Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Sunday, Booby Sunday

I am so sick of Voldebitch and these houseguests (and we’re only at week 3) that I felt like: to Hell with posting pictures of them, so the one above is all you get. It happens that Pasha, tWitch, and Brandon are back on So You Think You Can Dance now, as “all-star” dancing partners for the much-lamer contestants, so they can’t be eliminated. So I’m posting pictures of them instead, because they are nice, talented, and very, very hot, unlike out star houseguests. Here’s Pasha dancing alone on the stage.

Unfortunately, I’ll still be talking about She Who Can Not Be Endured, and her Reign of Error in the Big Brother House. She’s so horrible, even Homophobic Asshole can no longer stand her.

Jordumb: “I would-a loved to put up Brendan and Rachel but I couldn’t...” Yes, you could have and then we’d be
rid of Voldebitch! “... ‘cause it’s too early in the game to make everybody mad.”

It would not have made “everybody” mad. It would have made Bookie and Boobiac mad. Everyone else would have been happily, joyously, voting She Who Can Not Be Endured out the door on her silicone ass. And besides,
Everything makes She Who Can Not Be Endured mad, so why not do it in a good cause, like disposing of She Who Can Not Be Endured once and for all? Instead, you’ve made me mad. Plus, if you wait too long, like they did last year, you’re stuck with Voldebitch in the Jury House.

Seeing Voldebitch triumphant and smug is worse than seeing heaps of butchered babies. It is worse than a double-feature of
Skidoo and Sextette. “Cassi, you want to accuse me of being catty, of being bitchy?” asked Voldebitch cattily and bitchily. One does not accuse She Who Can Not Be Endured of being catty and bitchy; one merely notices it. One does not “accuse” the sun of setting.

Dominic: “The Regulators could be the worst alliance of all-time.” Dom, The Regulators ceased to exist a week ago. Catch up.

She Who Can Not Be Endured about her second HOH win: “I am on
fire!” If only she were. No one would piss on her to put her out. (And besides, she charges extra if you want to piss on her, and who doesn’t?)

“She is the brains behind our operation,” said doctoral-candidate Bookie about his “fiancee.” The really pathetic part is: he’s right. But
why would he brag about being even more stupid than Voldebitch? Hang thy head in shame, Bookie.

Adam: “God, when will these veterans stop winning HOH?” When
you start winning one yourself, moron. So far, all you’ve won is the Most Obnoxious Male in the House award, and Lawon thinks he was robbed on that. (Speaking of Lawon, something the houseguests seldom do, has he got a Golden Key? Because we see less of him than we do of Edsel. Edsel apparently thinks her Golden Key means three weeks off. Daniele, hardly a dynamic player, got the first Golden Key, and yet she’s still actually playing.)

Lawon had worked out that he & Queen Kalia (Is she still in the house?) Or Adam and Steve were the most likely nomination prospects, therefore: “I’m-a fight like a dog up in here.” Aside from his peculiar choice of prepositions, and his annoying use of “I’m-a” for “I’m going to,” it was an empty shout. (Stop shouting in the Diary Room, Lawon. You’re miked.)

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “Who wants to see my HOH room?” If only they’d all stayed in hiding, or just sat there and ignored her. No one wants to see it, just as no one but Bookie wants to be in a room with her. Ever. They pelted her with pillows. Guys, you have frying pans. Use those to pelt her, and heat them up to white hot first.

First up to kiss the gigantic butt of She Who Can Not Be Endured was Adam. Voldebitch ain’t buying what he’s selling. And I would be very okay with seeing him gone this week.

Next in the Analingus Parade was Lawon. “I’m ready to play,” Lawon said. Good. The game began three weeks ago. Why weren’t you ready to play then? “I would rather be napping right now than listening to someone talking in circles,” said Voldebitch, and stop the presses, I agree with her on this. In fact. I’m gonna take a nap right now.

What time is it? It’s Monday afternoon? Oh bother. Well, onward.

She Who Can Not Be Endured on her forthcoming nomination choices: “Nobody in the house is safe.” What about Bookie? What about the three people with Golden Keys? How about saying true stuff rather than spouting
Big Brother cliches that are not true just now anyway?

Okay, Homophobic Asshole needs to get it into his head that snoring is not something that can be controlled by the sleeper since - Hello? - They’re asleep. And secondly, snorers only learn they are snorers when they are informed by others of this fact. They don’t know it. They’re asleep at the time. Get a friggin’ clue, H.A. Who would have told Dom, who has never slept away from his Mommy’s home, nor ever slept with someone else? (Virgin! Remember?) Does he think Dom’s Mommy would have told him? Little Dougie has a snore that can rattle China, and I don’t mean cups in the kitchen, I mean the country of China. It worked out well for him. When he was on tour in shows, the producers had to fork out for a separate room for him, as no one else could get any sleep sharing a room with him. The whole rest of the cast was stuck sharing. Heh, heh, heh.

And Dom’s snore is a Brahm’s lullaby compared with Voldebitch’s laugh.

No food nor luxury competition this week. Oh, there was a competition, but it was a Penalty Competition, as the winners were subjected to torture. She Who Can Not Be Endured shrieked in a voice that would make one long for the music of Dom’s snoring that there would be no Have-Nots this week. Well, except that she took a two-week slop pass less than a week ago, so she’s still eating slop. Also speaking it, and drooling it on her silicone bags.

Adam’s obsession with Torie Spelling, who, if she ever set eyes on him, would call Security, is pathetic. Why not be obsessed with someone who has - I don’t know - talent? Adam, when your parents told you to grow up, that meant “mature,” not “grow to 300+ pounds.” Besides, they said a celebrity was visiting, not a has-been celebrity. (Though, as it happens, they were lying. It was David Hasselhoff, the drunken ex-celeb wash-out who, every week on
America's Got Talent, does his best to disprove the show’s title.)

Adam, carrying on like a fat 13 year old girl with pimples spotting Taylor Lautner: “Am I wearing something nice?...” No. You’re wearing a T-Shirt praising bacon. The interesting thing about T-shirts in praise of bacon is they only make them in the sizes XXL, XXXL, and XXXXL. There is no market for smaller versions of it. Also, Torie Spelling hasn’t eaten bacon in her life, and probably has no idea what bacon is. Just seeing the word makes her gain weight.

Adam continues: “...Is she gonna think I’m cute?” No. And shut up, Adam.

Why is no one asking: is it Hugh Jackman? Is it Barry Humphries? Is it Sir Christopher Lee? Is it Eliane Stritch? Is it Harrison Ford? (He’s got a movie to plug.) Is it Amy Winehouse? (They don’t know. BTW, her autopsy today released her Cause of Death. It was “Being Amy Winehouse.”) Is it Maggie Smith? Is it someone I would cross the room to see? Perhaps because even these losers realize that no A-List celebrity, nor B-List Celebrity, nor D-List celebrity, is desperate enough to come on
Big Brother to plug some fresh career embarrassment. This is a gig for a Z-List celebrity plugging a scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel-new-film-or-TV-show, and that is exactly what they got.

Bookie: “If it’s Torie Spelling, who’s going to restrain him?” The courts ...
AGAIN! But if it is Torie Spelling, who will restrain the monkeys that will fly out of all of their butts?

They applauded for the bald nobody who stepped out. Talk about Pavlovian responses. They had no idea who he was. I knew who he was, as I recognized him from the endless commercials for this new show with its horrifically stupid premise. (You swap places for a week with a celebrity who has your name. Idiotic. Little Dougie has the same name as a professional Sean Connery impersonator in Scotland. Just what he needs to do, spend a week wandering around Edinburgh trying to look like Sean Connery. Good luck. Oh wait! What if Adam has to spend a week wandering around the Garden of Eden on TV naked? Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, eeeeeeeew!) So I knew it was “David Hasselhoff.”

So they were given clues to what celebrity this guy had the name of, and the “winners” were then penalized by being forced to watch the first episode of this epically terrible show, a show that belongs not on CBS, but on some really obscure cable channel, like
Logo or Sleuth or The Inspiration Network or Fox News. Someplace where they will watch anything.

“David” told them that on the show he got to “live the exciting life of an international superstar.” And then after that, he had to live the life of David Hasselhoff.

The first clues were bars of soap and opera glasses. Everyone found getting “soap opera” from those clues challenging, mostly because none of them knew the term “Opera Glasses.” I guess Adam never attends any Metal Operas. But most managed to work out that “soap” might mean “soap opera,” they just couldn’t figure out what “binoculars” had to do with soap operas.

I must grudgingly give Jordumb credit. She called them “Opera Sun Glasses.” Okay, the extra word she added to an otherwise right name did lift it into the realm of silliness. Opera
Sun Glasses? For watching operas outside in the sun? But no one else could come up with the word “opera.” Her mind is amazing. She figured soap was for washing (I’m glad to learn she knows that. I had my doubts.), and then that “binoculars” were for “watching.” So then she came up with the idea that you might use soap to wash in the bay (Oops. Even after winning the money last year, she still doesn’t have indoor plumbing? Ah hillbillies.), and you might watch someone washing in the bay with binoculars (Hmmm, a pervy twist to her “logic”) and came up with Baywatch. So then she asked Homophobic Asshole who the star of Baywatch was, as that was beyond her limited store of “knowledge.” He at least knew it was “David Hasselhoff” so that was her answer. This is a true idiot savant, with the emphasis on “idiot.” She read the clue entirely wrong, and got the right overall answer via an imaginary route that involved bathing outside in a bay while watched by a perv with binoculars. (An everyday occurrence for her?) Incredible. She registered her guess, and the contest was over on the first clue. They carried on anyway.

Bookie to She Who Can Not Be Endured: “We can’t guess on the first clue. That would be stupid.” True, but the stupid one stupidly did, and so stupidly won the penalty.

