio audience laughed mockingly at Boobiac’s tearful vote for Jordumb.

Bukie apologized for his rushed goodbyes, explaining that he had a “gorgeous fiancee” to deal with. Then why did he spend so much time hugging She Who Can Not Be Endured, his Repulsive Fiancee? I want to see this cute fiancee. And what’s with his having two of them anyway? What is he, a Mormon? Bukie or Warren Jeffs?




If this returning evictee twist means Bukie or, if she’s exiled this week, Boobiac, returning, I will be having a conniption fit. I don’t actually know what a "conniption fit” is, but I’m damn certain a reappearance of Bukie or Boobiac would bring one on. On the other hand, if Cassi or Dominic comes back. I’m cool with that.

The HOH competition was one of those gameplay memory quizzes that are Voldebitch’s speciality, so it was a relief when Queen Kalia won, and the chances of being rid of Boobiac increased. I can’t stand Queen Kalia, but she will continue a teensy bit of momentum for the Newbies at last.


Foul-mouthed Voldebitch had to be admonished by The Chenbot for her live TV potty mouth. Naughty, naughty.

Boobiac: “Danielle got rid of Brendon to make me hurt.” That’s pure Voldebitch; the whole world is all about her. Danielle’s motive couldn’t have been removing the biggest threat in the house. No, no. Boobiac, you boob, hurting you was not the reason; that was just collateral benefit, a bonus.

Lawon: “Now it’s time for the new kids on the block to show these veterans we are here to play!” It’s Day 34. The time to show them you were there to play was a month ago. Lawon’s game play is more behind the times than his New Kids on the Block reference.

Voldebitch: “Kalia is like the worst person that could have won HOH this week.” Oops. Boobiac has herself mixed up with Kalia. Easy mistake for a total narcissist.

Hearing Boobiac’s sobs as she saw Bukie’s picture turn to black & white was sweet ambrosia, almost instantly ruined by Queen Kalia’s creepy victory dance and celebration alone in the pantry, as she told all the Dharma Initiative Food Supplies in there her plans for the week. “Nobody in this game better say that I’m freakin’ not here to play, nobody,” she lectured the potato chips. She’s odd. Don’t hire her to babysit. Your snacks might sass her.

Boobiac put on two sweatsuits and then climbed under a pile of woolen blankets for a sobby self-pity fest. I live only a couple miles away from the Big Brother House, and I was sleeping on a bare sheet naked. It is hot!

The Vet-Alliance Brain Trust, Jordumb and Edsel, came in to comfort Boobiac for some reason I can not fathom, and they used the lyrics of the theme song for The Golden Girls for dialogue. If only they’d been using the lyrics from the theme song for M*A*S*H.

Everyone seems to have taken the twist “the person evicted this week will have a chance to return,” as meaning “The person who is evicted this week will return.” That would make evictions totally meaningless, rather than just partially meaningless. Use your brains fol— Sorry. Forgot of whom I was speaking.

“Who wants to see my HOH Room?” No one. No matter who is HOH, no one cares, least of all me. Could we retire “Who wants to see my HOH Room?” please?

I was as weirded out as Homophobic Asshole was to see Queen Kalia carry on like it’s her baby’s funeral at seeing a picture of her mother whom she hasn’t seen in the better part of five weeks. This never makes sense to me. I would assume that the reason you do a show like this is to get away from your family for three months. I haven’t seen my mother in 14 years, and yet I never break out into Boobiac’s-longing-for-Bukie level sobbing and keening at the sight of her picture, though if I’m unprepared, an unretouched photo of her can still make me jump and shudder, but I almost never scream anymore.

Kalia, grow up.

Leatherface hopes her little girl, in elementary school (and undoubtedly overjoyed to be away from Mommy for a few months), will “save all her stories” for when Leatherface gets home. She wants her little girl to keep a journal perhaps, of who won foursquare today, who jumped rope the longest yesterday without tripping, why Johnny Xifo is a “poopyhead,” and all the thrills encountered while learning the times-table for 7? I have never met an elementary-school-age kid with interesting stories to tell, even when I was 8. The number of classic novels, or even trashy best sellers, written by 8 year olds littering our international library shelves can be counted on the fingers of a single amoeba.

Knobby thinks that taking off his Elf outfit means he is no longer an Elf. He is so wrong. He shalt be Knobby, the Big Brother House Metal Elf henceforth forever. World Without End. Amen.


So does Leatherface often chat up women, and then later try surreptitiously to wriggle up underneath them as they sleep? This was some majorly creepy perving. Maybe “Leatherface” isn’t her only “L” Word. When Knobby is on the show, and you’re still the creepiest person there...

Edsel has no idea what an onion tastes like? Really? How is that possible? Really! How? Really! Has she ever eaten food?

This competition was disgusting, but it was also a great competition, unless you are a total moron like Edsel.

Lawon was ready to start playin’ this game. He just wasn’t ready to start winnin’ this game.

I knew that Elves didn't get along well with dwarves, and that wizards kept them as slaves up to the present day, but I had no idea they were also fighting with the fairies. Can't elves get along with anyone?


