Game of Emmies

As always, I tuned in to The Emmy Awards, to see if I was in the "In Memoriam" montage. I was relieved to see I wasn't. Nor, for that matter, was Harry Dean Stanton. I know he was in Twin Peaks: The Return, but it wasn't his fault that it was more incoherent than I am on New Years Eve. They shouldn't take it out on a newly dead beloved film legend. (One episode I saw seemed a lot better, more cogent and entertaining than the other episodes, until Little Dougie pointed out that I was watching my aquarium.)

Anyway, I tossed off a few verbal reactions, and Little Dougie jotted them down. It's nice he has time for me given how taken up he is with plugging his two new books, My Gruesome Life and We Belong Dead: A Gay Perspective on the Classic Movie Monsters. Neither of these books are about me, so what's the point of them? (Well, I do pop up here and there in My Gruesome Life, it being the entirely true autobiography of my dear friend, horror icon Guy Thanatos. And they are both quite funny - intentionally.) Anyway, here my Emmy observations are.

Colbert's Emmy monologue was great. He killed it, with a little help from Sean Spicer, pretending to have a sense of humor about himself. I don't imagine our fuhrer enjoyed it much, which made it even better.

So when the award is for acting, SNL is a "Comedy Series," but when the award is for the show itself, SNL is a "Variety Sketch Series." Make up your minds, Emmies.

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl and you should know it,
With each glance and every little movement you show it,
Love is all around, no need to fake it,
You can never tell, why don't you take it?
But you are not winning an Emmy this year.

Mamacita lost? Oh dear. Mommy Dearest is going to be so peeved, and she can be STRICT! Trust me. I know. Frankly, while I found Feud: Bette & Joan the most entertaining show I watched on TV all year (It was the only series about something important: female movie stars!), I was not surprised that Feud didn't win anything. It was about those two Tallulah-wanna-bes, Bette and Joan. Now, if it had been about me and that bitch Delores Delgado, they'd probably have swept the Emmies, even winning categories they were not nominated in.

What's wrong with this picture? I'm not in it.

SNL is winning so much, it's like it's 1976 all over again. Why is Gerald Ford orange? But oops. Lorne Michaels forgot to thank our Fuhrer, without whom, they would not have swept all those awards.

I feel a youthful 79 again.

OK, who hired the offstage announcer with the unpleasant nasal voice who keeps screaming and shouting? Because the announcer and whoever hired him should both be fired.

Jeremy Piven: "Now the next category contains the word 'Supporting Performances..."

Ah, Jeremy and whoever wrote your banter, that's two words. It's what you call a "term."

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly...
Oh wait. I already did this joke.

Ann Dowd, when they announce you're the winner, you go up on the stage - preferably with alacrity as it's a long show. Did no one explain that to you? And stop looking like your cat just died. You won an Emmy. That's a nice thing.

Lena Waithe: "I gotta thank God." No you don't. Try limiting your thanks to entities that actually exist.

I see they replaced the words "Actor" and "Actress" with "Performer" in the "In Memoriam" montage. I wonder if they did so just so they didn't have to put the word "Actress" under the name "Zsa Zsa Gabor."

June Foray, Chuck Barris, Chris Bearde, Robert Osbourne, Jay Thomas. All folks Little Dougie knew, some he worked with, some he just shared jokes with. The In Memoriam montage was very personal to Dougie this year. As long as I'm not in it, I'm OK with it.

Damn. I was so rooting for Benedict Cumberbatch.

No shit, Sherlock, and no Emmy either.

OK, it's official, NO ONE at the Emmies knows how to pronounce "Junipero." It's pronounced "You-na-pair-oh," not "Jew-no-pair-oh." I can't believe that "The Lying Detective" lost to a movie no one associated with even knows how to pronounce properly.

Well, the Emmy show director certainly showed Sterling K. Brown who's in charge, didn't he? White guy, I'm guessing?

Sterling, darling, maybe if you gave your speech nude. No one would cut away from you then.

So Elisabeth Moss said that Warren Littlefield was "The coolest person I know. You're an artist."

Lis, there are about 200 people right in front of you who are cooler than Warren Littlefield. Go talk to some of them and learn what being cool really is. And he is NOT an "Artist." He's a business major.

I'd prattle on more, but The Desert Song is on. If you've nothing better to do, you might want to buy and read Little Dougie's new books. You can order them by clicking on the pictures of their covers. I needle Dougie, but the books are actually pretty good.

Cheers, darlings.

Now you can see why I call him "Little Dougie." Even an Emmy award towers over him.