The second clue was a microphone that was unplugged. Dom got “singer who was a soap star,” which was warmer, but then he had “no idea”. How about Rick Springfield? I guess Mommy rigidly controls Dom’s TV viewing too, although she lets him watch
Big Brother.

She Who Can Not Be Endured picked up on the subtle part of the clue; the mike was not plugged in. Hence: a
bad singing soap star. Yup, nails it as Hasselhoff. But she couldn’t hold two clues in her mind at once, so just went with a bad singer, thus coming up with Michael Bolton.

Bookie then guessed Michael C. Hall. Hello? Good guess, doctoral candidate. He’s not a singer and he’s not a soap star. But he is on
Dexter playing a likeable serial killer (Well, as likeable as a serial killer can be), and he was on Six Feet Under as a mortician. He’s always associated with death. Is it because deep down Bookie wants to kill She Who Can Not Be Endured or because deep down he wants to die? Either way, the guess had nothing whatever to do with any of the clues. Bookie, when Jordumb gets it right, and you’re not even close, who’s stupid now?

She Who Can Not Be Endured whispered in Edsel’s ear, enraging Bookie, which isn’t hard. We learned last summer what a rage-aholic he is. But VIP Waitresses/Whores must stick together. Edsel registered her guess: Michael Jackson. Well, he was a singer, and since he’s dead, I suppose the mike could be unplugged because he no longer needs it. And the soap bars were for washing the black out of his skin, as he so weirdly did all his life, and the opera glasses were so kids could see him while remaining far enough away that he could not touch them. It all fits, if you’re an idiot. So yes, Edsel, they are going to wheel out the corpse of Michael Jackson. Maybe you should have tried guessing someone who is alive.

Adam’s stupid guess: "Ricky Martin." And just what was the soap that Ricky was on? For that matter, what is Adam on?

Lawon: “Barbra Streisand.” World’s gayest answer. At least he realized it had to be someone alive, so he didn’t guess Judy Garland. What was that soap opera that Babs was on again? Oh, and Lawon, here’s a Reality Check for you:

Next clue, a knight in armor carrying a lifeguard’s floatie thingee. Now, short of actually writing “David Hasselhoff” on the knight’s chest, could there be a more on-the-nose giveaway “clue” that it’s Hasselhoff? Homophobic Asshole’s guess: “Mike Knight.” Oh man, is he stupid. He guessed Hasselhoff’s
Character in Knightrider. H.A., the “celebrity” about to enter will be a real person, not a fictional character. (I should add that my first reaction to “Mike Knight” was “Who?” I had to Google the name. You see, I have never been so utterly desperate for entertainment as to have watched even one episode of Knightrider. It’s bad enough that I watch this. Drinking myself into oblivion was always a more attractive choice than watching Knightrider.)

She Who Can Not Be Endured’s guess: “Keira Knightly.” Okay. She is a real person. I see how Boobiac got that, assuming one ignores
all the clues except the suit of armor (which was not a female suit). But again, Boobster, it is inconceivable that a star of that magnitude would show up on Big Brother. Think washed-up. Think desperately clinging to fame. Think rehab. These are the sorts of “stars” who would stoop to doing this show. Eliminate any celebrity that still has a shred of self-esteem or self-respect. Oh dear. Now I have to explain what “self-respect” means to Boobiac.

Edsel: “Brian McKnight?” Edsel, you moron, you’ve already registered an hysterically wrong answer. You don’t get to register two wrong answers. (And it’s another guess that only takes the armor into account, and ignores all other clues.)

Dominic did a bit better. He went with John Stamos. (And I would
love to go with John Stamos!) Okay. He was a soap star. He does sing, and has done so on Broadway. But what about the knight and the floatee thingee?

Dom also took a second guess. I’m sorry. It seemed to me that you got
one guess, not dozens. He guessed Marky Mark. I missed Marky Mark’s soap opera gig, and his stint playing a knight who carries around a floatee thingee, and when he became washed-up enough to do this show. If only it had been him. I’d love to have seen the clue for him in Boogie Nights. Maybe a really huge zucchini?

Not only was Jordumb’s guess, after one clue, right; she was the
only person to get it right. (Even Hasselhoff himself had guessed Charo.) They were all so stupid that when the famous version of David Hasselhoff stumbled out of the Knightrider car (I hope someone else drove it.), I expected them to think he was a clue to someone else, and still keep giving idiot guesses: “Sharon Osborne?” “David Tennent?” “Michelangelo’s David?” “The car from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?” “Calvin Hoff?” (A guy I went to high school with. Highly intelligent, too much so to watch this drivel. Teaches high school drama in Fresno. Lovely man. Good singer. And every bit as good a guess as Barbra Streisand.)

The houseguests cheered Hasselhoff, though my reaction would have been a groan and going back inside. I counted the seconds it took for someone to say “Don’t hassle the hoff,” that meaningless, idiot phrase that means nothing. It was 7 seconds before Dom said it. Though, in Dom’s defense, Mr. Hasselhoff was wearing aT-shirt that said that, so Dom was just reading aloud. Another triumph for home schooling. I guess he couldn’t find a shirt about bacon in his size.

How I wish Adam had angrily shouted: “You’re not Torie Spelling! Fuck You!” and stormed away inside. Or still better, if Adam had screamed: “
TORIE, IT’S YOU!” and then raped The Hoff. His shirt says nothing about not raping him.

Hasselhoff is a man in desperate need of hassling, or as some call it, an “Intervention.” Look how deep his sickness has dragged him. It’s not bad enough he’s on this crappy new CBS show, the sort of show that calls Kathy Griffin an “International Superstar,” (We adore Kathy, but she is literally the first to tell you she’s a D-Lister) in other words, something that belongs on Bravo, not CBS, but The Hoff (Well, we used to call Calvin that sometimes) is truly scrapping
through the bottom of the barrel to the dirt beneath the barrel by appearing on Big Brother.

Lawon in The Diary Room: “The Hoff was in the house.” Could you possibly manage to say something original, Lawon? Something not hackneyed and meaningless? No? I’m not surprised.

Frankly, watching the houseguests spend ten minutes kissing Hoff’s ass was not riveting entertainment.

Dom said he had a better prize, he got to tuck in Hasselhoff. He
is a virgin! Dom, you need, need, need to get out of Mommy’s home permanently.

They made a big deal out of announcing who had won the competition. Since they all now knew the right answer, and Jordumb was the only person to guess the right answer, there was not much suspense.

But while a visit from Hasselhoff is a bore, and watching the new TV show (I’ve been deliberately not naming it. They haven’t paid me to plug it.) Is more of a punishment than a reward, it did pay off rich dividends, since Jordumb wanted to have a pleasant viewing experience, and that meant excluding She Who Can Not Be Endured. It’s not possible to have fun with her in the room. Sweet, Jordumb. And this blatant snub unleashed Voldebitch.

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “What is going on in your head, girl?” She doesn’t enjoy being around you. Nor does any sane human. Voldebitch was offended by not having her butt kissed. But this terrible show they are going to be subjected to will be hard enough to enjoy without the further hindrance of having Voldebitch in the room, her mouth going, her laugh grating. Boobster, if you wanted to see the show, and ruin it for everyone else there, maybe you should have tried a more intelligent, well-thought out guess than Keira Knightley.

As if having to watch this trash TV show CBS was flogging was not punishment enough, there was Sushi laid out for everyone, which they were insanely cheering for. I guess they’re all big fans of getting intestinal worms. Sushi is not food; it’s bait; something you use to attract actual food, food one

Queen Kalia, who is clearly unaware that she’s such a bore, Alison Grodner has not even bothered to include a single Diary Room comment of hers in weeks, (Lawon gets more airtime, and he’s such a complete bore, he’s become a running joke to the other players.) called it a “princess room,” as though it was laid out for her. Did she even make a guess as to the answer? Her full-of-herself Princess/queen schtick makes me sicker than Sushi does. Grow up, woman.

Hasselhoff is so lame, even Homophobic Asshole realized his “interest” in them was politely-but-unconvincingly feigned. After all, it was clear he’s never watched the show at all, so his lack of interest was obvious. But he was nice.

While CBS was busy trying to sell a wretched, idea-free new show, and poisoning the “winners” upstairs, real entertainment was happening downstairs. Bookie, sore about losing a chance to eat raw, rotting fish (He gets enough of that at bedtime each night with Boobiac) while watching a worse TV show than the one he’s on, decided to light into She Who Can Not Be Endured for giving away answers, ignoring the fact that neither one of them came up with the right answer, so their winning was never at issue (They were lucky to figure out who it was even with him standing in front of them), and further, the answer she gave away to Edsel was wrong anyway, so she wasn’t helping Edsel, but sabotaging her. Not that Edsel couldn’t have failed all on her own.

But this was bound to unleash Voldebitch, who was already pissed about being snubbed by Jordumb. They went into a bedroom to have a nice loud fight that everyone else downstairs could hear every work of without being seen to listen to them. It was the losers who were getting the entertainment. The losers won and the winners lost.

Voldebitch turned weepy instantly, and said: “I can’t do anything right.” Well darling, you can’t.

Bookie threatened to leave. She Who Can Not Be Endured replied “Good, leave,” which is always the proper response to emotional blackmail. Bookie responded “Is that what you really want?” Well it’s what
I really want! But take your trash (She Who Can Not Be Endured) with you!

She Who Can Not Be Endured had actually worked out that this competition was utterly unimportant. To Bookie, no competition is unimportant. He is what scientists call “a tool.” Outside the room, Edsel, Adam, Dom, Dani, and Lawon were in the kitchen, but it was the argument they were eating with a spoon.

Dom: “They’re like third grade kids.” Now, now, Dom, you’re being very unfair - to third grade kids. These two are like pre-schoolers. It’s understandable. You spent third grade in your living room with Mommy. You’ve never known any third grade kids. They’re vastly more mature than Bookie & Boobiac.