Homophobic Asshole: “These things are like drinking a warm beer out of your old friend’s shoe.” So many thoughts flashed through my head hearing that. When, and under what circumstances, did Homophobic Asshole experience drinking warm beer out of his old friend’s shoe so he could make the comparison? Does drinking warm beer from an old friend’s shoe differ substantially from drinking warm beer from the shoe of a relatively new acquaintance, or even the footware of a total stranger, or - dare I say it? - a shoe stolen from who knows whom? What about drinking a warm beer from the shoe of an enemy you have vanquished on the field of battle, though preferably with the foot removed? Is he recommending drinking warm beer from the shoes of old friends (the English I believe, often do just that. They call them “Wellington Shots”) or is he repulsed by the idea?

When Jordumb was chugging her vile brew, with whether Boobiac would suffer a third consecutive week of slop on the line, we got to hear She Who Can Not Be Endured’s pillow talk to Jordumb. It’s L-Word week in the Big Brother House. First Leatherface perving on Queen Kalia, now the revelation of the hidden intimacies of Jordumb and Boobiac: “Good job, Jordan, Good job. You got this girl. Jordan, you’re doing such a good job.” I was surprised Homophobic Asshole didn’t have a jealous explosion. Oh, and Jordumb didn’t do a good job. She lost, keeping Boobiac on slop. But Jordumb was consumed by guilt, and had her own minor (compared to Boobiac’s) pity party. We also learned that she does not know whether one drinks a cocoanut or eats one. Odd girl, but I bet she knows how an onion tastes.

Kalia wants to trust Leatherface. Stop “wanting to,” and look at all the evidence you’ve seen that she’s a total backstabbing liar, who also pervs on you in the hammock.


Lawon is ready to start playin’ this game. Just thought I’d mention it.

Where did Homophobic Asshole get the idea that the way to charm a person out of nominating you as the pawn is to scream orders and threats at them? It doesn’t work well.

Kalia: “I could very well be like literally digging my own grave.” No she couldn’t. If she were literally digging her own grave, she would have a shovel in her hands, and be digging a person-sized hole to a depth of six feet, and then lying down in it, as it is filled in. She told us she was the “real-life Carrie Bradshaw,” in part because she’s a writer. She’s a writer, but she uses “literally” where she means “metaphorically.” I thought Carrie Bradshaw was supposed to be a good writer. Why would the real-life one be a bad writer?

She nominated Voldebitch and Homophobic Asshole. Please let it be Boobiac’s turn to exit forever. Queen Kalia: “I’m gonna jump, grow wings, and fly on the way down.” Ah, bad plan. Grow wings first! Do not jump until you have those wings grown and working. You only get to make this mistake once.

And why, sitting next to Dani at the nomination ceremony, did Voldebitch suddenly turn into my little brother in the back seat of my parents’ un-air-conditioned station wagon all the way across Arizona and New Mexico?

Let’s send Boobiac and Excalibur back into the lake, and make her the Lady of the - well - Whore of the Lake.


Cheers darlings.

Downhill Disgracers.

“The Lord Alps those who Alp themselves.” - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff, Horsefeathers (1932).

Okay, let’s get the nice stuff out of the way first, so it doesn’t get in the way of the snark later on. Lawon provided the big emotional moment this week, and for once it was a rare (for this show) positive moment. Although Lawon’s coming out was about as surprising as learning that Amy Winehouse was dead, still his story of his grandma’s acceptance of him was genuinely touching. Good for Granny. (Lawon’s grandmother already knew he was gay before Lawon told her. Well of course she did. She’d met him.) Granny told him to go out and be the best black gay man he could be, borrowing slightly from Herb Gardner’s A Thousand Clowns. This is good advice for Lawon. If it is, perhaps, setting his sites a little low, at least it is achievable.

And it’s nice for Lawon to contribute something to the show, since his contributions so far have been primarily limited to occasionally shouting at us or at some player he’s trying to align with: “I am ready to start playin' this game!” Then he does nothing else until the next time, a week or ten days later, when he next announces his readiness to commence playin' this game, should any one have a game of this going anywhere with an open chair for him. He means it. He is ready to play! Somebody might even align with him, were not the others busy playin' this game.

Normally, the most-positive emotion I can summon for Voldebitch is loathing, but I have to admit I felt for her, during her week-long, Sherman’s-March-to-the-Sea, rampage of destruction as HOH, when Lawon came and yelled at her that he was ready to start playin' this game, along with other random, meaningless phrases. Poor Boobiac couldn’t even manage the effort of pretending to be listening to his content-free babbling.

I did no Big Brother columns last week because, quite frankly, Voldebitch returning to the HOH room was simply too depressing and repetitive to linger over. I was bored. Having her back on the show this year is bad enough, but having her as HOH for two of the first three weeks was dispiriting, and I took no pleasure in watching the likeable virgin (in so far as it is possible to like a virgin. I realize it’s not a choice; he was born a virgin, but damn it! There’s a great cure. No one needs to go on living with the shame of virginity anymore, unless they’re both extremely ugly and really broke.), young Dom, get home-schooled and kicked off of Big Brother, by making two bonehead mistakes.

1. Throwing the POV competition. Never, never, never, never throw a POV competition when you are on the block. A promise that you’re safe can be a lie (and if it’s made by She Who Can Not Be Endured, it has to be a lie.), but a POV charm around your neck means you are safe this week.