Upstairs Hasselhoff suddenly remembered a previous engagement and scrammed, but not before he made all the women smell his liquor-breath, I mean kissed these old, close, intimate total strangers goodbye. Ah, vodka, the world’s sweetest perfume. He knew the show was about to run, and even though it was most unlikely that they would turn on him 15 minutes into it and lynch him (Though not outside the realm of possibility), staying longer would mean
he would have to watch it. And he knew better.

Hasselhoff’s Diary Room evaluations about Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb based on 20 minutes of their kissing his ass were, of course, utterly value-free. Besides, he was high on Sushi.

I have to say I completely respect Jordumb’s reasons for not picking Voldebitch. Totally sensible. My Dog. Respecting Jordumb. I feel a bit dizzy. My system is not used to it.

Downstairs, Bookie was showing the maturity one expects of a man allegedly going for a Phd, by wanting to put Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb on the block for saving them from having to endure the hideous TV show the winners were being subjected to upstairs. Hey, it’s okay with me. They deserve to go up. Not for not picking Bookie & Boobiac to eat rotting fish upstairs, but for not putting them on the block last week. That ought to rebound on them. ‘Twould be justice.

Remember, Bookie was the one two weeks ago trying to remind Voldebitch to play from strategy, not emotion; now here he is, having a snit, throwing strategy out the window and playing emotionally.

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “We are our own worst enemies in this game.” In the words of WC Fields (wisest man who ever lived): “Not while I’m alive.” She added: “We’re a self-destructive couple.” Well get on with your self-destructing then. I want to see it.

Upstairs, the winners are watching some fat farm woman learn the hard way reasons for the famous imprecation: “Friends don’t let friends ride power lawn mowers drunk.”

Downstairs, Bookie is getting all weepy, crying like a little girl. The biggest question about these two as a future husband and wife is: will their marriage end in divorce, or in murder-suicide? I root for the latter.

Dom decided to strike while the iron is soggy, and came in to kiss their butts. He had a solid logic for being aligned with them: they would always be a bigger target than him, the same reason Boston Rob kept Big Chief Numbnuts around all through last season’s SURVIVOR. And that was a winning strategy that made Rob a millionaire, and made Chief Numbnuts the laughing stock of Reality TV.

“Your word better be good,” said Voldebitch to Dom, though the least-trustworthy person in that room is her, as her nominations shortly proved.

Sadly Bookie & Boobiac did not break up, and Bookie didn’t walk out. Drat!

Dani put pressure on Bookie & Boobiac to nominate Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb. It would be a smart move, which is part of why they didn’t do it, but the main reason they didn’t is the same reason Jordumb didn’t nominate them last week. Cowardice.

Adam & Dom were nominated. Each is certain he has a deal with The Horror Couple and is safe. It’s week one all over again. If they’re still up on Thursday, I do hope it’s Adam who leaves. Hopefully no one will be so stupid as to try to throw the POV competition, because those crazy snakes can not be trusted.

But I can be trusted to be back later in the week, to hurl verbal stones at the players some more as we see how it plays out. Now, can I watch tWitch (That’s how he spells it, with the small t and the capital W) dance now please?

Cheers darlings.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Classi Potter and the Horrific Bitch.

Imagine, for a moment that when you saw or read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, that Harry was killed and Voldemort won, the series ending with the Death Eaters triumphantly killing muggles left and right. How would you have liked that? That is how I felt at the end of this Thursday’s horrific episode of Big Brother. Evil has won.

“Cassi is a snake and a liar, so she’s gotta go,” said Boobiac, aka She Who Can Not Be Endured, in her native language, Parseltongue. (Snake language for you non-Harry Potter fans out there, both of you.) Cassi has been scrupulously honest her entire time in the
Big Brother House, which does confuse the others, who assume everyone is lying at all times unless they are Leatherface, who is lying, and a backstabbing traitor.

I really, really hate She Who Can Not Be Endured. I thought I loathed her all last summer, but this summer Voldebitch is even worse. I no longer just want to see her lose. I want to see a steam roller flatten her and her giant bags of silicone into an ugly carpet. She is a vile excuse for a woman. She Who Can Not Be Endured gives whores a bad name.

Why does Voldebitch hate Cassi so much? Well Cassi mentioned that she didn’t really care much for Edsel, She Who Can Not Be Endured’s fellow “VIP Waitress”/Whore. This was an honest and moderate statement. Since Voldebitch had befriended Edsel, probably sharing stories about the most-revolting substances they’ve ever woken up to find they were covered in while clutching a handful of crumpled singles, this meant Cassi is a snake. It’s amazing how deeply two women can bond over shared memories of giving Dirty Sanchezes to Japanese businessmen. The other reason was so obvious, even the Chenbot picked up on it. Cassi is gorgeous. She Who Can Not Be Endured is repulsive. Even the Wicked Queen in Snow White finds She Who Can Not Be Endured a little over-the-top.

I think there’s a third reason which was not mentioned on the air. Cassi is good and nice. Voldebitch is evil and nasty. It is in the nature of Evil to wish to destroy Nice.

And as if the disasters inside the house were not bad enough, whom should I collide with I the audience? Zingbot. We had had a brief affair last summer, until he left me for my toaster, saying it was hotter than me. Our reunion was bitter.

Jordumb had snapped this week to how awful She Who Can Not Be Endured is and had a perfect opportunity to rid me of this hideous fake-redhead, but she chickened out. Okay Jordumb, thou shalt not be forgiven, especially given the disaster with which the episode ended.

Cassi would not fight to stay in because she thinks Leatherface is her friend. Leatherface wept crocodile tears to us about how guilty she felt, and how Cassi was her “best friend.”

A. She’s only known Cassi for 20 days. Yet I can believe her. Backstabbing liars seldom have much in the way of friends.

B. If Cassi is her Best Friend, I’d hate to see how she shafts her enemies.

Her guilt and remorse mean
nothing unless she confesses to Cassi that it was she who betrayed their alliance. Cassi thinks she has a partner, a partner who has allied herself secretly with Cassi’s blood enemy and has lied to her endlessly. Leatherface thinks they are close friends, except for her itty-btty secret. Leatherface and She Who Can Not Be Endured deserve each other.

Leatherface immediately played the Mom Sympathy Card by boo-hooing to everyone how “sad” her daughter will be about Mom being on the block, for the sole, cynical purpose of guilting everyone into voting for Cassi. I think her daughter will indeed be sad, sad about the tauntings she gets at school over her mother being a liar and a backstabber. “Mommy, when you say ‘I love you’ to me, are you lying to me too? Are you gonna backstab me too, Mommy?”

“No dear.”


She Who Can Not Be Endured: “In the end, I always get my way.” So losing last year’s show, and becoming one of the most-hated
Big Brother Houseguests of all time was what she intended? How odd.

However, it must be said that Cassi just giving up and refusing to fight or campaign to stay in was pretty lame. She decided to take it lying down. Taking it lying down his how Boobiac works. Also kneeling in the bushes, and cramped in the back seats of cars.

“Please don’t be sad,” said Cassi to Leatherface as she cried insincere tears over how her lies are tossing out Cassi. Oh boo-hoo, woman. Your fake tears make me sick.

Cassi: “I could never, ever say a bad thing about Shelley.” Oh yeah? I wonder if she still feels that way now, after watching the first two weeks of broadcasts and seeing how she was lied to by Leatherface. My guess is she can say some really bad things about the dried out old recreational huntress now. (Does Leatherface go “wah-wah, boo-hoo” over the corpses of innocent, beautiful deer she’s slaughtered for the sheer "fun" of killing, having to wipe away the tears before reloading to kill Bambi’s mother as well?)

Leatherface: “Well Louise, we had a good run.” No you didn’t. You ran two weeks. A good run is three months. You wanna be Thelma & Louise, then leave with her. Drive off that cliff together.

Leatherface is beating herself up (with feathers), because she says she teaches her daughter lying is bad. Well now you’ve taught her a new lesson: Lying is okay if you can get a lot of money by lying. She’s turning her daughter into a future Bernie Medoff. Oh boo-hoo. What Mom
says is “Don’t lie.” What Mom does is lie on TV to win money.” Guess what, Leatherface, kids pay no attention to what you say. They watch what you do.

Leatherface: “I feel like I need to be sent to a room to write sentences right now.” So do I. And I want you to use this special quill I took off of the corpse of Delores Umbridge. The sentence is: “I am a hypocritical, lying, backstabbing bitch. Oh boo-hoo.” Write that 100 times.

It was funny to hear Danielle, of all people, comforting Leatherface by telling her she was not setting a bad example for her kid. Danielle’s father is Evel Dick. We’ve seen the example he sets.

Although it was a pointless thing to do, I enjoyed seeing Cassi sit down and try to have a reasonable conversation with Voldebitch. One can not reason with the insane. But I love how Cassi doesn’t back down when She Who Can Not Be Endured goes off on her. That she hits her target’s bull’s-eye and clearly hurts Voldebitch, delighted me. I think she destroyed one of Voldebitch’s Whorecruxes. (What She Who Can Not Be Endured needs with whorecruxes I do not know. They are for storing parts of your soul. Boobiac has no soul. She sold her soul years ago to pay for her implants.)

Cassi to She Who Can Not Be Endured: “You’re a catty, catty girl. Ugly person inside.” Yes, she is an ugly person inside. And the fact is, her exterior is fairly revolting also.

There is a great Irish stage play titled
Philadelphia, Here I Come. The main character, a 25 year-old man, is played by two actors. One plays the outer man all can see, called “Gareth-in-Public,” and the other plays the inner man no sees or hears, who is everything Gareth feels and thinks, “Gareth-in-Private.” (Little Dougie, when he was in his 20s, played “Gareth O’Donnell-in-Private” in two different productions. He claims to have been very good in the role. So did the critics and the audiences, but they all must have been deluded.) Well Cassi has snapped to Voldebitch-in-Private, and she is right on the nose. I see She Who Can Not Be Endured-in-Private being played by the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz, only not as nice or as pretty.