2. Trusting Leatherface. Trying to raise an army too soon, Dom blabbed to Leatherface, and she ran right off and tattled every word to Boobiac & Bookie, who went ballistic to learn that Dom might be considering trying to win the game for himself, rather than for them, at some future point in the season. And the idiot kid never tried to figure out who had betrayed him. Even in the pointless house meeting Bookie demanded to call Dom out for doing what everyone there should be doing, plotting the downfall of Bookie & Boobiac, the question “Who told you?” was never even asked. Leatherface just sat there playing innocent and shocked, and no one suspected her because she’s a Mom.

It’s his home-schooling. Never having had recesses and lunch periods and PE classes with other kids growing up, he was unaware of how actual people interact in real life, when competing for big money. Look at how startled he is, emerging from the Big Brother House, to see all those people waiting for him. We all grew up in classes of 35 or 40 students, some more, some less, but Dom’s classes were he and Mom. The best thing about going to school was that Mom was not there.

Secondly, having grown up under a domineering mother who ruthlessly controlled everything he was ever allowed to learn, he has been brainwashed into blindly trusting all “Moms,” not knowing that Moms you can trust farther than you can spit are rarer than unicorns. So Dom trusted Leatherface, who stabbed him in the back and betrayed him to the Vets, as she has systematically betrayed and decimated her Newbie “allies” since Week One. Voldebitch called Cassi “a snake.” Well there is a snake in the house all right, and I dubber her Leatherface.

(By the way, amusing as it was for She Who Can Not Be Endured to lose a challenge by misspelling “moisturizer,” the female equivalent of “technotronics,” still, if there was one woman in the house I would expect to misspell “moisturizer,” it would be Leatherface, as she clearly hasn’t allowed any to touch her in decades. Boris Karloff’s skin was more baby’s-butt-soft in the opening reel of The Mummy than Leatherface’s.)

Dom is like Altaira, the character played by Ann Francis in Forbidden Planet. Altaira is 20 years old, and not only is she a home-schooled virgin, but her father, The Mad Scientist Professor Morbius, who "unintentionally" mass-murdered all the rest of their rocketship crew/colleagues, is the only other human being she has ever seen. She knows “all that stuff about biology,” but has no idea what a kiss is, or why an all-male crew that’s been out in deep space for a year all act like jackasses around her. (The gay ship’s cook, played by Earl Holliman, is so horny, he gets Robby the Robot drunk and takes advantage of him, or vice versa.) That’s our Dom, home-schooled on another planet. “‘Kiss’? What means this strange word ‘kiss’?” But his mother is mad Dr. Morbius, who has sent her Id Monster, in the form of Leatherface, to expel her son and force him to come back home to Mommy’s rigid control.

Hmmm. Who else in the House this summer reminds one of a character in Forbidden Planet?

Ah well, back to the Big Brother House.

Okay, we had a straight-forward endurance challenge on skis, and the athletic showing by the men was pathetic. Bookie loves to point out that in The Bookie & Boobiac Show, Voldebitch is their “brains” who wins quiz challenges (“Who does America think is the bigger skank? A, Leatherface or B, Voldebitch?” “B, Julie!” “That’s right, Boobiac.”), while Bookie is their athlete who wins them the physical competitions. Imagine being paired with She Who Can Not Be Endured and she's “The Smart One”! But she lost a “smarts” competition through her misspelling of “moisturizer, and now in this athletic endurance challenge, he, and, in fact, all the men, went out like wimps. Bookie even had the chutzpah to mock Kalia for doing better than he did, from the losing sidelines, making that crack about her “muffin” keeping her up there. Well her muffin beat the hell out of your sixpack, Bookie.

The best thing about Adam getting stuck wearing the elf suit is that for a week, there is no danger of seeing him shirtless.

Voldebitch seems actually to think that yelling stuff like “Hang on” will influence who will win the challenge. Maybe she’s right. Both Bookie and Homophobic Asshole are stupid enough that they might have needed reminding to hang on.

Lawon screamed at us that he is a competitor. It’s good that he did yell that as, how else would we know? From the way he loses challenge after challenge after challenge?

After Lawon allowed himself to fall off the skis (No women had fallen yet), he had to yell at us: “Why? I want to win something at the Big Brother!” Well, then stop losing. Lawon, competing is more than just announcing you are ready to compete; it also involves actually competing. You always forget to do that part. In any event, you won just what your lame performance deserved, a week of slop.

Edsel is glad, after three weeks of Golden Key sidelining, to be playing. She is ready to compete: “I definitely want to win this HOH, and prove to the Veterans that I’m here to compete and keep them safe.” Cute, dear. How did that winning-the-challenge work out for you? What did it prove? And why do you want to prove to the Veterans you’re their mind slave? You should be plotting to get rid of them so you can win. Did you forget how the game is played?

Bookie went down third. Still no women down yet. Lame, lame, lame. And then down goes Homophobic Asshole, another “athlete. All the men are down, all of the women are still up. Disgraceful, men.


Daniele, on whom, mere hours before, Voldebitch & Bookie had declared war, won HOH in a walk, and suddenly the week developed a chance to become interesting again.

As Edsel was making excuses to us in The Diary Room about why she fell out instead of showing she was here to compete and keep the Veterans safe, she explained that her pain was “more in my shoulder, right here” as she pointed at the inside of her elbow, on the far side of her bicep from her shoulder. I had to rerun it three times, because I could not believe she was pointing to the inside of her elbow as she told us it was her shoulder, but that is what she did. I wonder what she would point to if I asked her to point to her ass.

Admittedly, there was not much suspense for me, as I’d checked the feeds Thursday night to see who won.