She Who Can Not Be Endured: “Cassi is like the meanest fighter in the world. She used every single one of my weaknesses against me.” Oh boo-hoo.

A. She did not. She left out a number of them. She said nothing about how ridiculous your hair looks dyed a color not found in nature. She’s a model, yet she didn’t mention your hideous complexion. She said nothing about how you think you’re intelligent and well-educated when you’re rather ignorant. She never mentioned how petty you are, or about how you have the emotional maturity of a fetus. She utterly omitted your grating laugh. She let you off easy.

B. So? Who else have we seen play like that? Someone called She Who Can Not Be Endured .

C. Good. Did it hurt? Good. You should be saying, like Gertude in
Hamlet: “Speak no more: Thou turn'st mine eyes into my very soul; And there I see such black and grained spots as will not leave their tinct... O, speak to me no more; These words, like daggers, enter in mine ears.” But She Who Can Not Be Endured lacks the class, the self-knowledge, and has no idea what “tinct” means.

Now it’s Voldebitch who has run off to wallow in unearned self-pity (Well to be fair, she has to pity herself. No one else will. Certainly not me.), by sobbing out her whiny complaints to Jordumb, in the mistaken belief that Jordumb will give a rat’s ass. Oh boo-hoo bitch. What I liked here, besides the sweet, sweet music of She Who Can Not Be Endured’s sobs, was that Jordumb gave her no comfort, and basically told her to suck it up.

“She’s so manipulative,” sobbed out the manipulative bitch in parseltongue, “It hurts so bad, because I’m not a villain."
YES YOU ARE!!!!! Amazingly, She Who Can Not Be Endured believes she is a good person. Well, The Emperor Caligula probably thought he was a good person too. Of course, Caligula made his horse a Senator, but even he was not as crazy as Boobiac.

This weepy tirade from Voldebitch was amazing: “I’m not a mean girl, not a villain. I don’t attack people’s character. I don’t talk bad about people.” Everyone of those statements is a lie. She’s a tremendously mean girl. If she’s not a villain, it’s only because she’s a villainess. (And I remain unconvinced that she’s not a drag queen.) And as for not attacking people’s character or talking bad about people, it’s only been ten minutes since we heard her say about Cassi: “Cassi is a snake and a liar.” So those were compliments?

She Who Can Not Be Endured was not done ranting about Cassi for daring to, as
Hamlet said to his Mom: “set you up a glass where you may see the inmost part of you.” “She plays the victim role,” sobbed Voldebitch, playing a victim. “Like ‘feel bad for me’,” continued She Who Can Not Be Endured, hoping to make people feel bad for her.

Cassi tried pointlessly to mend a fence with Bookie. Cassi, he’s engaged to marry She Who Can Not Be Endured. Obviously, he hasn’t got a working brain synapse in his skull.

When The Chenbot ran clips of the Have-Not competition for the assembled houseguests, we all got to watch Dominic humping Adam. Given that Dominic is a 25 year old virgin (Why?), what a hideous way to lose one’s cherry! Dom, you can do better. Maybe he was humping Adam in order to find sex so utterly revolting as to make maintaining his pointless celibacy easier. (Dominic, get laid for Christ’s sake! You’re not going to remain young and cute forever the way I have. Use it or lose it, kid.)

Pointless Exchange:

The Chenbot: “Lawon, just how hard are these competitions?”

Lawon: “They are
very hard.”

Okay. That was real information. They are not kinda hard, and they are not very, very hard. They are merely very hard. Are they as hard as listening to such content-free drivel is?

The Chenbot to Adam, re: Dom getting him off the block: “How grateful are you?” I was almost disappointed that Adam didn’t reply “
Very grateful.” Instead, he owes him his life. Yeah. Chenbot, stop asking cast members to quantify emotions. Even if it were possible, these bozos wouldn’t be able to do it. “If I had a half gallon pitcher, and you poured all your gratitude to Dom into it, how much would be in it? A pint? A cup? A quart?”

The only reason I can think of to show us Adam’s pals, fans, and pathetically desperate girlfriend is so, should we see one in person, we’ll know to flee.

Adam was over 300 pounds? So in addition to being obnoxious and repulsive, he was also morbidly obese? Ew. He took off 100 pounds to get on the show. Why? Is there a weight limit? Anyway, it’s hard to imagine him being more revolting that he is, but apparently he was. It’s almost a shame he took off the weight. He would have made his inevitable coronary arrive so much sooner at 300 pounds plus. Have some more bacon, porker. (I believe that when a person passes 300 pounds, eating bacon officially becomes cannibalism.)

So what exactly did “Fara,” his self-esteem-free girlfriend, see in him? Did she take one look and say: “There he is, the obese, obnoxious elephant I’ve been dreaming of”?

Yet Dominic’s backstory is even more pathetic. He was home schooled, a crime for which he should sue his horrific, controlling mother. (You can not develop social skills being home schooled, let alone get a real education. All you get is to be emotionally stunted, and to be brainwashed with whatever crazy notions your evil mother has in her head. People home school kids for
one reason only, to prevent them learning anything their parents don’t want them to know, and to become mental Xeroxes of their nutty parents.) He’s 25 and has never slept away from home! Good grief! Not one sleep-over? Not one slumber party? Not one vacation trip, even with Mommy? You know who was home-schooled? Norman Bates. Dom, I think if they found your mother stuffed in your fruit cellar, no jury would convict you.

Dom, now that you are away,
NEVER GO BACK! NEVER!!! And get laid, kid. Quit wasting your youth.

Cassi: “I’ve never met anyone who was home schooled.” Of course you haven’t. The whole point of home schooling is to prevent kids from meeting anyone. Other people think stuff that Mommy doesn’t think. For example: "Kids need to go to school with other kids." How would you meet a home schooled kid? The only people they ever meet are Child Protection Services agents.

Jordumb’s excuse for not nominating She Who Can Not Be Endured boiled down to cowardice.

Cassi’s classy speech (Were she staying longer, I’d start calling her “Classi”.) Was mostly a tribute to the liar who backstabbed her. The hypocritical speech from Leatherface included: “It doesn’t matter who wins.” S
he’d like them to think that. It seems to matter enough for her to lie and backstab her “Best Friend,” revealing her hypocrisy to her daughter on national TV. In any event, winning a half million dollars, especially in our lingering Bush economy, matters. She also said to Classi that she’d be a friend forever. Doesn’t she realize that Classi will see the recordings of the broadcasts, and see how Leatherface betrayed her and lied to her? That “friendship” won’t make it 24 hours.

The vote was unanimous. No one stood up to She Who Can Not Be Endured to give Classi even one vote.

When Classi hugged Voldebitch on her way out (Why?), I expected She Who Can Not Be Endured to rot away to ash, like Professor Quirrell in the first Harry Potter movie, unable to survive the touch of her polar opposite.

Classi to The Chenbot on Leatherface: “There’s nothing bad you can say about the woman.” Oh yes there is. See above.

The Chenbot did her best to try to get Classi to say that the evil bitches in the house hated her because she is so vastly more beautiful than they are, but Classi would not take the bait. She did, however, say one of those idiot things that we extremely beautiful people sometimes say that really, really pisses off you normal-looking trolls: “I wouldn’t think so ‘cause, I don’t know if y’all realize
[Classi, you were on TV all the time. We all saw what you wore and how you looked.], but I kicked around in sweats the entire time, with no make up and dirty hair.” Yes, you were a repulsive troll the whole time you were in the house. I could barely tell you apart from Adam. Why, in sweats with unwashed hair and no make up, she was merely stunningly gorgeous, rather than her normal, overwhelmingly, magnificently beautiful. How our eyes all bled viewing your monstrous in-house appearance.

A bit over 30 years ago, Ann Margaret starred with Sir Anthony Hopkins in a now-forgotten movie called
Magic, about an insane ventriloquist. In the movie, Ann’s character is emotionally wounded because, get this, she was picked on growing up for being an ugly duckling. The movie expected the audience to feel bad for the poor child having to grow up LOOKING LIKE ANN MARGARET! Oh boo-hoo for poor little eyesore Ann Margaret. Yes, she was only ravishingly beautiful for a month or two at birth. How did people look at homely little Ann Margaret without hurling? I believe one reason the movie is forgotten is that audiences found pitying Ann Margaret’s looks too much of a challenge.

Leatherface showed how utterly fake her crocodile tears were in her pre-taped goodbye message, since even then, when it could no longer affect the game, she still didn’t come clean and confess her sin agains Classi. Okay, Buckskinpuss, we now know exactly how sincere your weepy self-pity was. And so does your daughter.

As we went into the HOH competition, I was - well, not praying, I don’t pray, but hoping that Dom or Adam, or even Lawon, any Newbie, would win. No such luck. Instead, the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened. She Who Can Not Be Endured won her second HOH this season.

I may vomit.

Cheers darlings.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

She Who Must Be Betrayed.

HEY! This is my 200th flogging entry here. I just lost the $5 I bet that I’d never make it to 200 posts.

Just some quick observations on Wednesday’s
Big Brother.

Boobiac thanked Homophobic Asshole for not nominating her. He had to remind her that Jordumb is the HOH, not him. After all, if Bookie were HOH, Boobiac would still be the actual HOH.

But actually Boobiac was furious with Jordumb for not nominating whom she, Boobiac, had told her to. Boobiac believes she’s supposed to run things always. Boobster, you’re not the HOH. No, you’re not. Stop arguing with me; you’re not.

Cassie advised Dominic to go make a deal with The Vets. Dom bought himself a little more respect from me by refusing to accept the idea of kowtowing to Boobiac. Good for you, Dom.

Adam to Dominic: “Never underestimate the heart of a champion.” In what sense? How much blood it pumps in a minute? Neither of you are champions. You haven’t played before. What are you blathering about?

“Let’s not pull a Porsche-and-Keith,” said Adam as he pulled a Porsche-and-Keith on him. He was advising he and Dom to remain solid allies, even as he has already made a promise that he intends to keep to betray Dom.

Jordumb told Adam to throw the veto competition, and he agreed to it.
WHAT? Adam, when on the block, play for the friggin’ veto, idiot.

Boobiac hates Cassi for some reason, and so does Edsel, formerly Porsche.

Danielle apparently is genuinely working as Dominic’s secret ally. I’m amazed, but it’s making me dislike her less. Unfortunately, saving Dominic involves sinking Cassi, almost the only other likeable player besides Dominic.

But Dom and Danielle are being helped unwittingly by Boobiac’s unreasoning hatred of Cassi. The only real reasons I can see for Boobiac’s loathing of Cassi is that Cassi is incredibly beautiful, while Boobiac, to put it very mildly, is not. She’s the Queen in
Snow White; jealous because her stupid mirror keeps showing her that Snowy is hotter than she is, only in Boobiac’s case, she always looks like the witch with implants, not the queen. I mean Adam is hotter than Boobiac, and Adam is repulsive.

Boobiac thinks that The Vets Alliance (which doesn’t even have a cool nickname yet. Priorities, Vets; get a name!) is her private army, that all are united in following her orders. The art of collaboration is unknown to her. She wishes to be She Who Must Be Obeyed. The thing is, even Jordumb isn’t dumb enough to hand her brain (well, whatever she uses for a brain) and will to Boobiac. It’s almost enough to make me wish Evel Dick had stayed, because he wouldn’t have put up with it. Of course, the reason he wouldn’t put up with it is because he wants his alliance to be
his slaves. He’s no collaborator either.

Homophobic Asshole is supporting Jordumb’s efforts to stop being controlled by Boobiac. Homophobic Asshole and Jordumb are no longer that fond of Bookie and Boobiac. The Vets’ cracks are showing.

Jordumb to Cassi: “I’m being honest.” The odd thing is, she
is being honest. What a weird strategy.

The veto players will be Dominic and Adam (who stupidly intends to throw it) Homophobic Asshole & Jordumb, and, unfortunately, Boobiac and Bookie.

Boobiac is outraged to realize that Jordumb is playing for herself, not for Boobiac. “I’m just scared that Jordan is so easily influenced.” By this she means that Jordumb is easily influenced by people who are not Boobiac. “Cassi is a snake and a liar, so she’s gotta go,” said Boobiac. Aside from lying about her job, Cassi has played a totally honest game so far. Oh there’s a lair and snake in the house all right, in fact several, but the one who concerns me here is the one Boobiac looks at in the mirror every morning as she shaves. Cassi, don’t accept any apples from Boobiac.

Boobiac to Danielle: “Tell Dominic he has to work with us.” Yes, she feels non-alliance members must be her slaves also. She now believes she is She Who Must Be Obeyed. The thing is, Dominic is not about to let Boobiac boss him around. He’s not Bookie.

Boobiac’s self-justification for trying to negate her ally’s nominations is: “It’s not that we’re turning on
[Homophobic Asshole & Jordumb], It’s that they’re not making good decisions.” This means, they’re not following her orders. Those who disobey She Who Must Be Obeyed will suffer the wrath of Boobiac and her eunuch, He Who Must Be a Boob.

The challenge hinged on being able to walk and chew gum at the same time. Jordumb is delighted because she is sure she can do that. I’m not. And sure enough, she was the first eliminated. But what a great evil twist: if you’re eliminated, you can buy your way back in by agreeing to eat only slop for two weeks. Heh, heh, heh. Whomever came up with that twist deserves a raise. And if you’re eliminated a second time, you’re out, but you still have to eat slop for two weeks. (Apparently it’s individual. If you opt for slop, it won’t affect your partner.)

Since it’s an individual challenge, Adam throwing it won’t affect Dominic. That’s good.

Bookie: “At the end of the day, Rachel and I are in the game for the two of us.” Also at the beginning of the day. Also at noon. In fact, 24/7.

Boobiac bragged to us that she “did gymnastics,” so she’s sure to win. Uh-huh. I think she means she “did gymnasts,” or “did gymnasties,” i.e., did the nasty in a gym.

Jordumb: “I think if I had more balls in my mouth...” Do I even need to write a joke here? I played this quote back over and over, because each time I heard Jordumb speculate over how she’d look if she could get even more balls in her mouth, she made me bellow with laughter. How many does Homophobic Asshole have? I wasn't sure I’d even bother to flog this episode until I heard her say that. I guess Jordumb aspires to join the Teabaggers, where Homophobic Asshole’s ignorant attitudes towards gay people will be right at home.

Adam told us that he only gets on motorcycles “when I’m riding bitch on the back.” After all his bouts of homosexual panic the last two weeks, suddenly he “rides bitch on the back.” That is SO gay! He’s a butch Franklin Pangborn.

When Jordumb fell, she was willing to be a committed competitor and buy her way back in with two weeks of slop, but Homophobic Asshole had a fit, and
ordered her not to. Why? I actually respected Jordumb’s immediate decision to go for the slop. She is there to play. Why should it matter to Homophobic Asshole? He doesn’t have to eat it. But Jordumb knows her place. She gave him a small argument, but she caved in, and stayed eliminated.

Turns out his reason for not wanting her stuck on slop is that “She has no chance of winning.” Way to have faith in your fiancee.

Boobiac: This just proves more than ever that Brendan and I need to take control back of this house.” And that sentence just proves why no one should let her.

Boobiac started making snide remarks about Jordumb as she continued to play, making Homophobic Asshole steaming mad. The Vets’ cracks widen.

And then Nadia Comaneci, aka Boobiac, fell off her balance beam. Well, even the great Nadia never tried balance beam while chewing gum. Boobster hesitated not one second. She slammed the two weeks of slop commitment into her bowl of balls (I suspect she keeps bowls full of balls wherever she goes. They are -
TROPHIES!) hopped back up on her beam, and went at it again. This is a woman who knows how many balls she can stuff in her mouth from experience, though she usually charges extra for it.

So Boobiac went right back up, and 15 seconds later, Nadia fell off again, now doomed to two weeks of slop to no avail. Sweet.

Being a total control freak, Boobiac now shouted helpful things from the sidelines to Bookie, like: “Don’t fall.” Thanks. He’d never have thought not to fall if she hadn’t yelled that. (No really.) Her idiotic coaching was annoying the hell out of Homophobic Asshole. I guess he and I have something in common after all. Of course, it begs the question of why didn't she follow her own advice, and not fall off.

And yea, thus verily, six episodes in, a Newbie
finally won a competition. Dominic takes a big step up from Lamehood. Sadly, this is not good news for Cassi, but Dom is absolutely safe this week. The worst thing is, this is what Boobiac wanted.

But can Boobiac be happy that her desire to get Cassi on the block now has a shot? Not for long. Homophobic Asshole, angry at knowing Jordumb’s nominations will be nullified, decided to let Boobiac, his supposed ally, know just how pissed off she makes him.

And so Boobiac had her first fit of rage of the summer. She had them regularly last summer. She stormed off into the bushes. Bookie tried to calm her down, but as we saw last year, when Boobiac’s ego is thwarted, her rage is not to be held in check. She has the emotional maturity of a newborn.

In my first column on
Big Brother 13, I wrote “[Boobiac]’s also right that she should nominate from strategy, not emotion this time around, but fortunately, there’s not a chance of her holding to that later in the game, when her ego and anger kicks in." Well here we are at her first kicking in of anger and ego, and strategy flew out the window as she had her tantrum for all the house to see, enjoy, and be reminded that this is the same evil, crazy, control-freak bitch-whore we put up with all last summer. Bookie knew this was disastrous,
and tried to get her mind back in the game, and her emotions out, but fortunately, Homophobic Asshole came trotting over to read her the riot act, inflaming her rage again, so Bookie’s attempts to calm her were for naught.

“I wasn’t not in the lead, Jeff,” Boobiac said, employing a double negative so tortured it was amazing even she could follow what she was saying. For privacy, she stormed off into the bushes and sobbed loudly. This had the effect of keeping everyone’s rapt attention more securely than having her snit out in front of them would have. Well, probably when she’s blowing sailors in the park for nickels, she uses the bushes for privacy too, so why not here?

Boobiac’s sobs are music to me. I should record them on a loop, and play them back to relax myself to sleep. Sob, Boobiac, sob. I adore your misery. It is sweet, sweet wine.

Bookie said he can not have the rest of the house “seeing this craziness.” Bookie, they all saw it on TV last summer.

“I’m a competitor, and I wasn’t not in the lead,” she sobbed out. She can still follow that hideous syntax even when having a major snit? I’m impressed. I was laughing and doing Jell-o shots for every sob, and yet even I couldn’t untangle that sentence.

Queen Kalia, who has been mercifully missing all episode, found Boobiac’s tantrum lame (which it was), and said: “Don’t let your mouth write a check your butt can’t cash.” Good advice, though I have never cashed a check with my butt in my whole long life. The only thing is, Queen Kalia does nothing but write mouthy checks her huge butt cannot cash.

Bookie snapped to a fact that utterly eluded the wacko bitch, that she could get them nominated if she keeps up with this behavior.

Dominic, the first Newbie to win something, had brians enough to celebrate where no one could see ot hear him. He noted how the first Newbie win had reduced Boobster to a screaming infant. Then he celebrated with Adam. Well why not? Adam is the real victor. He kept his promise to the Vets to throw the competition, but gets saved anyway, without breaking his promise to betray Dom. He’s sitting pretty, which isn’t easy for a man so repulsive.

“This is not ‘The Rachel Show’,” said Homophobic Asshole. Oh yes it is. Homophobic Asshole is furious that Boobiac didn’t learn anything from her disastrous play last year. The problem is, Boobiac is incapable of learning.