When it was down to just Leatherface, Queen Kalia, and Dani, the Vets (and Edsel) all began cheering on Leatherface. Oops. She’s your spy, nimrods. Queen Kalia, even has she struggled to keep her muffin on her pole (Ask Bookie. I don’t know what it means), realized that the cheering for Leatherface meant they knew she was their creature. Finally someone suspected the demon lurking beneath the rawhide countenance. Leatherface tried to pass it off as Voldebitch and Edsel just wanting her to see a photo of the child she is on TV teaching bad Situational Ethics to. Oh puh-leaze. Voldebitch doesn’t give a rat’s ass in Hell whether Leatherface ever lay peepers on her Hellspawn again or not. She cheers only for those she feels certain will not put her on the block. Even Queen Kalia isn’t stupid enough to miss that. Dom would buy it, except he’s already bought it.

She Who Can Not Be Endured told us at length how she would have won this HOH competition if she hadn’t been unfairly prevented from playing just because of the dumb old rules of the game.

Homophobic Asshole: “In the end, I lost.” Actually, he lost in the middle.

“Two classless people up there,” said Leatherface to Bookie and Voldebitch, the two least-classy people in the house, and possibly on earth. For that matter, Leatherface’s class is looking more and more like Trailer Trash.

Queen Kalia accurately described Voldebitch’s post-loss moods as “The Victim Pity Party of the Year.” Kalia tried making a pleasant, friendly comment to her (why bother?), and as if She Who Can Not Be Endured’s poor sportsmanship rudeness wasn’t bad enough, Bookie throws lit matches on the oil with idiot gratuitous insults like “Forget it. She’s not worth it.” Not worth what? Accepting an olive branch? Way to diffuse the tension., Mr. Chivalry.

Voldebitch: “I haven’t done anything to deserve this.” She Who Can Not Be Endured is the least self-aware human on earth. In the old MGM historical melodrama Rasputin and the Empress, my old beaux and drinking buddy John Barrymore has this exchange with Czar Nicholas:

John Barrymore, referring to the investigation of an assassination that just occured: "A number of suspects have been arrested." (Note, he only said "suspects," not "the killers".)

Czar Nicholas: "Shoot them! All of them!"

John: "Without a trial? ... Your highness, another wholesale execution..."

Czar Nick: "You have your orders."

Okay, but then, exactly four minutes later...

Czarina Alexandria: "What have we done to these people of yours, Nicky, that they should hate us so?"

That’s Voldebitch: “What have we done to these people of ours, Bookie, that they should hate us so?”

Voldebitch actually thinks that when people pretend to want to see her HOH room, they mean it, and aren’t just faking it because no one can actually stand being in a room with her. Boobiac, no one ever wants to see a competitor’s HOH room. You are not Party Central to anyone but the voices in your head.

Homophobic Asshole was being a lame, wimpy wuss, pouting over how Dani hurt his wittle feewings. Oh stuff a sock in it, H.A. You think being nominated two weeks running didn’t hurt Adam’s feelings? (I’m almost 87% certain that Adam has human feelings, or something very like them.) His main complaint was that Dani was not nominating him this week, but what if some day, someone does? Suck it up, wuss, or try actually winning the HOH competition.

I did enjoy seeing Voldebitch fall on her face while jogging as obnoxiously (“Look at me!” her route screamed) as she could. I’m amazed her overinflated crash bags didn’t bounce her right back to her feet.

Dani nominated Bookie and Voldebitch. I know which one I want to go home, but I’ll be okay if he goes home instead.

I’m bored. Cheers darlings.

Sunday, Booby Sunday

I am so sick of Voldebitch and these houseguests (and we’re only at week 3) that I felt like: to Hell with posting pictures of them, so the one above is all you get. It happens that Pasha, tWitch, and Brandon are back on So You Think You Can Dance now, as “all-star” dancing partners for the much-lamer contestants, so they can’t be eliminated. So I’m posting pictures of them instead, because they are nice, talented, and very, very hot, unlike out star houseguests. Here’s Pasha dancing alone on the stage.



Unfortunately, I’ll still be talking about She Who Can Not Be Endured, and her Reign of Error in the Big Brother House. She’s so horrible, even Homophobic Asshole can no longer stand her.

Jordumb: “I would-a loved to put up Brendan and Rachel but I couldn’t...” Yes, you could have and then we’d be rid of Voldebitch! “... ‘cause it’s too early in the game to make everybody mad.”

It would not have made “everybody” mad. It would have made Bookie and Boobiac mad. Everyone else would have been happily, joyously, voting She Who Can Not Be Endured out the door on her silicone ass. And besides, Everything makes She Who Can Not Be Endured mad, so why not do it in a good cause, like disposing of She Who Can Not Be Endured once and for all? Instead, you’ve made me mad. Plus, if you wait too long, like they did last year, you’re stuck with Voldebitch in the Jury House.

Seeing Voldebitch triumphant and smug is worse than seeing heaps of butchered babies. It is worse than a double-feature of Skidoo and Sextette. “Cassi, you want to accuse me of being catty, of being bitchy?” asked Voldebitch cattily and bitchily. One does not accuse She Who Can Not Be Endured of being catty and bitchy; one merely notices it. One does not “accuse” the sun of setting.

Dominic: “The Regulators could be the worst alliance of all-time.” Dom, The Regulators ceased to exist a week ago. Catch up.