Example A: Boobiac: “You don’t think Jeff would be dumb enough to put us up, do you?” You see, she still thinks Homophobic Asshole is HOH. Jordumb is HOH, and she’s dumb enough to do anything. Besides, it’s the smart move to put Bookie and Boobiac up. Boobiac would be gone, and though enraged, nonetheless, Bookie would be powerless,
UNABLE TO COMPETE FOR HOH TO TRY FOR REVENGE. Putting them up is the smart move, which is just why Jordumb won’t do it. She’s too dumb to do the smart thing.

Boobiac: “I could be a bitch and be like, I don’t appreciate your girlfriend winning HOH because we let her.” Huh? If you don’t “appreciate” it, why did you let her? That sentence makes no trace of sense, not even for Boobiac. Plus, it’s like
begging to be nominated. I’m begging. Please nominate her!

Boobiac: “No wonder America hates me.” Yes, it is no wonder. However, America doesn’t hate her; only the Americans who have seen her on TV, seen her in person, met her, or smelt her on a bus hate her. People who have never heard of her, and they number in the millions, do not hate her. If “America” hated her, Seal Team Six would have invaded the
Big Brother House last week. Her body would be in the bottom of the sea by now. Those silicone bags she calls her boobs being basically rocks, she’d sink faster than the ratings on Paris Hilton’s new reality show no one is watching. (Did you see Paris storm off Good Morning America when she was asked about how it felt to know her popularity was over?)

Anyway Boobiac, America hates you because you’re horrible.

Boobiac came up and made an insincere apology. Homophobic Asshole said it made him mad because now she was on slop. Why on earth would he care if she’s on slop? I
love that she’s on slop.

Bookie: “‘Cause the last thing we need is to go at it and Lawon win
Big Brother.” The casual, contemptuous homophobia of that throwaway remark was amazing. I guess he was trying to mend fences with Homophobic Asshole.

Homophobic Asshole: “I don’t appreciate people puttin’ me down or my girlfriend.” Tough. I’m going to continue doing it.

Jordumb was on the cusp of nominating Boobiac and Bookie, which would save Cassi, whom Jordumb wants to save. The problem is, Jordumb’s nonexistent math skills.: “It would be the four of us against all of them.” Jordumb you idiot, “All of Them” is 3 people, Bookie, Boobiac, and Edsel. And you would have at least 6 votes, more likely 9 votes. Everyone hates them. But Jordumb was not paying attention the day her class was taught that 3 is less than nine. In fact she paid no attention from the day she entered Kindergarten until the day she dropped out of school for good, which I’m guessing came sometime early in First Grade.

So she was too stupid and scared to follow through with it. She nominated Cassi and Leatherface. Well, hopefully, Leatherface will get voted out rather than Cassi. We’ll see what happens tonight.

Until then, cheers darlings.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Pests and Vermin

Just a quick swish through Sunday's episode of Big Brother.

Gotta give Leatherface (Shelley) credit, she’s got lying, double-dealing, and backstabbing down so well, she belongs in the court of Henry VIII. She managed to destroy
The Regulators utterly in one week, with the help of Queen Kalia. (Maybe if they'd had a less-lame alliance name...)

Porsche: “I’m so glad to see Keith go —
NOT!” Ah Porsche, the hip, witty, “today” expression of ten years ago. What’s next from her: Daddy-o? Cowabunga? 23-Skidoo? And she stuck out her tongue to express her snide disdain for Keith. My six-year-old great-grand nephew was visiting while I watched and he saw that. His reaction was: “That’s a tad immature,” and he can’t read yet.

Thanks to Queen Kalia and Leatherface, while I'm still having to look at these titties...

I am now deprived of gazing thirstily (preferably with the sound turned off) at these much-hotter titties...

...particularly given that both of them are appalling, annoying people. If I must watch annoying people. I'd rather go with a hot man, than Boobiac. Hell, I'd rather go with pond scum than Boobiac.

I hope Adam eats lots and lots and lots of his beloved bacon. The sooner his coronary shuts him up, the better.

Lawon: "I have been completely blindsided.” No, Keith was completely blindsided. It’s not all about you. In fact, almost nothing is about you, not even you. What a master of wit: “That gots
[sic] me ferrious [sic] like a volcano on a hot day in Hawaii getting ready to erupt!” Are volcanos worse on hot days? And what does “ferrious” mean? Is it at all like “furious”? How all tremble at the wrath of Lawon. If he gets really angry he will somehow wear clothing that tortures the eye even more than his usual appalling outfits.

Did I just see Jordumb put a black bra on
over a red dress?

The thing that gets me about
The Regulators is that they decide whom to trust or not based soley on stereotypes. They all see Leatherface as a "Mom,” and so instinctively trust her as she intentionally spreads distrust and false leads. Fortunately, my mother was awful, so I instinctively distrust Moms. Adam acts like a big, obnoxious lummox, (Okay, it's not technically "acting") so they assume he’s lying even as he was telling them the truth. They distrust Dominic for no discernable reason, and even formed the illogical assumption that he would betray the very alliance he created, and thus screw himself over. Think, you bozos. Who, for example, had he most reason to want Keith out? Queen Kalia, so why not use logic, rather than appearances? Last year’s alliance, Da Brigade, is beginning to look like MENSA next to The Regulators.

Lawon: “I stuck my ass out for everybody on our team.” Well, I was certain he was gay anyway; I just had no idea he was that big a slut. I’m glad CBS chose not to air that gruesome spectacle. He added, “It’s all in the crapper.” Well that’s where your ass belongs.

Adam stupidly honestly admitted he had been approached by the vets and had told them he was with them. Cassi, who is usually fairly smart, asked why he would tell them that. Cassi? Hello? Dominic then stalked out, convinced that Adam had been true to his word to the vets. If that were the case, why would he tell you of their approach at all? Adam, conversely, decided that Dominic must be “the rat” because he left. Now, there is no
trace of logic to that. Meanwhile, the two actual rats are in there looking all innocent, and fooling all these fools.

Lawon, the old Batman villain Two-Face called. He wants his coat back.

Who should drop by but Boobiac, who acted all shocked that to learn that there are two factions in the house, even though she’s been just as fractious as the Newbies. “Are there sides?” Her attempts at disingenuousness were absurd. It's like Bellatrix Palin acting shocked when someone thinks she's lining up a run for the White House. (In a bus. She'll never get elected to it.)

Everyone: Her name is Porsche,
one syllable, not Portia, two syllables.

Boobiac and Edsel (My new name for Porsche) just love each other. Well, they’re both “VIP Waitresses,” that is, whores, and I guess whores stick together, like the pages of a wet book, and I can guess why too.

Edsel: “Cassi started this We Hate Portia club
[She mispronounces her own name!] that she’s the sole member of.” Edsel, the preposition with which you ended that sentence is the least of its troubles. The real problem is that the We Hate Porsche Club has at least 6 members within the house. Outside the house, it’s gone national, and is growing faster than the National Debt. I’m a charter member myself, and was just elected to its Board of Governors.

The interesting thing is, Queen Kalia and Leatherface each do not know that the other is a turncoat too. Apparently the vote reversals were made independently of each other, not via collusion. This surprised me.

Leatherface to Adam:”You can tell me the truth.” Yes, but don’t expect her to return the favor. Adam said that Dominic leaving the room “confirmed” that he was the rat. No, you boob; all it “confirmed” was that he was no longer in the room. It’s Leatherface, whom you’re telling this to, who is the traitor (one of them), and it is music to her beef-jerky ears. Again Adam, use your big ugly head. It makes no sense for Dominic to betray the alliance he created. It’s stupid. It’s anti-reasoning.

Dominc to Cassi: “We woulda just ran the tables.” Dom, first off you mean you would have just
run the tables, and secondly, in order to run the tables, a Newbie needs to win a competition once in a while. “But I do trust Shelley.” Great, you don’t trust the man who told you the truth, but you’re totally trusting of the woman who has lied to you, betrayed you, and has effectively destroyed your new alliance in a single week. Why? Well Dom is a self-confessed Momma’s boy, and Leatherface is a Mom. Dom, go read Oedipus Rex and Medea. Learn the ugly truth about Moms.

But Dom again showed he’s smarter than most of them. He correctly sussed out that he needs to flip a vet, and zeroed right in on Danielle as the weakest link. Smart move. Danielle would be an idiot to take you up on it, but then, the good news is that Daniele
is an idiot.

A commercial ran that called the putrid and stupid
Transformers movie : “The number one movie in the world.” This was on Sunday, after Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part Two was already almost at a gross of $1,000,000,000 worldwide after just three days. They also said that critics were “raving” about it. All the reviews I have read or seen did indeed have critics raving. They are raving about how horrible and stupid it is. “It’s the best summer movie in years,” the lying ad screamed. Yes, if those years are 1832, or 1287 BC.

Dominc is a true himbo; he knew that the way to win over Danielle was to flirt with her. Danielle went for it. My, aren't you easy, Danielle?

Okay, I get why Cassi hates Boobiac; she’s met her, but why does Boobiac hate Cassi? Just because she doesn't have to turn tricks to earn a living?

Leatherface is looking forward to when she is HOH. Hey Buckskinpuss, first you have to win an HOH competition. So far I’ve seen you win nothing, nor come in second, nor third, nor fourth, etc.

I understand that it gets really boring in the
Big Brother house. After all, I only see three hours of it a week, and I'm bored. But watching Bookie’s superhero (Bookieman?) “Battling” Dominc in a bathing suit and a beach-towel-cape, like two five year olds, was not my idea of entertainment, though again, Dom understood that the way for him to move ahead is to flirt, this time with Bookie.

And did Bookie forget to wear a jock or a dance belt under his tights? Because I could see Little Bookie and his two hairy companions pretty clearly. After this, even the crappy Spider-Man musical looks good. (Did you see the excerpt from the Spider-Man musical on Letterman the other night? Oh my Godless, it was horrible! Bono has lost his Edge.)