She Who Can Not Be Endured about her second HOH win: “I am on fire!” If only she were. No one would piss on her to put her out. (And besides, she charges extra if you want to piss on her, and who doesn’t?)

“She is the brains behind our operation,” said doctoral-candidate Bookie about his “fiancee.” The really pathetic part is: he’s right. But why would he brag about being even more stupid than Voldebitch? Hang thy head in shame, Bookie.

Adam: “God, when will these veterans stop winning HOH?” When you start winning one yourself, moron. So far, all you’ve won is the Most Obnoxious Male in the House award, and Lawon thinks he was robbed on that. (Speaking of Lawon, something the houseguests seldom do, has he got a Golden Key? Because we see less of him than we do of Edsel. Edsel apparently thinks her Golden Key means three weeks off. Daniele, hardly a dynamic player, got the first Golden Key, and yet she’s still actually playing.)

Lawon had worked out that he & Queen Kalia (Is she still in the house?) Or Adam and Steve were the most likely nomination prospects, therefore: “I’m-a fight like a dog up in here.” Aside from his peculiar choice of prepositions, and his annoying use of “I’m-a” for “I’m going to,” it was an empty shout. (Stop shouting in the Diary Room, Lawon. You’re miked.)

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “Who wants to see my HOH room?” If only they’d all stayed in hiding, or just sat there and ignored her. No one wants to see it, just as no one but Bookie wants to be in a room with her. Ever. They pelted her with pillows. Guys, you have frying pans. Use those to pelt her, and heat them up to white hot first.

First up to kiss the gigantic butt of She Who Can Not Be Endured was Adam. Voldebitch ain’t buying what he’s selling. And I would be very okay with seeing him gone this week.

Next in the Analingus Parade was Lawon. “I’m ready to play,” Lawon said. Good. The game began three weeks ago. Why weren’t you ready to play then? “I would rather be napping right now than listening to someone talking in circles,” said Voldebitch, and stop the presses, I agree with her on this. In fact. I’m gonna take a nap right now.

What time is it? It’s Monday afternoon? Oh bother. Well, onward.

She Who Can Not Be Endured on her forthcoming nomination choices: “Nobody in the house is safe.” What about Bookie? What about the three people with Golden Keys? How about saying true stuff rather than spouting Big Brother cliches that are not true just now anyway?

Okay, Homophobic Asshole needs to get it into his head that snoring is not something that can be controlled by the sleeper since - Hello? - They’re asleep. And secondly, snorers only learn they are snorers when they are informed by others of this fact. They don’t know it. They’re asleep at the time. Get a friggin’ clue, H.A. Who would have told Dom, who has never slept away from his Mommy’s home, nor ever slept with someone else? (Virgin! Remember?) Does he think Dom’s Mommy would have told him? Little Dougie has a snore that can rattle China, and I don’t mean cups in the kitchen, I mean the country of China. It worked out well for him. When he was on tour in shows, the producers had to fork out for a separate room for him, as no one else could get any sleep sharing a room with him. The whole rest of the cast was stuck sharing. Heh, heh, heh.

And Dom’s snore is a Brahm’s lullaby compared with Voldebitch’s laugh.

No food nor luxury competition this week. Oh, there was a competition, but it was a Penalty Competition, as the winners were subjected to torture. She Who Can Not Be Endured shrieked in a voice that would make one long for the music of Dom’s snoring that there would be no Have-Nots this week. Well, except that she took a two-week slop pass less than a week ago, so she’s still eating slop. Also speaking it, and drooling it on her silicone bags.

Adam’s obsession with Torie Spelling, who, if she ever set eyes on him, would call Security, is pathetic. Why not be obsessed with someone who has - I don’t know - talent? Adam, when your parents told you to grow up, that meant “mature,” not “grow to 300+ pounds.” Besides, they said a celebrity was visiting, not a has-been celebrity. (Though, as it happens, they were lying. It was David Hasselhoff, the drunken ex-celeb wash-out who, every week on America's Got Talent, does his best to disprove the show’s title.)

Adam, carrying on like a fat 13 year old girl with pimples spotting Taylor Lautner: “Am I wearing something nice?...” No. You’re wearing a T-Shirt praising bacon. The interesting thing about T-shirts in praise of bacon is they only make them in the sizes XXL, XXXL, and XXXXL. There is no market for smaller versions of it. Also, Torie Spelling hasn’t eaten bacon in her life, and probably has no idea what bacon is. Just seeing the word makes her gain weight.

Adam continues: “...Is she gonna think I’m cute?” No. And shut up, Adam.

Why is no one asking: is it Hugh Jackman? Is it Barry Humphries? Is it Sir Christopher Lee? Is it Eliane Stritch? Is it Harrison Ford? (He’s got a movie to plug.) Is it Amy Winehouse? (They don’t know. BTW, her autopsy today released her Cause of Death. It was “Being Amy Winehouse.”) Is it Maggie Smith? Is it someone I would cross the room to see? Perhaps because even these losers realize that no A-List celebrity, nor B-List Celebrity, nor D-List celebrity, is desperate enough to come on Big Brother to plug some fresh career embarrassment. This is a gig for a Z-List celebrity plugging a scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel-new-film-or-TV-show, and that is exactly what they got.

Bookie: “If it’s Torie Spelling, who’s going to restrain him?” The courts ... AGAIN! But if it is Torie Spelling, who will restrain the monkeys that will fly out of all of their butts?

They applauded for the bald nobody who stepped out. Talk about Pavlovian responses. They had no idea who he was. I knew who he was, as I recognized him from the endless commercials for this new show with its horrifically stupid premise. (You swap places for a week with a celebrity who has your name. Idiotic. Little Dougie has the same name as a professional Sean Connery impersonator in Scotland. Just what he needs to do, spend a week wandering around Edinburgh trying to look like Sean Connery. Good luck. Oh wait! What if Adam has to spend a week wandering around the Garden of Eden on TV naked? Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, eeeeeeeew!) So I knew it was “David Hasselhoff.”

So they were given clues to what celebrity this guy had the name of, and the “winners” were then penalized by being forced to watch the first episode of this epically terrible show, a show that belongs not on CBS, but on some really obscure cable channel, like Logo or Sleuth or The Inspiration Network or Fox News. Someplace where they will watch anything.

“David” told them that on the show he got to “live the exciting life of an international superstar.” And then after that, he had to live the life of David Hasselhoff.

The first clues were bars of soap and opera glasses. Everyone found getting “soap opera” from those clues challenging, mostly because none of them knew the term “Opera Glasses.” I guess Adam never attends any Metal Operas. But most managed to work out that “soap” might mean “soap opera,” they just couldn’t figure out what “binoculars” had to do with soap operas.

I must grudgingly give Jordumb credit. She called them “Opera Sun Glasses.” Okay, the extra word she added to an otherwise right name did lift it into the realm of silliness. Opera Sun Glasses? For watching operas outside in the sun? But no one else could come up with the word “opera.” Her mind is amazing. She figured soap was for washing (I’m glad to learn she knows that. I had my doubts.), and then that “binoculars” were for “watching.” So then she came up with the idea that you might use soap to wash in the bay (Oops. Even after winning the money last year, she still doesn’t have indoor plumbing? Ah hillbillies.), and you might watch someone washing in the bay with binoculars (Hmmm, a pervy twist to her “logic”) and came up with Baywatch. So then she asked Homophobic Asshole who the star of Baywatch was, as that was beyond her limited store of “knowledge.” He at least knew it was “David Hasselhoff” so that was her answer. This is a true idiot savant, with the emphasis on “idiot.” She read the clue entirely wrong, and got the right overall answer via an imaginary route that involved bathing outside in a bay while watched by a perv with binoculars. (An everyday occurrence for her?) Incredible. She registered her guess, and the contest was over on the first clue. They carried on anyway.

Bookie to She Who Can Not Be Endured: “We can’t guess on the first clue. That would be stupid.” True, but the stupid one stupidly did, and so stupidly won the penalty.

The second clue was a microphone that was unplugged. Dom got “singer who was a soap star,” which was warmer, but then he had “no idea”. How about Rick Springfield? I guess Mommy rigidly controls Dom’s TV viewing too, although she lets him watch Big Brother.

She Who Can Not Be Endured picked up on the subtle part of the clue; the mike was not plugged in. Hence: a bad singing soap star. Yup, nails it as Hasselhoff. But she couldn’t hold two clues in her mind at once, so just went with a bad singer, thus coming up with Michael Bolton.

Bookie then guessed Michael C. Hall. Hello? Good guess, doctoral candidate. He’s not a singer and he’s not a soap star. But he is on Dexter playing a likeable serial killer (Well, as likeable as a serial killer can be), and he was on Six Feet Under as a mortician. He’s always associated with death. Is it because deep down Bookie wants to kill She Who Can Not Be Endured or because deep down he wants to die? Either way, the guess had nothing whatever to do with any of the clues. Bookie, when Jordumb gets it right, and you’re not even close, who’s stupid now?

She Who Can Not Be Endured whispered in Edsel’s ear, enraging Bookie, which isn’t hard. We learned last summer what a rage-aholic he is. But VIP Waitresses/Whores must stick together. Edsel registered her guess: Michael Jackson. Well, he was a singer, and since he’s dead, I suppose the mike could be unplugged because he no longer needs it. And the soap bars were for washing the black out of his skin, as he so weirdly did all his life, and the opera glasses were so kids could see him while remaining far enough away that he could not touch them. It all fits, if you’re an idiot. So yes, Edsel, they are going to wheel out the corpse of Michael Jackson. Maybe you should have tried guessing someone who is alive.

Adam’s stupid guess: "Ricky Martin." And just what was the soap that Ricky was on? For that matter, what is Adam on?

Lawon: “Barbra Streisand.” World’s gayest answer. At least he realized it had to be someone alive, so he didn’t guess Judy Garland. What was that soap opera that Babs was on again? Oh, and Lawon, here’s a Reality Check for you: UNDER NO CONCEIVABLE CIRCUMSTANCES, NOT EVEN TO BRING WORLD PEACE, WOULD BARBRA STREISAND EVER APPEAR ON BIG BROTHER!!!

Next clue, a knight in armor carrying a lifeguard’s floatie thingee. Now, short of actually writing “David Hasselhoff” on the knight’s chest, could there be a more on-the-nose giveaway “clue” that it’s Hasselhoff? Homophobic Asshole’s guess: “Mike Knight.” Oh man, is he stupid. He guessed Hasselhoff’s Character in Knightrider. H.A., the “celebrity” about to enter will be a real person, not a fictional character. (I should add that my first reaction to “Mike Knight” was “Who?” I had to Google the name. You see, I have never been so utterly desperate for entertainment as to have watched even one episode of Knightrider. It’s bad enough that I watch this. Drinking myself into oblivion was always a more attractive choice than watching Knightrider.)