While Dominic was smartly converting Danielle, the other Newbies were falling all over each other in the rush to go join up with the vets. Adam made the same mistake with The Vets that he made with The Newbies, he told them the truth. Now they don’t trust him either. The way you win trust in the
Big Brother house is to tell people what they want to hear, not the truth.

Is Danielle’s snappy fedora made of wood?

Lawon screamed at us in The Diary Room (He’s one of those idiots that thinks the mikes don’t very work well, and he must lean into our faces and scream at us to make any point at all.) that he was
not going to be a Have-Not this week! Less screaming, more winning, dipshit.

This was not just a difficult Have-Nots competition, it was dangerous. Getting shmushed into the same outfit with Adam must have been horrible for poor Dominic. Fat is bad enough. Fat steel wool is worse. Dominic's lovely fair skin must have been scratched to ribbons. Still, I have to love a competition that turns the houseguests into pests and vermin, or rather, reveals them as such.

Queen Kalia, whom I have disliked since the first episode, was “pumped” to win. “I can
not be a Have-Not again.” Oh yes you can. You see dear, to not be a Have-Not, you have to do more than make assertive statements in The Diary Room you don’t back up with action; you also have to win the freakin’ competition. And to do that , you have to dig deep and put out some EFFORT! Instead, she & Lawon not only came in last, but the instant a winner was declared (In a brilliant Sadistic touch, one couple wins, and gets to choose the other Haves.), she ceased to function, and refused to move, instead choosing to have a claustrophobic panic attack while melded with Lawon inside the large, but not large enough, can.

She carried on like she was dying, though she actually was only tired and spoiled. A medic had to come in and cut Lawon out of the costume. Then suddenly, once she was the center of attention again, she was fine. The medic pointed out that there was nothing wrong with her. Well, she wasn’t injured. There’s an enormous amount wrong with her. Basically, she had an attack of Spoiled Drama Queenitis. I hope she’s a Have-Not all summer. She could use the weight-loss. Frankly, a month on
Survivor would do her a world of good.

Queen Kalia on Queen Lawon: “I could definitely feel Lawon’s, like, future grandchildren up in there.”
LAWON’S FUTURE GRANDCHILDEN??? How the hell is this little queen going to get grandchildren? You can not adopt grandchildren. Has she actually not snapped to what a big old queen he is? Really? Richard Simmins will have grandchildren before Lawon does. Frankly, I’d have thought he’d have “tucked” before the competition, out of habit.

Boobiac’s okay with being a bottom. I’ve suspected for a year that she was really a man, and now she admits it!

While the Newbies bitched and moaned, Bookie and Boobiac just got on with it. Within one minute, it was obvious the Vets would be winning once again.

Adam, I get that you’re not gay. Shut up about it. Frankly, except for a few deaf bear lovers, all gay men are glad you’re straight. And yet, you called Dominic a “pretty boy.” Sounds pretty gay, Adam.

Watching Queen Kalia get battered and beaten up all through the competition was the most entertaining part of the episode. She should get physically battered in every episode. When Sir Noel Coward wrote in
Private Lives that “certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs,” he was referring to Queen Kalia, even though her parents had not yet been born. Sir Noel had foresight.

But then Jordumb and Homophobic Asshole chose the Queens to be Haves. Please. After that disgusting drama display, not to mention coming in
LAST, Queen Kalia deserved to be on slop. Ooh, I’m hurt. Wah, wah, wah. Well, back to my “antics”. (She actually referred to her game play as “antics.”)

Danielle actually did campaign to keep Dom. First thing she’s done that impressed me. Well, that and the way she can wear that hat without getting splinters in her head.

Anyway, Adam & Dominic went up on the block. Guys, maybe you should try winning the POV. Just a suggestion. Think you can win a competition, guys?

No, I don’t either. We’ll see tonight, since I was too lazy to write this two days ago. Cheers darlings

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


I saw the new Harry Potter movie yesterday. I loved it.
When Minirva McGonnegal squared off against Snape, I cheered.
When Harry talked to his dead friends in the forest, I cried.
When Snape died, I laughed.
When Harry and Ron stripped off, I came.
When Molly Weasley destroyed Bellatrix Bachmann (Her husband does Muggle-conversion "therapy."), I applauded.
And how could I not love a movie that spends it's second half on sets cluttered with debris and murdered kids? (Unusual in a children's movie.)

So one of the Horcruxes was Rowena Ravenclaw's diaphragm? Ew.

While the Rollercoaster into the vaults of Gringott's Goblin Bank looks like lots of fun, the Wizarding Community really needs to invent ATMs. The muggles have them beat on banking convenience. (I understand that Bank of America does use dragons to gaurd their vaults though. When Little Dougie worked for BofA 32 years ago, his boss was definitely a dragon, and if that branch manager who fired him wasn't an over-tall goblin, then I'm a Republican. Dougie was let go because he was the only teller who wasn't a Death Eater.)

I know, I know. Snape was brave and a secret good guy and blah, blah, blah. I don't care. He was still an asshole. You're supposed to grow out of being a Goth, not continue dressing and (over)acting like that deep into middle age.

RIP Tom Riddle. We hardly knew ye. Dark Lords are seriously misunderstood people.
Little Dougie is a Dim Lord. He's studied The Dim Arts.

However, someone should have put "Spoiler Alert" on the cover of the novel Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I read it, and it RUINED all the surprises in the last movie! Whoever heard of a movie actually followng the book it's based on? It's un-American!

When my friend Allen Neuwirth saw this Harry Potter movie (at a screening attended by the cast! Yes, I hate him too.), he was disapponted that what he felt was the greatest mystery was not addressed, namely, what happened to Voldemort's nose. (Well that and, what was so special about Walt. No wait; that's a
Lost unanswered mystery.) At first, I thought Voldemort simply had a jokey wizard Uncle who said: "Got your nose!" but then who died before he could restore it (I'm told that Baby Voldemort's first words were "Avada Kadavra"), or that his nose looked like Voldemort's hated muggle father's nose, so he removed it, literally cutting off his nose to spite his own face.

But then I realized what really happened. It's obvious. Look at his fingernails. That is what happens when you pick your nose without trimming your talons first.

I have a hard time choosing which McGonagall I love more.

Talk about

From Harry Potter and the Deathly Teabaggers. Harry looks about for Whorecruxes.

Anyway, I can't wait for the next one!


Oh well, Cheers darlings. And to all you Teabaggers in Congress holding the American economy hostage just so you can keep all your tax breaks for billionaires while you cut essential services for American citizens, and especially you, Mitch McConnell, you lying, Death-Eating, piece of shit:


Saturday, July 16, 2011

The Bookie & Boobiac Show.

Random thoughts on Thursday’s Big Brother.

Keith the Idiot: “Porsche
[mis-pronounced as “Portia”], you’re on your way outta the door. Everything is going as planned.” Everything is going as planned, only it’s Boobiac’s plan, not yours, Dumbo.

Porsche: “I feel confidant that the vets are going to keep me around, and give me a golden key. They want me in the game because they see Keith as a strong competitor.” Right and wrong. Oh, they’ll be keeping you, all right, but it’s Shelley and Kalia’s betrayal of The Regulators that keeps you, not the down-in-numbers vets. (Porsche shows an inability to count way the hell up to seven. “Do numbers go that high?” This is a woman who, in trying to count to ten on her fingers, would still lose count.) And no one sees Keith as a strong competitor; they see him as a loudmouthed, semi-sane, obnoxious, loose-cannon, douchebag. You’re staying because no one can stand being around Keith. When you’re in a house with Boobiac, and you’re more hated than she is, you have serious personality problems.

I want to root for the Newbies, as the Vets are all people I can not stand, but yikes, are they playing badly. I do not know what possessed Queen Kalia and Leather-faced Shelley The Huntress to vote for Keith. It was a bonehead play. They
really needed to stick together with the Newbies, and knock out the Vets, but no. Mind you, I’m glad to see Keith gone. He was decorative, but not decorative enough to overcome his horrible personality. But for the Newbies, it was a bad, bad move. The Regulators failed at their very first mission. Lame.

I think Golden Key possessors
should still play in competitions since:

A. Then they are still playing and involved in affecting events beyond their mere votes, and

B. Why the hell else are they there?

Adam is playing well. If he lost his voice, and became totally mute, I’d like him. But he has one schtick: his hollering. What is he, three years old? Shut up, Adam. Hey Eve, stick an apple in his mouth.

Boobiac went on a charm offensive, with the emphasis on “offensive.” Boobiac trying to be charming and pleasant is hilarious. Everyone there saw her on last summer’s show, and knows what an evil, crazy, insufferable bitch she is. She’s fooling no one. The Homophobic Asshole said he might have to “whore myself out" to get votes. Hey Jeff, I’d be glad to rent your services for an hour, but you are not allowed to speak. And Little Dougie will be watching us. Meanwhile, suck Dumbledore’s wand.

The “Big Booty” game was annoying. It’s an Anti-Charm Offensive.

Jordumb said that to get votes she’d play “any game they want to play.” Okay Jordumb, let’s play some
Scrabble. I will wipe up the table with you.

“Vegas Rachel” is pretty much why I never go to Las Vegas, America’s most-tacky city.

Dominic may be the smartest player in the house, and he just
is smart; he doesn’t go around announcing to us that he’s smart. In other words, he’s not like Mr. Mensa last season. He’s just smarter than they are. It’s not his fault Shelley and Kalia are not as smart, and betrayed him.

Brendan to Boobiac: “I can’t focus with you yelling at me.” Oh dear. He’s going to need
thick glasses by the time they’ve been married a year, because that loudmouthed broad will be yelling at him every day. (Their relationship is the perfect punishment for both of them.)

Brendan’s ridiculous hurt feelings about Boobiac tossing her nauseating nickname for him, “Bookie,” around the housemates was over-the-top pathetic. Brendan may have far more severe psychological problems than even Boobiac. This isn’t “Love” ; this is mutual, co-dependant, sickness. As long as they are together, neither one will ever get any better.