She Who Can Not Be Endured’s guess: “Keira Knightly.” Okay. She is a real person. I see how Boobiac got that, assuming one ignores all the clues except the suit of armor (which was not a female suit). But again, Boobster, it is inconceivable that a star of that magnitude would show up on Big Brother. Think washed-up. Think desperately clinging to fame. Think rehab. These are the sorts of “stars” who would stoop to doing this show. Eliminate any celebrity that still has a shred of self-esteem or self-respect. Oh dear. Now I have to explain what “self-respect” means to Boobiac.

Edsel: “Brian McKnight?” Edsel, you moron, you’ve already registered an hysterically wrong answer. You don’t get to register two wrong answers. (And it’s another guess that only takes the armor into account, and ignores all other clues.)

Dominic did a bit better. He went with John Stamos. (And I would love to go with John Stamos!) Okay. He was a soap star. He does sing, and has done so on Broadway. But what about the knight and the floatee thingee?

Dom also took a second guess. I’m sorry. It seemed to me that you got one guess, not dozens. He guessed Marky Mark. I missed Marky Mark’s soap opera gig, and his stint playing a knight who carries around a floatee thingee, and when he became washed-up enough to do this show. If only it had been him. I’d love to have seen the clue for him in Boogie Nights. Maybe a really huge zucchini?

Not only was Jordumb’s guess, after one clue, right; she was the only person to get it right. (Even Hasselhoff himself had guessed Charo.) They were all so stupid that when the famous version of David Hasselhoff stumbled out of the Knightrider car (I hope someone else drove it.), I expected them to think he was a clue to someone else, and still keep giving idiot guesses: “Sharon Osborne?” “David Tennent?” “Michelangelo’s David?” “The car from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?” “Calvin Hoff?” (A guy I went to high school with. Highly intelligent, too much so to watch this drivel. Teaches high school drama in Fresno. Lovely man. Good singer. And every bit as good a guess as Barbra Streisand.)

The houseguests cheered Hasselhoff, though my reaction would have been a groan and going back inside. I counted the seconds it took for someone to say “Don’t hassle the hoff,” that meaningless, idiot phrase that means nothing. It was 7 seconds before Dom said it. Though, in Dom’s defense, Mr. Hasselhoff was wearing aT-shirt that said that, so Dom was just reading aloud. Another triumph for home schooling. I guess he couldn’t find a shirt about bacon in his size.

How I wish Adam had angrily shouted: “You’re not Torie Spelling! Fuck You!” and stormed away inside. Or still better, if Adam had screamed: “TORIE, IT’S YOU!” and then raped The Hoff. His shirt says nothing about not raping him.

Hasselhoff is a man in desperate need of hassling, or as some call it, an “Intervention.” Look how deep his sickness has dragged him. It’s not bad enough he’s on this crappy new CBS show, the sort of show that calls Kathy Griffin an “International Superstar,” (We adore Kathy, but she is literally the first to tell you she’s a D-Lister) in other words, something that belongs on Bravo, not CBS, but The Hoff (Well, we used to call Calvin that sometimes) is truly scrapping through the bottom of the barrel to the dirt beneath the barrel by appearing on Big Brother.

Lawon in The Diary Room: “The Hoff was in the house.” Could you possibly manage to say something original, Lawon? Something not hackneyed and meaningless? No? I’m not surprised.

Frankly, watching the houseguests spend ten minutes kissing Hoff’s ass was not riveting entertainment.

Dom said he had a better prize, he got to tuck in Hasselhoff. He is a virgin! Dom, you need, need, need to get out of Mommy’s home permanently.

They made a big deal out of announcing who had won the competition. Since they all now knew the right answer, and Jordumb was the only person to guess the right answer, there was not much suspense.



But while a visit from Hasselhoff is a bore, and watching the new TV show (I’ve been deliberately not naming it. They haven’t paid me to plug it.) Is more of a punishment than a reward, it did pay off rich dividends, since Jordumb wanted to have a pleasant viewing experience, and that meant excluding She Who Can Not Be Endured. It’s not possible to have fun with her in the room. Sweet, Jordumb. And this blatant snub unleashed Voldebitch.

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “What is going on in your head, girl?” She doesn’t enjoy being around you. Nor does any sane human. Voldebitch was offended by not having her butt kissed. But this terrible show they are going to be subjected to will be hard enough to enjoy without the further hindrance of having Voldebitch in the room, her mouth going, her laugh grating. Boobster, if you wanted to see the show, and ruin it for everyone else there, maybe you should have tried a more intelligent, well-thought out guess than Keira Knightley.

As if having to watch this trash TV show CBS was flogging was not punishment enough, there was Sushi laid out for everyone, which they were insanely cheering for. I guess they’re all big fans of getting intestinal worms. Sushi is not food; it’s bait; something you use to attract actual food, food one cooks!

Queen Kalia, who is clearly unaware that she’s such a bore, Alison Grodner has not even bothered to include a single Diary Room comment of hers in weeks, (Lawon gets more airtime, and he’s such a complete bore, he’s become a running joke to the other players.) called it a “princess room,” as though it was laid out for her. Did she even make a guess as to the answer? Her full-of-herself Princess/queen schtick makes me sicker than Sushi does. Grow up, woman.

Hasselhoff is so lame, even Homophobic Asshole realized his “interest” in them was politely-but-unconvincingly feigned. After all, it was clear he’s never watched the show at all, so his lack of interest was obvious. But he was nice.

While CBS was busy trying to sell a wretched, idea-free new show, and poisoning the “winners” upstairs, real entertainment was happening downstairs. Bookie, sore about losing a chance to eat raw, rotting fish (He gets enough of that at bedtime each night with Boobiac) while watching a worse TV show than the one he’s on, decided to light into She Who Can Not Be Endured for giving away answers, ignoring the fact that neither one of them came up with the right answer, so their winning was never at issue (They were lucky to figure out who it was even with him standing in front of them), and further, the answer she gave away to Edsel was wrong anyway, so she wasn’t helping Edsel, but sabotaging her. Not that Edsel couldn’t have failed all on her own.

But this was bound to unleash Voldebitch, who was already pissed about being snubbed by Jordumb. They went into a bedroom to have a nice loud fight that everyone else downstairs could hear every work of without being seen to listen to them. It was the losers who were getting the entertainment. The losers won and the winners lost.

Voldebitch turned weepy instantly, and said: “I can’t do anything right.” Well darling, you can’t.

Bookie threatened to leave. She Who Can Not Be Endured replied “Good, leave,” which is always the proper response to emotional blackmail. Bookie responded “Is that what you really want?” Well it’s what I really want! But take your trash (She Who Can Not Be Endured) with you!

She Who Can Not Be Endured had actually worked out that this competition was utterly unimportant. To Bookie, no competition is unimportant. He is what scientists call “a tool.” Outside the room, Edsel, Adam, Dom, Dani, and Lawon were in the kitchen, but it was the argument they were eating with a spoon.

Dom: “They’re like third grade kids.” Now, now, Dom, you’re being very unfair - to third grade kids. These two are like pre-schoolers. It’s understandable. You spent third grade in your living room with Mommy. You’ve never known any third grade kids. They’re vastly more mature than Bookie & Boobiac.

Upstairs Hasselhoff suddenly remembered a previous engagement and scrammed, but not before he made all the women smell his liquor-breath, I mean kissed these old, close, intimate total strangers goodbye. Ah, vodka, the world’s sweetest perfume. He knew the show was about to run, and even though it was most unlikely that they would turn on him 15 minutes into it and lynch him (Though not outside the realm of possibility), staying longer would mean he would have to watch it. And he knew better.



Hasselhoff’s Diary Room evaluations about Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb based on 20 minutes of their kissing his ass were, of course, utterly value-free. Besides, he was high on Sushi.

I have to say I completely respect Jordumb’s reasons for not picking Voldebitch. Totally sensible. My Dog. Respecting Jordumb. I feel a bit dizzy. My system is not used to it.

Downstairs, Bookie was showing the maturity one expects of a man allegedly going for a Phd, by wanting to put Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb on the block for saving them from having to endure the hideous TV show the winners were being subjected to upstairs. Hey, it’s okay with me. They deserve to go up. Not for not picking Bookie & Boobiac to eat rotting fish upstairs, but for not putting them on the block last week. That ought to rebound on them. ‘Twould be justice.

Remember, Bookie was the one two weeks ago trying to remind Voldebitch to play from strategy, not emotion; now here he is, having a snit, throwing strategy out the window and playing emotionally.

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “We are our own worst enemies in this game.” In the words of WC Fields (wisest man who ever lived): “Not while I’m alive.” She added: “We’re a self-destructive couple.” Well get on with your self-destructing then. I want to see it.

Upstairs, the winners are watching some fat farm woman learn the hard way reasons for the famous imprecation: “Friends don’t let friends ride power lawn mowers drunk.”

Downstairs, Bookie is getting all weepy, crying like a little girl. The biggest question about these two as a future husband and wife is: will their marriage end in divorce, or in murder-suicide? I root for the latter.

Dom decided to strike while the iron is soggy, and came in to kiss their butts. He had a solid logic for being aligned with them: they would always be a bigger target than him, the same reason Boston Rob kept Big Chief Numbnuts around all through last season’s SURVIVOR. And that was a winning strategy that made Rob a millionaire, and made Chief Numbnuts the laughing stock of Reality TV.

“Your word better be good,” said Voldebitch to Dom, though the least-trustworthy person in that room is her, as her nominations shortly proved.

Sadly Bookie & Boobiac did not break up, and Bookie didn’t walk out. Drat!

Dani put pressure on Bookie & Boobiac to nominate Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb. It would be a smart move, which is part of why they didn’t do it, but the main reason they didn’t is the same reason Jordumb didn’t nominate them last week. Cowardice.

Adam & Dom were nominated. Each is certain he has a deal with The Horror Couple and is safe. It’s week one all over again. If they’re still up on Thursday, I do hope it’s Adam who leaves. Hopefully no one will be so stupid as to try to throw the POV competition, because those crazy snakes can not be trusted.

But I can be trusted to be back later in the week, to hurl verbal stones at the players some more as we see how it plays out. Now, can I watch tWitch (That’s how he spells it, with the small t and the capital W) dance now please?

Cheers darlings.