“It’s something that’s very private for me,” said Bookie, in the privacy of a top-rated CBS TV show. I expected him to add: “Like the way I still wet the bed. It’s not something I want all of America to know about, America. So please, America, no further.” Yes, don’t tell France.

Bookie: “Rachel is not the Vegas party girl anymore; she is practically my wife.” If that idiot thinks Boobiac will ever cease to be a “Vegas Party Girl" (A euphemism for “whore”), he’s in for a hard ten years. All that will change is he’ll earn the money, and she’ll stop charging her tricks.

Of course, Boobiac wants to keep Porsche around; they’re both VIP Cocktail Waitresses. They should call the show
Big Brothel.

Bookie and Boobiac’s fight over “Bookie” was pathetic. What jerks they are. What a horrible marriage they will have. If they have kids, those poor kids. Bookie thinks Boobiac hollering “Bookie” across the yard “Makes me look stupid.” Bookie darling, you do that all on your own.

“I love you with all my heart,” said Bookie as he intentionally psychologically tortured Boobiac for the sin of saying “Bookie” around other people. What a tool. I’d like him to meet The Knights Who Say Bookie.

Three-headed knight: “We are the Knights who say Bookie!

Bookie: “No! Stop! How can I feel special if you do that?”

Three-headed Knight: “We shall say Bookie to you again, unless you bring us —
A Shrubbery!” Bookie ends up bringing The Knights Who Say Bookie Boobiac’s bush for their shrubbery.

And then Bookie sleeps in the HOH bed while Boobiac is banished to the couch. Excuse me?
She is the HOH, not him. If someone is going to sleep on the couch, it should be Bookie.

Let’s face it, these days, Boobiac has three boobs, one of them named Bookie.

The next day, Bookie is
still torturing Boobiac. She apologized for making him feel “demasculentized.” Well, she said last year that she’s a “chemist.” (Chemist-VIP Waitress-Whore. She’s a triple-threat!) Apparently she never took English along with Chemistry and Whoristry.

Boobiac to Bookie: “You have a hot beautiful fiancee who is in love with you.” He’s engaged to
Two women? Who is the other one, the hot, beautiful one who is in love with him? All we’ve seen is this slutty, hair-dyed, thing with the fake boobs who only truly loves herself. Boobiac’s self-estimation is - well - inaccurate.

Bookie: “I’m trying to get in the medical profession.” Man, there’s a scary thought. Dr. Bookie will see you now. The usual route to a medical career is medical school, not the
Big Brother house. Will being known as "Bookie" do more harm to Dr. Bookie in the medical profession than having been this boob on Big Brother?

Bookie: “I am not going anywhere.” Now that’s true. Bookie is a go-nowhere guy if ever there was one.

Ooh, we got to watch Bookie and Boobiac make out. This helped with my diet, as I then threw up my dinner and some of my lunch. Turns out
DOCTOR Bookie understands that “Demasculentize” is not a real word. In the Diary Room, he corrected it to the proper: “Demasculinate.” Bookie and Boobiac can join my Scrabble game with Jordumb, as clearly I can beat all three of them. If I can lay down “demasculinization” on a triple-word square, I can score 276 points, and none of them will challenge it. Let’s face it, the only words Jordumb can spell are “a” and “I”. Jordumb: “Hey, I got all these other letters. How can I spell ‘a’ with the letters Q U I Z O L P? This is hard!”

Apparently the reason Shelley The Great White Huntress betrayed her alliance is that it was “awesome” to play with players she’d already seen on the show. Being
Big Brother Star Struck is stupid strategy. Adam worships the Vets too, but he has sense enough not to join with them. Shelley, when Adam is a smarter player than you are, you are in trouble. Shelley go shoot a bunny. You are not worthy to bear the name of the divine poet Shelley.

Homophobic Asshole is always such a stupid player. His plan to lure Adam into the Vets’ Newbie-Mind-Slaves Alliance was to let him name the alliance. Oh gee, thanks Daddy. I was reminded of the time my Mother tried to get me to stop being angry and sad about moving to a new town and losing all my friends by letting me name the new puppy. (I went with “Yossarian”.) It worked with me, but I was 10 years old at the time. Adam only acts like a 10 year old. (Haven’t all 10 year olds read Catch-22? Just tell them it’s Harry Yossarian and the Deathly Paradoxes.)

So what did Adam, who at least was playing them, come up with? “Adam’s Angels.” Why? Because “Keith’s Angels” had worked out so awesomely? So Bookie and Homophobic Asshole are “angels”? Somewhere, Aaron Spelling and John Forsythe are rolling over in their graves.

Boobiac’s reaction to “Adam’s Angels” was: “We’ll work on it.” What work? Will she be adding an extension to it, or upgrading it? You’d think they’d realize Adam didn’t take them seriously by the mere fact that he made the alliance name sounded like he was in charge. “Boobiac’s Newbie-Mind-Slaves” would work.

Cassi is both beautiful and smart. She was rallying votes for Keith. Yes he’s obnoxious, but he’s not one of Boobiac’s Newbie-Mind-Slaves, and Porsche is. Queen Kalia told them, and in the Diary Room told us, that she didn’t want to rock the boat, and would vote out Porsche, even though she can’t stand Keith. She said this about ten minutes before voting out Keith. I understand lying to the other players, but why to lie to the viewers?

Shelley: “I don’t know who has the votes... but I’m playing both sides.” At her age, she should be able to work out that 8 is more than 5, but her math skills are on a par with Porsche’s. Well, she’s a recreational hunter. She kills for fun, so she’s decided to kill the Newbie’s (including her own) chances of winning the game. Man, she is leathery. Has she ever been indoors before? You could make shoes from her skin. Robert Redford, as he is today, has better skin.

Evel Dick’s message told us nothing. Danielle can’t say: “I love you,” to her dad in front of the others, but she can say it in the Diary Room on live national TV? Danielle, I do not get you at all, though frankly, given whom your dad is, it’s hard to say how anyone could say they loved him, nor why. I still haven’t figured out how you got sired in the first place. Was your mom blind, or just had depraved taste?

Danielle, please stop whining. No, I didn’t mean get all weepy instead. Man up, woman. If you haven’t spoken to Evel Dick in years, how much can you miss him?

Okay, I did enjoy watching Keith humping Dominic again in the clip from the milk challenge. Dominic must have enjoyed it also, as he was yelling "
Yeah!” as he watched. That was hot. Little Dougie says that if Keith did that to him, he’d squeeze out a milky substance also. (Was the milk challenge in honor of Boobiac’s and/or Queen Kalia’s giant udders?)

Adam, no one cares about your idiot love of “Metal”. Which metal? I like gold myself, in finger-sized bands. I have so many wedding rings now, I wear them on every finger. I call them my "Gold Knuckles." I did lose one a few years ago, when Gollum bit it off, and fell into an active volcano. He did not take that break-up well.

Oh look, Queen Lawon is still on the show. Has he said a word all week? My guess is, he’s been his usual chatterbox flamboyant would-be wit, but never said anything worth putting on TV.

Queen Kalie’s turncoat vote genuinely shocked me. Yes, Keith’s an asshole anyone in their right mind would want out, but it’s just not the smart play right now, and plus, you’ve betrayed your alliance on your first vote.

Shelley: “Shh. Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m hunting Wabbits, and Keiths.” Bad move, Huntress.

I must give credit to Keith; he did not try to hit on The Chenbot. At least, on camera. Perhaps he was too stunned to learn his confidence was misplaced, that his worst enemy was his mouth, and that deliberately throwing the POV competition is a damned stupid thing to do. I knew he was not too bright when I first learned he was a church deacon. First Church of Hugh Hefner.

The poor sap actually got schooled on his wretched gameplay by The Chenbot. How humiliating is that? His idiotic blathering about his game mistakes centered on his not wanting “to fall for Porsche, because she’s hot.” Keith, get your mind out of your crotch and into the game. Oh, too late for that. Porsche’s T-shirt on the goodbye video said it all: “You can look, but you can’t touch.” The real problem for horndogs like this fool is they think they’re cool and subtle and seductive and smart, when in fact, beautiful women like Porsche and Cassi have seen guys with ten times his charm, charisma and seductive power, and a billion times his brain, and survived them. Keith was transparent to them. Cassi, whom I like more and more, nailed it when she said: “You came in here to play The Dating Game.”

What more thrilling competition could there be than the carnage-soaked bloodsport Miniature Golf? It was like Spartacus: Blood on the Putting Green. I slipped into a light coma. I was heartbroken when Jordumb won. I thought Dominic as HOH was exactly what the game needed.

Oh for Christ’s sake, would one of you friggin’ Newbies please win a friggin’ competition already please! You had this great numbers advantage of 8 to 5, and you blew it. Huntress and Queen Kalia, bad play, bad.

What the Hell was Lawon wearing to putt? Halves of two different blazers sewn together? Who is his couturier? Victor Frankenstein? He was wearing a jacket made of two dead coats sewn together and brought to life with lightening bolts.
Frankencoat! I half-expected a torch-bearing mob to invade Studio City, to burn his golfing coat.

Bookie and Homophobic Asshole deliberately throwing the game was lame. What an epidemic of challenge throwing we had this week. They don’t have winners anymore; they have the person who lost least. At this rate, some week these idiots will throw a Have-Not Challenge out of habit and really screw themselves.

Jordumb as HOH. Oh joy. That just means that Homophobic Asshole is the real HOH. Jordumb can’t even spell “HOH.”

They must have run short, because The Chenbot was reading viewer questions to the Houseguests for no reason other than to fill a few empty minutes. I expected the viewer question for Huntress to be: Is your skin naugahyde, buckskin, or rawhide? She is not Rich Corinthian Leather. (Ever seen Poverty-Stricken Corinthian leather?)

Shut up, Adam.

As first weeks on Big Brother go, this one was really pathetic.

Cheers darlings.